The Graduate Quotes

[Offering Mrs. Robinson a coat hanger]

Benjamin: Wood?

Mrs. Robinson: What?

Benjamin: Wood or wire? They have both.

Room Clerk: Are you here for an affair, sir?

Benjamin: What?

Room Clerk: The Singleman party, sir?

Benjamin: Ah, yes, the Singleman party.

Mr. McGuire: [behind Benjamin] Ben.

Benjamin: [to Joanne] Excuse me.

[turns]

Benjamin: Mr. McGuire.

Mr. McGuire: Ben.

Benjamin: Mr. McGuire.

Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin.

Benjamin: Yes?

Mrs. Robinson: Isn't there something you want to tell me?

Benjamin: Tell you?

Mrs. Robinson: Yes.

Benjamin: Well, I want you to know how much I appreciate this. Really.

Mrs. Robinson: The number.

Benjamin: What?

Mrs. Robinson: The room number, Benjamin. I think you ought to tell me that.

Benjamin: Oh, you're absolutely right. It's 568.

Mrs. Robinson: Thank you.

Benjamin: You're welcome. Well... I'll see you later, Mrs. Robinson.

Mr. Braddock: What's the matter? The guests are all downstairs, Ben, waiting to see you.

Benjamin: Look, Dad, could you explain to them that I have to be alone for a while?

Mr. Braddock: These are all our good friends, Ben. Most of them have known you since, well, practically since you were born. What is it, Ben?

Benjamin: I'm just...

Mr. Braddock: Worried?

Benjamin: Well...

Mr. Braddock: About what?

Benjamin: I guess about my future.

Mr. Braddock: What about it?

Benjamin: I don't know... I want it to be...

Mr. Braddock: To be what?

Benjamin: [looks at his father] ... Different.

Benjamin: Where did you do it?

Mrs. Robinson: In his car.

Benjamin: What kind of car was it?

Mrs. Robinson: Come on now.

Benjamin: No, I really want to know.

Mrs. Robinson: A Ford.

Benjamin: Goddamn, that's great. So old Elaine Robinson got started in a Ford.

Mr. McGuire: I just want to say one word to you. Just one word.

Benjamin: Yes, sir.

Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?

Benjamin: Yes, I am.

Mr. McGuire: Plastics.

Benjamin: Exactly how do you mean?

Mr. McGuire: There's a great future in plastics. Think about it. Will you think about it?

Benjamin: [It's morning. Mr. Braddock is in the kitchen. Ben walks in] I'm going to marry Elaine Robinson.

Mr. Braddock: Well, well, well!

[He almost giggles as he crosses to Ben and takes his hand to shake it. Mrs. Braddock appears in the doorway]

Mrs. Braddock: What's happening

Mr. Braddock: Ben says he and Elaine are getting married.

Mrs. Braddock: I don't believe it.

Mr. Braddock: That what he says. Right?

Benjamin: I'm going up to Berkeley today.

Mrs. Braddock: Oh, Ben. This is so exciting.

Mr. Braddock: Come on, let's call the Robinsons. We've got something to celebrate.

Benjamin: No. I think you'll want to wait on that.

Mr. Braddock: They don't know?

Benjamin: No, they don't.

Mr. Braddock: Well, when did you decide all this?

Benjamin: About an hour ago.

Mr. Braddock: Wait a minute. You talked to Elaine this morning?

Benjamin: No. She doesn't know about it.

Mr. Braddock: She doesn't know that you're coming up to Berkeley?

Benjamin: No. Actually, she doesn't know about us getting married yet.

Mr. Braddock: When did you two talk this over?

Benjamin: We haven't.

Mr. Braddock: Ben, this whole idea sounds pretty half-baked.

Benjamin: No, it's not, Dad. It's completely baked. It's a decision I've made.

Mrs. Braddock: But what makes you think she wants to marry you?

Benjamin: [Ben picks up his suitcase, walks to the door] She doesn't. To be perfectly honest, she doesn't like me.

Benjamin: Oh, my God!

Mrs. Robinson: Pardon?

Benjamin: Oh no, Mrs. Robinson. Oh no.

Mrs. Robinson: What's wrong?

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you didn't... I mean, you didn't expect...

Mrs. Robinson: What?

Benjamin: I mean, you didn't really think I'd do something like THAT.

Mrs. Robinson: Like what?

Benjamin: What do you think?

Mrs. Robinson: Well, I don't know.

