The Chumscrubber Quotes

[repeated line]

Various: It's for school.

Lee: He won't die!

Billy: You are such a pussy.

Lee: ...He's stronger than he looks!

Billy: [laughs towards Lee]

Lee: You do it then!

Billy: No fucking way, Lee!

Billy: [Hands Lee his pocket knife] Here. Take it.

Lee: What if he tries to grab the knife away from me, or something?

Billy: I don't know, just fucking stab him really quick...

Lee: Like where?

Billy: Stab him in the fucking stomach, I don't know!

Lee: He's going to bleed all over the floor, Billy!

Billy: Who fucking cares! Do it!

Lee: [Interrupting] Shut up!

Billy: Come you little pussy! Do it, you bitch!

Lee: ...Don't push me!

Billy: Stab him! Fucking kill him!

[Lee lunges toward Charley]

Charley Bratley: Ow!

Billy: Oh, shit...

Charley Bratley: You stabbed me in the stomach!

Lee: I did it! I did it Billy...

Billy: ...Is it deep?

Lee: Is it deep, Charley?

Charley Bratley: [pauses] Fuck you!

Crystal Falls: I probably would have ended up with a football player if I hadn't met you. And I'm not gonna lie - you've really kept it interesting, but I'm done.

Billy: What the fuck are you talking about?

[repeated line]

Mrs. Johnson: I just thought you should know that, in no way whatsoever, do I blame you for Troy's death.

Crystal Falls: [after Crystal's friends have mocked Troy's death to humiliate Dean] Look, I just wanted to apologize for what happened back there.

Dean Stiffle: Why? Did you do it?

Crystal Falls: No, but my friends did.

Dean Stiffle: Oh. Some pretty nice friends you got there.

Crystal Falls: What are you saying? It's better to have no friends at all?

Dean Stiffle: Actually, yeah. Yeah it is.

Mrs. Johnson: [at Troy's memorial] It's my fault. I know it is. I didn't even know him... I didn't know my own son.

Dean Stiffle: Troy wanted to play guitar in a rock band. Be famous. But he knew he wasn't any good, and he felt stupid for wishing that. He had a crush on this girl since he was 13... That he never talked to - but he probably wished he would've. He liked you. But he felt sorry for you. He was afraid that he'd be like his dad. He was really, really smart. But he kept all his ideas to himself, unless you asked. He took great pictures of people without them even knowing... I miss him, you know? He was my friend. He was my best friend. And I hate myself, that I didn't even know he was about to do this.

[pause]

Mrs. Johnson: ...Thank you.

Crystal Falls: [Billy is playing Charlie's tuba] What are you doing?

Billy: I was thinking of going out for marching band. It seems like that's what the chicks are into, right Crystal?

Crystal Falls: Oh yeah, Charlie nailed me all night long. It was unreal.

[Billy throws down the tuba, destroying it]

Crystal Falls: Why the hell did you do that for, Billy?

Billy: Because I'm a stupid bastard.

Mr. Peck: Who put that knife in the wall?

Billy: I did.

Mr. Peck: You're going to fix that.

Billy: It's my room...

Mr. Peck: No, this is not your room. This is a room in my house. This is my room.

Billy: ...Then you can fix it.

Billy: [to Charley] Hey, shitballs, come here. I want to show you something. Now, when you get to high school, if anyone tries to kick your ass - well, you're probably gonna get your ass kicked anyways, but if you weren't such a pussy, you could try this. Come at me, hit me in the chest.

[Charlie weakly hits him]

Billy: No, really come at me like you got a pair.

[Charlie lunges at Billy, who tosses him across the room]

Billy: Good! That was good!

Crystal Falls: Oh, my God, Billy! Are you hurt, Charley?

Lee: [Interrupting] He's about half your size, man!

Billy: Are you fucking kidding me? We're fucking kidnapping this kid! Am I the only one who fucking remembers that?

Lee: You're such a dick, Billy.

Crystal Falls: How do you eat that stuff?

Dean Stiffle: What, this?... Pretty much in a standard way.

Crystal Falls: You know, if I ate that everyday, I'd have a big fat ass.

Dean Stiffle: Is that your greatest fear?

