The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard Quotes

Ivy Selleck: Mister Ready, this business has been in our family for 40 years, so no sleazy stuff okay?

Don Ready: Don't worry about it darlin' we're not going to break the rules, we're just going to bend them a little bit...

Ivy Selleck: [wiggles around faking enthusiasm] Okay, okay. I just, I know your type. You know it's all the thrill of the hunt, I get it. I mean you crave it, you corner it, but mister Ready let me ask you a question. You know what to do when you catch it?

[awkward silence drops around the dinner table]

Don Ready: Are we talking about pussy?

DeeJay: Nobody tells deejay request what to play. Let them tell you what to play, they lose respect for you. They lose respect for you, you lose control. Not today...

[let's his own words sink in and starts smiling]

DeeJay: All right!

Jibby Newsome: I'm

[pause]

Jibby Newsome: making love.

Heather: [moans] making love.

Jibby Newsome: You know what nobody ever told me 'bout making love?

Heather: What?

Jibby Newsome: How borin' it is.

Heather: Yeah!

Jibby Newsome: [pause] You can do anything you want. My safe word is blueberry pancakes.

Don Ready: Hey McDermott, we did it. A happy ending!

McDermott: Yeah, if you call selling cars in Temecula a happy ending.

Angels: [signing] Temecula! It's not even motherfucking Fresno!

Dick Lewiston: I never cared much for Jews, queers, or fuckin' Eskimos. It was just the way I was raised.

Brent Gage: Is that it?

Dick Lewiston: Yeah! I thought we were opening up here!

Stewardess Stacey: Sir, there's no smoking on airplanes.

Don Ready: I know! It's ridiculous, isn't it? Don't worry about it, I'll be quick.

Don Ready: I had to take my pants off and nibble my Old Spice down to three ounces just to get on the plane, Stacey!

Stewardess Stacey: They made me throw out my mouthwash.

Brent Gage: I had to give up my bath jellies.

Babs Merrick: They made me breast feed some old man.

Selleck Customer - Gary: It's a good car, right?

Babs Merrick: No.

Selleck Customer - Gary: I don't give a shit. I'll push the motherfucker.

Babs Merrick: Go see the dudes in the back. Run, man!

Don Ready: Hey, uh, Paxton... Lance Bass called, He said he, uh... Oh, fucking forget it.

Paxton Harding: Yeah, like he would have your number.

Stu Harding: Hey, Lance Bass never opened for OTown, My boy did. You can Google it.

Paxton Harding: Yeah. I told them that already, dad. They refused to Google it.

Don Ready: Are you in a boy band?

Paxton Harding: No. I'm in a man band. We're all over 30. We call it a man band.

Don Ready: You're men in a boy band.

Babs Merrick: You're a virgin?

Jibby Newsome: Oh, hell no!

Babs Merrick: Oh.

Jibby Newsome: No, I been with hundreds of women... maybe thousands. I... I just ain't never really ever made love to a woman. You know, I've done 3-ways, 4-ways, menage-a-tois, menage sept, menage seises... I've sixty-nined, eighty-nined... one hundred fourteened. Golden, diamond and platinum showers. I like that. I mean, I ripped shit up. Done all that... but I ain't never ever made love to a woman.

Brent Gage: [Knocking on motel room door] Come on Don... come on.

Babs Merrick: What's going on? Don's never been late for the last day of a sale.

Ivy Selleck: [Opening door] Don's gone. Aaaaand you did not see me here. Okay.

Babs Merrick: Well did he go to the lot?

Ivy Selleck: I don't know. He kind of just freaked out and left.

Jibby Newsome: 'Querque all over again.

Babs Merrick: Fuckin' 'Querque.

Blake: Are you saying I should pretend to be his son? Because Brent, that's fucked up.

Brent Gage: Is it? Or is it fucked down?

Don Ready: And we're looking at an even better day tomorrow. Bo Bice's brother comin' in here to sing some tunes.

Wade Zooha: Shut up! Eric Bice?

Dick Lewiston: She's a real beauty huh? Yep a real beaut... This car is for you. Now let me guess, the man of the house needs a second car so the little lady can go to the garden club while you play gin rummy... with the boys huh?

Selleck Customer - Wife: Actually we need a car so we can go rock climbing.

Dick Lewiston: Rock climbing? Why would anybody go climb a rock? Man things are changing i remember when men were men and women were gals and we called coloreds... coloreds.