Benjamin: For God's sake, Mrs. Robinson. Here we are. You got me into your house. You give me a drink. You... put on music. Now, you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won't be home for hours.

Mrs. Robinson: So?

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me!

Mrs. Robinson: [laughs] Huh?

Benjamin: Aren't you?

Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, I am not trying to seduce you.

Benjamin: I know that, but please, Mrs. Robinson, this is difficult...

Mrs. Robinson: Would you like me to seduce you?

Benjamin: What?

Mrs. Robinson: Is that what you're trying to tell me?

Benjamin: I'm going home now. I apologize for what I said. I hope you can forget it, but I'm going home right now.

Mr. Robinson: Do you ummm... do you want to tell me *why* you did it

Benjamin: Mr. Robinson!

Mr. Robinson: Do you have a special grudge against me? Do you feel a particularly strong resentment? Is there something I've said that's caused this contempt, or is it just things I stand for that you despise?

Benjamin: Listen to me. What happened between Mrs. Robinson and me was nothing. It didn't mean anything. We might just as well have been shaking hands.

Mr. Robinson: Shaking hands? Well, that's not saying much for my wife, is it?

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, I can't do this anymore.

Mrs. Robinson: You what?

Benjamin: This is all terribly wrong.

Mrs. Robinson: Do you find me undesirable?

Benjamin: Oh no, Mrs. Robinson. I think, I think you're the most attractive of all my parents' friends. I mean that.

Elaine: Good night.

Benjamin: Are we getting married tomorrow?

Elaine: No...

Benjamin: Day after tomorrow?

Elaine: I don't know. Maybe we are, and maybe we're not.

Mrs. Braddock: What makes you think she wants to marry you?

Benjamin: Oh, she doesn't. To be perfectly honest, she doesn't like me.

Mr. Braddock: Ben, what are you doing?

Benjamin: Well, I would say that I'm just drifting. Here in the pool.

Mr. Braddock: Why?

Benjamin: Well, it's very comfortable just to drift here.

Mr. Braddock: Have you thought about graduate school?

Benjamin: No.

Mr. Braddock: Would you mind telling me then what those four years of college were for? What was the point of all that hard work?

Benjamin: You got me.

[last lines]

Mrs. Robinson: Elaine, it's too late!

Elaine: Not for me!

Benjamin: Elaine, would you just tell me where he proposed to you?

Benjamin: [shouting after her as she leaves the library] Oh God, it wasn't in his car, was it?

Gas station attendant: It's six blocks up and... three over.

[as Ben races out and leaps into the car]

Gas station attendant: Do you need any gas, Father?

[the empty fuel gauge fills the screen just as Benjamin drives off]

[first lines]

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to begin our descent into Los Angeles. The sound you just heard is the landing gear locking into place. Los Angeles weather is clear; temperature is 72. We expect to make our 4 hour and 18 minute flight on schedule. We have enjoyed having you on board, and look forward to seeing you again in the near future.

[Mrs. Robinson comes into Elaine's room, naked, and locks the door with Benjamin inside with her]

Benjamin: Oh God. Oh, let me out.

Mrs. Robinson: Don't be nervous.

Benjamin: Get away from that door.

Mrs. Robinson: I want to say something first.

Benjamin: Jesus Christ.

Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, I want you to know that I'm available to you, and if you won't sleep with me this time...

Benjamin: Oh, my Christ.

Mrs. Robinson: If you won't sleep with me this time I want you to know that you can call me up anytime you want and we'll make some kind of arrangement.

Benjamin: Oh...

Mrs. Robinson: Do you understand what I...

Benjamin: Let me out.

Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, do you understand what I just said?

Benjamin: Yes! Yes. Let me out!

Mrs. Robinson: I find you very attractive.

Mr. McCleery: [after the incident with Elaine screaming] I want you outta here.

Benjamin: What?

Mr. McCleery: I want you outta here.

Benjamin: Why?

Mr. McCleery: Because I don't like you.

[closes door]

Mr. McCleery: [asks Benjamin why he is in Berkeley] I just like to know what my boys are up to.

Mr. McCleery: You aren't one of those agitators, are you?

Benjamin: What?

Mr. McCleery: I hate 'em. I won't stand for it.

Mr. Robinson: [after Ben has driven Mrs. Robinson home, Mr. Robinson unexpectedly comes home early] Is that Ben's car in front?

Benjamin: [nervously] Yes, sir. I drove... I drove Mrs. Robinson home. She wanted me to drive her home so I drove her home.

Mr. Robinson: Swell. I appreciate.