Crystal Falls: No, but it's my mom's greatest wish.

Dean Stiffle: What? That you be fat?

Crystal Falls: No, just fatter than her, anyway.

Dean Stiffle: Sounds healthy.

Dean Stiffle: I read the statistics, that the average kid sees something like, 10,000 dead bodies on TV before he turns 18.

Crystal Falls: Is that what it was like? Like TV?

Dean Stiffle: No - it wasn't like that at all.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: How do you feel about the suicide of your best friend in the world?

Dean Stiffle: [pause] Real shitty.

Billy: It isn't deep.

Lee: Well, fucking pardon me!

Charlie Stiffle: [playing a video game] Son of a bitch!

Mrs. Stiffle: Charlie! I am doing Veggie Force!

Dean Stiffle: Dad, if you write about me again in another one of your stupid books, I'm going to kill you.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Stupid? There are several major book chains around this country that will disagree with you on that point.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Mrs. Johnson suspects that Troy might have been selling drugs to some other kids at school.

Dean Stiffle: Yeah?

Dr. Bill Stiffle: How do you feel about that?

Dean Stiffle: I feel that it must have been unfulfilling for him.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: That's very interesting. Why do you say that?

Dean Stiffle: Because he killed himself.

Crystal Falls: Dean, you're not crazy.

Dean Stiffle: You know... there are several major book chains that would be willing to disagree with you on that point.

Mr. Parker: Those kids again, Lee?

Lee: We're doing a group project.

Mrs. Parker: With them, Lee? You think they care what grades you get?

Lee: Mom...

Mr. Parker: Look, son, you let your grades go now, maybe you don't get into a top tier school.

Lee: Yeah.

Mr. Parker: You don't get into a top tier school, maybe you settle for a second-rate job. Maybe you don't have the life you want. Maybe each and every day you wake up, and want to crawl back into bed, and tell the world to go straight to hell.

Mrs. Parker: We're just saying, you've worked too hard to blow it in your last year.

Mr. Parker: We've all worked hard together, Lee. So, what do you say champ? Hop in the car?

Lee: ...It's for school.

Crystal Falls: You really don't care what people think, do you?

Dean Stiffle: No, I really don't.

Crystal Falls: That's a nice trick.

Dean Stiffle: Thanks, I studied in the far east.

Crystal Falls: Maybe you can show me how it's done?

Dean Stiffle: Step one? Years of ridicule.

Crystal Falls: Is it true that you found Troy?

Dean Stiffle: Why?

Crystal Falls: I was... just wondering.

Dean Stiffle: Just wondering - so you want me to tell you a bunch of gory details, is that it?

Crystal Falls: [Crystal begins to walk away] It's impossible trying to talk to you.

Dean Stiffle: Crystal, come on in!

Crystal Falls: Dean I need your help...

Dean Stiffle: [Troy's hanging from a rope tied to the ceiling] It's Troy. Look, Troy's back!

Crystal Falls: That's not funny!

Dean Stiffle: Come on, Crystal. You remember Troy... you guys were friends, right?

Troy: She wasn't my friend. Is that what she said?

Dean Stiffle: Oh, well - Troy says you guys weren't friends.

Crystal Falls: Dean, there's nobody here.

Troy: Tell her to fuck off!

Dean Stiffle: I don't think Troy wants to see you right now, so...

Crystal Falls: Dean, Troy's dead! I mean he killed himself...

Dean Stiffle: No, no, no! No, he's back. He's not dead. Troy, tell her you're not dead.

Troy: I am not dead.

Dean Stiffle: You see, Crystal?

Troy: ...But who could call this a life. Well - here we go.

[Troy falls from the rope onto the floor]

Dean Stiffle: Troy...

Crystal Falls: Dean?

Dean Stiffle: Troy...

Crystal Falls: Dean, stop it.

Dean Stiffle: [Troy's shadow is cast over the wall towards Dean] What do you want? Look this wasn't my fault! Okay?

Dean Stiffle: [Towards Crystal] He didn't even tell me, okay? He was my best friend and he didn't even tell me he was going to kill himself! I could have stopped him. I wish I could have stopped him...

Crystal Falls: Dean... Dean, Charley's going to get hurt!