Selleck Customer - Wife: You know actually i think were gonna get going.

Dick Lewiston: Come on sweetie now don't be a bitch lets talk some numbers here.

Selleck Customer - Husband: Hey hey hey don't talk to my wife like that.

Dick Lewiston: Hey boy! I fought in the big war i mean *NOBODY* tells me what to do! Hold this.

[punches customer in face]

Teddy Dang: Mr. Selleck, I think i made a sale.

Ben Selleck: Terrific, good job Teddy!

Teddy Dang: And he wants to pay in cash, non sequential unmarked bills, neatly packed in this canvas bag.

Ben Selleck: well thats a bank bag Teddy...

[bag full of blue dye packs explodes in Teddy's face, customer speeds away]

Teddy Dang: Ah! My eyes, My eyes! My Lasik!

Ben Selleck: Awe shit somebody call the cops.

Teddy Dang: It Burns!

Ben Selleck: Teddy go flush your eyes out.

Teddy Dang: I feel like a smurf just jizzed in my face!

Don Ready: You're here from Selleck Motors?

Peter Selleck: No but my dad is.

Don Ready: You know you're supposed to put the name of the party you're picking up not your own. Love the drawing though.

Peter Selleck: Yea I'm a really good drawer, I like to draw stomach muscles the most. I can also draw Darth Vader's Helmet, I can also draw him, I can draw uhh a saber, A lightsaber or a regular sword it dudnt even matter

Don Ready: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are ya drunk? Are you retarded? Because were here to help you.

Peter Selleck: Don't move! Dad! Amber Alert! Adult! Stranger Danger Stranger Danger! Dad!

Babs Merrick: Looks like it wasn't the fax ink, hes some sort of man child.

Ben Selleck: Its a pituitary problem ma'am, Hes 10... in the developing body of an adult

Don Ready: Awe I'm sorry buddy, I'm totally sorry. Put it up there high five, good effort there

Ben Selleck: And who is this guy? Well you are a strapping young man.

Brent Gage: Brent Gage, Sir.

Ben Selleck: Brent Gage, Now that is a strong name. I don't know why but right off the bat i like you... *a lot*

Ben Selleck: Hey Brent, you see my wife over there?

Brent Gage: Yea

Ben Selleck: it is a *dead* marriage but, ya know, ya learn to live with it. Drive around out at night windows down, music up. Some people call it cruisin' me i call it looking for a friend. Are you my friend Brent?

Brent Gage: No!

Don Ready: Make sure your underwear is *tight* tomorrow... because you will have a boner.

Peter Selleck: Hahaha!

Jibby Newsome: Amen

Ben Selleck: I like the sound of that, Right Brent?

Tammy Selleck: You know Paxton here is in one of those popular bands in Temecula. Balls out!

Paxton Harding: No Big ups.

Tammy Selleck: Big Ups.

Don Ready: Either way.

[Everyone laughs]

Paxton Harding: Big ups is the name of the band! It's me and Ricky and Jason and we ya know we sing about life and love and passion, I'm not gonna lie to you we have some pretty *sick* dance moves.

Don Ready: Are, are you in a boy band?

Paxton Harding: No I'm in a man band, Were all over 30 we call it a man band,

Don Ready: You're... You're men in a boy band.

Paxton Harding: We open for O-Town! Right here in Temecula okay. Google it.

Brent Gage: No.

Paxton Harding: Google it

Brent Gage: No.

Paxton Harding: Why wouldn't you Google it, I just told you to Google it. Google "Big Ups"

Babs Merrick: No i Googled it, it said you *fucking* blow.

Paxton Harding: That was O-Town's website.

Paxton Harding: You know what. I'm rising above this, while you guys are yukking it up I'm gonna go rehearse with Big Ups.

Brent Gage: You can do this. You are a winner. Don Ready has the heart of a champion.

Don Ready: I'm a fucking stallion. I should be owned by a goddamn middle eastern sheik!

Brent Gage: There's almost no doubt you invented the phrase "It's all good".

Brent Gage: In the schoolyard a Don Ready is a euphemism for a hard-on.

Brent Gage: You were the first person to wear a Von Dutch trucker hat.

Don Ready: I really regret that!

Brent Gage: As well you should.

Brent Gage: Mmmm look at my husband, looks like hes got a Don Ready!

Don Ready: Give me a minute.