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Buzz: When is a sidewalk fully dressed? When it's Waring Hudsucker!
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Buzz: Say, buddy, who's the most liquid businessman on the street? Waring Hudsucker!
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[Norville Barnes introduces the "extruded plastic dingus" to the board members]
Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 2: Does it have rules?
Board Member 3: Can more than one play?
Board Member 4: What makes you think it's a game?
Board Member 3: Is it a game?
Board Member 5: Will it break?
Board Member 6: It better break eventually!
Board Member 2: Is there an object?
Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 5: Does it come with batteries?
Board Member 4: We could charge extra for them.
Board Member 7: Is it safe for toddlers?
Board Member 3: How can you tell when you're finished?
Board Member 2: How do you make it stop?
Board Member 6: Is that a boy's model?
Board Member 3: Can a parent assemble it?
Board Member 5: Is there a larger model for the obese?
Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 8: What the hell is it?
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Beatnik bartender: Martinis are for squares, man.
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Norville: You know, for kids.
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Amy Archer: Norville Barnes, you don't know a thing about that woman. You don't know who she really is. Only a numbskull thinks he knows things about things he knows nothing about.
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Sidney J. Mussburger: Yeah yeah, sure sure.
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Sidney J. Mussburger: When you're dead, you stay dead. Don't believe me, ask Waring Hudsucker.
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[Norville is putting mail into boxes]
Norville: What do you do if the envelope is too big for the slot?
Ancient Sorter: Well, if you fold 'em, they fire you. I usually throw 'em out.
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[Waring Hudsucker's spirit appears, points to his halo]
Waring Hudsucker: They're all wearing them upstairs. It's a fad.
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Norville: Look who's here. Amy Archer, Prize-itzer Pule winner.
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Amy Archer: Finally there would be a thingamajig that would bring everyone together, even if it kept them apart spatially.
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Mail Room Orienter: You punch in at 8:30 every morning, except you punch in at 7:30 following a business holiday, unless it's a Monday, then you punch in at 8 o'clock. Punch in late and they dock you. Incoming articles get a voucher, outgoing articles provide a voucher. Move any article without a voucher and they dock you. Letter size a green voucher, oversize a yellow voucher, parcel size a maroon voucher. Wrong color voucher and they dock you! 6787049A/6. That is your employee number. It will not be repeated! Without your employee number you cannot get your paycheck. Inter-office mail is code 37, intra-office mail 37-3, outside mail is 3-37. Code it wrong and they dock you! This has been your orientation. Is there anything you do not understand, is there anything you understand only partially? If you have not been fully oriented, you must file a complaint with personnel. File a faulty complaint and they dock you!
[spoken at about 160 words per minute]
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Norville: You're a MUNCIE girl?
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Amy Archer: This is a face only a mother could love. On pay day.
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[having just rammed a broom handle through a clock, thus freezing time. Line spoken to camera]
Moses the Clock Man: Strictly speaking, I'm never supposed to do this. But have you got a better idea?
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[last lines]
Moses the Clock Man: And that's the story of how Norville Barnes climbed waaay up to the forty-fourth floor of the Hudsucker Buildling, and then fell all the way down but didn't quite squish hisself. You know, they say there was a man who jumped from the forty-FIFTH floor? But that's another story...
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Moses the Clock Man: I spects old Moses knows just about everything, leastways if it concerns Hudsucker.
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Amy Archer: I used to think you were a swell guy. Well, to be honest, I thought you were an imbecile. But then I figured out you WERE a swell guy... A little slow, maybe, but a swell guy. Well, maybe you're not so slow, But you're not so swell either. And it looks like you're an imbecile after all!
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Amy Archer: Is this guy from Chumpsville or what? Ha! I even pulled the old mother routine.
Smitty, Argus Reporter: Adenoids.
Amy Archer: Lumbago.
Smitty, Argus Reporter: [whistles] That gag's got whiskers on it!
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Board Member 1: He could have opened the window.
Board Member 2: Waring Hudsucker never did anything the easy way.
Board Member 3: (weeping) Why? Why did he do it? Everything was going so well
Sidney J. Mussburger: What am I, a head shriker. Maybe the man was unhappy?