Dean Stiffle: ...It's just a beer, mom.

Mrs. Stiffle: You don't have to explain yourself to me Dean, I trust you... I wonder what that'd be like. If we could just switch roles - You could be the parent, and I would be the child, and you could tell me what to do and I would listen to you, and I would trust you...

Dean Stiffle: Are you okay, mom?

[pauses]

Mrs. Stiffle: I'm supposed to be making a casserole right now for Troy's memorial service... I don't know what's wrong with me. My basic energy level has just been noticeably low, lately.

[Mrs. Stiffle starts to laugh]

Dean Stiffle: Mom, I'm sorry... I have to go.

Mrs. Stiffle: No, do not explain yourself to me Dean, I told you not to do that.

Mrs. Johnson: Hello, Allie!

Mrs. Stiffle: Carrie... hi! How are you?

Mrs. Johnson: Am I interrupting?

Mrs. Stiffle: No, come in. I'm just in the middle of making dinner - would you like a glass of wine?

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, well I left the car running. I just wanted to come back and return your dish and say thank you. It has been such a relief to not have to cook lately, everyone has been *so* nice.

Mrs. Stiffle: [Carrie holds the dish out for Allie to take] ... Oh.

Mrs. Johnson: What?

Mrs. Stiffle: This dish...

Mrs. Johnson: Oh! Oh my God - Is this not the right one? Oh, I got so many, I mean... I've been jotting around all night returning them. Like I said, everyone has been so nice.

Mrs. Stiffle: ...I don't believe I brought over a casserole.

Mrs. Stiffle: [Runs to go check on the dinner] Could you hang on just one second, Carrie.

Mrs. Johnson: [Carrie follows Allie from the doorway to the kitchen] Allie, am I making a mistake here?

Mrs. Stiffle: Bill and I were meaning to come over, Carrie, really. You just get so busy.

Mrs. Johnson: No, but I'm certain. I mean, you came over. We had coffee. We talked. Right? Or am I... just imagining all of this? Is that what I'm doing here, am I just imagining all of it?

Mrs. Stiffle: ...I'm sorry Carrie. We just get so busy sometimes.

Mrs. Johnson: [Starts to back away out of the kitchen and back to the doorway] I'm so embarrassed... I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, here you are preparing a nice family dinner, and I just come in and interrupt everything with no reason at all!

Mrs. Stiffle: [Follows Carrie to the doorway] Carrie, why don't you stay for dinner?

Mrs. Johnson: I really can't. I have so many dishes to return, tonight. Everyone has been so *unbelievably* nice! So we'll see you on Sunday, Allie?

Mrs. Stiffle: Sunday?

Mrs. Johnson: Oh, don't tell me that I forgot your invitation, too!... Troy's memorial. It's this Sunday.

Mrs. Stiffle: Of course Carrie, right. We're looking forward. We'll be there.

Mrs. Johnson: Oh. And I... I wanted to let you know, just in case you were wondering...

Mrs. Stiffle: Yes?

Mrs. Johnson: In no way, whatsoever, do I blame you for Troy's death.

Mrs. Johnson: [Hands Allie the dish and walks out] Goodnight!

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Dean, a young life was taken - and from the moment it happened, you ignored it like it was nothing! You didn't even tell any of the adults there at the party, could you explain that?

Dean Stiffle: I just didn't think that you guys would...

Dr. Bill Stiffle: What?

Dean Stiffle: Care!

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Dean, I know that Troy was your best friend.

Dean Stiffle: Actually, we weren't really friends. We hung out sometimes, that's all.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Did you have a better friend than him?

Dean Stiffle: ...I don't really have any friends dad, you know that.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Right, so strictly speaking, Troy was your best friend. And how do you feel about the suicide of *your* best friend? In the world?

Dean Stiffle: Real shitty.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Come on, son. Make an effort for me?

Dean Stiffle: Dad, I told you before, I'm not all broken up about it! And I'm supposed to be? I'm just not.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: You're really not?

[Dean falls silent as Bill pulls out his notebook]

Dean Stiffle: ...No. Sorry, I...

Dr. Bill Stiffle: [Bill starts to write in his notebook] No, no. I understand how someone might respond like that.

