-
Fozzie Bear: Wow, that was an expensive looking explosion! I can't believe we had that in the budget.
-
[from trailer]
Gary: Whoa whoa whoa, wait wait wait, stop!
[looks directly into the camera]
Gary: Are there Muppets in this movie?
-
Fozzie Bear: Check it out, Fart-Shoes!
[Steps on the whoopie cushions to make fart sounds]
-
[from trailer]
[the Muppets are sitting in jail]
Warden: Are you, uh, the Muppets?
Prisoner: [in the jail cell next to them] Hey! I'm a Muppet.
-
[from trailer]
Statler: Is this movie in 3-D?
Waldorf: Nope! The Muppets are as one-dimensional as they've always been!
-
Veronica: I'm gonna shoot straight: you guys aren't famous anymore.
Fozzie Bear: Yeesh. I wish she'd shot a little more curvy.
-
Rico Rodriguez: Are you one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Kermit the Frog: Yes I am!
-
Statler: I always dreamed we'd be back here.
Waldorf: Dreams? Those were nightmares!
-
Kermit the Frog: Do what I do: Imagine the audience naked.
-
[repeated line]
Tex Richman: Maniacal laugh... maniacal laugh...
-
Animal: No drums! No drums! Jack Black said no drums!
-
Tex Richman: A hard, cynical act for a hard, cynical world.
-
Lew: We all agreed that a celebrity isn't a people.
-
Neil Patrick Harris: [during the telethon] How come I'm not hosting this?
-
Kermit the Frog: What? You kidnapped Jack Black? That's illegal!
Fozzie Bear: What's more illegal, Kermit: briefly inconveniencing Jack Black, or destroying the Muppets?
Kermit the Frog: Kidnapping Jack Black, Fozzie!
-
Fozzie Moopet: Yo, what the waka, man?
-
TV Executive: No.
TV Executive: No.
TV Executive: Lo siento, pero no.
Kermit the Frog: [excited] Oh, you hear that, guys?
[the Muppets cheer]
TV Executive: That means no.
Kermit the Frog: Oh.
-
Jack Black: Animal, what are you doing here?
Animal: ...Acting... Naturaaaal.
-
[singing]
Gary: Am I a man, or am I a Muppet? If I'm a man, that makes me a Muppet of a man.
-
Miss Poogy: Told ya I'd be back. Well now I am... BACK!
-
Kermit the Frog: Jack Black's got nothing.
-
Animal: In control.
-
Rowlf: How come you didn't use me in the montage? I thought my story was pretty interesting.
[cut to Rowlf snoring in a hammock on his porch surrounded by other Muppets]
Kermit the Frog: Rowlf?
Rowlf: Huh?
Kermit the Frog: You wanna get back together?
Rowlf: Okay.
[cut back to the car]
Rowlf: Heh heh. Classic.
-
Gary: It sounds like you guys aren't getting back together any time soon.
Kermit the Frog: [sadly] No.
Mary: This is going to be a *really* short movie.
-
[Waldorf finishes explaining the contract]
Statler: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of important plot point.
Waldorf: I hope so. Otherwise I would've bored half the audience half to death.
Statler: You mean half the audience is still alive?
-
Fozzie Bear: I went to this bad sea food place the other day. Yeah, it was so bad, the catch of the day was salmon-ella!
[No one laughs]
Jack Black: [in pain] That joke is so 50 years old.
[the audience laughs]
-
Miss Piggy's Receptionist: She has an opening in early September.
Walter: Early September? But that's in six months!
Fozzie Bear: That's nothing. I once waited a whole year for September.
-
Miss Piggy: Kermit, we found a celebrity! Jack Black has graciously agreed to host the show for us.
Kermit the Frog: That's great! Where is he?
Miss Piggy: In the trunk.
Jack Black: [Inside car trunk] Get me out of here!
-
Jack Black: Where am I? Why am I so fancy? This is not good for my image!
