The Lady Eve Quotes

Charles: Do you think they're dancing anyplace on board?

Jean: Don't you think we ought to go to bed?

Charles: You're certainly a funny girl for anybody to meet who's just been up the Amazon for a year.

Jean: Good thing you weren't up there two years.

Jean: Do you know Charles?

Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: Oh, is he the tall backward boy who's always toying with toads and things? Yes, I think I have seen him skulking about.

Jean: He isn't backwards. He's a scientist.

Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: Oh, is that what it is? I knew he was... peculiar.

Jean: Boy, would I like to see you givin' some old harpie the three in one!

'Colonel' Harrington: Don't be vulgar, Jean. Let us be crooked, but never common.

Jean: I don't see why I have to do all the dirty work. There must be plenty of rich old dames just waiting for you to push 'em around.

'Colonel' Harrington: You find 'em, I'll push 'em.

Second Ship's Waiter: Good morning, sir. Fruit, cereal, bacon and eggs, eggs and sausage, sausage and hot cakes, hot cakes and ham, ham and eggs, eggs and bacon, bacon and...

Muggsy: Gimme a spoonful of milk, a raw pigeon's egg, and four houseflies. If you can't catch any, I'll settle for a cockroach.

Charles: Snakes are my life, in a way.

Jean: What a life!

Jean: What were you doing up the Amazon?

Charles: Looking for snakes. I'm an ophiologist.

Jean: I thought you were in the beer business.

Charles: Beer? Ale!

Jean: What's the difference?

Charles: Between beer and ale?

Jean: Yes.

Charles: My father'd burst a blood vessel if he heard you say that. There's a big difference. Ale's sort of fermented on the top or something, and beer's fermented on the bottom, or maybe it's the other way around. There's no similarity at all. You see, the trouble with being descended from a brewer, no matter how long ago he brewed it, or whatever you call it, you're supposed to know all about something you don't give a hoot about.

Steward: Breakfast, sir?

Charles: What'd you say?

Steward: I said, "Breakfast, sir?"

Charles: Two scotch and sodas with plain water. You take it plain, don't you?

Jean: Don't you take cream and sugar?

Charles: No, I always drink it black.

[pause]

Charles: Say, what am I talking about?

Jean: That's what I was wondering.

Steward: How about a nice bicarbonate of soda with an egg in it? It does wonders!

Gerald: What I can't understand is how he finished fifth!

Jean: There were only five horses in the race. What do you expect when you bet on a goat called "After You?"

Charles: And I have no right to be in your cabin.

Jean: Why?

Charles: I'm married.

Jean: But so am I, darling. So am I.

Jean: [while observing Charles from her pocket mirror] Not good enough.

'Colonel' Harrington: What'd you say?

Jean: I said they're not good enough for him. Every Jane in the room is giving him the thermometer and he feels they're just a waste of time. He's returning to his book; he's deeply immersed in it. He sees no one except - watch his head turn when that kid goes by. Won't do ya any good, dear - he's a bookworm - but swing 'em anyway. Oh, now how about this one. How'd you like *that* hanging on your Christmas tree? Oh, you wouldn't? Well, what is your weakness, brother? Holy smoke, the dropped kerchief! That hasn't been used since Lily Langtry. You'll have to pick it up yourself, madam. It's a shame, but he doesn't care for the flesh. He'll never see it. Look at that girl over to his left. Look over to your left, bookworm. There's a girl pining for ya. A little further. Just a little further... There! Wasn't that worth looking for? See those nice store teeth all beaming at you. Oh, she recognizes you! She's up, she's down, she can't make up her mind. She's up again. She recognizes you! She's coming over to speak to you. The suspense is killing me. "Why, for heaven's sake, aren't you Fuzzy Oathammer I went to manual training school with in Louisville? Oh, you're not? Well, you certainly look exactly like him, it's certainly a remarkable resemblance... But if you're not going to ask me to sit down, I suppose you're not going to ask me to sit down... I'm very sorry, I certainly hope I haven't caused you any embarrassment, you so and so." "I wonder if my tie's on straight. I certainly upset them, don't I? Now who else is after me?" Ah, the lady champion wrestler, wouldn't she make a houseful? Oh, you don't like her either. Well, what are you going to do about her? Oh, you just can't stand it anymore, you're leaving. These women don't give you a moment's peace, do they? Well, go ahead! Go sulk in your cabin. Go soak your head and see if I care!