Dean Stiffle: ...What are you writing? Dad, I thought we were just talking man-to-man, here...

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Just one second.

Dean Stiffle: Dad, if you write about me again in another one of your stupid books - I'm going to kill you.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: [Bill stops writing] Stupid? There are several major book chains around this country, that would disagree with you on that point.

Dean Stiffle: Alright, dad...

Dr. Bill Stiffle: The Happy Accident alone is going to pay your college tuition!

Dean Stiffle: Alright!

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Fine... Now let me ask you this, Dean. Mrs. Johnson suspects that Troy might have been selling drugs to some of the kids at school.

Dean Stiffle: Yeah?

Dr. Bill Stiffle: How do you feel about that?

Dean Stiffle: I feel that it must have been unfulfilling for him.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: That's very interesting. Why do you say that?

Dean Stiffle: Because he killed himself...

Crystal Falls: You all right? I mean, after what Billy did this morning?

Dean Stiffle: It's fine. I don't care.

Crystal Falls: I'm Crystal.

Dean Stiffle: I know. Everyone knows who you are.

Crystal Falls: You don't like to talk much, do you? I mean, or is it just that you don't like talking to me?

Dean Stiffle: What do you want?

Crystal Falls: I just want to say I'm sorry, that's all.

Dean Stiffle: Oh, you were apart of that?

Crystal Falls: No, but they're my friends. The guys who did it.

Dean Stiffle: Oh. Nice friends you have.

Crystal Falls: Well, better to have no friends at all?

Dean Stiffle: Honestly? Yeah. Yeah it is. Yeah.

Crystal Falls: You know that's why you get so much shit, right? The way you act like you're so much smarter than everyone else?

Dean Stiffle: Well, I don't torment people I don't know...

Crystal Falls: I thought you said you didn't care.

Dean Stiffle: I'm talking about Troy. But since you can't apologize to him for this morning, I guess apologizing to me is enough to make yourself feel better, is that right?

Crystal Falls: You know what? I was really wrong. You're definitely not smarter than the rest of us.

Dean Stiffle: Oh? And why is that?

Crystal Falls: ...Because Troy was my friend.

Dean Stiffle: Hello?

Crystal Falls: Dean?

Dean Stiffle: ...Jesus, can't you guys just leave me alone?

Crystal Falls: I'd love to Dean, but I can't.

Dean Stiffle: Yeah, why not?

Crystal Falls: I need your help.

Dean Stiffle: Yeah, I doubt that.

Crystal Falls: You know it all, huh?

Dean Stiffle: What do you want, Crystal?

Crystal Falls: Well, you know when Billy said he kidnapped your brother?

Dean Stiffle: Yeah, that was a pretty lame bullshit job, huh?

Crystal Falls: No, it was no bullshit. He did take a kid, he just took the wrong one.

Dean Stiffle: The wrong what?

Crystal Falls: The wrong kid. Even though he has nothing to do with you, he won't let him go.

Dean Stiffle: ...I don't believe you.

Crystal Falls: [Sitting on a bench overlooking the neighbourhood] How old are you?

Charley Bratley: Thirteen.

Crystal Falls: Then why are you so small?

Charley Bratley: I don't know. Just am... My dad put me on this bulk 2000 for a while, this powder stuff? It ended up costing him $400, but after a couple of weeks, I got really bad diarrhea. I ended up losing, like, eight pounds. My dad went ballistic.

[Crystal and Charlie both laugh together. Charlie takes a puff of a cigarette and coughs]

Crystal Falls: You don't smoke, do you?

Charley Bratley: Sure... Well, no.

Crystal Falls: Well here's a secret...

Crystal Falls: [Takes the cigarette from Charlie] Don't act like somebody you're not. You do that long enough, you'll forget you were acting. And so will everyone else.

Mr. Peck: Who's the kid?

Billy: Charley.

Mr. Peck: Damn, you're teeny-tiny.

Billy: I'm holding him for ransom.

Mr. Peck: Oh...

Charley Bratley: Yeah, I should probably get home. My mom's getting married tomorrow.

