The Heartbreak Kid Quotes

Eddie Cantrow: This is my dad.

Lila: Oh, hi Dad.

Doc: Nice to meet you, Lila.

Lila: How do you know my name?

Doc: Okay, cat's out of the bag. My son found your panties on the sidewalk and we've been talking about you all week. Eddie, give her back her undies.

Doc: So, what's new Eddie? Anything exciting?

Eddie Cantrow: Ah, yeah, we just got those new Nike Sasquatch drivers in the store, so that's been kind of cool.

Doc: Let me rephrase the question. You been crushin' any pussy?

[last lines]

Eddie Cantrow: Fuck me.

Lila: I wouldn't change a darn thing because it made me who I am today, and do you know who I am today?

Eddie Cantrow: Who are you.

Lila: I'm Mrs. Edmond Cantrow.

Eddie Cantrow: Edward.

Lila: Edward? You didn't tell me that!

Eddie Cantrow: Oh, excuse me.

Flamboyant Man: Yeah.

Eddie Cantrow: Hey, are you running this whole thing?

Flamboyant Man: Oh. Sure. Walk up to the first homo you see and assume he's the wedding coordinator, right? Nice.

Eddie Cantrow: No, no. I didn't - I didn't mean that.

Flamboyant Man: Nice stereotype, buddy. Nice.

[the obviously gay wedding coordinator walks up to them]

Wedding Coordinator: [in a sing-song voice] Did I hear someone say "wedding coordinator"? That would be *moi*!

[simpering]

Wedding Coordinator: How can I help you?

[after a pause, the flamboyant man simply walks away]

10 Year Old Girl: Are you like a widow or something?

Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, I'm a widow. Yeah.

10 Year Old Girl: Sorry.

12 Year Old Twin: He's full of it. He's gay.

Eddie Cantrow: No. I'm not gay.

12 Year Old Twin: Let's play 5 in 5 then.

Eddie Cantrow: What is that?

12 Year Old Twin: It's where I ask you 5 questions in 5 seconds. If you're telling the truth, then you shouldn't have to think.

Eddie Cantrow: [shrugs] Yeah, I don't wanna play your game, sorry.

12 Year Old Twin: Quick - how'd your wife die?

Eddie Cantrow: Murdered.

12 Year Old Twin: How?

Eddie Cantrow: Icepick.

12 Year Old Twin: They get the guy?

Eddie Cantrow: Yeah.

12 Year Old Twin: What was his name?

Eddie Cantrow: Ronald.

12 Year Old Twin: Brad Pitt. Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?

Eddie Cantrow: Brad Pitt.

12 Year Old Twin, 12 Year Old Twin: [point and laugh victoriously]

Eddie Cantrow: No no, no, I thought you meant who's hotter career-wise...

Eddie Cantrow: Hey, Martin!

Martin: Hello, asshole.

Eddie Cantrow: Great to see you too!

Eddie Cantrow: You're in debt? What kind of debt?

Lila: You know, the kind where you owe a lot of money to people.

Eddie Cantrow: I love sports. In fact, I even lost my virginity on a baseball diamond.

Buzz: Oh, you're too much. Really?

Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, yeah. A couple of the older kids pushed me down and -

[growls]

Eddie Cantrow: [everyone stops laughing]

Eddie Cantrow: It was not pretty.

[pause]

Gayla: Did you file charges?

Eddie Cantrow: No, I...

Miranda: He was making a joke, Gayla.

Deborah: About anal rape...?

Eddie Cantrow: [about Lila] She doesn't have a great sense of humor.

Doc: Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she's a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...

Mac: Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she's great, I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out.

Eddie Cantrow: Hey, uh, do you think you could tell me where I could find Uncle Tito?

Tito: Yes. Uh, may I ask who's inquiring?

Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow and I'm a friend of a friend of his. I'm supposed to give him something.

Tito: I'm sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He's actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I'm not speaking about the kind of rooster.

Eddie Cantrow: Oh.

Tito: Screw off! I'm joking, man! C'mon! I am Uncle Tito.

[repeated line]

Tito: Screw off! I'm joking, man!

Tito: Eddie, What are you doing?

Eddie Cantrow: I'm just hanging with my brother, My brother Manuel.

Tito: Eddie, People are looking for you ah! Your father keeps calling, And The Mac is trying to track you down. And what I supposed to tell the American girl... The... Miranda? What do I tell her?

Eddie Cantrow: Miranda?

Tito: Yes, Her family flew home, But she didn't! And she's been everywhere searching for you!

Eddie Cantrow: [With a smile] She Has?

Tito: [laughing] Screw off! I'm joking man! That chick run for the hills! You should seen your face! You were so happy for a moment, You were like ha! I can't believe I got you again!

Eddie: I think there's been a mistake, 'cuz I'm at table 34, but that's the kids table.

Wedding Coordinator: Oh, oh, that's not the kids table, that's the singles table. Enjoy...

Eddie Cantrow: Hey. Listen, Tito, I need you to do me a big, big favor.

Tito: 300 pesos.

Eddie Cantrow: You don't even know what it is yet.

Tito: It is something nasty, or you would be doing it yourself.

Eddie Cantrow: All right, fine.