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Mark Watney: Hi, I'm Mark Watney and I'm still alive... obviously.
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Mark Watney: In the face of overwhelming odds, I'm left with only one option. I'm gonna have to science the shit out of this.
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Mark Watney: [From deleted scene] Every human being has a basic instinct: to help each other out. If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people will coordinate a search. If a train crashes, people will line up to give blood. If an earthquake levels a city, people all over the world will send emergency supplies. This is so fundamentally human that it's found in every culture without exception. Yes, there are assholes who just don't care, but they're massively outnumbered by the people who do. ~ Mark Watney, The Martian
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Teddy Sanders: If we are going to have a secret project called "Elrond", then I want my code name to be "Glorfindel".
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Mark Watney: Fuck you Mars.
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Mark Watney: I don't want to come off as arrogant here, but I'm the greatest botanist on this planet.
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Mark Watney: They say once you grow crops somewhere, you have officially colonized it. So, technically, I colonized Mars. In your face, Neil Armstrong!
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Mark Watney: [recording a video message] If the oxygenator breaks down, I'll suffocate. If the water reclaimer breaks down, I'll die of thirst. If the hab breaches, I'll just kind of implode. If none of those things happen, I'll eventually run out of food and starve to death. So, yeah... Yeah...
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Mark Watney: I've got to make a lot more water. The good thing is, I know the recipe: You take hydrogen, you add oxygen, and you burn. Now, I have hundreds of liters of unused hydrazine at the MDV. If I run the hydrazine over an iridium catalyst, it'll separate into N2 and H2. And then if I just direct the hydrogen into a small area and burn it. Luckily, in the history of humanity, nothing bad has ever happened from lighting hydrogen on fire.
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Mark Watney: Tell Commander Lewis, disco sucks.
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Mark Watney: I admit it's fatally dangerous, but I'd get to fly around like Iron Man.
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Mark Watney: [after trying to make water by burning hydrogen] So, yeah, I blew myself up. Best guess, I forgot to account for the excess oxygen that I've been exhaling when I did my calculations because I'm stupid. I'm gonna get back to work here just as soon as my ears stop ringing.
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Mark Watney: [after finding out the intercept distance is too far] Did you say 312? Yeah, I'll just wave to you guys as I go by.
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Mark Watney: I've been thinking about laws on Mars. There's an international treaty saying that no country can lay claim to anything that's not on Earth. By another treaty if you're not in any country's territory, maritime law aplies. So Mars is international waters. Now, NASA is an American non-military organization, it owns the Hab. But the second I walk outside I'm in international waters. So Here's the cool part. I'm about to leave for the Schiaparelli Crater where I'm going to commandeer the Ares IV lander. Nobody explicitly gave me permission to do this, and they can't until I'm on board the Ares IV. So I'm going to be taking a craft over in international waters without permission, which by definition... makes me a pirate. Mark Watney: Space Pirate.
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Rich Purnell: I'm gonna need more coffee
[trips over trash basket]
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Teddy Sanders: Mark Watney is dead.
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Mark Watney: Surprise!
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Mark Watney: I'm not gonna die here.
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Mark Watney: Mars will come to fear my botany powers.
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Mark Watney: None of this matters at all if I can't find a way to make contact with NASA.
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Mark Watney: Who am I to talk about loneliness?
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Teddy Sanders: Every time something goes wrong, the world forgets why we fly.
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Mark Watney: I'm the first person to be alone on an entire planet.
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Mark Watney: It's a strange feeling. Everywhere I go, I'm the first. Step outside the rover? First guy ever to be there! Climb a hill? First guy to climb that hill! Kick a rock? That rock hadn't moved in a million years! I'm the first guy to drive long-distance on Mars. The first guy to spend more than thirty-one sols on Mars. The first guy to grow crops on Mars. First, first, first!
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Annie Montrose: I mean, what are we gonna say, "Dear America, remember that astronaut we killed and had a really nice funeral for? Turns out he's alive and we left him on Mars. Our bad. Sincerely, NASA". I mean, do you realize the shit storm that is about to hit us?
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Mark Watney: Welcome to the Astronaut Candidate Program. Now pay attention, because this could save your life. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
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Mark Watney: All right, let me get a few things out of the way, right off the bat. Yes, I did in fact survive on a deserted planet by farming in my own shit. Yes, it's actually worse than it sounds. So, let's not talk about that ever again.
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Mark Watney: The other question I get most frequently is. When I was up there stranded by myself, did I think I was gonna die? Yes, absolutely. And that's one you need to know, going in, because it's gonna happen to you. This is space. It does not cooperate.
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[last lines]
Mark Watney: At some point, everything's gonna go south on you... everything's going to go south and you're going to say, this is it. This is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work. That's all it is. You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem... and you solve the next one... and then the next. And If you solve enough problems, you get to come home. All right, questions?
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Mark Watney: [mouthed, when he's told the crew doesn't know he's still alive] What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?
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Teddy Sanders: Rich?
Rich Purnell: Yeah?
Teddy Sanders: Get out!