Gerald: D'you want the strippers on the right or the left?

'Colonel' Harrington: I hardly need them, Gerald. I can take this boy with a deck of visiting cards.

Charles: [speaking of card playing] Now you, on the other hand, with a little coaching you could be terrific.

Jean: Do you really think so?

Charles: Yes, you have a definite nose.

Jean: Well, I'm glad you like it. Do you like any of the rest of me?

Charles: [unaware he has been targeted by a couple of card sharps] Have you seen this one?

[performs childish sleight-of-hand trick]

Jean: Oh, he does card tricks!

Lawyer at Phone in Pike's Office: But he says she says she won't have anything to do with lawyers.

Lawyer: That's entirely irregular!

Mr. Pike: Well, it's a thought!

[last lines]

Muggsy: [squeezing himself quietly out of the honeymoon cabin] Positively the same dame!

Jean: [in her Eve persona] Naturally I was frightfully anxious to see Uncle Alfred, and as I didn't know just where Connecticut was, I took the tube.

Mr. Pike: [the crowd laughs] The subway.

Jean: And to the official, I said, "Be so good as to let me off at Connecticut." You see, I thought we'd have the boxes sent up in a dray later that afternoon.

Mr. Pike: The what?

Bartender at Pike's Party: Trunks on a truck.

[the crowd laughs]

Jean: So he said, "Lady, I don't know where Connecticut is, but this train goes to Harlem."

[the crowd laughs]

Jean: But I don't know how he knew I was a Lady!

[the crowd laughs]

Jean: [spotting Charles] Oh, there he is!

Charles: [entering back among the party guests] I had to change my coat.

Mr. Pike: Well, don't knock the table over.

Charles: [sniffs] Holy Moses!

Jean: What's the matter?

Charles: That perfume!

Jean: What's the matter with it?

Charles: Well, it's just that I've been up the Amazon for a year and they don't use perfume.

Jean: Don't you like my perfume?

Charles: Like it? I'm cockeyed on it.

Jean: Why, Hopsi, you aught to be kept in a cage.

Jean: [snuggling happily] Oh, you don't know what you've done to me.

Charles: [worried] Terribly sorry.

Jean: Oh, that's all right.

[Jean screams upon waking]

'Colonel' Harrington: [rushing in] What's 'e matter?

Jean: Oh, I'm sorry. That slimy snake! I've been dreaming about him all night.

'Colonel' Harrington: You mean Pike?

Muggsy: I wanna ask you a hypo-thermical question.

Mr. Clink - Purser: Maybe that would be better to ask the doctor.

Muggsy: Never mind the wisecracks.

'Colonel' Harrington: Are you really in love with this mug?

Jean: Uh-huh.

'Colonel' Harrington: Don't you think it a little bit dangerous? I don't mean for us, I mean for your heart. They're apt to be slightly narrow-minded, the righteous people.

'Colonel' Harrington: Ah, there you are. Well, it certainly took you long enough to come back in the same outfit.

Jean: I'm lucky to have this on. Mr Pike has been up the river for a year.

[Jean is crying on her bed]

'Colonel' Harrington: My gracious! You know you shouldn't draw to an inside straight.

Mr. Pike: You haven't been hitting the bottle lately, have you?

Jean: Of course he hasn't, anybody's apt to trip.

Mr. Pike: Not over a sofa! That sofa's been there for fifteen years, and no one ever fell over it before!

Jean: I don't know why it is, but a sucker always steps on your feet.

'Colonel' Harrington: A mug is a mug in everything.

First Steward: They don't want anything else. They want the ale that won for Yale. Rah! Rah! Rah!

Ship's Bartender: Well, tell 'em to go to Harvard.

Charles: By the way, my name's Pike.

Jean: Oh, everybody knows that. Nobody's talking about anything else. This is my father, Colonel Harrington. My name is Jean. It's really Eugenia. Come on.

[She puts her arm in his and they walk off]

Jean: Hello, Hopsie.