Benjamin: She's upstairs. She wanted me to wait down here till you got home.

Mr. Robinson: Standing guard over the old castle, are you?

Benjamin: Yes, sir.

Mr. Robinson: All right, come on, let's have a nightcap together.

Mr. Robinson: [reaches for a bottle] Scotch?

Benjamin: Bourbon.

Mr. Robinson: Ben... How old are you now?

Benjamin: Twenty. I'll be 21 next week.

Mr. Robinson: [as he fixes drinks for both of them] That's a hell of a good age to be.

Benjamin: Thank you. Thank you very much, sir.

Mr. Robinson: I, uh... I wish I was that age again. Because, Ben...

Benjamin: Sir?

Mr. Robinson: You'll never be young again.

Benjamin: I know.

Mr. Robinson: Ben, can I say something to you?

Benjamin: What?

Mr. Robinson: Uh, how long have we known each other now? How long have you and I known each other? How long have your dad and I been partners?

Benjamin: Quite a while.

Mr. Robinson: I watched you grow up, Ben.

Benjamin: Yes, sir.

Mr. Robinson: In many ways, I feel as though you were my own son.

Benjamin: Thank you.

Mr. Robinson: So I hope you won't mind my giving you a friendly piece of advice.

Benjamin: I'd like to hear it.

Mr. Robinson: Ben, I think... I think you ought to be taking it a little easier right now than you seem to be. Sow a few wild oats. Take things as they come. Have a good time with the girls and so forth.

Mrs. Robinson: [Mrs. Robinson joins them; Ben abruptly stands up] Don't get up.

Mr. Robinson: I was just telling... Ben. Ben, here, that he ought to sow a few wild oats. Have a good time while he can. You think that's sound advice?

Mrs. Robinson: Yes, I do.

Benjamin: I've got to go.

Mr. Robinson: You have yourself a few flings this summer. I bet you're quite a ladies' man, huh?

Benjamin: Oh, no.

Mr. Robinson: [taken aback] What?

Mr. Robinson: You look to me like the kind of guy who has to fight 'em off.

Mr. Robinson: [to his wife] Now, doesn't he look to you like the kind of guy who has to fight them off?

Mrs. Robinson: Yes, he does.

Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, I thought I made myself perfectly clear about this...

Benjamin: Look, I have no intention of taking your precious daughter out again in her life, so don't get upset about it!

Mrs. Robinson: I am. I'm *extremely* upset about it, Benjamin.

Elaine: [Mr. Robinson comes in with Elaine next to him] Hello.

Benjamin: Hello.

Mr. Robinson: [playfully giving advice to Elaine about Benjamin] Well, I want you to keep your wits about you tonight. You never know what *tricks* Ben picked up back there in the east. Heh heh...

Benjamin: My whole life is such a waste... It's just nothing.

Benjamin: I'm sorry, I'll take you home now.

Elaine: Benjamin, I would like to know what you're doing here.

Benjamin: Here? In Berkeley?

Elaine: Yes.

Benjamin: Well, I have this very pleasant room on Carter Street, and I've been getting to some classes.

Elaine: But you're not enrolled.

Benjamin: No, I just sit in. They don't seem to mind. They've been very congenial about it.

Elaine: [annoyed] Benjamin, you're... I don't know what to say.

Benjamin: [nonchalantly] Maybe we can get together sometime and talk about it.

Elaine: [exasperated] Really incredible.

Mr. Robinson: [in Ben's boarding house room] All right, now listen to this. I don't know whether I can prosecute, but I think I can. I think I can get you behind bars if you ever *look* at my daughter again. Now, I've seen Elaine, and I've made damn sure you can't get to her. Stay away from me, Ben!

Mr. Robinson: [heading for the door] I don't want to mince words with you. As far as Elaine is concerned, you're to get her out of your filthy mind right now! Is that *perfectly* clear to you? And that's all, Ben. You'll pardon me if *I* don't shake hands with you.

Mr. Robinson: I think you are filth. I think you are scum. You are a degenerate!

[heads down the stairs, brushes past Mr. McCleery]

Mr. McCleery: I want you out of here.

Benjamin: What do you mean?

Mr. McCleery: Now you heard me: out of here.

Benjamin: What for?

Mr. McCleery: [line delivered with Norman Fell's classic dour expression] Because I don't like you.

Benjamin: What kind of car was it?

Mrs. Robinson: What?

Benjamin: Do you remember the make of the car?

Mrs. Robinson: Oh, my God.

Benjamin: Really, I want to know.

