The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Quotes

Blondie: You may run the risks, my friend, but I do the cutting. We cut down my percentage - uh, cigar? - liable to interfere with my aim.

Tuco: But if you miss you had better miss very well. Whoever double-crosses me and leaves me alive, he understands nothing about Tuco. Nothing!

[Chuckles, bites cigar]

Tuco: [thinking the cavalry they've met are Confederate] Hurrah! Hurrah for the Confederacy! HURRAH! Down with General Grant! Hurrah for General... what's his name?

Blondie: Lee.

Tuco: Lee! LEE! Ha ha! God is with us because he hates the Yanks too. HURRAH!

Blondie: [spits] God's not on our side because he hates *idiots* also.

[the commander of the cavalry patrol they've met reveals his blue uniform]

[surveying some Civil War carnage]

Blondie: I've never seen so many men wasted so badly.

Baker: Here, this is for you. You did a good job for me. Worth five hundred dollars,

[hands over a purse]

Angel Eyes: Oh I almost forgot. He gave me a thousand. I think his idea was that I kill you.

[they both laugh]

Angel Eyes: But you know the pity is when I'm paid, I always follow my job through. You know that.

Baker: Noo! Angel Eyes!

[Angel Eyes presses a pillow over Baker's face and shoots him through it]

[as they set out across the desert]

Tuco: What was it you told me the last time? Ah, yes..."If you save your breath I feel a man like you can manage it." And if you won't manage it, you'll die... only slowly. *Very* slowly, old friend.

Tuco: I would like to piss, it's rough. I've been shaking up in this train nearly ten hours now.

Cpl. Wallace: You smell like a pig already. Let's try not to make things any worse.

[He shoves Tuco to the carriage door]

Cpl. Wallace: Get going.

[Tuco stands at the edge of the carriage and pauses]

Tuco: I can't while you're watching me.

[Tuco is in a bubble bath. The One Armed Man enters the room]

One Armed Man: I've been looking for you for 8 months. Whenever I should have had a gun in my right hand, I thought of you. Now I find you in exactly the position that suits me. I had lots of time to learn to shoot with my left.

[Tuco kills him with the gun he has hidden in the foam]

Tuco: When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.

[a dying man has information Tuco wants]

Tuco: Don't die, I'll get you water. Stay there. Don't move, I'll get you water. Don't die until later.

Stevens: What does he pay you for murdering me?

Angel Eyes: Five hundred dollars... to get the name.

[last lines]

Tuco: [shouting] Hey, Blond! You know what you are? Just a dirty son-of-a-b-!

Blondie: [counting Angel Eyes' men] One, two, three, four, five, six. Six. Perfect number.

Angel Eyes: Huh. Isn't three the perfect number?

Blondie: Mm... yeah. But I've got six more bullets in my gun.

Tuco: I'll kill you!

Blondie: [gasps out in a whisper] If you do that, you'll always be poor... just like the greasy rat that you are.

Tuco: [to his brother the priest] While I'm waiting for the Lord to remember me, I, Tuco Ramirez, brother of "Brother" Ramirez will tell you something! You think you're better than I am... where we came from, if one did not want to die in poverty, one became a priest or a bandit! You chose your way, I chose mine. *Mine* was harder! You talk about Mother and Father... you forget that when you left to become a priest *I* stayed behind! I must have been ten, twelve, I don't remember which, but *I stayed*! I tried, but it was no good! Now I'm going to tell you something... you became a priest because you were too much of a coward to do what *I* do!

[Pablo strikes Tuco across the face. Tuco retaliates with a right hook that sends Pablo crashing into various items. Tuco heads for the doorway]

Father Pablo Ramirez: Tuco...

[Tuco pauses at the doorway, then, without turning around, gives a dismissive wave and exits. Pablo stares ruefully after him]

Father Pablo Ramirez: Please forgive me, brother.

[to Tuco]

Blondie: [clicks his tongue] Such ingratitude, after all the times I saved your life.

Sheriff: [shows Tuco the wanted poster] So you're an honest farmer. You recognize this man?

Tuco: Me?

Sheriff: Yeah, it's you!

Tuco: Hey, who said so, huh? You can't even read!

[the Sheriff rolls up the poster]

Tuco: Roll it up, roll it up! I'll give you a good idea where you can put it!

Tuco: [trying to read a grave that is marked "Unknown"] Unk-... unk-... there's no name on it.

Blondie: [showing him the stone the name was supposed to be written on stone] There's no name here, either. See, that's what Bill Carson told me... it was the grave marked "Unknown" right beside Arch Stanton.

