-
[from trailer]
Hank Palmer: My father is a lot of unpleasant things, but murderer is not one of them.
-
[from trailer]
Judge Joseph Palmer: You and I are finally done.
Hank Palmer: Oh, we're not done.
-
Hank Palmer: Everyone wants Atticus Finch until there's a dead hooker in a bathtub. Note: Atticus Finch is the lawyer in "To Kill a Mockingbird."
-
Hank Palmer: Tell me what happened.
Judge Joseph Palmer: I don't remember.
Hank Palmer: Because you were drunk?
Judge Joseph Palmer: No, because I *can't* remember. Don't you think I *want* to remember? I *can't*! For all I know, I never hit any thing or any body!
Hank Palmer: So, I was in the liquor cabinet. What kind of recovering alcoholic keeps his dark, liquor cabinet?
Judge Joseph Palmer: No, no, no, no, *recovered*. It's a reminder that I'm stronger, it holds no power over me.
Hank Palmer: Right now, that cop Hanson is on his way to the mini-mart, to ask some scared shitless high school clerk with half a joint in his front pocket... if you had the odour of an alcoholic beverage on your breath! Did you?
Judge Joseph Palmer: No.
Hank Palmer: Bloodshot eyes.
Judge Joseph Palmer: No!
Hank Palmer: Slurred speech?
Judge Joseph Palmer: *No!*
Dale Palmer: [Hank slams the breaks on his car and backs into the driveway. Glenn and Dale look on, fully aware of the tension rising between the two despite not being in the car with them] They shouldn't drive together.
-
Hank Palmer: Why'd you pull me out of Boy Scouts?
Judge Joseph Palmer: As punishment for blowing up the McCraw's mailbox with M80s.
Hank Palmer: I was 13. *That* you remember. *That*!
Judge Joseph Palmer: Oh, old enough to know better.
Hank Palmer: You didn't come to my high school graduation or college. Why?
Judge Joseph Palmer: [Overlapping] Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. "Why?" Jail time, truancy, I don't get to reward anything! None of your shit!
Hank Palmer: I graduated from *law school*, for Christ's sake.
Judge Joseph Palmer: As opposed to what? Dropping out?
Hank Palmer: Fuck you!
Judge Joseph Palmer: Let me tell you something, okay? I put a roof over your head, money in your pocket, clothes on your back... *food* in your *mouth*! Who paid for that college education? I never showed up to kiss your ass, but your mother? She's a house wife! Why couldn't you swallow your God damned pride and just come home to her? You tell me why!
Hank Palmer: [On the verge of tears] You know, you'd invite people at the end of their parole back to court... You'd *recognize* those who did their time, turned their lives around, made something of themselves. Everyone in the court applauded, and you made sure they did! Tell them how *proud* you were... Proud of *fucking* strangers!
Judge Joseph Palmer: Is that all you wanted, Henry, was a kind word? An 'atta boy? Then to use your words, you should have *come* the *fuck* home! We all waited, *quietly*, but you never came. Okay? And I was the one she'd blame, because you wouldn't come home. Me. Now, was I tough on you? Yes. How'd you turn out, Henry? Waiting tables? A bum?
Hank Palmer: You put me in Juvenile Detention... you sent me to fucking Vanderburgh!
Judge Joseph Palmer: [Interrupting] No, no, no, no, no, you put yourself there.
Hank Palmer: Did I?
Judge Joseph Palmer: Yes.
Hank Palmer: The prosecutor recommended community service. That was *your* call!
Judge Joseph Palmer: No, no, no, it wouldn't have *helped* you!
Hank Palmer: I didn't need *help*, I needed *you*!
Judge Joseph Palmer: You were high, you rolled a car with your brother in it! He had a major league career ahead of him, a 90 mile-an-hour fast ball, and he runs a turnip shop! You crippled him, you stole his future, and you call *me* an ass hole?
Hank Palmer: What do you want from me? I was 17 when that happened. I was *17*.