Board Member 3: He didn't look unhappy.
Board Member 4: He didn't look rich.
Board Member 5: Waring Hudsucker was never an easy man to figure out. He built this company with his bare hands, every step he took was a step up, except of course this last one.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Sure, sure he was a swell fella, but when the president, chairman of the board and owner of 87% of the company stock drops 44 floors...
Board Member 6: 45.
Board Member 7: Counting the mezzanine.
Sidney J. Mussburger: ...then the company too has a problem. What exactly is the disposition of Waring's stock.
Board Member 8: Well as you know, Hud left no will and had no family; the company bylaws are quite clear in that event. His entire portfolio will be converted into common stock and be sold over the counter as of the first of the fiscal year following his demise.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Meaning?
Board Member 8: Well, meaning simply that Waring stock, and control of the company, will be made available to the public January first.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Do you mean to say any slob in a smelly tee-shirt will be able to buy Hudsucker stock?
Board Member 8: The company bylaws are quite clear.
Board Member 3: My God, you're animals. How can you discuss his stock when the man has just leapt 45 floors?
Board Member 6: 44.
Board Member 7: Not counting the mezzanine.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Quit showboating Addison, the man is gone. The question now is whether we're going to let John Q Public just waltz in here and buy our company.
Board Member 4: What are you suggesting Sidney? Certainly we can't afford to buy an controlling interest.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Not while the stock is this strong. How soon before Hud's paper hits the market?
Board Member 8: January 1st.
Board Member 2: 30 days.
Board Member 4: 4 weeks.
Board Member 5: A month at the most!
Sidney J. Mussburger: One month; to make the blue chip investment of the century look like a round trip ticket on the titanic.
Board Member 7: We play up the fact that Hud is dead.
All: Long live Hud!
Board Member 4: We depress the stock,
Board Member 5: To the point where we can buy 50%,
Board Member 6: 51,
Board Member 7: Not counting the mezzanine.
Sidney J. Mussburger: It could work.
Board Member 3: It should work.
Board Member 4: It would work.
Sidney J. Mussburger: It's working already. Waring Hudsucker is abstract art on Madison Avenue. What we need now is a new president who will inspire panic in the stockholder.
Board Member 6: A puppet.
Board Member 5: A proxy.
Board Member 2: A pawn.
Sidney J. Mussburger: Sure, sure. Some jerk we can really push around.
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[Norville is running around the room with his foot stuck in a trash can, which is on fire]
Sidney J. Mussburger: Get out!
[Norville opens a window and tries to throw out burning items from the trash can]
Sidney J. Mussburger: Not that way! The door!
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[addressing his troops]
Chief Editor Manhattan Argus: The Einstein of Enterprise. The Edison of Industry. The Billion Dollar Cranium. Idea Man. And not one of you mugs has given me a story on him! Bunch of lame-brained... Facts, figures, charts! They never sold a newspaper! I read this morning's edition of the Argus and let me tell you something: I'd wrap a fish in it! I'd use it as kindling! Hell, I'd even train my poodle on it if he wasn't a French poodle and more partial to the pages of Paris Soir, but I sure wouldn't shell out a hard-earned nickel to read the dadblamed thing!
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[singing the Muncie school fight song]
Norville, Amy Archer: Fight on, fight on, dear old Muncie/Fight on, hoist the gold and blue/You'll be tattered, torn, and hurtin'/Once the Munce is done with you/Go... Eagles!
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Sidney J. Mussburger: [Referring to Norville] The barred-window boys are out looking for him now. We'll see how Wall Street likes the news that the president of Hudsucker is heading for the booby hatch. Huh! When Doc Bromfenbrenner gets through with him, he'll need diapers and a dribble cup!
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[first lines]
Moses the Clock Man: That's right. New York. Nineteen fifty eight.
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Norville: I just got hired today.
Ancient Sorter: Hmm-mmm.
Norville: You know, entry level.
Ancient Sorter: Tell me about it.
Norville: But I got big ideas.
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Mail Room Boss: [to Norville] You! Yeah, you, Barnes! You don't look busy. Think you can handle a blue letter. This letter was sent down this morning by the big man himself.