Jackson: [trying to tell in which grave the gold is hidden] There's no number... there's a name... it's written...

[chokes and gasps a couple of times, then]

Jackson: Water!

Tuco: You talk first, I'll give you water later! Sad Hill Cemetery, okay, in the grave okay! But it must have a name or a number on it! There must be a thousand, five thousand!

Maria: Is that you Bill? Bill!

[She runs into a dark room and is grabbed by Angel Eyes]

Maria: Who are you? What do you want with me?

Angel Eyes: Go on talking about Bill Carson.

[first lines]

Stevens: You're... from Baker?

[Angel Eyes is silent, eating a bowl of stew and staring at him]

Stevens: Tell Baker that I told him all that I know already and I want to live in peace, understand? That it's no use to go on tormenting me! I know nothing at all about that case of coins.

[Angel Eyes stops eating and looks interested]

Stevens: Now that gold has disappeared, but if he'd listened we could have avoided this altogether. I went to the Army court; there were no witnesses. They couldn't uncover any more. I can't tell Baker what happened to the money. Go back and tell him that!

Tuco: I'm very happy you are working with me! And we're together again.

[pause]

Tuco: I get dressed, I kill him and be right back.

Blondie: Listen, I forgot to mention... He's not alone. There's five of 'em.

Tuco: Five?

Blondie: Yeah, five of 'em.

Tuco: So, that's why you came to Tuco.

[pause]

Tuco: It doesn't matter, I'll kill them all.

Bounty Hunter: [three bounty hunters have cornered Tuco] No! No pistol, amigo! It won't do you any good. There are three of us!

Mexican Bounty Hunter: [holding a wanted poster] Hey, amigo! You know you got a face beautiful enough to be worth $2000?

Blondie: [from behind them] Yeah, but you don't look like the one who'll collect it.

[Lights a cigar]

Blondie: A couple steps back.

[the bounty hunters draw their guns but Blondie guns down all three]

Blondie: If you shoot me, you won't see a cent of that money.

Angel Eyes: [frowning] Why?

Blondie: I'll tell you why.

[Blondie kicks the coffin lid open]

Blondie: Cause there's nothin' in here!

Angel Eyes: [Tuco is about to be hanged] Even a filthy beggar like that has got a protecting angel.

[He sees Blondie watching]

Angel Eyes: A golden-haired angel watches over him

Tuco: [trying to read a note] "See you soon, id... " "idi... "

Blondie: [taking the note] "Idiots".

[He hand the note back to Tuco]

Blondie: It's for you.

Angel Eyes: Why are you going under the name Bill Carson now?

Tuco: One name is as good as another. Not wise to use your own name. Like you! I'll bet they don't call you Angel Eyes! Sergeant Angel Eyes!

Blondie: I mean our partnership is untied.

Tuco: [looks down at the noose still hanging from his neck]

Blondie: Oh no, not you, you remain tied. I'll keep the money and you can have the rope.

Tuco: I never hurt anybody!

Officer: ...wanted in 14 counties of this state, the condemned is found guilty of the crimes of murder, armed robbery of citizens, state banks and post offices, the theft of sacred objects, arson in a state prison, perjury, bigamy, deserting his wife and children, inciting prostitution, kidnapping, extortion, receiving stolen goods, selling stolen goods, passing counterfeit money, and, contrary to the laws of this state, the condemned is guilty of using marked cards...

Blondie: [watching the soldiers fighting on the bridge] I have a feeling it's really gonna be a good, long battle.

Tuco: Blondie, the money's on the other side of the river.

Blondie: Oh? Where?

Tuco: Amigo, I said on the other side, and that's enough. But while the Confederates are there we can't get across.

Blondie: What would happen if somebody were to blow up that bridge?

Tuco: Yeah. Then these idiots would go somewhere else to fight.

Blondie: [lighting his match] Maybe.

One-armed Union soldier: [Wallace and Tuco are at the train station, handcuffed together] Hey, corporal, afraid he'll get lost? Where's the Rebel going?

Cpl. Wallace: To Hell, with a rope around his neck and a price on his head.

Tuco: Yeah... three thousand dollars, friend. That's a lot of money for a head.

[He flips the soldier's empty sleeve]

Tuco: I bet they didn't even pay you a penny for your arm.

Tuco: What about our parents?

Father Pablo Ramirez: Only now do you think of them? To begin after nine years...

Tuco: [startled] Nine years?

[tries to laugh it off]

Tuco: So it's nine years. Nine years!

Father Pablo Ramirez: Our mother has been dead a long time now.

