The Caine Mutiny Quotes

[Regarding Captain Queeg]

Lt. Keith: Well, he's certainly Navy.

Lt. Keefer: Yeah. So was Captain Bligh.

[Discussing Captain Queeg's sanity]

Lieutenant Tom Keefer: Will you look at the man? He's a Freudian delight; he crawls with clues!

Captain DeVriess: Disappointed they assigned you to a minesweeper, Keith?

Ensign Willie Keith: Well, sir, to be honest, yes, sir.

Captain DeVriess: You saw yourself on a carrier, or a battleship, no doubt.

Ensign Willie Keith: Yes, sir, I had hoped...

Captain DeVriess: Well, I only "hope" that you're good enough for the Caine.

Ensign Willie Keith: I shall try to be worthy of this assignment, sir.

Captain DeVriess: She's not a battleship or a carrier; the Caine is a beaten-up tub. After 18 months of combat it takes 24 hours a day just to keep her in one piece.

Captain Queeg: Ahh, but the strawberries! That's - that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with - geometric logic - that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox DID exist! And I'd have PRODUCED that key if they hadn't've pulled the Caine out of action! I, I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officers -

[breaks off in horror, becomes hesitant]

Captain Queeg: Umm... naturally, I can only cover these things roughly, from - memory... but if I've left anything out... why, you just ask me - specific questions and I'll be - perfectly happy to answer them... one by one.

Chief Budge: [Queeg is distracted while the Caine is turning] Hey, Meatball! Am I seein' things or are we about to run over our own tow line?

Meatball: That's crazy; we can't be - we ARE about to run over our own tow line! What are they DOIN' up there?

[at the Senior Officer's Mess Hall]

Captain DeVriess: Tell me, Keith. Now that you've had a chance to study the "Caine" more closely, do you like her any better?

Ens. Willis 'Willie' Seward Keith: The tour was very interesting, sir.

Captain DeVriess: The ship too messy for you?

Ens. Willis 'Willie' Seward Keith: [Keefer walks in] Well, that's a difficult question, sir.

Lt. Tom Keefer: It's a RIDICULOUS question! The question is, is this mess a ship?

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Get that red-headed fellow over there, that one there!

Lt. Keith: Sir, it's impossible to tell which one is red-headed. They're all wearing their helmets.

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Keith - you're an idiot!

Whittaker: Mr. Maryk, Mr. Keith. The captain wants a meeting with all officers, right away.

Lt. Maryk: Now? At one o'clock in the morning?

Whittaker: Yes, sir.

Lt. Maryk: Do you know what it's about?

Whittaker: Yes, sir. Strawberries.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: Doctor, you have testified that the following symptoms exist in Lieutenant Commander Queeg's behavior: rigidity of personality, feelings of persecution, unreasonable suspicion, a mania for perfection, and a neurotic certainty that he is always in the right. Doctor, isn't there one psychiatric term for this illness?

Doctor Dickson: I never said there was any illness.

Lt. Steve Maryk: Will you take our case?

Lt. Barney Greenwald: I'd much rather prosecute.

Lt. Steve Maryk: [disappointed] Well, I guess I can't blame you.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: [in a more friendly tone] I'll take your case.

[LT Greenwald has just questioned LCDR Queeg about the incident involving the yellow dye marker]

Capt. Blakely: Mr. Greenwald, there can be no more serious charge against an officer than cowardice under fire.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: Sir, may I make one thing clear? It is NOT the defense's contention that Lieutenant Commander Queeg is a coward; quite the contrary! The defense assumes that no man who rises to command a United States naval ship can possibly BE a coward, and that, therefore, if he commits questionable acts under fire, the explanation MUST be ELSEWHERE!

Ens. Willis 'Willie' Seward Keith: How do we plead?

Barney Greenwald: Your case depends on Maryk.

Lt. Steve Maryk: Well then how do I plead?

Barney Greenwald: [oozing sarcasm] Not guilty, of COURSE! You're a great Naval hero!