Mrs. Robinson: It was a Ford, Benjamin.

Benjamin: [laughs] A Ford, a Ford! Goddam it, that's great. A Ford!

Mrs. Robinson: That's enough.

Benjamin: [Mrs. Robinson turns off the lights] So old Elaine Robinson got started in a Ford.

Mrs. Robinson: Don't talk about Elaine.

Benjamin: Don't talk about Elaine?

Mrs. Robinson: No.

Benjamin: Well, why not?

Mrs. Robinson: Because I don't want you to.

Benjamin: Well, why don't you? I wish you'd tell me.

Mrs. Robinson: There's nothing to tell.

Benjamin: Well, why is she a big taboo subject all of a sudden? Well, I guess I'll have to ask her out on a date and find out what the big deal is.

Mrs. Robinson: [Mrs. Robinson turns on the lights,sternly warning Benjamin] Benjamin.

Benjamin: Ow!

Mrs. Robinson: Don't you ever take that girl out! Do you understand that?

Benjamin: Look, I have no intention of taking her out!

Mrs. Robinson: Good.

Mrs. Singleman: Hello.

Benjamin: Hello.

Mrs. Singleman: Oh, you must be one of the porters.

Benjamin: No, actually, I'm not...

Mrs. Singleman: Yes, I'd like you to meet my sister, Miss DeWitte.

Miss DeWitte: How do you do?

Benjamin: How do you do, Miss DeWitte?

Mrs. Singleman: And that's my husband, Mr. Singleman.

[Mr. Singleman holds his hand out in greeting]

Mr. Singleman: Oh, sorry.

Geoffrey: Fine, thank you.

Mrs. Singleman: That's Geoffrey, of course.

Mr. Singleman: I didn't get your name, sir.

Benjamin: Benjamin Braddock, sir, but I'm...

Mrs. Singleman: Braddock? Branham?

Benjamin: Yes, but I'm afraid I'm...

Mrs. Singleman: Oh, no no no, I'll find your table in just a moment.

Mrs. Singleman: [looks through the guest list] Braddock, Braddock, Braddock, not Branham, we have a Branham.

Benjamin: No, actually, I'm just looking for a friend.

Mrs. Singleman: Oh, but I don't understand.

Benjamin: I'm not with your party. I'm sorry.

Mr. Singleman: Hey, I don't get it.

Mrs. Singleman: I've enjoyed meeting you, Mr. Braddock.

Benjamin: Don't talk about Elaine?

Mrs. Robinson: No.

Benjamin: Well, why not?

Mrs. Robinson: Because I don't want you to.

Benjamin: Well, why don't you? I wish you'd tell me.

Mrs. Robinson: There's nothing to tell.

Benjamin: Well, why is she a big taboo subject all of a sudden? Well, I guess I'll have to ask her out on a date and find out what the big deal is.

Mrs. Robinson: [turns on the lamp] Benjamin...

Benjamin: Ow!

Mrs. Robinson: Don't you ever take that girl out! Do you understand me?

Benjamin: Look, I have no intention of taking her out.

Mrs. Robinson: Good.

Benjamin: I was just kidding around.

Mrs. Robinson: Good.

Benjamin: But why shouldn't I?

Mrs. Robinson: I have my reasons.

Benjamin: Well, let's hear them.

Mrs. Robinson: No.

Benjamin: Let's hear them, Mrs. Robinson, because I think I know what they are; I'm not good enough for her to associate with, am I? I'm not good enough to even talk about her, am I?

Mrs. Robinson: Let's drop it.

Benjamin: We're not dropping it! I'm good enough for you, but I'm not good enough to associate with your daughter. That's it, isn't it! Isn't it?

Mrs. Robinson: [lengthy pause] Yes.

Benjamin: You go to hell! You go straight to hell, Mrs. Robinson! Do you think I'm proud of myself? Do you think I'm proud of this?

Mrs. Robinson: I wouldn't know.

Benjamin: Well, I am not! No sir, I am not proud that I spend my time with a broken-down alcoholic!

Mrs. Robinson: I see.

Benjamin: And if you think I come here for any reason besides pure boredom, then you're all wrong; because Mrs. Robinson, this is the sickest, most perverted thing in the world that ever happened to me! And you do what you want, but I'm getting the hell out!

Mrs. Robinson: Are you?

Benjamin: Goddam right I am!

Mr. Braddock: [at the kitchen table] Elaine's back from school. It might be a nice gesture if you asked her out.