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Vincent Kapoor: Mark, please watch your language. Everything you type is being broadcast live all over the world.
Mark Watney: Yeah?
[he proceeds to swear even more]
Vincent Kapoor: Oh my God...!
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Melissa Lewis: Let's go get our boy.
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[text message from the Hermes]: Rich Purnell is a steely-eyed missile man!
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Vincent Kapoor: How's he doing?
Mindy Park: Uh... He asked us to call him Captain Blondebeard.
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Mark Watney: [after hearing he has to take the top off of the Mars Ascent Vehicle] I know what they're doing. I know exactly what they're doing. They just keep repeating "go faster than any man in the history of space travel", like that's a good thing. Like it'll distract me from how insane their plan is. Yeah, I get to go faster than any man in the history of space travel, because you're launching me in a convertible. Actually it's worse than that, because I won't even be able to control the thing. And by the way, physicists, when describing things like acceleration do not use the word "fast". So they're only doing that in the hopes that I won't raise any objections to this lunacy, because I like the way "fastest man in the history of space travel" sounds. I do like the way it sounds... I mean, I like it a lot.
[pauses]
Mark Watney: I'm not gonna tell them that.
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Mark Watney: [eating a potato] It has been *seven days* since I ran out of ketchup!
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[first lines]
Melissa Lewis: All right team, stay in sight of each other. Let's make NASA proud today.
Rick Martinez: How's it looking over there, Watney?
Mark Watney: Well, you will be happy to hear that in Grid Section 14-28, the particles were predominately coarse but in 29, they're much finer and they should be ideal for chem analysis.
Rick Martinez: Oh, wow. Did everybody hear that? Mark just discovered dirt.
[laughs]
Rick Martinez: Should we alert the media?
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Bruce Ng: Mars' atmosphere is so thin, by the time the ship's going fast enough for air resistance to matter, it'll be high enough that there's practically no air.
Vincent Kapoor: You want to send him into space under a tarp?
Bruce Ng: Yes... Can I go on?
Vincent Kapoor: [frustrated look] NO.
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Mark Watney: [talking to himself] I'm sorry, Martinez, but if you didn't want me to go through your stuff, you shouldn't have left me for dead on a desolate planet.
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Mark Watney: I figured one of you guys kept an ASCII table lying around. And I was right. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you super-nerd Beth Johanssen, who also had copies of "Zork II" and "Leather Goddesses of Phobos" on her personal laptop. Seriously, Johanssen... it's like the Smithsonian of loneliness on there.
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Beth Johanssen: [kisses the visor of Beck's helm] Don't tell anyone I did that.
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Melissa Lewis: Houston... six crews... safely aboard.
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Melissa Lewis: You're in Martinez's hands now.
Mark Watney: Well... tell that asshole: no barrel rolls!
Melissa Lewis: Copy that, MAV.
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Mitch Henderson: The truth is that Mark's right. The longer we wait, the worse it's going to get. We need to tell the crew.
Teddy Sanders: You're saying this now while Vincent is in Pasadena, so he can't argue the other side.
Mitch Henderson: I shouldn't have to answer to Vincent or anyone else. It's time, Teddy.
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Mark Watney: [listening to "Turn the beat around"] I am definitely gonna die up here if I have to listen to any more of Commander Lewis's god-awful disco music. My God, Commander, could you have not brought something from this century? No, I won't "turn the beat around," I refuse to.
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Tim Grimes: Okay he says "They don't know I'm alive? What the F word, F word in gerund form, F word again is wrong with you?"
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Mitch Henderson: High... hello this is Mitch... Mitch Henderson. I have some news. There's no subtle way to put this; Mark Watney's still alive.
Melissa Lewis: Oh my god.
Chris Beck: What!
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Bruce Ng: Okay. Well, I'm going to need a change of clothes...
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Teddy Sanders: [From Extended Version] I just had to explain to the President of the United States what a beaurocratic felcher is.
Mitch Henderson: I made the mistake of typing it into Google. Don't.
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Bruce Ng: [From extended version] What's a Felcher?
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Bruce Ng: Alright. Ah, thanks to my uncle Tommy in China, we get another chance at this. Now, we finished the Iris probe in 62 days, and now we are going to attempt to finish it in 28.
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Annie Montrose: What the hell is "Project Elrond?"
Rich Purnell: I had to make something up.
Annie Montrose: But "Elrond?"
Mitch Henderson: Because it's a secret meeting.
Annie Montrose: How do you know that, and why does Elrond mean secret meeting?
Mitch Henderson: The Council of Elrond. It's the... it's... it's... from The Lord of the Rings. It's the meeting where they decide to destroy the one ring.
Teddy Sanders: If we are going to have a secret project called Elrond, I would like my code name to be Glorfindel.
Annie Montrose: I hate every one of you.
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Mark Watney: It's been 48 sols since I planted the potatoes. So now it's time to reap and re-sow. They grew even better than I expected. I now have 400 healthy potato plants. I dug them up being careful to leave their plants alive. The smaller ones I'll reseed, the larger ones are my food supply. All natural, organic, martian-grown potatoes. You don't hear that every day, do you? And by the way, none of this matters at all if I can't figure out a way to make contact with NASA.