Charles: Make it Charlie, will ya?

Jean: Heh, all right. But there's something kind of cute about Hopsie. And when you get older I could call you Popsie - Hopsie Popsie.

Charles: Would you care to come in, and see Emma?

Jean: That's a new one, isn't it?

Jean: [after screaming and running down the hallway and ship's stairs to her room] Why didn't you tell me you had a slimy...

Charles: I thought you understood Emma was a snake.

Jean: Well, how could I understand anything of the kind? Why should I suspect an apparently civilized man...

Charles: Please.

Jean: Oh, look under the bed.

Jean: How was everything up the Amazon?

Charles: All right, thank you.

Jean: You have a right to have an ideal. Oh, I guess we all have one.

Charles: What does yours look like?

Jean: He's a little short guy with lots of money.

Charles: Why short?

Jean: What does it matter, if he's rich? It's so he'll look up to me, so I'll be his idol.

Charles: That's a funny kind of reasoning.

Charles: I shouldn't think that kind of idol was so difficult to find.

Jean: Oh, he isn't. That's why he's my idol. What's the sense of having one if you can't ever find him?

Charles: Why don't you marry one of them?

Jean: Why should I marry anybody that looked like that?

Charles: You have the darnedest way of bumping a fellow down and bouncing him up again.

Jean: And then bumping him down again.

'Colonel' Harrington: [Hurrying into her room after Jean screams] What's the matter?

Jean: Oh, I'm sorry. That slimy snake. I've been dreaming about him all night.

'Colonel' Harrington: You mean Pike?

Jean: No. His reptile. He travels with a snake act.

'Colonel' Harrington: Greetings, my little minx. I hope I find you well and that your little pal hasn't fallen overboard.

Gerald: With our $600.

Jean: I think Charles is in love with me.

Gerald: No?

Jean: Yes.

'Colonel' Harrington: Of course he's in love with you. Who is he not to be in love with you who have beautified the North Atlantic?

Jean: I think he's going to ask me to marry him.

'Colonel' Harrington: No?

Gerald: No?

Jean: Yes.

Gerald: That's wonderful, Jean.

'Colonel' Harrington: No wonder you're blushing.

Jean: Heh.

'Colonel' Harrington: And that fortunate young man.

Gerald: Fortunate indeed.

'Colonel' Harrington: Can't you hear his pulse pounding? His ears must be ringing like telephone bells.

Gerald: His hands are clammy with excitement.

'Colonel' Harrington: He won't know an ace from a deuce.

Jean: You weren't thinking of taking him, Harry?

'Colonel' Harrington: Well, what were you thinking of?

Jean: [as Lady Eve] Isn't your son feeling well?

Mr. Pike: What's the matter with you?

Charles: Well, I mean to say, uh, haven't we met?

Jean: But of course we have. Your father just introduced us.

Charles: It couldn't have been on the SS Southern Queen between here and South America could it?

Jean: [as Lady Eve] Oh, I'm afraid not. You see, I've never been in South America.

Charles: You've never been in South America.

Mr. Pike: She's never been in South America.

Jean: [as Lady Eve] Ohhh. Were you in love with her?

Mr. Pike: Yeah, he was in love with her, but he don't remember what she looked like.

Muggsy: That's the same dame. She looks the same, she walks the same and she's tossing you just like she done the last time.

Charles: She doesn't talk the same.

Muggsy: Anybody can put on an act.

[He mimics Adolph Hitler speaking German]

Muggsy: Guess who I am.

Charles: Weren't her eyes closer together?

Muggsy: They were not. They were right where they are, on each side of her nose.

Jean: [as Lady Eve] Oh, there he is.

Charles: I had to change my coat.

Mr. Pike: Well, don't knock the table over.

Party Guest: Did you hear how the Lady Eve got to this country?

Charles: How?

Party Guest: You must promise not to tell a soul.

Charles: I won't.

Party Guest: In a submarine.

Charles: No! Is that so?

Mr. Pike: Will you throw that roughneck out of here or do I have to?

Burrows: With enthusiasm, sir.

Charles: I hope your niece doesn't think I'm a half-wit.

Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: Oh, ho, bumblepuppy

[sic]

Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: . Why, she's used to having young men fall for her.

Charles: No, it's just that this girl on the boat.

Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: There was a girl on a boat?

Charles: She looked so exactly like your niece.

Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: Shhh! Did she have the McGlennan eyes? The cornflower blue?

Charles: I think so.

Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: Then you must never mention a word of this to a soul.

Charles, Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: What do you mean?

Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: Shhh! You're rattling the skeleton in our family closet. I'm afraid you've stumbled on the sorrow of Sidwich, the secret of the century.

Charles: Men - that is, lots of men, are more careful in choosing a tailor than they are in choosing a wife.

Jean: [as Lady Eve] That's probably why they look so funny.

Charles: No, dear, they're more careful in choosing a tailor than in choosing a wife.

Jean: Oh? But not you, Charles?

Charles: That's right.

Charles: You're so fine. You're so - I don't deserve you.

Jean: [as Lady Eve] Oh, but you do, Charles. If anybody ever deserved me, you do. So richly.

'Colonel' Harrington: Very depressing having your own daughter married, and not be there.

Gerald: Especially under an assumed name. Is that legal?

'Colonel' Harrington: Seems to be. Women change their names so much anyway; it doesn't seem to matter.

Charles: Who did you elope with?

Jean: [as Lady Eve] Oh, now, I 've planted a seed in your mind. Are you sure you want to know? Oh, why don't we just forget the whole thing?

Charles: Who was it?

Jean: [as Lady Eve] Angus.

Charles: Angus?

Jean: Oh, I assure you, darling, he was no one of the slightest importance.

Jean: [as Lady Eve] He was just a groom on father's estate.

Charles: A groom?

Jean: Well, not really the groom, of course. He, he used to put on the groom's uniform on his day off, then he'd be the groom that day. The rest of the time he was just a stable boy.

[She laughs up a storm]

Charles: Stable boy?

Jean: Yes, the boy who cleans up the stables.

Charles: When they brought you back, it was before nightfall, I trust?

Jean: Oh, noooo.

Charles: You were out all night?

Jean: Oh, my dear, it took them weeks to find us.

Charles: Eve.

Jean: [as Lady Eve] Yes, darling.

Charles: If there's one thing that distinguishes a man from a beast, it's the ability to understand, and understanding, forgive. Surely, the qualities of mercy, understanding and sweet forgiveness...

Jean: Sweet what?

Charles: [Loudly] Sweet forgiveness!

Jean: Oh.

Jean: [as Lady Eve] I knew you'd be that way... . I knew you'd be both husband and father to me. I knew I could trust and confide in you. I suppose that's why I fell in love with you.

Charles: Thank you.

Jean: [as Lady Eve] I wonder if now would be the time to tell you about Herman.

Charles: Herman. Herman? Who was Herman?

Charles: Vernon? I thought you said his name was Herman?

Jean: [as Lady Eve] Vernon was Herman's friend.

Charles: What a friend.

Charles: Cecil?

Jean: [as Lady Eve] It's pronounced "Sess-il".

Jean: [as Lady Eve] What did you say, dear?

Charles: I said, how do you mean Hubert or Herbert?

Jean, Charles: They were John's twin cousins.

Charles: John? Who was John?

'Colonel' Harrington, Jean: What's the matter with you? They want to make a settlement. They'll give you half when you leave for Reno, and the balance at the end of six weeks. Name your own price. For once, that we have a chance to make some honest money...

Jean: Oh, tell 'em to go peel and eel.

'Colonel' Harrington: I don't think you realize the beauty of your situation. You're holding a royal flush.

Gerald: You've got him right by the ears.

'Colonel' Harrington: You know, I had nothing to do with this arrangement. But now that you're in it, you might as well go...

Mr. Pike: Will you talk to her?

Charles: I'll rot before I'll talk to her.

Mr. Pike: All she wants is for you to go to New York and ask her.

Lawyer at Phone in Pike's Office: It's a trick!

Mr. Pike: Will you keep outta this. That's all she wants. When can you go?

Charles: Oh, that's all she wants, is it? You can tell her if she's waiting for me to ask her, she'll wait till Havana freeze over...