Benjamin: [in the swimming pool] I suppose she's not good enough for you! Is that it?

Benjamin: Look, Elaine Robinson and I do not get along.

Mr. Braddock: How do you know? You haven't seen her since high school. I suppose your evenings - whatever you do with them - are just too valuable.

Benjamin: That has nothing to do with it.

Mr. Braddock: I guess I'll just have to tell Mr. Robinson that you're too busy every evening, doing God knows what.

Mrs. Braddock: Now, don't go on like this!

Mr. Braddock: I'm not.

Mrs. Braddock: If Benjamin absolutely refuses to take her out...

Benjamin: I do.

Mrs. Braddock: Then I will simply have to invite all of the Robinsons over on Thursday.

[Ben falls off his air mattress and splashes into the pool]

Mrs. Braddock: [Ben is shaving in his bathroom] Oh, my.

Benjamin: Hi.

Mrs. Braddock: Hi, can I talk to you for a minute?

Benjamin: Sure.

Mrs. Braddock: Benji... darling, I'm, uh... going to ask you something, but you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

Benjamin: What?

Mrs. Braddock: Well, I was going to ask you what you do when you go off at night.

Benjamin: When I go out?

Mrs. Braddock: You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to.

Benjamin: No, I do, i want to tell you: I drive around.

Mrs. Braddock: What else?

Benjamin: Nothing else.

Mrs. Braddock: Well, you don't drive around from midnight til noon the next day, Benjamin?

Benjamin: Oh, no.

Mrs. Braddock: Well then, what do you do? Do you meet someone?

Benjamin: [Benjamin nicks his finger with the razor] Meet someone?

Mrs. Braddock: Hm.

Benjamin: Why do you say that?

Mrs. Braddock: Well, this is your business. I won't play games with you.

Benjamin: No wait, wait! I don't meet anyone, Mother, but why do you say that?

Mrs. Braddock: Benjamin, I don't want to pry into your affairs, but I would rather you didn't say anything at all than be dishonest. Good night.

[Mrs. Braddock leaves]

Benjamin: Well, wait! Wait a minute!

Mrs. Robinson: [gets into Benjamin's car] Drive down the block.

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, Elaine and I have a date, we're going for a drive.

Mrs. Robinson: [angrily] Do exactly as I say!

Benjamin: [Ben drives down the block] Now, it seems to me...

Mrs. Robinson: Listen very carefully to me, Benjamin: You are not to see Elaine again, ever! Those are my orders, is that clear?

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, do you think...

Mrs. Robinson: I can make things quite unpleasant.

Benjamin: How?

Mrs. Robinson: In order to keep Elaine away from you, I'm prepared to tell her everything.

Benjamin: [Ben stops the car] I don't believe you.

Mrs. Robinson: [threateningly] Then you better start believing me.

Benjamin: I just don't believe you would do that.

Mrs. Robinson: Try me.

[Ben gets out of the car]

Benjamin Braddock: [runs into the Robinson's house, up the stairs to Elaine's bedroom] Elaine! Elaine!

Elaine Robinson: Benjamin?

Benjamin Braddock: I'm coming up!

Elaine Robinson: I'm not dressed yet!

Elaine Robinson: [Ben barges through her bedroom door] Benjamin, I said I wasn't dressed.

Benjamin Braddock: You've got to go over the back fence, and I'll meet you in the courtyard.

Elaine Robinson: What's the matter?

Benjamin Braddock: Hurry, put your shoes on.

Elaine Robinson: [hysterically] Benjamin, Benjamin!

Benjamin Braddock: Elaine.

Elaine Robinson: What are you doing?

Benjamin Braddock: Elaine, I have to tell you something.

Elaine Robinson: What is it?

Benjamin Braddock: That woman...

Elaine Robinson: What?

Benjamin Braddock: That woman - that older woman that I told you about?

Elaine Robinson: You mean that one?

Benjamin Braddock: Yes, the married woman; that wasn't just some woman.

Elaine Robinson: What are you telling me? Benjamin, will you just tell me what this is all about?

[Elaine turns around, and sees her mother, Mrs. Robinson standing in the bedroom doorway; her expression turns to shock]

Elaine Robinson: Oh, no.

Benjamin Braddock: Elaine...

Elaine Robinson: Oh my God.

Benjamin Braddock: Please.

Elaine Robinson: Get out of here.

Benjamin Braddock: Don't cry.

Elaine Robinson: [screams] Get out! Get out, out! Get out!

Mrs. Robinson: Goodbye, Benjamin.