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Mark Watney: [after noticing a potato sprout bloomed] Hey, there!
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Teddy Sanders: We need to use the Taiyang Shen.
Vincent Kapoor: Uh huh
Annie Montrose: What am I missing? Why is that important?
Vincent Kapoor: Beause we can only do one.
Teddy Sanders: Send Watney enough food to last until Ares IV, or send Hermes back to get him right now.
Vincent Kapoor: Both plans require the use of the Taiyang Shen. So we have to choose.
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Annie Montrose: But if something goes wrong?
Vincent Kapoor: Then we lose the crew.
Bruce Ng: So what, we either have a high chance of killing one person, or a low chance of killing six people. How do we make that decision?
Vincent Kapoor: We don't.
[pointing to Teddy]
Vincent Kapoor: He does.
Mitch Henderson: Yeah, bullshit. It should be Commander Lewis' call.
Teddy Sanders: We still have a chance to bring five astronauts home safe and sound. I'm not risking their lives.
Mitch Henderson: Let them make that decision.
Teddy Sanders: Mitch, we are going with option one.
Mitch Henderson: You god damn coward.
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Bruce Ng: Okay, um, I'm going to start by stating for the record, you are not going to like this.
Vincent Kapoor: Oh yeah.
Mitch Henderson: Yeah. The problem is the intercept velocity. The Hermes, well... it... it... can't enter Mars orbit, otherwise they will never have enough fuel to make it home. The MAV is only designed to enter low Mars orbit. So in order for Mark to escape Mars' gravity entirely to intercept with Hermes...
Vincent Kapoor: He has to be going fast.
Mitch Henderson: Exactly.
Bruce Ng: Which means we need to make the MAV lighter. A lot lighter. Five thousand kilograms lighter.
Vincent Kapoor: But you can do that, right?...
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Mitch Henderson: He's not even got to the bad parts yet.
Vincent Kapoor: Well, let's get to the bad parts.
Bruce Ng: We need to remove the nose LR, the windows, and the whole of panel 19.
Vincent Kapoor: You want to take the front of the ship off?
Bruce Ng: Sure. The nose alone is four hundred kilograms.
Vincent Kapoor: You want to send a man into space without the front of his ship?
Bruce Ng: Well, no. We are going to have him cover it with HAB canvas. The hull is mostly there to keep air in. Mars' atmosphere is so thin, you do not need a lot of streamlining. By the time the ship is going fast enough for air resistance to matter, it'll be high enough that there will be practically no air.
Vincent Kapoor: You want to send him into space under a tarp?
Bruce Ng: Yes. Can I go on?
Vincent Kapoor: [exasperated] NO!
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Mitch Henderson: Do you believe in God, Vincent?
Vincent Kapoor: Yeah. Yeah, my father was a Hindu, my mother's a Baptist, so, yeah, I believe in several.
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Mitch Henderson: Whoever gave them the maneuver only passed along information. Crew made the decision on their own.
Teddy Sanders: You may have killed them, Mitch.
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Teddy Sanders: We're fighting the same war. Every time something goes wrong, the world forgets why we fly. I'm trying to keep us airborne. It's bigger than one person.
Mitch Henderson: No. It's not.
Teddy Sanders: When this is over I'll expect your resignation.
Mitch Henderson: I understand.
Teddy Sanders: Bring our astronauts home.
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Vincent Kapoor: [Reading and citing from the panels that Mark put in front of the camera of the Pathfinder Mars robot] "'Are you receiving me? Yes - no.'
[to Tim]
Vincent Kapoor: OK, point the camera at 'yes'."
Tim Grimes: 32-minute round trip communications time, all he can do is yes/no questions and all we can do is point the camera. This won't exactly be an Algonquin round table of snappy repartee.
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Melissa Lewis: [from deleted scene] Where have you been sleeping?
Rick Martinez: In airlock 2.
Beth Johanssen, Chris Beck, Alex Vogel: WHAT!
Rick Martinez: It's the only place where I can sleep without anyone tripping me, so.
Alex Vogel: Do you understand how dangerous that is? If one seal breaks you die.
Melissa Lewis: From now on you'll sleep in Beck's room.
Chris Beck: Where am I going to sleep?
Melissa Lewis: With Johanssen.
Chris Beck: Um, uh.
[chuckles]
Chris Beck: [Johanssen looks surprised]
Melissa Lewis: Knock it off Beck. It's a small ship I know everything.
Beth Johanssen: Are you mad?
Melissa Lewis: If this was a normal mission you'd be breaking about thirty rules. But this isn't a normal mission.
Rick Martinez: And a few world records too.. WHAT'S UP!
[Shakes Beck's and Johanssen's hands]
Rick Martinez: Your gonna leave me hanging? You're going to leave me hanging? Getting down in space?
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Mark Watney: So, now that NASA can talk to me they won't shut up.
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Mark Watney: Look, I don't mean to sound arrogant or anything, but I am the greatest botanist on this planet.
The Martian Quotes
Extended Reading
