The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Quotes

Marvin: I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.

Trillian: Well, we have something that may take your mind off it.

Marvin: It won't work, I have an exceptionally large mind.

Trillian: Yeah, we know.

Trillian: Let's go somewhere.

Arthur: Where did you have in mind?

Trillian: Madagascar.

Arthur: That new club on Dean Street?

Trillian: No, it's a country. Off the coast of Africa.

Arthur: All my life I've had this strange feeling that there's something big and sinister going on in the world.

Slartibartfast: No, that's perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that.

Ford: [after being thrown into the airlock by a guard] Wash your filthy hands!

[looks around]

Ford: Don't panic... don't panic...

Arthur: So this is it. We're gonna die.

Ford: Yeah. We're gonna die.

[pauses]

Ford: No... no! What's this?

[goes over to control panel]

Arthur: What's that?

Ford: What's this...? What's this...?

[flips switch]

Ford: This... is... nothing. Yeah, we're gonna die.

Slartibartfast: I must warn you, we're going to pass through, well, a sort of gateway thing.

Arthur Dent: What?

Slartibartfast: It may disturb you. It scares the willies out of me.

Arthur Dent: Just wait a sodding minute! You want a question that goes with the answer for 42? Well, how about what's six times seven? Or how many Vogons does it take to change a lightbulb? Here's one! How many roads must a man walk down?

Lunkwill: Hey, that's not bad!

Arthur Dent: Fine. Fine, take it. Because my head is filled with questions and I can assure you no answer to any one of them has ever brought me one iota of happiness. Except for one. The one. The only question I've ever wanted an answer to - is she the one? The answer bloody well isn't forty-two, it's yes. Undoubtedly, unequivocally, unabashedly yes. And for one week, one week in my sad little blip of an existence, it made me happy.

Trillian: That's a good answer...

Lunkwill: Rubbish, we don't want to be happy, we want to be famous!

Fook: Yeah! What is all this "is she the one" tripe?

Lunkwill: Take his brain!

The Book: It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a sperm whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet. And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought, as it fell:

The Whale: Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay, calm down calm down get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? Its a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Lets call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello, Ground!

[Cuts to a distant view as the whale hits the ground and spews up a large mushroom cloud of snow]

The Book: Curiously, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, "Oh no, not again!" Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly *why* the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.

Zaphod: Why'd you pick up hitchhikers?

Trillian: I didn't. The ship did.

Trillian: You idiot! You signed the order to destroy Earth!

Zaphod: I did?

Arthur: He did?

Trillian: Love and kisses Zaphod? You didn't even read it, did you?

Zaphod: Well, I'm president, I don't have a lot of time for reading.

Trillian: My whole planet destroyed because you thought someone wanted your autograph!

Arthur: Let's go somewhere.

Trillian: Definitely. Where'd you have in mind?

Ford: I know this great restaurant at the end of the universe.

Arthur Dent: I'm sorry, did you just say you needed my brain?

Fook: Yes, to complete the program.

Arthur Dent: Well, you can't have it, I'm using it!

Fook: Hardly.

Arthur Dent: Cheeky mouse...

Mr. Prosser: Do you know how much damage this bulldozer would sustain if I just let it roll over you?

Arthur: How much?

Mr. Prosser: None at all.

Ford: You're looking for the Ultimate Question.

Zaphod: Yep.

Ford: You.

Zaphod: Me.

Ford: Why?

Zaphod: No, I tried that: Why? 42. Doesn't work.

[Waiting for Trillian to be released]

Zaphod: Who are we waiting for again?

[Waits for a reply]

Zaphod: No, I'm serious.

Slartibartfast: [talking about the Earth] Best laid plans of mice.

Arthur: And men.

Slartibartfast: What?

Arthur: Best laid plans of mice and men.

Slartibartfast: Oh. No, I don't think men had much to do with it.

Arthur: [Trillian has been captured by Vogons]

[bursts into a random Vogon building with Marvin's arm, hoping they think it's a gun]

Arthur: All right! Where is she!

[sees he's in a waiting room]

Vogon Secretary: Who? The Director of Robot Arm Repair?

Trillian: Who are you?

Arthur: Er, Dent, Arthur Dent.

Trillian: No, I mean *who* are you?

Arthur: Oh, the costume. Er, Livingston I presume. Yeah. Not as good as Darwin I know but the best I could manage at short notice.

Trillian: You're the first person whose gotten that right. Everyone keeps calling me Santa.

Arthur: Really?

Trillian: Yeah, and I thought the beagle made it a dead giveaway.

Arthur: Well, I suppose most of the people who come to these parties are idiots.

Trillian: What?

[the record player is bumped, the music stops]

Arthur: I said all these people are idiots!