-
Jack Black: I'm being held captive by these weirdos!
Statler: Now you know how we've felt for the last forty years.
-
Walter: Kermit, you're my hero. You're on my watch.
-
Bobo: Are we working for the bad guy?
-
Scooter: [to the audience while imagining them naked] You are all naked!
-
[Fozzie and The Moopets are singing to the tune of "Rainbow Connection"]
Fozzie Bear: Why are there such great deals on our hotel rooms? Free parking for cars, not RVs.
The Moopets, Miss Poogy: Not RVs.
Fozzie Bear: Our wedding chapel is twenty-four hours. No marriage certificate is needed.
Fozzie Bear: No marriage certificate is needed.
The Moopets, Miss Poogy: No marriage certificate is needed.
The Moopets, Miss Poogy: We're glad you found it, Pechoolo Casino. The owners.
The Moopets, Miss Poogy: The Moopets.
Fozzie Bear, The Moopets, Miss Poogy: And me.
Fozzie Bear: Cha-cha-cha! Thank you. We'll be back in six minutes.
-
Kermit the Frog: [singing] Was there more I could have said?/Now they're only pictures in my head/That's why my green is feeling gray/Even frogs have rainy days
-
Fozzie Bear: [as a portrait] I didn't do it, I've been framed! Ah! Wocka wocka!
-
Sam Eagle: Hello.
Rowlf: Hello.
Link Hogthrob: Hello.
Beaker: Mee-Meep.
[sees an ax in his own hands, freaks out a bit while getting rid of it to grab a hairdryer]
Beaker: Mee-Meep.
Rowlf, Sam Eagle, Link Hogthrob, Beaker: Hello.
-
Jack Black: [after Rowlf, Sam, Link & Beaker remove towels from his head that is the size of a tennis ball] Wow, it was hot in there. What's going on? Why is my body so big? and what happened to my voice? It sound like a chipmunk! Wait a second, did you guys shrink my head?
-
Kermit the Frog: Listen everybody, we've got nothing to be ashamed of. And you know why? Well because, thanks to Walter here we tried. And if we failed, we failed together and to me that's not failing at all. And I don't care what anybody says, I don't care if no one believes in us because... I believe. I believe in you. And you. And you. You know what's important isn't this building or name, it's each other. So I say fine, let's just start from the bottom and work our way back up to the top. Let's all walk out through these doors with our heads held up high, as a family because that's what we are.
-
Gary: Mary, will you marry me?
Mary: [She looks stunned, then looks at the camera and puts her hands out to each side] Mahna-mahna!
-
Uncle Deadly: How charming, a finale.
-
Swedish Chef: No masken?
Miss Piggy: No Masken.
-
Miss Piggy's Receptionist: Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy: [as she's eating a doughnut] What? Can't you see that I'm busy?
-
[Tex and Uncle Deadly are atop the Muppet Theater with a pair of boltcutters about to shut off the power]
Tex Richman: To the end of the Muppets!
[Uncle Deadly grabs the boltcutters to stop Tex]
Tex Richman: Deadly! What are you doing?
Uncle Deadly: Enough! Just because I have a terrifying name and an evil English accent, does not preclude the fact that, in my heart, I am a Muppet, not a Moopet! Looks like it's I who will have the last laugh!
Tex Richman: What does that mean?
Uncle Deadly: It's an idiom, you idiot, because you cannot laugh! Ha ha!
[Tex falls off the roof and lands on the ground with a thud]
Uncle Deadly: Oopsie.
[he laughs]
Tex Richman: Deadly.
Uncle Deadly: Now *that's* a maniacal laugh for you!
-
Gary: You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that's what growing up is. It's becoming who you want to be. You have to try.
-
Bobo: [singing] Together again.
[Deadly joins in]
Bobo, Uncle Deadly: Gee, it's good to be...
Tex Richman: [cuts them off] NO SINGING IN MY OFFICE!