Judge Joseph Palmer: Oooh, "I was 13, I was 17." You were headed down the wrong path! I did what I thought was right.
Hank Palmer: [Holding back tears] You know, I didn't just graduate from law school, I graduated first in my class... I was *first* in my class... I did *really* well, dad.
Judge Joseph Palmer: You're welcome.
[Walks out of the room]
Hank Palmer: [Grits his teeth and clenches his fist; he sits at the kitchen table, speaking in a barely audible voice] Fuck... Damn this house... God damn this *fucking* house...
-
Mike Kattan: And how does it feel, Hank? Knowing that every client you represent is guilty?
Hank Palmer: It's fine. Innocent people can't afford me.
-
Dwight Dickham: You're a shined up wooden nickel, Mr Palmer. A bully with a bag of tricks. But unlike you, I have one simple belief. That the law is the only thing that's capable of making people equal. Now you may think that Mark Blackwell is white trash, and he may very well have been. But in the eyes of the state, his life matters. I'm going to impale your client on a first degree murder charge. And you get a front row seat.
-
Dwight Dickham: The law is the only thing capable of making people equal
-
Doc Morris: Wow, this isn't an act, is it? You really aren't a pleasant person.
Hank Palmer: Right now? I'm a summer breeze. Once I subpoena you, get you on the stand and extract the truth from your ass like tree sap THEN you'll realize in THAT moment, correct, I'm not a pleasant person.
-
Hank Palmer: Shit happens.
Judge Joseph Palmer: Like your marriage.
-
C.P. Kennedy: Now, what exactly is our target juror?
Judge Joseph Palmer: Intelligent people who will listen to instructions and follow the evidence.
Hank Palmer: Crackpots. Those I can persuade to swallow their own tongue. Anyone who's seen a Sasquatch. Moon-landing deniers. Those are our people.
-
Hank Palmer: Grandpa Schneider is kind of, you know, nice and affable. He'd maybe take you for ice cream, maybe read to you. Grandpa Palmer doesn't wanna do any of that. If you ask him to read, he might throw the book at you.
-
Hank Palmer: Did you know 90% of the country believes in ghosts? less than a third in evolution? 35% can correctly identify Homer Simpson's fictional town in which he resides, less than 1% knows the name Thurgood Marshall. But... when you put 12 Americans together in a jury and you ask for justice? Something just South of brilliance happens. Often as not, they get it right.
-
Hank Palmer: This family is a f***ing Piccaso.
-
Juror #8: Gun control means using both hands.
-
Judge Joseph Palmer: You gonna be ok at the funeral tomorrow? That camera makes an appearance, we both know where it's heading, right?
Dale Palmer: Up my ass.
Judge Joseph Palmer: Good man.
-
Samantha Powell: Stop staring. I know I look good.
-
Samantha Powell: Yeah, well, it's my bullshit, kindly remove your shoes from it.
-
[first lines]
Mike Kattan: [stomping into the mens room] You're not getting away with this. Palmer, you asshole!... Hey!
Hank Palmer: [turning toward him getting him wet] Yeah. Oops.
-
Mike Kattan: Is this the first time your mom passed away, or is it something you do on all cases you're about to lose?
Judge Carter: I'm sorry for your loss.
Hank Palmer: First time...
-
Hank Palmer: This family's a fucking Picasso painting.
-
Hank Palmer: [addressing crowd of ruffians] Possession of a controlled substance? Domestic violence? That's you. You all right, honey? What other random myriad of fucking misdemeanors is gonna come to light while you're drawing out in the slammer? Failure to appear? Bench warrants? Come on. And because I'm the only one that actually isn't driving with a suspended license, I'll be driving your gals home. So who lives closer? Uh, bad skin muffin-top, or Red Bull semen breath?
[a brief scuffle]
Redneck: Asshole!
Hank Palmer: Throw that punch. You like County food?
-
Hank Palmer: Imagine a far away place, Hank, where people value your opinion. Now go there.