[everyone stares at him]

Arthur: Oh god...

Humma Kavula, Congregation: [singing] Oh mighty Arkleseizure, thou gazed from high above. And sneezed from out thy nostrils, a gift of bounteous love. The universe around us emerged from thy nose. Now we await with eager expectation, thy handkerchief, to bring us back to thee.

[End singing]

Zaphod: Hello Humma.

Humma Kavula: Let us pray. Oh mighty one, we raise our noses to you blocked and unblown, send the handkerchief O blessed one that we may be wiped clean.

[Everyone in the congregation sneezes simultaneously]

Humma Kavula: Bless you.

Slartibartfast: You must come with me.

Arthur Dent: Who are you?

Slartibartfast: What? No. My name's not important. You must come with me, or you'll be late.

Arthur Dent: Late for what?

Slartibartfast: Well, um, what's your name, Earthman?

Arthur Dent: Dent. Arthur Dent.

Slartibartfast: Well, late as in *the late* Dentarthurdent. It's a sort of threat. You see?

Arthur Dent: No.

Slartibartfast: Your friends are safe, you can trust me.

Arthur Dent: Trust a man who won't even tell me his name?

Slartibartfast: Well, um, my name is, um, it's

[hurriedly]

Slartibartfast: Slartibartfast.

Arthur Dent: What?

Slartibartfast: I *said* it wasn't important.

[first lines]

The Book: It's an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, Man had always assumed that he was the most intelligent species occupying the planet, instead of the *third* most intelligent. The second most intelligent creatures were of course dolphins who, curiously enough, had long known of the impending destruction of the planet earth. They had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger, but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for titbits. So they eventually decided they would leave earth by their own means. The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the star-spangled banner, but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.

[to Arthur, shortly after they first meet]

Trillian: I want to go somewhere I've never been, and I'd like to go with you.

Arthur: Ford?

Ford: Yeah?

Arthur: I think I'm a sofa...

Ford: [pause] I know how you feel...

Marvin: You can blame the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation for making androids with GPP...

Arthur: Um... what's GPP?

Marvin: [despondently] Genuine People Personalities. I'm a personality prototype. You can tell, can't you...?

Arthur Dent: It's a big-biggy Ford, a big-biggy! I mean what if it rips us all into tiny little atomic particle things?

Zaphod: This is the right one! I have a hunch!

Ford: [smiling] His hunches are good! Arthur! I say we go!

Arthur Dent: Go with a hunch of a man who's brain is fueled by lemons?

[Slartibartfast is showing Arthur the progress on the New Earth. They pass a construction worker]

Slartibartfast: That's Frank.

Trillian: I have a plan.

Arthur: Does it involve pushing him out there and then running the other way?

Arthur: [sarcastically] Normality? Right, we can talk about normality until the cows come home.

Ford: [thoughtfully] What is normal?

Trillian: [wistfully] What is home?

Zaphod: [cluelessly] What're cows?

[Arthur and Ford have each been unexpectedly hit in the face by some unknown flyswatter-like thing]

Zaphod: [after finally also being hit in the face] Zarquon! What was that? Geez...

Marvin: [depressed] I'd make a suggestion, but you wouldn't listen.

[even more depressed]

Marvin: No one ever does.

Marvin: [as Vogons fire at the group] Don't see what the big deal is... Vogons are some of the worst shots in the galaxy...

Marvin: [one hits Marvin, leaving a smoking hole in his head. he turns] Now I've got a headache!

[deleted scene]

Questular Rontok: [runs to the demolished caravan to find Zaphod unconcious inside] Mr President! Oh, thank god. I tried to prevent all this from happening, but forces beyond my control made it impossible for me to stop them. And even stronger forces are making it impossible for me to stop doing this right now!

[kisses Zaphod, waking him up]

Zaphod: [throws Questular off him] Zarquon, woman! Are you insane? You're my vice-president! In the name of liberty, and freedom, and people, and... stuff... let's do that again!

[they kiss passionately]

Eddie the Computer: Guys, I am just pleased as punch to inform you that there are two thermo-nuclear missiles headed this way... if you don't mind, I'm gonna go ahead and take evasive action

Arthur Dent: COMPUTER DO SOMETHING!

Eddie the Computer: Sure thing fella! Switching over to manual control... good luck!

[Ship's engines immediately stop and ship falls]

Marvin: I've been talking to the main computer.

Arthur: And?

Marvin: It hates me.

Ford: You don't remember. Arthur, your whole planet has been destroyed.

Arthur: Couldn't you have done something?

Ford: I saved your life.

Arthur: I have to say, without the beard you look at least 80 years younger.

Trillian: Well, maybe I'm de-evolving?

Arthur: Ha ha!

Trillian: Ha ha!