-
Marvin Suggs: [singing] The movie's almost over, it's time to say "So long".
Tex Richman: Will you please stop singing? You've already sung this song.
-
Fozzie Bear: [under his breath to remind Kermit] Evil oil baron.
-
Miss Piggy: I can't believe I fell for Muppet Man!
-
Walter: ...and then, when he thought they were alone, he said, "There's oil under this theater, see! I'm gonna tear it to the ground, see! Sweet, sweet oil, see!"
Mary: People still talk like that?
Walter: Maybe that's just how he sounded in my head.
-
Walter: Either way, we've got to find Kermit! He'll know what to do.
Mary: How do we find Kermit? Nobody's seen him in years.
[Gary, Mary, and Walter pass a man selling Hot Star Maps in front of Pink's Hot Dogs]
Walter: [gasp] Wait, stop the car! I have an idea.
[cut to the trio eating some chili dogs]
Gary: These are delicious! Great idea, Walter.
-
Miss Poogy: Sorry, Miss Piggy. But you've been replaced... Permanently!
Miss Piggy: Oh, yeah?
Miss Poogy: Yeah!
Miss Piggy: I don't think so... sister!
Miss Poogy: Who are you calling 'sister', sister?
Miss Piggy: Oh, look! An omelette station.
Miss Poogy: Where?
Miss Piggy: HIYA! There's only room for one Miss Piggy. And that's moi.
Miss Poogy: Yeah? Well, you ain't seen the last of me. I'll be back.
Miss Piggy: Yesh, yeah, ever heard of mouthwash?
-
Walter: But Kermit, you have to try! The Muppets are AMAZING! You give people the greatest gift that can ever be given!
Kermit the Frog: Children?
Walter: No, the OTHER gift.
Kermit the Frog: Ice cream?
Walter: No, no, after that...
Kermit the Frog: Laughter?
Walter: YES! The THIRD greatest gift ever!
-
Hobo Joe: Why does everybody forget about Hobo Joe?
-
Tex Richman: The show's over!
Fozzie Bear: But we were so close!
[bangs his head against the score board, which suddenly goes from reading, "$9,999,999" to "$99,999.99"]
Fozzie Bear: Or... not. Eh, kinda makes me feel better, actually. We were nowhere close at all!
-
Rowlf: [singing] An Albino.
Sam Eagle: [singing] A Mosquito.
Beaker: [singing] Mee-mee-mee-mo.
-
Sam Eagle: This week on "Everything Stinks"...
[gets pulled away by a cane]
-
Sweetums: [picks up his phone] Hello?... You want to gives us money?
[turns to Sam]
Sam Eagle: Say "yes"!
Sweetums: [returns to the phone] Yes, We wiil take that money.
-
[as Gary and Walter prepare to leave for Los Angeles]
Walter: Maybe Kermit will be there!
Gary: I wouldn't get your hopes up, buddy. The Muppets haven't put on a show together in years. I don't think they use the studios for anything but tours anymore.
Walter: I think that's just an Internet rumor, like, "There's a country called Turkey!"
Gary: Walter, how many times do we have to go through this? Turkey is a real place!
-
Mary: [singing] Everything's great. Everything's grand. Except Gary's always off with his friend. It's never me and him. It's always me and him, and him. I wonder when it's going to end. But, I guess that's okay, 'cause maybe someday... I know just how it's going to be. He'll ride up on a steed, get down on one knee, and say, "Mary, will you marry me... please?"
-
Miss Poogy: Fozzie! What the heck are you doing, hibernating? Next show starts in thirty seconds. We hired you and we can fire you, so get your butt in here, now!
Fozzie Bear: [to Kermit about them] They terrify me. Let's go.
-
Jack Black: [after punching Gary] That's my trigger word, too.
Moderator: Jack, we talked about this on Tuesday.
Jack Black: Tuesday's another one of my TRIGGER WORDS!
[punches a classmate]
Moderator: I DON'T THINK SO!