[first lines]

Admiral: And so today you are full-fledged ensigns. Three short months ago you assembled here from all parts of the nation, from all walks of life: field, factory, office and college campus. Each of you knew what the fighting was about, or you wouldn't have volunteered. Each of you knew that the American way of life must be defended by life itself. From here on your education must continue in the more demanding school of actual war. Wearing the gold stripe of ensign in the United States Navy, you go down to the sea to fight in the toughest conflict of all time. Your fellow Americans share my confidence that you will serve the navy and the country with honor and distinction. Good luck, and good hunting.

[last lines]

Captain DeVriess: [Heavy with authority] Keith.

Lt. Keith: Yes sir?

Captain DeVriess: Take her out.

Lt. Keith: Aye, aye, sir!

Lt. Keith: Single up all lines!

Crewman: Single up all lines!

Lt. Keith: Stand by to cast off!

Crewman: Stand by to cast off!

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Anyone notice anything peculiar about Seaman First Class Urban? A shirt-tail hanging out of trousers is, I believe, regulation uniform for a bus boy, *not,* however, for a sailor in the United States Navy. These are some of the things we're going to start noticing again. Mr. Maryk, who is the morale officer?

Lt. Steve Maryk: We don't have one, sir.

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Who, then, is the junior ensign?

Lt. Steve Maryk: Keith, sir.

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Mr. Keith, you are now appointed the morale officer. In addition to your other duties, you are to see that shirttails are tucked inside trousers.

Lt. Keith: Aye, aye, sir.

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: If I see one more shirttail flapping while I'm captain of this ship - woe betide the sailor; woe betide the OOD; and woe betide the morale officer, I kid you not!

[Greenwald staggers into the Caine crew's party, inebriated]

Lt. Barney Greenwald: Well, well, well! The officers of the Caine in happy celebration!

Lt. Steve Maryk: What are you, Barney, kind of tight?

Lt. Barney Greenwald: Sure. I got a guilty conscience. I defended you, Steve, because I found the wrong man was on trial.

[pours himself a glass of wine]

Lt. Barney Greenwald: So, I torpedoed Queeg for you. I *had* to torpedo him. And I feel sick about it.

[drinks wine]

Lt. Steve Maryk: Okay, Barney, take it easy.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: You know something? When I was studying law, and Mr. Keefer here was writing his stories, and you, Willie, were tearing up the playing fields of dear old Princeton, who was standing guard over this fat, dumb, happy country of ours, eh? Not us. Oh, no, we knew you couldn't make any money in the service. So who did the dirty work for us? QUEEG did! And a lot of other guys - tough, sharp guys, who didn't crack up like Queeg.

Ensign Willie Keith: But no matter what, Captain Queeg endangered the ship and the lives of the men.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: He didn't endanger anybody's life; YOU did, *all* of you! You're a fine bunch of officers.

Lt. JG H. Paynter Jr.: You said yourself he cracked.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: I'm glad you brought that up, Mr. Paynter, because that's a very pretty point. You know, I left out one detail in the court martial. It wouldn't have helped our case any.

[to Maryk]

Lt. Barney Greenwald: Tell me, Steve, after the Yellowstain business, Queeg came to you guys for help and you turned him down, didn't you?

Lt. Steve Maryk: [hesitant] Yes, we did.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: [to Paynter] You didn't approve of his conduct as an officer - he wasn't WORTHY of your loyalty! So you turned on him. You ragged him - you made up songs about him. If you'd given Queeg the loyalty he needed, do you suppose the whole issue would have come up in the typhoon?

[to Maryk]

Lt. Barney Greenwald: You're an honest man, Steve, I'm asking you. You think it would've been necessary for you to take over?

Lt. Steve Maryk: [hesitant] It probably wouldn't have been necessary.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: [muttering slightly] There!

Ensign Willie Keith: [horror-stricken] If that's true, then we *were* guilty.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: Ah, you're learning, Willie! You're learning that you don't work with a captain because you like the way he parts his hair; you work with him because *he's GOT* the job, or you're no good! Well, the case is over. You're all safe. It was like shooting fish in a barrel.