Arthur: Well, I should inform you that I don't date single-celled organisms.

Marvin: [sees Arthur, now a yarn doll, stumbling about] Ah! I think the Earth man's about to be sick.

Zaphod: Whoa, whoa, do it in the trash can, ape man! This ship's brand new!

Arthur: [vomits coloured yarn]

[last lines]

Marvin: Not that anyone cares what I say, but the restaurant is at the *other* end of the Universe.

Trillian: Marvin... you saved our lives!

Marvin: I know. Wretched, isn't it?

Arthur: So this is it. We're going to die

Ford: Yes. Would you like a hug?

Arthur: No.

Barman: Did you say the world is coming to an end? Shouldn't we all lie on the floor or put paper bags over our heads?

Ford: If you like.

Barman: Will it help?

Ford: Not at all.

[Ford runs out of the pub]

Barman: Last orders, please!

Lunkwill: Do you...

Deep Thought: Have an answer for you? Yes. But you're not going to like it.

Fook: Please tell us. We must know!

Deep Thought: Okay. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is...

[wild cheers from audience, then silence]

Deep Thought: 42.

[Marvin, Trillian, Ford, Arthur and Zaphod are being fired upon by Vogons - the others flee as Marvin only very slowly walks away]

Marvin: I don't know what you're all worried about. Vogons are the worst marksmen in the galaxy.

[he is shot in the back of the head]

Marvin: Now I've got a headache.

Zaphod: I'm sensing a lot of hostility from you, Alex.

Arthur: Arthur!

Zaphod: Have you ever tried yoga?

Marvin: [Trillian, Ford, and Zaphod have gone through the portal and left Arthur and Marvin behind] I told you this would all end in tears.

Arthur: Did you? Did you?

Zaphod: Hey! Is this guy boring you? Why don't you come talk to me instead? I'm from a different planet. Seriously!

[laughs]

Zaphod: You want to see my spaceship?

Ford: We must talk.

Arthur Dent: Not now, Ford. They're gonna demolish my home.

Ford: Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! You know already?

[Arthur doesn't understand. Ford looks at the workers around him]

Ford: Oh, *they*! When you say "they" you mean *they*!

Ford: Didn't you think it was strange I was trying to shake hands with a car?

Arthur: I assumed you were drunk.

Ford: I thought cars were the dominant lifeform. I was trying to introduce myself.

Trillian: I have the president and I will kill him, I swear I will.

Jeltz: Could that actually kill him?

Questular Rontok: I don't think so. It's an aerosol can.

Ford: [talking about Zaphod] He's my semi half brother.

Zaphod: He shares three of the same mothers as me.

Zaphod: Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax.

Trillian: Why so edgy? You wanna know why I'm edgy?

[fires Point-Of View gun at Zaphod]

Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] Of course you're edgy. Your planet's been blown up and you've been tooling round the galaxy with the guy who signed the order. You actually wanted to know the question because you always wondered if there was more to life and now you're crushed because you find out there really isn't.

Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] Hey, fantastic. Psychedelic.

Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] You have no home and no family and now you're stuck with me, another in a long line of men who doesn't really get you.

Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] That's not true.

Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] And you're worried that you might have blown it with the one guy who really does.

Zaphod: Oh, baby doll. Give me that thing.

[takes Point-Of-View gun off Trillian and aims it at her]

Trillian: It won't affect me. I'm already a woman.

Ford: What's with the whole two-head thing?

Zaphod: Oh, yeah, apparently you can't be president with a whole brain.

Slartibartfast: Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day.

Arthur Dent: And are you?

Slartibartfast: Ah, no.

[laughs, snorts]

Slartibartfast: Well, that's where it all falls down, of course.

Zaphod: This is it. I have a hunch.

Ford: His hunches are good.

Lunkwill: Drink up.

Arthur: Thank you.

Fook: Now, to business.

Ford, Zaphod: [drunkenly toasting] To business!

Lunkwill, Fook: Eat!

Zaphod: [quietly] Sorry.

Trillian: We don't know why we're here. We were trying to get to Magrathea and our ship brought us here.

Humma Kavula: How very... improbable.

Zaphod: Oh Deep Thought! We have travelled long... and far. Have you calculated the ultimate question?

Deep Thought: [yawns] No. I've been watching the TV.

Zaphod: He's a guest on my ship! He's a guest on my shiiiip!

Ford: I thought you said you stole it.

Ford: [watching the Magrathean recording of Deep Thought] Is that it?

Zaphod: No, there's more. They go back.

Arthur: What, seven and a half million years later?

Zaphod: Yeah, they do.

[Cuts to 7.5 million years later and the answer being received]

Zaphod: Hey. Sorry to hear about your planet. What was it called again?