[punches Jack Black]
Moderator: Sorry.
-
Jack Black: Go, Animal! Be free! But, remember, no drumming!
-
Bobo: I love geriatric humor...
-
Kermit the Frog: Piggy, why do you always have to be so over dramatic about things, you know, it leaves me no choice but to do things that'll hurt you.
-
Tex Richman: We'll be sending those Muppets running home with their tails between their legs. Some of them literally, because those ones have tails.
-
[first lines]
Walter: [narrating] That's me, Walter.
Walter: [having a water gun duel with Gary] Where'd - Where'd you go? Oh, there you are.
Walter: I have the best life in the whole world.
[Walter laughs as he squirts Gary]
Walter: That's my brother, Gary. He's the best friend you could ever have.
Walter: [Gary and Walter have their measurements marked in the doorway with a pencil] Yeah, I know what you're thinking: We could be twins.
Walter: Here's where we live: Smalltown... the best town you could ever grow up in.
Walter: Gary and I did everything together.
Walter: [narrating] And as the years passed, my brother was always there for me.
Walter: [playing baseball] I got it! Gary, throw me! Throw me! Aah!
[Gary tosses Walter into the air, and Walter makes the outfield catch]
Walter: We were a great team.
Gary Age 6: Nice job, Walter.
Walter: Thanks, Gary.
-
Walter: Even the sunniest days can have a few clouds in them.
[Walter looks at his reflection in a fun house mirror, making him look taller]
Gary Age 9: [consoling Walter] The ride's bogus anyway. Hey, want to rent a video?
Walter: Yeah, race you home!
-
Walter: Even the sunniest days can have a few clouds in them.
[Walter looks at his reflection in a fun house mirror, making him look taller]
Gary Age 9: [consoling Walter] The ride's bogus anyway. Hey, want to rent a video?
Walter: Yeah, race you home!
Kermit the Frog: And... well. that night... sorta changed everything.
Kermit the Frog: [from archive footage] It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!
Walter: I found them -
[Walter gasps]
Walter: - The Muppets.
-
Kermit the Frog: [from archive footage] It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!
Walter: I found them -
[Walter gasps]
Walter: - The Muppets.
Walter: [the Muppet Show's theme plays in the background] I guess you could say I was their number one fan.
Walter: [Walter opens his birthday present] Oh, Gary, it's an entire map of the Muppet Studios.
Walter: [Walter shakes the present before opening it, and then he gasps to discover a watch with Kermit the Frog's face on it] And they made all the difference.
Walter: [a kid says 'Trick or Treat!'] Because from then on...
Gary Age 13: Hey, guys.
Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid: Oh, hey, Gary. Hey.
Walter: [Walter is wearing a Kermit costume] Hi-ho, guys. Yay!
Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid: [the trick-or-treaters laugh at Walter] Is that Kermit the Frog? What is this, 1978?
Walter: Even on the worst days, I knew... that as the years passed...
Kermit the Frog: [archived footage] Cancel that last remark...
Walter: As long as there are singing frogs and joking bears...
[Walter and Gary laugh as they watch reruns of The Muppet Show on VHS cassette]
Walter: Swedish chefs and boomerang fish, the world can be such a bad place after all.
-
Statler: [the door opens] There, now this here is Kermit the Frog's old office.
Waldorf: Or so we've been 'toad'.
[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]
-
Statler: [the door opens, Statler, Waldorf, Uncle Deadly, Bobo the Bear, and Tex Richman enter the room] There, now this here is Kermit the Frog's old office.
Waldorf: Or so we've been 'toad'.
[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]
Tex Richman: Well, as you know, gentlemen, I've loved the Muppets since I was a boy.
Uncle Deadly, Bobo: Mm-hmm.
Tex Richman: And what better way to honor the Muppets than to make this beautiful studio a Muppet museum.
