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Chris: You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.
C.W.: I know, perceptive.
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C.W.: A lot of women have passed through this apartment. I can't say they were all winners, but...
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C.W.: It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.
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Betty Ann: You don't have a kosher bone in your body.
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C.W.: They all look the same upside down.
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C.W.: I hate her just like I hate that German Chancellor with the moustache.
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Betty Ann: You're searching my desk!
C.W.: I wasn't searching I was rummaging.
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Jill: Gosh, all this passion in a lousy insurance office!
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C.W. Briggs: They say, I always get my man.
Laura Kensington: Me too.
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C.W.: You have a nicely shaped buttocks.
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Betty Ann: You wormy little ferret!
C.W.: Now you're mixing metaphors.
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C.W.: I may be a scummy vermin but I'm an honest scummy vermin.
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C.W.: You snore like a grizzly bear with a sinus condition.
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C.W.: My clergyman - who happens to be wanted for pederasty - will vouch for me.
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C.W.: The house is messy. If I knew you were coming I'd have had the maid rearrange the dirt.
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C.W.: Hide in the bedroom.
Betty Ann: Can I sit down in there or will I catch something?
C.W.: Germs can't live in your blood - it's too cold.
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Chris: Many a man has gone to the gallows on circumstantial evidence.
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C.W.: I found the Picasso. It wasn't easy. I was looking for a woman with a guitar and it was all cubes. It took me two hours to find her nose.
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Betty Ann: Who do you think I am, a peroxide little secretary with her brains in her sweater and whose ass you pinch?
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Betty Ann: You hate any woman that doesn't have a double digit IQ.
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C.W.: Never trust a woman who whistles for her own cab.
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Betty Ann: Sorry I'm late.
Betty Ann: No problem. It's only an hour and 15 minutes.
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C.W.: Are you divorced or widowed? Did your husband commit suicide? I could understand that.
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C.W.: I can't stand her.
Betty Ann: Don't pay attention to him. He's a sleazy little megalomaniac who's afraid of women.
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C.W.: If you've got a cold, someone's got to rub your chest down with Vick's.
Jill: If anyone rubs my chest down they'd better bring a ring.
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Laura Kensington: You have a fresh mouth. I don't think I like it.
C.W.: I tend to grow on people. We could meet later and I could grow on you.
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Laura Kensington: I have a strawberry birthmark on my thigh. Want to see it?
C.W. Briggs: Sure, when can I take the full tour?
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C.W.: We'll have lunch. I know a great restaurant you'll love. Gestapo food.
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C.W.: Don't work too late. The bags under your eyes are getting bigger.
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C.W.: There's a deck of cards with naked women on it.
Laura Kensington: Let me guess, you use it to play solitaire.
C.W.: I used to date the six of spades.
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C.W.: Are you going to take your coat off? It hasn't rained in this apartment in 20 years.
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Laura Kensington: I'll slip into something a little bit more comfortable. Wait for me in bed.
C.W.: More comfortable than that? What are you gonna put on, Jergens lotion?
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Betty Ann: So what, you always get your kicks fondling women's shoes?
C.W. Briggs: Once in a while I'll fondle a whole woman...
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C.W.: The New York City Police want to give me a lifetime achievement award.
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Al: [Watching Jill walk away] My God, that girl's got a body that won't quit!
C.W.: Quit? It won't take five minutes off for a coffee break.
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Al: So did you tell her who's boss?
C.W.: Is she kidding, talking to me like that? It's 'cause she thinks she's smarter... you know, 'cause she graduated from Vassar and I went to driving school.
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C.W.: Let me have the cherry cheesecake and a prune danish and a couple of Hershey bars, oh and I should have something sweet. Let me have some chocolate covered raisins.
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Jill: I'd love to, but you have to have me at home and in bed by midnight.
C.W.: That's exactly what I was planning.
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C.W.: This is a very smart burglar and you guys have trouble figuring out who did it when you get a confession.
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C.W.: I didn't do it and i gotta have time to prove it, otherwise they're going to lock me up in a concrete building and you'll only be able to insult me on visiting day.
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Betty Ann: You misunderstand me. I dreamed you and I finally wound up together.
Chris: That's funny because I didn't hear any screaming.
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C.W.: Did I really throw you out of bed?
Laura Kensington: Why? Are you planning on using the insanity defense?
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Betty Ann: Dont bother showing me to the door. Someone might think we're together.
C.W.: What, do I look like an organ grinder?
Betty Ann: No. Just an organ.
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C.W.: So, should we... get out of here and find someplace where we can start making up for lost time?
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion Quotes
Extended Reading
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion
Director: Woody Allen
Language: English,French Release date: August 24, 2001