The Lavender Hill Mob Quotes

Neighbor: Ah, Holland, heh heh, the man of millions! What'd you get away with today? Got any spare ingots for an old pal? Ha ha, you'll be the death of me, Holland!

Henry Holland: I sincerely trust so.

[Henry Holland is reading aloud to the elderly Mrs. Chalk from a book titled YOU'D LOOK SWELL IN A SHROUD]

Henry Holland: Where did we get?

Mrs. Chalk: Duke Milligan was about to take a gander at Mickey the Greek's hideout.

Henry Holland: Oh yes, here we are. "I handed my fedora to a hatcheck girl with all that Venus de Milo had got and then more, and I was admiring the more when I glimpsed something in the back of this frail that set my underwear creeping up on me like it had legs."

Mrs. Chalk: I know that feeling well.

Henry Holland: "A guy had soft-shoed out of the door from the gaming room as quiet as a snake on tip-belly, and I didn't need my case history of Smiling Abe Montana to know that sonny boy was his number-one triggerman, Ricky the Filipino."

Mrs. Chalk: I thought it was Little Boy Shultz who carried the rod for Mr. Montana.

Henry Holland: It was, Mrs. Chalk, but surely you remember? Montana found Shultz taking liberties with that lady.

Mrs. Chalk: Yes, yes, they took him for a ride. Only last night, wasn't it? Oh, I must be getting old. Read on, Mr. Holland.

Pendlebury: By Jove, Holland, it's a good job we're both honest men.

Henry Holland: It is indeed, Pendlebury.

Pendlebury: Guns, yes. It's essential we're armed. Here we are. Here's yours.

Henry Holland: Is it loaded?

Pendlebury: Yes. It's a present from Margate. It fires a stick of rock.

Henry Holland: I must apologize, gentlemen, for the somewhat informal manner in which we effected our introduction, but my colleague and I have a certain proposition which we'd like to put to you. I might almost call it a gilt-edged proposition, although paradoxically it does entail a measure of risk. However, when I quote the anticipated dividend, I'm sure that you will both agree with me that the...

[There is a noise at the open window]

Pendlebury: Not another one, surely.

Henry Holland: Tell him we're suited.

Turner: Paris, eh? You're stepping out, Holland. Wonderful, isn't it, what a little extra money will do?

Henry Holland: Yes, it's going to make a big difference to me.

[on the day before Holland and his associates are to carry out the robbery, he has a chat with his boss Turner, who thinks that the subject is over Holland's forthcoming promotion]

Turner: And, erm, here's the order for tomorrow's consignment. Somewhat larger that I expected: 212 bars.

Henry Holland: That won't worry me, sir.

Turner: Dependable to the last. I'm going to miss you, Holland.

Henry Holland: You're very kind, sir. I shall always have the happiest memories of the dear old bullion office.

Turner: Has Mr. Applecrumby spoken to you about your holiday?

Henry Holland: Yes, sir. I'm going to Paris.

Turner: Paris, hey? You're stepping out, Holland. Wonderful isn't it, what a little extra money will do?

Henry Holland: Yes, it's going to make a big difference to me.

[just as he is planning the robbery, Holland is told that he is being promoted to another department]

Henry Holland: I'm too old to change my views now, sir.

Turner: Nonsense. You're never too old to better oneself. Think of what you can do with an extra 15 shillings a week.

Henry Holland: But sir, I like the bullion office. It holds all I ever wished for.

Turner: The trouble with you, Holland, if I may speak frankly, is that you do not have enough ambition. When a good opportunity comes along grab it with both hands. May not occur again.

Henry Holland: Very good, sir. I'll follow your advice.

[Holland leaves in order to put his plans for the robbery into motion]

[Holland enters the yard and sees Lackery wobble past on a bicycle]

Henry Holland: You're teaching the wrong man!

Pendlebury: Well, I had to change him over. Shorty can't ride a bicycle.

[Lackery falls]

Henry Holland: Doesn't look as if he can either.

Shorty: We're learning him.

Henry Holland: Why couldn't you learn Shorty?

Pendlebury: Because Lackery's color-blind.

Henry Holland: What's that got to do with it?

Pendlebury: Oh my dear Holland, do use your intelligence! If a policeman were to come along and see a green sunset over a purple sea...

Henry Holland: All right, all right, spare me the details.

Henry Holland: A minute later, the guard will appear around this corner, and you, Pendlebury, will detain him for at least half a minute. Ask him for a light, ask him the way, ask him anything, but keep him there, we must have those thirty seconds.

Pendlebury: Edgar.

Henry Holland: I beg your pardon?

Pendlebury: Isn't one supposed to say that when one's being briefed? On my rare visits to the cinema...

Henry Holland: The word is "roger."

Pendlebury: Oh, roger. How silly of me.