[Walter gasps while hiding underneath a table]
Tex Richman: I think I'll call this room the "Kermit the Frog's Old Office Room".
Uncle Deadly: Oh, good one, Mr. Richman.
Bobo: Oh, that is lovely.
Waldorf: Now, ahem, this here is the standard "Rich and Famous" contract Kermit signed 30 years ago that contains...
Tex Richman: The deed to this property.
Waldorf: Exactly.
Waldorf: Now, this contract is 100 percent iron-clad, with one minor exception: if the Muppets can raise the $10 million it would cost to buy the building before this contract expires, then they get their studio back.
Statler: You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of an important plot point.
Waldorf: Well, I hope so; otherwise I just bored the audience half to death.
Statler: You mean half the audience is still alive?
[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]
Waldorf: It's nice doing business with you.
Statler: Yes, sir. Come on.
Waldorf: Good-bye.
Bobo: [to Uncle Deadly] I love geriatric humor.
-
Mahna Mahna: [sings] Mahna Mahna
Tex Richman: You're breaking the law! I own that name!
Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo, do-do do do do do doo.
Gonzo: [with a bowling ball] Hey guys, I think I finally worked out how to - Whoo-ha!
[Gonzo throws the bowling ball and hits Tex Richman]
Fozzie Bear: 'Oil' bet that hurt.
[Tex Richman starts laughing]
The Newsman: This just in: Richman gives back Muppet theater and name. Change of heart, nothing to do with head injury.
Tex Richman: [sings] Mahna Mahna
Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo
-
Jack Black: [sings reluctantly while still tied up] Mahna mahna.
Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Do-doo, do-doo doo
Selena Gomez: [sings] Mahna mahna
Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Do-doo, doo-doo...
Miss Poogy: Hey Richman! We had a deal!
Janooce: Yeah, for reallies!
Fozzie Moopet: Yeah, you owe us money, man. What the wocka!
-
Mary: So, what do we do now?
Gary: I don't see a doorbell, and the house looks empty.
Walter: Gary, throw me over.
Gary: What?
Walter: Gary, just throw me over already!
Gary: Okay. Okay, here we go, OK...
Walter: One, two, three.
Walter: [Walter grunts as Gary gets ready to throw him over the fence] That's good.
Gary: Sorry.
Walter: No, it's good.
Mary: Guys? I think that's an electric fence.
Walter: Mary, it's Kermit the Frog.
Gary: OK buddy, head down.
Gary, Walter: One, two, three!
[Gary tosses Walter into the electric fence, and Walter screams in pain as he falls to the ground]
Mary: It's an electric fence.
Gary: Yep.
Gary: Oh, my gosh. Walter? Walter, buddy? Walter, can you hear me?
Walter: [in a raspy voice] Throw me again.
Gary: No, I don't... I don't think that's a good idea.
Walter: What kind of throw was that?
Kermit the Frog: Excuse me...
[Angelic choir voices are heard as Walter sees Kermit with a glow of light behind him; the lights and voices are actually coming from a bus that says "Good Shepherd Church Choir: 'O sing, ye righteous!' " on the side]
Kermit the Frog: You okay? That was quite a tumble.
[Walter faints]
-
Lew: Animal, what are you doing here?
Animal: ...Acting... Naturaaaal.
-
[singing]
Gary: Am I a man, or am I a Muppet? If I'm a Muppet, then I'm a very manly Muppet.
-
[singing]
Walter: Am I a Muppet, or am I a man? If I'm a Muppet, then I'm a very manly Muppet.
-
Kermit the Frog: Gary, Mary. How did you guys get here?
Mary: We traveled by map.
-
[Wayne and Wanda are caught making out]
Jade Green Frackle: Ahem.
[the couple stop kissing and turn to look at the small group of Muppets staring at them]
Wayne: Oh!
[They start doing vocal warmups to cover up their act]
Wayne: La la la la la la la...
Wanda: Mee mee mee mee mee...
The Muppets Quotes
Extended Reading
