-
Jack Baker: What's happened to you? Have you been kissing ass so long, you're starting to like it?
-
Jack Baker: You let that guy turn us into clowns tonight. We were always small time, but we were never clowns.
-
Jack Baker: Frank, if somebody requested "Chopsticks," you'd ask for the sheet music.
-
Jack Baker: Who I fuck and who I don't fuck is none of your fucking business!
-
Susie Diamond: You're good, aren't you?
Jack Baker: I can carry a tune.
Susie Diamond: You're better than that.
-
Susie Diamond: So, make any resolutions?
Jack Baker: No, you?
Susie Diamond: Nah, I figure all that stuff's a bunch of crap, anyway. You do what you do, right?
-
Susie Diamond: Listen, I didn't expect you to rush out and buy me a corsage this morning, you know. Your high school ring is safe.
-
Jack Baker: There's always another girl.
[several scenes later]
Susie Diamond: So, did you find another girl?
Jack Baker: I didn't look.
-
Jack Baker: You look good.
Susie Diamond: You look like shit.
Jack Baker: No, I mean it. You look good.
Susie Diamond: I mean it, too. You look like shit.
-
Frank Baker: Okay, let's hear it. We trashed the Avedon, the Luau Lounge - what's our beef with 'Feelings'?
Susie Diamond: Nothing... except who cares? I mean, does anybody really need to hear 'Feelings' again in their lifetime? It's like parsley, okay? Take it away, nobody's going to know the difference.
Frank Baker: 'Feelings' is not parsley!
Susie Diamond: Frank, to you 'Feelings' may be goddamn filet mignon, but to me, it's parsley. It's *less* than parsley.
Frank Baker: Look, 'Feelings,' despite what you may think of it, has always been one of the bright moments of the show, and a consistent crowd-pleaser, and consequently we have an obligation to perform it. If we didn't, the audience would be disappointed.
Susie Diamond: Oh. Well, they weren't exactly crying their eyes out on New Year's Eve.
Frank Baker: You passed over 'Feelings'?
Susie Diamond: Yeah. Oh, and 'Bali Hai' went out with the bathwater, too.
Frank Baker: Ah ha. I see. The cat goes away for the night, and the mice take over the orchestra.
Susie Diamond: Hey! I ain't no mouse.
Frank Baker: That's right - you're parsley.
-
Frank Baker: [as she auditions 'The Candyman'] Thank you, Miss Moran, that's enough. Miss Moran... Miss Moran!
[shouts]
Frank Baker: Blanche!
Blanche 'Monica' Moran: Sorry! I get so caught up in it sometimes, it's scary.
Frank Baker: Yes, it is.
-
Susie Diamond: Oh no, not the goddamn Luau Lounge again!
Frank Baker: What's the matter with the Luau Lounge? They don't salt their peanuts?
Susie Diamond: Singing 'Feelings' knee-deep in paper orchids and plastic tiki lamps is not exactly my idea of a fun evening.
Frank Baker: Fun? Who promised you fun? We get paid, remember!
-
Frank Baker: Jesus, when was the last time we played the Mallory?
Jack Baker: '78, November.
Frank Baker: Right, it was someone's birthday... Halloran?
Jack Baker: He had a daughter, sweet sixteen.
Frank Baker: Oh Christ! How could I forget? What a nightmare!
Jack Baker: She asked for it!
Frank Baker: I told Halloran we didn't do vocals, and he said, "What my Sissy wants..."
Jack Baker: "My Sissy gets!"
Jack Baker: [Leering] She got it, all right!
-
Susie Diamond: Listen, you're not going soft on me, are you? I mean, you're not going to start dreaming about me and waking up all sweaty and looking at me like I'm some sort of princess when I burp?
-
Susie Diamond: You don't give a fuck, do you, about anything?
-
Jack Baker: What do you want from me? You want me to tell you to stay, hmm? Is that what you're looking for? You want me to get down on my knees and beg you to save the Baker Boys from doom? Forget it, sweetheart. We survived for 15 years before you strutted onto the scene. Fifteen years. Two seconds, you're bawling like a baby. You shouldn't be wearing a dress; you should be wearing a diaper.
-
Jack Baker: Listen to me, princess. We fucked twice. That's it. Once the sweat dries, you still don't know shit about me. Got it?