Pendlebury: Edgar!

Henry Holland: I beg your pardon.

Pendlebury: Err... isn't one supposed to say that when one is being briefed? On my rare visits to the cinema...

Henry Holland: The word is roger.

Shorty: Okay, you're the boss.

Henry Holland: Yes. Yes, that's right - I am.

Henry Holland: I said leave it.

Lackery: A ruddy waste! There's many a starving bloke'd be glad of that lot!

Pendlebury: Well, you might as well know. I was lying. I am a thief. It was madness to attempt it. We weren't cut out for crime, either of us.

Policeman: We?

Pendlebury: My partner and I.

Sidewalk Vendor: Your partner? Here, if you're working with the fence who's got them other pictures...

Policeman: Shh! Carry on.

Pendlebury: Oh I make no excuses. All my life it's been my ambition to surround myself with rare and beautiful things. Suddenly faced with this golden opportunity...

Sidewalk Vendor: Here, you call that picture of mine rare and beautiful?

Pendlebury: Since you will keep on interrupting me, you ought to know it's a charming example of an early Rochet, while he was still under the influence of Corot.

Sidewalk Vendor: Oh yeah? How much is it worth?

Pendlebury: Ten pound, to those who can afford it.

Sidewalk Vendor: Oh blimey. I've had it marked up for five bob.

Mrs. Chalk: But surely you must have some suspicion. Who work the heist rackets in this territory?

Policeman: Beg your pardon, lady?

Mrs. Chalk: Oh really! I can't make myself much plainer. Which hoodlums around here specialize in toby jobs?

[Holland and Pendlebury look at a newly cast Eiffel Tower paperweight]

Henry Holland: Our firstborn.

Pendlebury: Now it's all over, I suppose I may dare say it's been a most remarkable coup.

Shorty: The biggest job of its kind since One-Eyed Dobson got away with the GIs' pay packets. Two million dollars, Grosvenor Square, 'forty-five.

Henry Holland: That was before devaluation. And this is one million pounds.

Shorty: Oh, that's right. Blimey. We've got the record!

Shorty: I didn't like to say so, but I don't really fancy going to Paris meself.

Henry Holland: Why?

Shorty: Well a friend of mine, he pinched a couple of tickets for the Test Match, see? I wouldn't half like to see that.

Pendlebury: [replying to Shorty's statement that he and Lackery will wait for Holland and Pendlebury to return from France with their shares of the proceeds] You mean you both trust us?

Shorty: Oh, come off it, gov. You're as straight a pair of gentlemen as I ever worked for.

Lackery: Hear hear!

Miss Evesham: [greeting Holland and Pendlebury on their tipsy return from a celebratory dinner] You naughty men, waking us all up at this hour.

Pendlebury: A thousand pardons.

Henry Holland: [Restraining Pendlebury as he's about to enter] Wipe your feet.

Pendlebury: A little celebration.

Miss Evesham: Already? Your holidays don't start till tomorrow.

Henry Holland: Today is tomorrow.

Pendlebury: "O polished perturbation! Golden care! That keep'st the ports of slumber open wide!" Henry IV, part two.

Miss Evesham: Good night, you naughty men. Don't forget to switch off.

Henry Holland: Pendlebury.

Pendlebury: Yeah?

Henry Holland: Pendlebury.

Pendlebury: What?

Henry Holland: May I call you Alfred?

Pendlebury: Alfred? Call me Al. And I'll call you... Henry, isn't it.

Henry Holland: A name I never cared for.

Pendlebury: Hm?

Henry Holland: Mm. Call me Dutch.

Pendlebury: Dutch. Yes.

[They shake hands]

Pendlebury: Good night, Dutch.

Henry Holland: Good night, Al.

Henry Holland: Instead of changing as usual at Charing Cross, I came straight on to Rio de Janeiro. "Gay, sprightly, land of mirth and social ease." Pendlebury.

British man: Plus six Eiffel Towers. How much did they fetch?

Henry Holland: Twenty-five thousand pounds. Enough to keep me for one year in the style to which I was, ah, unaccustomed.

Customs Official: L'argent.

Pendlebury: Oh, sadist torturers! Money.

Customs Official: Your foreign currency? What do you have?

Pendlebury: There!

[throws his money in the air]

Pendlebury: Count it!

Lackery: Bellamy's? In Bromley?

Shorty: That's right. Last June. Twelver.

Lackery: I was casing that joint the night you got pinched.

Shorty: Well, what do you know? Shorty Fisher.

Lackery: Nice to meet you.

Pendlebury: Excuse me, I may be a bit slow but do I understand that in fact, you two are both professional criminals?

Shorty: Well, what else do you take us for, rutty snoopers?

Lackery: What's the setup?

Pendlebury: There's someone else out there.

Henry Holland: Tell them we're suited.