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Norville: [to Sidney] Sir, my leg is on fire!
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Sidney J. Mussburger: [Norville] Sit down, son. Go ahead. Try it on. Put your feet up. Go ahead. Let's get to know one another, shall we? Let's chat man to man. Now then, you're from the basement aren't you, and not blessed with much education?
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Norville: Cigarette?
Amy Archer: No, thank you.
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Norville: Yes siree... This is my ticket up upstairs.
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Amy Archer: The guy's a real moron.
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Norville: [to Amy] Now let me ask you a question: Would an imbecile come up with this?
[shows Amy a picture of a circle]
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Norville: [to Amy] Say Amy, how about you and I grab a little dinner and a show after work. i was thinking maybe 'The King And I'.
[Amy slaps him]
Norville: How about 'Oklahoma'?
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Norville: It's fun, it's healthy, it's good exercise. The kids will just love it. and we put a little sand inside to make the experience more pleasant.
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President Eisenhower: Hello, Norville, this is the president. I just wanted to congratulate you. I'm very proud of you, Mrs. Eisenhower is very proud of you, the American people are very proud of you.
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Reporter: Did you have any idea it would be such a huge response?
Norville: Well frankly, I don't think anybody expected this much hoopla.
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Reporter: Did they consider you an idea man when they promoted you from the mailroom?
Norville: Well I guess so. I don't think they promoted me because i'm a shmo.
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Board Member: I'm getting off this merry-go-round!
[In the same manner as Hudsucker, he mounts the boardroom table, runs toward the end, jumps... and smacks into the unbreakable window]
Sidney J. Mussburger: Plexiglas. Had it installed last week.
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Amy Archer: I've been watching you Norville Barnes, even though you're trying to avoid me.
Norville: Amy, you don't...
Amy Archer: Shut up! And don't think I hadn't noticed how you'd changed.
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Amy Archer: [to Norville] Shut up! After all, you haven't talked to me for a week and now I'm going to say my piece. Look, I've never been dumped by a fellow before, and that hurts. But what really hurts is watching you uproot your soul, chasing after money and ease of the respect of a board who wouldn't give you the time of day if you, if you, if you...
Man: Work in a watch factory.
Amy Archer: Shut up! Exactly!
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Buzz: [to Norville] Please Sir, this job, running the elevator is all I got.
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Chief Editor Manhattan Argus: Yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass a-hoppin'.
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Norville: A smooth talking heel.
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Ancient Puzzler: What's a six letter word for a condition of the hypothalamus?
Amy Archer: "Goiter."
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Sidney J. Mussburger: [picking up the late Waring Hudsucker's freshly-lit cigar] It's a pity to waste a whole Montecristo.
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Buzz: Hi! My name's Buzz, I got the fuzz, I make the elevator do what she does.
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Amy Archer: You told me you were going to bring a smile to the HIPS of everyone in America.
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Buzz: What's your pleasure, buddy?
Norville: Forty-four.
Buzz: Forty-four! Top brass floor... Say, buddy, what takes fifty years to get up to the top floor, and thirty seconds to get down? Waring Hudsucker! Ya get it, buddy? Say, buddy...
[elevator doors open, people enter]
Buzz: Mr. Klein up to nine, Mrs. Dell, Personnel, Mr. Levin, thirty-seven.
Mr. Levin: [correcting him] Thirty-six.
Buzz: WALK DOWN!
Buzz: [a heavyset man approaches the elevator] Ladies and gentlemen, please step to the rear. Here comes the gargantuan Mr. Grier.
Mr. Grier: Buzz.
Buzz: Say, buddy! Who is the most liquid businessman on the street? Waring Hudsucker! Say, buddy, when is the sidewalk fully dressed? When it's Waring Hudsucker!
[laughs, but no one else does]
Buzz: Ya get it, buddy? It's a pun, it's knee slapper, it's a play on Jesus, Joseph and Mary... is that a blue letter? Cripes-amighty, why didn't ya tell a guy? Hold on, folks, we're express to the top floor!
The Hudsucker Proxy Quotes
Extended Reading