Susie Diamond: I know one thing. While Frank Baker was home putting his kids to sleep last night, little brother Jack was out dusting off his dreams for a few minutes. I was there. I saw it in your face. You're full of shit. You're a fake. Every time you walk into some shitty daiquiri hut, you're selling yourself on the cheap. Hey, I know all about that. I'd find myself at the end of the night with some creep and tell myself it didn't matter. And you kid yourself that you've got this empty place inside where you can put it all. But you do it long enough and all you are is empty.
Jack Baker: I didn't know whores were so philosophical.
Susie Diamond: At least my brother's not my pimp. You know, I had you pegged for a loser the first time I saw you, but I was wrong. You're worse. You're a coward.
-
Frank Baker: I'm sorry. I'm a bit wound up.
Jack Baker: Frank, you're a fucking alarm clock.
-
Jack Baker: Would you stop that please.
Nina: [while loudly playing with her paddle ball] You want me to make some coffee? How 'bout some eggs? I can make you some eggs, if you want.
Jack Baker: Knock it off with that fucking thing... driving me nuts! Jack you want eggs, Jack you want coffee. You're not my housekeeper, I'm not your fucking father. I can't babysit you every time your mama gets an itch!
-
Susie Diamond: [singing] It's really killing that he's so willing to make whoopee.
-
Susie Diamond: l stayed at the Hartford one time. You should see the rooms. All satin and velvet. And the bed... royal blue, trimmed in lace clean as snow. Hard to believe a room like that don't change your life. But it don't. The bed may be magic, but the mirror isn't. Still wake up the same old Susie.
-
[repeated lines]
Frank Baker: You hit me!
Jack Baker: I told you I was gonna hit you.
-
Girl in Bed: [in bed, naked, under a bed sheet] Whatcha doin' over there?
Jack Baker: [it is almost sunset] Gotta go.
Girl in Bed: How come?
Jack Baker: Job.
Girl in Bed: [looks at the bedside clock] Funny hours.
Jack Baker: [puts on tuxedo] Funny job.
Girl in Bed: Will I see you again?
Jack Baker: [blandly] No.
Girl in Bed: [referring to the tux] You weren't wearing that earlier, were you?
Jack Baker: I brought it.
Girl in Bed: Thank God. You look like a creep.
Girl in Bed: [as Jack starts to leave] Hey. You got great hands.
-
Frank Baker: [in the Ambassador Lounge, in front of many people] Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to a very special lady with a very special way of singing a song. Miss Susie Diamond!
Susie Diamond: [talking into microphone, but it's turned off, so no sound is coming out] Ladies and Gentlemen...
Frank Baker: [whispering to her] Hit the switch. Hit the switch.
Susie Diamond: Switch?
Susie Diamond: [she accidentally flips a switch, microphone suddenly comes on, very LOUD] What FUCKING switch?
Susie Diamond: [embarrassed, softly] Pardon me.
Frank Baker: [later, outside, he says it like he can't believe it] "Fucking." She says ''fucking'' in front of an entire room of people!
Susie Diamond: l apologized.
Frank Baker: [mad] Did you hear it?
Jack Baker: [not mad, just repeating it for Frank's sake] Fucking.
Susie Diamond: Look, they were on their third Mai Tai by the time l got out there, anyway.
Frank Baker: [still mad] Fucking!
Susie Diamond: [defensively] For Christ's sake, l said it, l didn't DO it. Besides, l don't think they were that offended.
-
Jack Baker: So how's the cat food business?
Susie Diamond: Terrific. I'm doing vegetables now.
Jack Baker: What kind?
Susie Diamond: Carrots. Peas. None of the important ones.
Susie Diamond: [sings] Peas, peas, try our peas. Our peas are a delicacy.
-
Susie Diamond: Listen. The reason I came by last night. I'm thinking about leaving the act. I met this guy over New Year's, at the hotel. He liked my voice. He thinks I can sell cat food just by singing about it. Crazy, huh? I mean, it's nothing big. Mostly local stuff, probably.
Jack Baker: Take it.
Susie Diamond: Well, I haven't decided. I'm just thinking about it.
Jack Baker: Take it.
The Fabulous Baker Boys Quotes
Extended Reading
