The Hangover Part III Quotes

[from trailer]

[back in Vegas]

Stu: I told myself, I would never come back.

Phil: Don't worry, it all ends tonight...

[from trailer]

Alan: My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe! Oh, my life is perfect!

[causes a car crash]

[from trailer]

Mr. Chow: So long, bitches!

[goes on a paraglider]

Mr. Chow: I believe I can fly... I love cocaine!

Alan: When we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt.

Mr. Chow: Yeah, that's the point! It's funny!

[the Wolf Pack is in a fight with cockerels]

Mr. Chow: Hold still, I'm trying to help!

[fires a gun wildly]

Stu: Are you out of your mind?

[first lines]

Chief Prison Guard: Chow!

[last lines]

Alan: I'm ready.

Alan: Leslie, get down from there! Please, you're gonna hurt yourself!

Mr. Chow: Nothing hurts Chow. I am invisible!

Phil: It's invincible, and you're not, you're just out of your fucking mind!

[the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite]

Stu: [sees he has implants] I have boobies now!

Cassie: [laughs] Oh my God...

Phil: [laughs] Holy shit!

Stu: It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?

Alan: The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...

[Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword]

Mr. Chow: [laughs] We had a sick night, bitches!

[the monkey jumps back on Stu]

Phil: Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.

Alan: Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.

Phil: Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.

Stu: No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.

Alan: Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.

Mr. Chow: Who sent you?

Phil: No one! No. We just wanted to see you!

Mr. Chow: Liar! No one wants to see Chow!

Phil: What the fuck is wrong with those chickens?

Mr. Chow: They're angry. All I feed them is cocaine. And chicken.

Stu: We're not gonna kill the dogs, Chow. This will knock them out for hours.

Mr. Chow: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you worked for PETA. What a pussy.

Alan: Nothing worse than losing your phone.

Stu: You just saw a man get murdered. Your brother-in-law is kidnapped. You sure there's nothing worse?

Stu: Do you even know how to get home?

Alan: Of course I do. I'm a grown man. I'll ask a stranger.

Phil: Hey, what's your password?

Alan: Hey Phil?

Phil: Yeah?

Alan: No, that's it.

Phil: What?

Alan: That's my password. Hey Phil.

Phil: [Struggling to climb down a rope off the roof of Caesar's Palace] Agh. I'm okay.

Alan: Hey, Phil!

Phil: What's wrong?

Alan: Hold on a second.

[Gets out phone to take a picture]

Alan: Kick yourself out a little bit.

Phil: Alan...

Alan: Stay still!

Phil: Alan!... Did you get it?

[Marshall brings Stu, Phil, and Alan to his villa]

Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break into his old house, you broke into MY house.

Phil: I don't understand.

Marshall: You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't.

Stu: Oh, my GOD!

Phil: You mean the half he never had?

Marshall: He's a world-class rat, and you 3 were his accomplices.

Stu: We had no idea!

Phil: We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy!

Marshall: [sarcastically] Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And THANK YOU FOR KILLING MY FUCKING DOGS!

Stu: We didn't kill your dogs! They're just tranquilized.

Marshall: Oh, right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.

Stu: What?

Black Doug: And somebody's gotta pay.

Marshall: He's right.

[points his gun at the Dougs]

Doug: No no no no, NO!

[Marshall shoots Black Doug and his body splashes into the pool]

Marshall: My head of security, couldn't stop 3 fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.

Marshall: Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.

Phil: But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!

Marshall: Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.

Alan: Can you take Stu instead?

Stu: Fuck you, Alan!

Sid: [on the phone] Yes, sir. Absolutely, I will. Thank you so much. No, of course. No no and again, I'm so sorry.

[hangs up the phone and sits down with Alan]

Sid: That was the mayor, Alan.

Alan: It was an accident.

[pause]

Alan: You'd said you'd always love me no matter what I did.

Sid: I know and I do. You're my best friend, but Alan, why would you buy a giraffe?

Alan: I always wanted one. I can feed him from my treehouse. Besides, they remind me a lot of myself.

Sid: In what way?

Alan: They're majestic, pensive, and tall.

Sid: Pensive.

Alan: Yeah!

Sid: Where'd you learn that word?

Alan: Words with Friends.

Sid: What friends, Alan?

Alan: You can set it on random.

Sid: [sighs] Alan, aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't wanna know the cheques I had to write to fix this.

Alan: Oh please, we're rich!

Sid: We are not anything, Alan. I am well-off. You are my 40-year-old son...

Alan: I'M 42!

Sid: 40...

Alan: I'M 42!

Sid: 42-year-old son who still lives at home. You are to go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off.

Alan: You're bluffing. When's dinner?

Sid: Your mother and I can't take this any more!

Alan: Oh, you might have to.

Sid: I can't do it! I cannot do this!

[Alan puts on Dre Beats, listening to "My Life" by Billy Joel, as his father has a heart and his mother and nanny panics]

Linda: ALAN! ALAN!

Stu: This is so much harder than you realise, Phil. I'm just a dentist!

Phil: No, Stu, you're a fucking doctor. Now go get him!

Marshall: [about Chow] He fucked me in the ass!

Alan: Oh, he does that from time to time.

Marshall: Not literally.

[to Phil, about Alan]

Stu: That place in Arizona's not going to help him. There is no facility that can fix this guy. We're going to spend the rest of our lives dealing with him, because we're all he has now. You realize that? We're it!

Tyler: Are you my real dad?

Alan: [after a long pause] Yes.

Stu: You just saw a man get murdered, your brother in law is kidnapped. Are you sure there is nothing worse?

Alan: You don't get it Stu. You just don't get it do you? I have over 60 apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you know how much time and man hours it would take to redownload those apps?

Stu: [Sarcastically] You are right. I didn't think about that, thank you.

Sid: [Sid throws down the phone] That was the Mayor, Alan.

Alan: It was an accident. You said you love me no matter what I did.

Sid: I know and I do. You're my best friend but Alan why would you buy a giraffe?

Alan: I always wanted one! Could feed him from my tree house. Besides they remind me a lot of myself.

Sid: In what way?

Alan: They're majestic. Pensive and tall.

Sid: Pensive?

Alan: Yeah!

Sid: Where did you learn that word?

Alan: Rhymes with friends.

Sid: What friends Alan?

Alan: You can say it on random.

Sid: Alan aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't want to know the checks I had to write to fix this!

Alan: Oh please! We're rich!

Sid: We're not anything Alan! I am well off! You are my 40 year old son...

Alan: 42!

Sid: ...42 year old son who still lives at home! You either go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off!

Alan: You're bluffing. When 's dinner?

Sid: You're mother and I can't take it anymore!

Alan: I almost died Phil!

Phil: Come on! I was not going to let you go you're my boy!

Alan: And you're my man!

Phil: [to Alan while driving the Wolf Pack to Arizona] You know I meant to tell you earlier. That's a very cool vest you got on.

Alan: Thanks Phil it was my Dad's. He died in it.

Stu: Whoa! That's intense!

Phil: I was just talking to Cassie. She's an amazing woman.

Alan: Oh, thank you for saying that. She is an amazing woman. I find her much better than your wives.

Alan: She's my soulmate and my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me.

Phil: Oh my God.

Doug: Uh, Alan, maybe never say that part again.

Alan: Chillax, Doug. We're all adults here. I know you mount my sister. I've seen it. Many times.

Phil: No that's perfect, that's like a three hour drive from here.

Alan: Yeah Stu, try reading a map.

Stu: Yeah Alan, try reading... anything... ever.

Alan: Yeah Stu, try having not such big horse teeth.