-
Dale Palmer: [seeing Hank backs the car wildly up the driveway with his father in the car] They shouldn't drive together.
-
Dale Palmer: What line were we in when they were distributing testicles?
-
Hank Palmer: You think there's something else after we die?
Judge Joseph Palmer: You asking me if I believe in God?
Hank Palmer: Do you?
Judge Joseph Palmer: I'm 72 with stage 4 cancer. What choice do I have?
-
Samantha Powell: Dammit, Hank. I loved you then and I love you now. I do. I love how you are simultaneously the most selfish and the most generous person I know. I love how you hate a bully while being one. But your constant second-guessing of others, that crystal-ball bullshit? That hyperverbal vocabulary-vomit thing that you do? I disappeared around you, Hank.
Hank Palmer: Say it again.
Samantha Powell: All of it?
-
Samantha Powell: Whatever had or hadn't happened in the past, I was gonna be the hero of my own story.
-
Hank Palmer: Dial down the crazy now. Dial it down.
Glen Palmer: Don't pat me. Don't pat me. I'm the big brother here. Don't pat me.
-
Hank Palmer: I don't buy it. It can't be the first time someone's insulted you. It's your job. Why did you go easy on him the first time? Of all the judges in Indiana, the one with the tightest... You gave him 30 days. He threatened her, discharged a firearm at her residence.That's six months. A year. Easy. What was your reasoning? A hundred and 80 days, that's solid. Maybe he'd have cooled off. Maybe he doesn't kill Hope. Maybe we're not here. Of all the years you sat on that bench... all the people that stood before you, the leniency... the understanding, the free ride goes to Mark Blackwell? How do you explain that lapse in judgment?
Judge Joseph Palmer: I looked at him and saw you. Same willful disobedience... same recklessness. I looked at him and saw my middle son.My little boy. My little boy. I watched him cry right there. I wanted to put my arms around him and tell him it didn't have to be like this. I wanted someone to help him... like I'd want someone to help my boy... if he lost his way. It was my chance to be... that someone. Is that so much to ask? Maybe so. Maybe so.
Hank Palmer: I have memories. Of us. You, me. Then I don't. How come? Why?
Judge Joseph Palmer: Why? Why? I looked at you and I saw him.
[Hank closes his eyes and a tear fell]
Judge Joseph Palmer: [the judge closed his eyes in despair]
-
Judge Joseph Palmer: Lisa played hide the pickle with someone else.
-
Hank Palmer: Hey judge, where are you going? Indiana state penitentiary is this way.
-
Hank Palmer: Tell me about Lauren. Likes-dislikes? What the future may hold for you? Where you leaning? Teacher? Doctor? Lawyer! Seems popular lately.
Lauren Palmer: [while licking ice cream] Race car driver. I just like to go really fast.
-
Lauren Palmer: Daddies don't get lonely. They only marry younger mommies.
Hank Palmer: Well, we'll figure it all out baby.
Lauren Palmer: It happened to Megan. Then it happened to Kaitlyn. I just didn't think it'd happen to me.
Hank Palmer: Me neither.
-
Hank Palmer: Deputy Hanson, you were previously an officer in Detroit?
Dwight Dickham: Objection, the deputy's credentials are not in question.
Hank Palmer: I was gonna say 'welcome to Carlinville'.
[Officer smiles awkwardly]
-
Hank Palmer: Who the fuck is Carla's dad? Please.
Samantha Powell: [Overlapping] Oh, go to the court house; pull her birth certificate.
Hank Palmer: I did. There's no father's name listed.
Samantha Powell: No, there is not. Because Carla's father was never gonna be her father.
-
Lauren Palmer: So, grandpa Palmer's dead too?
Hank Palmer: No, granda Palmer's dead to me. It's like a figure of speech.
Lauren Palmer: It sounds complicated. I should go with you.
Hank Palmer: Trust me, nobody wants to go to Carlinville, Indiana.
The Judge Quotes
Extended Reading
