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Jay Kell: [from trailer] That is going to knock some change out of his coin purse!
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Jacques Grande: And now, I'd like to show my love by making for you a Quebec pizza.
Prudence Roanoke: What's that?
Jacques Grande: Pop-Tart with the ketchup. She's good.
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Guru Pitka: Please welcome, Celine Dion!
Jacques Grande: Ah! Dis is my day of lucky!
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Rajneesh: [answering cell phone] Dell Computers, this is Chip.
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Guru Pitka: If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?
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Jacques Grande: Don't look at me with that tone of voice or I will punch you in the shirt!
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Guru Pitka: Give me a pound. Lock it down. Break the pickle. Tickle, tickle.
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Jacques Grande: Ding Dong. Did someone order the special Quebec pizza huh? You know, like in the porno.
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Guru Pitka: Let's look at the word, guru. Ok. My goal is to get you to say "Gee You Are You", tm.
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[repeated line]
Guru Pitka: Marishka Hargitay.
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Guru Pitka: Jane, the city of Toronto doesn't hate you.
Jane Bullard: Oh, yeah they do!
Guru Pitka: Uhhh, no they don't
Jane Bullard: Oh, yeah they do!
Guru Pitka: Uhhh, no they don't
Jane Bullard: Trust me, at the arena I had maintenance paint lines telling me where the crowd can't see me! You know so they don't boo me and throw stuff at my head!
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Jane Bullard: I haven't laughed like this in such a long time.
Guru Pitka: Why not?
Jane Bullard: It's hard to laugh when men just see you as some curse.
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Angry Fan: Boo! You suck Bullard!
Jane Bullard: No you suck! You can say bad things about me but I won't say bad things about myself! So guess what? You can all just kiss my... Canadian ass!
[crowd cheers]
Jane Bullard: Cherkov, Pitka's coming you have to...
Coach Punch Cherkov: Are you as turned on as I am right now?
Jane Bullard: You're a bad bad person.
Coach Punch Cherkov: I'll take that as a yes!
Jane Bullard: Pitka's coming just stall! Ew!
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Coach Punch Cherkov: What's the capital of Thailand?
Guru Pitka: Bangkok.
Coach Punch Cherkov: Exactly.
[punches Pitka in his groin]
Guru Pitka: Omar Sharif, my balls!
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Guru Pitka: Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy. Because alligators are snappy, and at the same time, I want it prompt.
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Coach Punch Cherkov: If I sit like this any longer, I'm gonna pop my dink bag.
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Prudence Roanoke: [about Darren] Do you think he's really changed? I mean, he can't even play in front of his own mother. She's like kryptonite to him.
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Darren Roanoke: [about his suit] What's wrong with shark skin?
Guru Pitka: More like gay-skin, how about. What? Yeah.
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Guru Tugginmypudha: Good distraction frees us from emotional pain. Bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz.
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Guru Pitka: [picks up Coach Cherkov] I'd like to thank the Academy. Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah.
Coach Punch Cherkov: Put me down, a-hole!
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Darren Roanoke: How can you be the Love Guru if you've never been in a relationship?
Guru Pitka: Well, there is someone I like. But until I learn to love myself, I can only go out with three girls named Ann.
Darren Roanoke: Three girls named Ann?
Guru Pitka: Yeah. Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.
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Guru Pitka: It's a problem. Even Jay-Zed had 99 of them, and the bitch was not one of them!
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Guru Pitka: Intimacy is like putting your wiener on a table and having someone say "That looks like a penis... only smaller".
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Guru Pitka: Rajneesh, let's make like a baby and head out!
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Guru Pitka: I speak of Intimacy, or Into-Me-I-See
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Guru Pitka: Tickle, tickle... Break the pickle.
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Guru Pitka: Tonawanda street? I know this street.
Darren Roanoke: You do?
Guru Pitka: Yes. At what number did you live?
Darren Roanoke: Fifty-three.
Guru Pitka: Did you know a Dickie Withers at 85?
Darren Roanoke: No?
Guru Pitka: Well, it does. A dickie does wither at 85. I own you! Yeah! You are laughing! You see, you are filled with joy of a child!
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Guru Pitka: [notices Coach Cherkov behind him and freaks out] That little guy scared the crap out of me.
Coach Punch Cherkov: [to Jane] Who is this prick?
Guru Pitka: Oh hello there. Shrimp?
Coach Punch Cherkov: What did you call me?
Guru Pitka: Oh nothing I just wanted to know your gnome... Name! You are a midget.
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Guru Pitka: They can say bad thing about you but you must never say bad things about yourself.
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Guru Pitka: [opening line, spoken in deep voice] When I was a child in India, growing up in the tiny village of Harenmahkeester, I found a voice over machine which I still use to this day.
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[repeated line]
Guru Pitka: I am his holiness, the Guru Pitka.
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Guru Pitka: Sheket Bevakasha. Means Silence Please in hebrew
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Guru Pitka: Tell me. What is it, you cunt-face.
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Jessica Simpson: [using the ashram's greeting] Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
Guru Pitka: Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson.
[kisses a flower, gives it to her and then grabs her head, causing a small orgasm]
Guru Pitka: [recovers] Did you get into the VIP room OK?
[Jessica smiles, the Guru mouths the words I LOVE YOU]
Val Kilmer: Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
Guru Pitka: Mariska Hargitay, Val Kilmer.
[kisses a flower, hands it to Val who breaks a part of it off]
Guru Pitka: [screams loudly] Why do you hurt me?
[Val looks confused]
Guru Pitka: I know why, I know why.
Mariska Hargitay: Mariska Hargitay, Guru Pitka.
Guru Pitka: [stunned] Mariska Hargitay, Mariska Hargitay.
The Love Guru Quotes
Extended Reading
Top cast