[long pause; strides toward Keefer]

Lt. Barney Greenwald: And now we come to the man who *should* have stood trial. The Caine's favorite author. The Shakespeare whose testimony nearly sunk us all. Tell 'em, Keefer!

Lieutenant Tom Keefer: [stiff and overcome with guilt] No, you go ahead. You're telling it better.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: You ought to read his testimony. He never even heard of Captain Queeg!

Lt. Steve Maryk: Let's forget it, Barney!

Lt. Barney Greenwald: Queeg was sick; he couldn't help himself. But you, you're *real* healthy. Only you didn't have one tenth the guts that HE had!

Lieutenant Tom Keefer: Except I never fooled myself, Mr. Greenwald.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: I'm gonna drink a toast to you, Mr. Keefer.

[pours wine in a glass]

Lt. Barney Greenwald: From the beginning you hated the Navy. And then you thought up this whole idea. And you managed to keep your skirts nice, and starched, and clean, even in the court martial. Steve Maryk will always be remembered as a mutineer. But you, you'll publish your novel, you'll make a million bucks, you'll marry a big movie star, and for the rest of your life you'll live with your conscience, if you have any. Now here's to the *real* author of "The *Caine* Mutiny." Here's TO you, Mr. Keefer.

[splashes wine in Keefer's face]

Lt. Barney Greenwald: If you wanna do anything about it, I'll be outside. I'm a lot drunker than you are, so it'll be a fair fight.

Ensign Willie Keith: Sir, you don't like the Navy, do you?

Lt. Keefer: Who called the "Caine" the Navy?

Barney Greenwald: I've read the preliminary investigation very carefully and I think that what you've done stinks.

Lt. Keith: Well, if that's the way you feel about it, why are you taking the case?

Barney Greenwald: I didn't say I'd take it. I told legal I'd have a talk with Mr. Maryk. Whether I take it or not depends on what he has to say.

Lieutenant Tom Keefer: Steve, maybe you'd better get yourself another lawyer.

Barney Greenwald: Try it. Eight other officers have already turned it down.

Lt. Comdr. Challee: Mr. Keith, how long have you been in the navy?

Lt. Keith: A little over a year, sir.

Lt. Comdr. Challee: Do you know how many years Lieutenant Commander Queeg served at sea?

Lt. Keith: No.

Lt. Comdr. Challee: As a matter of fact, Lieutenant Commander Queeg has served over eight years. I ask you: which of you is better qualified to judge if a ship is foundering?

Lt. Keith: Myself, sir, when I am in possession of my faculties and Commander Queeg is not.

Lt. Comdr. Challee: Tell me, Mr. Keith, how would you describe this loss of faculty? Did the captain rave or make insane gestures?

Lt. Keith: Well, no, sir.

Lt. Comdr. Challee: After being relieved, did the captain go violently crazy?

Lt. Keith: Well, the captain was never crazy either before or after being relieved. There are other forms of mental illness.

Lt. Comdr. Challee: Thank you for your expert opinion. Are you aware that the captain has been pronounced completely rational by three qualified psychiatrists?

Lt. Keith: They weren't on the bridge of the Caine during that typhoon, sir.

Lt. Keith: [eagerly] Sir, I spotted a lot of Japanese aircraft, broad of the starboard bow! Position angle 20!

Captain DeVriess: Angle 20.

Lt. Keith: Do you see 'em, Captain?

Captain DeVriess: [disgustedly] If the war lasts 10 years, Keith, you may learn to tell the difference between aircraft and seagulls.

Lt. Keith: I made a mistake, but I don't see why I should be singled out for it. Everyone's goofed off around here. The Caine's a slack ship. The men act like a pack of cutthroats and the decks look like a Singapore junk.

Captain DeVriess: I take it then you must also strongly disapprove of me.

[Keith hesitates]

Captain DeVriess: Go ahead, Keith, man to man.

Lt. Keith: Sir, I'm in no position to approve or disapprove. I only know my conception of a captain seems different from your own.

