Mark Bellison: I did a bad thing...

Anna McDoogles: It's okay, you get three!
Anna McDoogles: I was just masturbating.

Mark Bellison: That makes me think of your vagina.
Richard Bellison: [surprised by the homeowner during a burglary] What are you doing here? It's Monday at noon. You're not supposed to be home now!

Man at the Door: If you must know, I'm incredibly stressed at work, I've come home early, I'm having a bit of me-time. More importantly, what are you doing?

Richard Bellison: Well, I was gonna rob your house.

Man at the Door: I don't like that idea. Not a fan of that at all.

Richard Bellison: I'm not gonna do it now, because you're in.

Man at the Door: Do you know what's gonna happen? I'm gonna call the police, you're gonna be arrested.

Richard Bellison: Well, I'm just gonna leave, and you don't know my name.

Man at the Door: What is your name?

Richard Bellison: Richard Bellison.
Anna's Mother: Man In The Sky forbid!
Brad Kessler: We both know that one day you're going to lose your looks.
Anna's Mother: Just because he's talking to the man in the sky doesn't mean he's good enough to be your friend.
Brad Kessler: [to Anna's mom] Ok, you're annoying me. Your voice is shrill. Goodbye.
Mark Bellison: [calling Anna] Hi, this is Mark.

Anna McDoogles: Oh, hi Mark. Didn't you get my email?

Mark Bellison: The one about being not good enough for you?

Anna McDoogles: That's the one.

Mark Bellison: Yeah, got that. Cheers.
Anna McDoogles: You're smart. You're kind. You're the sweetest man I've ever met. You are... You are definitely the most-interesting person I know. And you are fun to be with. And you see the world in a way that nobody else sees the world, and I like the way you see the world. You're my best friend. You make me happier than anyone I've ever known. And I love you.
Anna McDoogles: [with an epiphany] I've finally decided what I want!

Mark Bellison: [expecting the worst] And what is that?

Anna McDoogles: I want short fat kids with snub noses!

Mark Bellison: I'm your man.

[Mark smiles; they kiss]
Bob: Hi, I'm Bob I'm the spokesperson for the Coca-Cola company. I'm here today to ask you to continue buying coke. Sure, it's a drink you've been drinking for years, and if you still enjoy it, I'd like to remind you to buy it again sometime soon. It's basically just brown sugar water, we haven't changed the ingredients much lately, so there's nothing new I can tell you about that. We changed the can around a little bit, though. See, the colors here are different there, and we added a polar bear so the kids like us. Coke is very high in sugar and like any high calorie soda it can lead to obesity in children and adults who don't sustain a very healthy diet. So that's it, it's coke. It's very famous, everyone knows it. I'm Bob, I work for coke, and I'm asking you to not stop buying coke. That's all. It's a bit sweet. Thank you.
Greg: This is the most amazing night of my entire life.

Mark Bellison: Think how amazing if you didn't smell of vomit.
Mark Bellison: If you could make the world the way you wanted it to be, what would you do? If you could change anything, if you could do anything, what's the first thing you'd do?

Richard Bellison: If I could do anything?

Jim the Bartender: Anything at all?

Mark Bellison: Anything at all.

Richard Bellison: I would touch girls' boobs.

Jim the Bartender: Yes.

Richard Bellison: And maybe have sex with them too.

Jim the Bartender: Oh agreed, that too.

Mark Bellison: Okay, let's try that.

[He gets up]

Richard Bellison: Where you going?

Mark Bellison: Out.

[He exists the bar, and looks around. He sees many unattractive women, before a good-looking one walks past. He walks up to her]

Blonde: Don't look at me, I'm not attracted to you.

Mark Bellison: No listen...

Blonde: Don't bother, I've heard it all before.

Mark Bellison: The world's gonna end unless we have sex right now!

Blonde: [She turns around, worried] Do we have time to get to a motel, or do we need to do it right here?

Mark Bellison: Motel.

Blonde: [In the motel] Help me get me dress off.

Mark Bellison: No no, wait wait, let's get to know each-other first.

Blonde: No, we have to have sex! The world is going to end!

Mark Bellison: But I don't even know your name.

Blonde: Think of the children! Think of the little babies!

Mark Bellison: Let's have a drink. You look like a... ten dollars for beer? That is...

Blonde: Don't you understand? We are all going to die!
Anna McDoogles: You're chubby and you have a snub nose.
Martha Bellison: I'm so scared, Mark. People don't talk about it, but death is a horrible thing. One minute, you're alive, and then just like that, it's all gone. This is it, Mark. Few more hours like this and then an eternity of nothingness. I'm so... I'm so frightened.

Mark Bellison: Oh, Mum. Mum, listen to me. Listen carefully. You're wrong about what happens after you die. It's not an eternity of nothingness.

Martha Bellison: Huh?

Mark Bellison: You go to your favourite place in the whole world. Yeah. And everyone you've ever loved and who's ever loved you will be there. And you'll be young again. You'll run and jump like you used to and dance. You used to dance. There's no pain. Just love. Happiness. And everyone gets a mansion. And it lasts for an eternity. An eternity, Mum. Say hello to Dad for me. Tell him I love him.
Brad Kessler: Shelley thinks you're an overweight homosexual.

Shelley: I didn't say that!

Mark Bellison: [relieved] Oh.

Shelley: No, I said you were a fat faggot.

Brad Kessler: [to Shelley] I stand corrected.

Mark Bellison: To think I was upset by "overweight homosexual".

Shelley: A fatty fat faggy fag...

Brad Kessler: [to Mark] Oh, well. It doesn't matter. Because either way you're a dumpy little queer.
[first lines]

Mark Bellison: [narrating] Testing. Testing. Testing over the credits. The credits that no one cares about.

[under his breathe]

Mark Bellison: "Ooh, we're the business people. Ooh, we want our credit before the film starts, 'cause..."

Mark Bellison: Anyway. The story you're about to see takes place in a world where the human race has never evolved the ability to tell a lie. This is a typical town in that world. As you can see, people have jobs and cars and houses and families, but everyone tells the absolute truth. There's no such thing as deceit or flattery or fiction. People say exactly what they think. And sometimes that can come across as a bit harsh. But they've got no choice in the matter. It's their nature.

Man: [on the phone] Look, I'm not coming in to work today. No, I'm not sick. I just hate it there.

Woman: Oh, your baby is so ugly. It's like a little rat.

Woman at Restaurant: [sitting down] Wow! I just took one of the biggest poops of my whole life. What are you ordering?
Mark Bellison: [arriving at nursing home] Martha Bellison, I'm her son.

Receptionist: Ooh, it's good you're here. She's not doing well. You should say your final good byes today.

Mark Bellison: Yeah. Someone says that to me every time I come here.

Receptionist: She's at the top of our death pool.

The Invention of Lying Quotes

Extended Reading

The Invention of Lying short comments

Blaze 2022-04-20 09:01:40

A smart comedy with amazing actors and story. It looked very comfortable. Despite its flaws, who says a comedy has to be deep? All in all, a great comedy!
Adelbert 2022-03-27 09:01:05

The grandest cameo list in comedy is a shame it's not funny