[the smile fades from Tuco's face]

Father Pablo Ramirez: Our father died a few days ago. That's why I was away. He asked for you to be there... but there was only me.

[Tuco is hit hard by the news. Pablo studies him]

Father Pablo Ramirez: And you... outside of evil, what else have you managed to do? It seems to me you once had a wife somewhere.

Tuco: [pulls himself together and turns to face Pablo, his eyes still brimming with tears] Not one, lots of them! One here, one there, wherever I found them!

[almost snarls]

Tuco: Go on, preach me a sermon, Pablo!

Father Pablo Ramirez: What good would that be?

Tuco: [Sitting by the dry, dehydrated Blondie's bedside, desperately begging him to tell him what name is on the grave the gold is buried in] I... I must tell you the truth, Blondie. In my place, you would do the same thing. It's all over for you now. There's nothing anyone can do any more.

[Covers his face to stifle a fake sob]

Tuco: Oh, God, forgive me! It's my fault!

[He beats the sides of his head in mock despair and frustration]

Tuco: Mine, mine, mine, mine! I'll tell you one thing, Blondie. If I knew that my last hour had come, I swear, in my place... in your place I would do the same thing. I would tell about the gold. Yes, yes, I would. I would tell the name on the grave. What good is the money if you're dead? I know the name of the cemetery. But you know how many graves there are there? Please. Blondie, please. Have a little... coffee? Please, tell me the name. On... on the grave. If I get my hands on the 200,000 dollars, I'll always honour your memory. I swear, I'll always honour your memory.

Angel Eyes: [to Wallace] Be sure these two get good treatment.

Tuco: [innocently] Hey, Blondie. Did you hear that? Good treatment.

[Tuco spits on the ground as he's carried into town. His hands are tied behind on his back, and he's slung over Blondie's horse like a rug]

Tuco: ¡Hijo de una puta que te parió! You'll pay for this! I hope you end up in a graveyard, with the cholera and the rabies and the plague! Cut me loose! Cut me loose, you filthy bastard! Put me down! I hope your mother ends up in a two-dollar whorehouse! Cut me loose! Cut me loose!

[Blondie arrives at the Sheriff's office]

Tuco: Let me go, and I'll pardon you. Let me go! I think I feel sick. The blood is bursting through my...

[Blondie pulls Tuco off the horse and holds him against an awning beam]

Tuco: I'm dry, Blondie. Water...

[He spits in Blondie's face and laughs giddily. Blondie slaps him]

Pardue the Hotel Owner: This morning l heard the whole thing. They say Colonel Canby's closing in with his Northerners, and no later than tomorrow that they'll be in the city. That's why these Southerners are getting out! You see, as soon as these cowards hear there are blue shirts around, they run. These rebels have no will to fight.

Pardue's Wife: Poor things.

Pardue the Hotel Owner: They'll soon be finished. We get rid of these bastards... then we begin making money on those Yankees. They carry gold, not paper dollars. And they're going to beat the South. Look, see that one with the white beard sitting in the wagon? General Sibley. He looks dead. He's finally getting out of our hair.

[He starts cheering sarcastically at the Confederates]

Pardue the Hotel Owner: Hooray for Dixie! Hooray! Hooray for Dixie!

Tuco: Ah, my belly's full. Nice guy, my brother. I didn't tell you my brother was in charge here? Everything. Like the Pope, almost. He's in charge in Rome. Yeah, yeah, my brother, he say to me, "Stay, brother, don't go home. We never see each other. Here, there's plenty to eat and drink. Bring your friend, too." Whenever we see each other, he never lets me go. It's always the same story. My brother, he's crazy about me.

[His tone becomes wistful]

Tuco: That's so... even a tramp like me, no matter what happens, I know there's a brother somewhere who'll never refuse me... a bowl of soup.

Union Captain at the Bridge: We have two attacks a day.

Tuco: [appalled] Two attacks a day?

Union Captain at the Bridge: Sure, the Rebs have decided that damn bridge is the key to this whole area. Stupid, useless bridge. Flyspeck on headquarters' maps. And headquarters has declared we must take that ridiculous flyspeck even if all of us are killed. Otherwise, the key will get rusty and just be a spot on the wall.

Tuco: I got a good sense of where I'm going. Tuco has taken you this far. I will take you all the way to...

[He and Blondie are suddenly surrounded by Union soldiers carrying bayonets]

Blondie: Where are we going?

Tuco: Where? Where I'm going, amigo. Over that way, another hundred miles of beautiful, sun-baked sand.