Captain DeVriess: I'll take it under advisement. Since you feel so bitter, perhaps what's in the dispatch will brighten your day. As you can see, Keith, I'm being relieved of command. Next week this time, you'll have yourself a new captain: Lt. Cmdr. Philip Francis Queeg. Feel better?

Lt. Keith: Definitely, sir!

Doctor Dickson: If I may speak, sir, I would like to protest the counsel's twisting of words. There's a big difference between real mental illness and minor mental disturbances.

Barney Greenwald: Let me put it this way, doctor: could Captain Queeg have been disabled by the severe stain of command?

Doctor Dickson: That's absurdly hypothetical.

Barney Greenwald: Is it? Have you ever had any sea duty, doctor?

Doctor Dickson: No.

Barney Greenwald: Have you ever been at sea?

Doctor Dickson: No.

Barney Greenwald: How long have you been in the Navy?

Doctor Dickson: Five months.

Barney Greenwald: Have you ever had any dealings with ship's captains before this case?

Doctor Dickson: No.

Barney Greenwald: Then I suggest that you cannot set yourself up as an authority on the strain of command, and thus you may be completely wrong about Captain Queeg.

[to the prosecutor]

Barney Greenwald: Your witness.

Captain Queeg: [after bawling out Ensign Keith] Willie?

Lt. Keith: Sir?

Captain Queeg: You look worried. Oh, I know that a man's shirt is a petty detail, but big things are made up of details. Don't forget: for want of a nail a horseshoe was lost, then the whole battle. A captain's job is a lonely one. He's easily misunderstood. Forget that I bawled you out. It was for the good of morale of all concerned. Okay?

Lt. Keith: [cheering up] Yes, sir.

Lt. Keith: Darling, you were wonderful.

May Wynn: Thanks. I'm surprised your mother let you out.

Lt. Keith: I had to be with her. I should have told you yesterday that I couldn't make it for dinner. I'm sorry.

May Wynn: Willie, order me a drink and then we'll fight.

Lt. Keith: Leo, two Scotch and waters, please. Darling, let's not spoil the night. I've only got a couple of days left. I'm leaving Sunday.

May Wynn: How do you expect me to feel, leaving me standing there all alone? Willie, why didn't you introduce me to your mother?

Lt. Keith: I wanted you to meet her, but... well, there's a time for everything.

May Wynn: I'm sure.

[raising her glass in a toast]

May Wynn: To the most important woman in your life: Mom.

Lt. Keith: May, stop it!

Lt. Steve Maryk: Stillwell, steady as you go! Willie, note the time. Captain, I'm sorry, but you're a sick man. I'm relieving you as captain of this ship under Article One Eighty-Four.

Captain Queeg: I don't know what you're talking about! Helmsman: left one-eighty!

Petty Officer 1st Class Stillwell: Mr. Keith, what do I DO? YOU'RE the officer of the deck!

Captain Queeg: I told you to come left, and now come left - and FAST!

Lt. Steve Maryk: I'm sorry sir, but you're not issuing orders on this bridge anymore. I've relieved you. I take full responsibility.

Captain Queeg: Mr. Maryk, you're under arrest! Go below to your cabin! Left to one-eighty!

Lt. Steve Maryk: Helmsman, right standard rudder. Come to new course zero-zero-zero.

Petty Officer 1st Class Stillwell: Mr. Keith, what do I DO?

Ensign Willie Keith: Come north, Stillwell. Mr. Maryk has taken command.

Captain Queeg: Mr. Keith, call your relief! YOU'RE under arrest TOO!

Lt. Comdr. Challee: Did Captain Queeg look sick?

Lieutenant Tom Keefer: Well, at the height of a typhoon, no one aboard a DMS looks very well.

Ens. Barney Harding: I have a confession to make! Height bothers me. I think I'm gonna be sick! I'd use my hat, but it's the only one I've got! Oh, those poor sailors!

Ensign Willie Keith: Take mine. I've got three others.

Ens. Barney Harding: Thanks. That's darn cordial of ya!

Ensign Willie Keith: Don't mention it!