Mrs. Singleman: Hello.

Benjamin: Hello.

Mrs. Singleman: Oh, you must be one of the porters.

Benjamin: No, actually, I'm not...

Mrs. Singleman: Yes, I'd like you to meet my sister, Miss DeWitte.

Miss DeWitte: How do you do?

Benjamin: How do you do, Miss DeWitte?

Mrs. Singleman: And that's my husband, Mr. Singleman.

[Mr. Singleman holds his hand out to be shaked]

Benjamin: Oh, sorry.

Geoffrey: Fine, thank you.

Mrs. Singleman: That's Geoffrey, of course.

Mr. Singleman: I didn't get your name, sir.

Benjamin: Benjamin Braddock, sir, but I'm...

Mrs. Singleman: Braddock? Braddock?

Benjamin: Yes, but I'm afraid I'm...

Mrs. Singleman: Oh, no no no, I'll find your table in just a moment.

[Mrs. Singleman looks through the guest list]

Mrs. Singleman: Braddock, Braddock, Braddock, not Branham, we have a Branham.

[laughs]

Benjamin: No, actually, I'm just looking for a friend.

Mrs. Singleman: Oh, but I don't understand.

Benjamin: I'm not with your party. I'm sorry.

Mr. Singleman: Hey, I don't get it.

Miss DeWitte: I've enjoyed meeting you, Mr. Braddock.

Benjamin: [a knock on the apartment door as Ben's shaving] Who is it?

Elaine: [Elaine enters the room] I want to ask you a question, and then I'm going!

Benjamin: Come in.

Elaine: No. I want to know why you're here in Berkeley.

Benjamin: Because... I am.

Elaine: Is it because I'm here?

Benjamin: What do you think?

Elaine: I think it is. I said, "I think it is!"

Benjamin: All right, then yes.

Elaine: Well, I want you to leave.

Benjamin: Well, look, I love you!

Elaine: How could you do that, Benjamin? Do you just hate everything? How could you possibly rape my mother?

Benjamin: What?

Elaine: I don't understand. I don't understand how you...

Benjamin: Did you say "rape her"?

Elaine: How you or anyone could do a thing like that!

Benjamin: What did she say? You've got to tell me what she said!

Elaine: Why?

Benjamin: Because it isn't true! Tell me!

Elaine: She said that she was having a drink at the hotel with a friend, and that you... waited for her in the parking lot, and told her that she was too drunk to drive home, and that you would get her a room for the night.

Benjamin: Oh, then what?

Elaine: Then you took her upstairs, and you raped her.

Benjamin: Oh, no no, that's not what happened. What happened was that there was this party at my parents, I drove your mother home...

Elaine: I don't want to hear this!

Benjamin: Then we went upstairs to see your portrait...

Elaine: No, I don't!

Benjamin: When we got up in the room, she started taking her clothes off...

Elaine: This is my mother, Benjamin!

Benjamin: And suddenly, there she was without any clothes on, I mean, reallly naked!

Elaine: Okay!

[Elaine screams hysterically, lying face down on Ben's bed, crying]

Benjamin: [Benjamin pulls up to the service station] Can I use your phone?

Gas station attendant: Yeah.

Dr. Smith's answering service (voice): [Ben starts looking through the telephone directory; after finding the number, he dials it] 657-2036.

Benjamin: Hello? Who is this?

Dr. Smith's answering service (voice): This is Dr. Smith's answering service.

Benjamin: Is the doctor anywhere?

Dr. Smith's answering service (voice): I'm afraid the doctor can't be reached right now. If you'd like to leave...

Benjamin: I have to know where he is!

Dr. Smith's answering service (voice): Well, you see, the doctor is at his son's wedding, but I'm sure it's over by now. He should be checking in any moment.

Benjamin: Listen to me! I'm Dr. Smith's brother... Reverend Smith, and I'm supposed to perform the ceremony. I just got in from Portland, and I've forgotten what church, you see?

Dr. Smith's answering service (voice): Oh, well, I'm not sure, but you might try the First Presbyterian. Now that's on Allen Street.

Benjamin: Thank you.

[Ben hangs up, leaving the service station]

Benjamin: Allen Street, where is it?

Gas station attendant: Allen, uh... it's, uh... it's, uh... it's six blocks up and, uh... three over. Hey, you need any gas, Father?

[Ben drives away]

Benjamin: I don't know. They must think I look like this guy Gladstone.

Miss DeWitte: Hello, Mr. Braniff!