Mr. Peck: I was married once. Problem was my wife never really understood me... she even said that. "I don't understand you." What do you suppose that means? Makes no sense to me.

Billy: ...Okay, dad.

Officer Lou Bratley: Okay - so, now, you want to tell me about this fight at the mall?

Dean Stiffle: No. Not really, no.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Dean, make an effort for me, please. I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for all this, officer.

Officer Lou Bratley: I'm all ears.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Dean?

Dean Stiffle: ...The guy at the mall was Billy. He and the other two forced me to steal drugs from my friend, Troy.

Officer Lou Bratley: Troy? Who's this Troy?

Dean Stiffle: Troy Johnson. He's dead.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: He committed suicide, sir.

Officer Lou Bratley: I don't understand.

Dean Stiffle: I told them no, so to force me to do it, they kidnapped my brother.

Officer Lou Bratley: Wait a minute, are you kidding me? You got a son who's kidnapped?

Dean Stiffle: No, wait a second, listen. They got the wrong kid. And they said if I didn't get the stuff from Troy, they were going to kill him.

Officer Lou Bratley: Oh, you just said Troy, who's dead.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: He is, officer. Dean...?

Dean Stiffle: So I did it, only Charlie - my little brother, Charlie, switched the drugs on me. And I wound up with a bag of my mom's Veggie Force.

Officer Lou Bratley: Veggie Force?

Dr. Bill Stiffle: It's this vitamin line she hocks.

Officer Lou Bratley: Veggie Force! I know that stuff. Right, I know, Veggie Force, right. Okay. Yeah... you wouldn't happen to know if they make a weight gainer for kids?

Dr. Bill Stiffle: I can check I guess.

Dean Stiffle: ...Anyway, that's why we got in a fight. Cause he wouldn't let the kid go.

Officer Lou Bratley: Which kid?

Dean Stiffle: The kid who was kidnapped.

Officer Lou Bratley: Okay. I think I understand. You were fighting at the mall with a guy who's kidnapping and drug smuggling with a guy who killed himself.

Dean Stiffle: ...Yeah.

Officer Lou Bratley: Well, that's great Dean, you know? Only there doesn't happen to be any reports around here of any missing kids, so how do you explain that?

Dean Stiffle: I can't... I can't explain that.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: [Interrupting] Officer, can I...?

Officer Lou Bratley: Well, I mean, what's his name? This missing kid, this kidnapped kid, what's his name?

Dean Stiffle: He's called Charley.

Officer Lou Bratley: Charley what?

Dean Stiffle: Charley Br...

Dr. Bill Stiffle: [Interrupting again] Officer Bratley, could you step outside a minute, please? I'd like to talk to you in private.

Dean Stiffle: ...O-Officer Bratley?

[Dean answers the phone to Billy]

Dean Stiffle: ...What?

Billy: Dean?

Dean Stiffle: What do you want?

Billy: We got Charlie.

Dean Stiffle: Who?

Billy: Your brother. We kidnapped your brother.

Dean Stiffle: What are you talking about, man?

Billy: I got him right now, man. He's scared shitless.

Dean Stiffle: [pauses] Why did you kidnap my brother?

Billy: So you know I'm not fucking around, I want the stuff from Troy.

Dean Stiffle: I already told you...

Billy: [Interrupting] I don't think you're listening. You are going to *get* me Troy's drugs.

Dean Stiffle: Or what?

Billy: Don't push me, psycho!

Dean Stiffle: [Dean walks downstairs and finds his brother sitting on the couch] ... Or what?

Billy: I'll kill him. That's what, I'm going to kill him... I'm not fucking around man, I swear to God, I'll cut off his fucking head!

Dean Stiffle: [pauses to look at his brother] Fine. Kill him.

[Billy hangs up]

Crystal Falls: What did he say?

Billy: ...Maybe he really is crazy.

Crystal Falls: Billy, what did he say?

Billy: He said for us to kill him.

Charley Bratley: So, who are you guys calling?

Lee: Your brother.

Charley Bratley: Who?

Lee: Your brother, Dean.

Charley Bratley: I don't have no brother.

Lee: [pauses] ... Charlie Stiffle?

Charley Bratley: [Shakes his head] Charley Bratley.