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Heidi: Because every klezmer band in town is booked and I desperately need a band. But if I hire you, you have to be willing to "hora". Is that a problem?
Fannie: Oh man, at this point I'd fuck anyone.
-
[Family dinner, with Lorena and daughter as guests]
Heidi: [to her mother, Fern] Why are you apologizing to her? She's an unwed mother.
Fern: Well, better an unwed mother than just plain unwed.
-
Fannie: I bought a gift for you.
Steven: Oh, no.
Fannie: Actually, I lifted it from Borders. But it's perfect for your date. It's classical music.
Steven: Oh, thanks!
Fannie: Yeah, when you get Lorena alone, put this on. Classical music makes women horny. Just trust me on this one.
Steven: Thanks. "Best of John Philip Sousa".
Fannie: Yeah. Chicks dig it.
-
Fannie: You can fuck me if I'm wrong!
Steven: No, That's okay.
-
Steven: I look both ways when I cross the street.
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Heidi: [about Michael going in jail] Serves him right. I hope you rot there, fucking loser.
Fern: Heidi! That loser was almost your husband!
Heidi: Why can't you get it into your head he's a psychopath?
Fern: I'm *sure* he is. But he's also a very successful accountant.
-
Fannie: D'you know our high school reunion's comin' up? Ten years... D'you know how depressing that is? D'you think I don't wanna slash my fucking wrists when I think about that? Goddamn it!
-
Fannie: Steven, you drive like my fucking grandma! Wait... that's actually an insult because my grandma drives better than you do!
-
Heidi: Steven?
[Enters Steven's room and sees him in his underwear, with his dummy dressed as a child]
Heidi: ... Gross! You look like a child molester!
-
Fannie: [after being thrown out for throwing a tantrum in a Target] Fucking suburbanized shit!
-
Fannie: Oh hey, what are you doing on the Fourth?
Steven: I don't know.
Fannie: 'Cause I just ordered some kick ass fireworks. Like, even the chinks are scared of this shit.
-
Steven: What about the little girl?
Fannie: Look, don't worry, alright. Worst case scenario it's her kid, alright, at least you know she puts out.
-
Lou: [Loudly, after Heidi smashes his model battleship] You're grounded.
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Lorena: I have a daughter Steven, you have a dummy.
-
Bonnie: He would be a great brother.
Lorena: Who? Steven?
Bonnie: No, the dummy.
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Steven: I've been in love with you ever since I sat on my glasses.
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Fern: Are you Jewish?
Lorena: No, I'm Italian.
Fern: Same thing.
-
Lou: You sniffin' my airplane glue, too?
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Fern: You know Lou, when you have kids to raise, you yell.
-
Heidi: I wanted to sing. And you made me feel like a fool.
Fern: Honey, it's not my fault if you felt like a fool. I *always* supported you. I only wanted you to be more realistic.
The Dummy Quotes
Extended Reading