Arthur: Earth.

Zaphod: Yeah, Earth. I liked Earth. I got these boots on Earth. Anyway, don't tell the girl, OK? Cause if you do, I'll pull your spleen out through your throat.

Trillian: How badly does it hurt?

Arthur: It doesn't feel great.

Ford: Okay, don't think. Nobody think. No ideas. No theories. No nothing.

[a beat. They all strain to think of nothing. Several paddles shoot up out of the ground smacking them in their faces]

Ford, Arthur, Zaphod: Ow!

Arthur: I think that door just sighed.

Marvin: Ghastly, isn't it? All the doors on this spaceship have been programmed to have a cheery and sunny disposition.

Zaphod: He did say the gray building, right?

Ford: All the buildings are gray.

Zaphod: [everything appears to be made of yarn] WOW! Is this gonna happen every time we hit that button?

Trillian: Very probably, yes.

Marvin: I have a million ideas, but, they all point to certain death.

Arthur: Thanks very much, Marv!

Eddie the Computer: Engaging Infinite Improbability Drive...

Ford: No, no, no... Zaphod, buttons aren't toys! What did you do?

Jeltz: Either die in the vacuum of space, or tell me what you thought of my poem.

[other Vogons chuckle]

Arthur: A... a... actually, I rather liked it.

Jeltz: Hmm?

Ford: Yeah. That's good. Run with it.

Jeltz: Hmmm?

Arthur: Uh, some of the words I didn't understand, but I found the imagery quite effective.

Jeltz: Continue...

Arthur: Well, uh, yes, interesting rhythmic devices, which seemed to counterpoint the underlying metaphor of the humanity of, of the poet's soul.

Jeltz: So what you're saying is, I write poetry because underneath this mean, callous, heartless exterior, I just want to be loved?

Ford: [whispers] Yes, yes, yes.

Arthur: Yes, yes, yeah, please.

[other Vogons ooh-ing and aah-ing]

Jeltz: Throw them off the ship!

Humma Kavula: Zaphod Beeblebrox, our infamous President. What brings you to our humble planet?

Zaphod: Oh, I think you know why I'm here.

Humma Kavula: No, I don't think I do.

Zaphod: I think you think you don't. But we both know, you do.

Humma Kavula: Eloquent as always. Your ability to articulate never ceases to amaze.

Zaphod: Have you calculated the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything?

Deep Thought: No. I've been watching TV. I built another computer to do that.

Zaphod: Oh, right, I forgot. Is it here?

Deep Thought: No, it's not here. It's another world.

Zaphod: It's on another world...

Deep Thought: It *is* another world, stupid. Or it was until the Vogons destroyed it for a hyperspace expressway.

Zaphod: Well, Okay. You sure you don't have the question, or a way to, you know, access it or something? 'Cause I think I've done a lot to get here.

Deep Thought: [TV lights up again] Oh, shh, shh. The show's back on.

Zaphod: Well, I don't wanna bother you, so I'm gonna... Good stuff. Great.

[backing away]

Zaphod: I'm gonna go and find something else for my entire life to be about.

Slartibartfast: Earthman, you must realize that the planet you lived on was commissioned, paid for and run by mice.

Arthur: When you say mice, do you mean the little furry white creatures with whiskers, ears, cheese?

Slartibartfast: Yeah, but they're protrusions into our dimension of hyper-intelligent beings. I don't know this cheese of which you speak, but they were there on Earth as mice experimenting on you.

Arthur: I see where you've become confused now. You see, *we* were experimenting on *them*.

Slartibartfast: Ah, no, well, yeah, no. That's what they wanted you to think, but you were actually elements in their computer program.

Arthur: Actually, this explains a lot. All my life I've had this strange feeling there's something big and sinister going on in the world.

Slartibartfast: No, that's normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that.

[last lines]

Narrator: It is, of course, well known that careless talk costs lives. But the full scale of the problem is not always appreciated. For instance, at the very moment that Arthur Dent said, "I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel, " a freak wormhole opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum and carried his words far, far back in time, across almost infinite reaches of space, to a distant galaxy where strange and warlike beings were poised on the brink of frightful interstellar battle. The two opposing leaders, resplendent in their black-jewelled battle shorts were meeting for the last time, when a dreadful silence fell. And at that very moment, the words "I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel" drifted across the conference table. Unfortunately, in their native tongue, this was the most appalling insult imaginable. So the opposing battle fleets decided to settle their remaining differences, in order to launch a joint attack on our galaxy, now positively identified as the source of the offending remark. For thousands of years, the mighty starships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming onto the planet Earth, where, due to a terrible miscalculation of scale, the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog. Those who study the complex interplay of cause and effect in the history of the universe say that this sort of thing is going on all the time.