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Chip Douglas: You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
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Chip Douglas: You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
-
Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig too deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
-
Steven: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
Chip Douglas: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
-
The Cable Guy: Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.
Steven Kovacs: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
The Cable Guy: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
-
Steven Kovacs: [using Cable Guy's advice to Robin] I don't listen to you. I pretend to understand, but I'm really just saying the things that I think you want to hear. And I'm interested in learning about every detail of the complicated splendor that is you.
Robin Harris: Oh.
-
The Cable Guy: Pretty smooth work! I set 'em up, you knock 'em down.
Steven Kovacs: What?
The Cable Guy: Robin. I got her back for you. I juiced her up!
Steven Kovacs: How do you know we're back together?
The Cable Guy: Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac, Steven.
Steven Kovacs: I don't want you messing with my life!
The Cable Guy: I know! I felt bad about the other night. I wanted to make it up to you.
[pause]
The Cable Guy: So what are you doing? Wanna catch a flick?
Steven Kovacs: Look, I appreciate you helping me out with Robin. But you have to understand. I'm going to have to work *extra* hard to not screw this relationship up again. You're a very nice guy, but I just don't have any room in my life for a new friend. Okay?
The Cable Guy: So, what are you trying to say?
Steven Kovacs: I don't want to be your friend.
-
Chip Douglas: This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
-
Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
Steven: Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
Steven: Just forget it.
Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
[laughs harder]
Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
-
Chip Douglas: Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.
Steven Kovacs: Why? What happened?
Chip Douglas: They had a lot of cats.
-
Chip Douglas: Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!
-
Chip Douglas: Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.
-
Chip Douglas: Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
-
Chip Douglas: Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
-
Steven: Can I get a knife or fork?
Wench: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven: There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
Wench: Dude, I got a lot of tables.
-
Chip Douglas: I'll juice ya up.
-
Chip Douglas: Come back here, so that I may brain thee!
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Chip Douglas: He who hesitates, masturbates.
-
Chip Douglas: Wake up lil snoozy! Smell the smelling salts!
-
Chip Douglas: I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
-
Chip Douglas: Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.
Steven Kovacs: Does this go to your boss?
Chip Douglas: No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.
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Chip Douglas: Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
Steven Kovacs: That is so nice!
Chip Douglas: Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.
-
Steven Kovacs: Hey, wait, come back!
Chip Douglas: Well look who decided to show.
Steven Kovacs: You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.
Chip Douglas: Was I? So I'm the tardy one?
Steven Kovacs: Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.
Chip Douglas: Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.
-
Chip Douglas: The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
-
Chip Douglas: I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
-
Chip Douglas: I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.
-
Chip Douglas: The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.
-
Chip Douglas: Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus!
-
Steven: You know, my brother is a speech therapist.
Chip Douglas: Tho?
-
Chip Douglas: You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink... just kidding. That's my humor!
-
Chip Douglas: You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.
-
Chip Douglas: What a place for an ending, huh? It's like that movie 'Goldeneye'!
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Chip Douglas: [On Steve's Answer Phone] Awwwww shit.
-
Sam Sweet: [Tape of his phone call to the police] Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something... There was this guy, he looked Asian... and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was... Asian.
-
The Cable Guy: Sounds like heart break to me.
Steven Kovacs: Well I really don't want to discuss it with you. Could you just install my cable please? I'm gonna go get dressed.
The Cable Guy: Suit yourself. No sweat off my sac. Oh by the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time!
-
Cable Guy: If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back. I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time.
The Cable Guy: [He and Steve are on horses about to charge one another] This is our destiny!
Steven: No it's not!
The Cable Guy: Yes it is!
Steven: No it isn't!
The Cable Guy: Yes it is!
Steven: Isn't!
The Cable Guy: T'is!
Steven: Isn't!
The Cable Guy: T'is!
-
Cable Guy: [Steven punches him] You're gonna have to do better than that, Steven. Steven. St-st-my lisp is gone!
[Steven punches him again; lisps]
Cable Guy: You thtupid thon of a bitch!
-
[the Cable Guy makes a slam dunk and breaks the glass panel above the basket]
The Cable Guy: I love this game!
-
The Cable Guy: Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.
-
Chip Douglas: [eating chicken at Medieval Times] Can I have your skin?
Steven Kovacs: Sure.
Chip Douglas: Check this out.
[places pieces of chicken skin over his face]
Chip Douglas: Silence of the lambs!
[imitates Hannibal Lecter]
Chip Douglas: Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again.
[bursts out laughing]
Steven Kovacs: Oh lord.
-
Steven Kovacs: Dammit. Son of a bitch! The cable's out.
-
Medieval Times host: Preferred customer my ASS!
-
Steven Kovacs: What's going on?
Chip Douglas: It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven.
Steven Kovacs: Is this a normal part of the show?
Chip Douglas: No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while.
Steven Kovacs: Is it safe?
Chip Douglas: Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on.
-
Steven Kovacs: You know, I'm embarassed to say this but I don't even know your name.
Chip Douglas: You really wanna know my name? You do?
Steven Kovacs: Sure.
Chip Douglas: [after pause] It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip.
[Smiles at Steven]
Steven Kovacs: Um... Goodbye.
-
Steven Kovacs: Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else?
Rick: Sure. Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.
-
Chip Douglas: HI! Is there a problem with your service?
Steven Kovacs: Yeah, my cable is out.
Chip Douglas: [Presents a cut cord] Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?
-
Chip Douglas: Cable guy!
[pounds on the door]
Chip Douglas: Cably Guy? Cable Guy!
[Rings the buzzer]
Chip Douglas: Cabla goobla!
-
Steven Kovacs: [Chip had hired a prostitute to entertain Steven] Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me!
Chip Douglas: Well I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER.
-
Steven Kovacs: What are you doing?
Chip Douglas: I'm just talking trash.
Steven Kovacs: You ruined the game.
Chip Douglas: I don't appreciate your tone, Steve. Friends aren't supposed to talk to each other that way...
Steven Kovacs: What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you.
Chip Douglas: Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.
-
Robin's date: [signaling the waiter] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me, hey what's the story with our chicken, man? Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet? Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend, if it's not too much trouble for you.
[the waiter walks off]
Robin's date: Okay, I'm sorry to put you out.
[Turns to Robin]
Robin's date: See the attitude?
-
Steven Kovacs: I hate you! Get out of my life!
Chip Douglas: He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.
Robin Harris: No, don't go. Steven, you are being an asshole!
-
Medieval Times host: Quickly, muster atop your steed. Buddy, get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding.
-
[Steven is in jail]
Chip Douglas: Hello, Steven, I came as soon as I could.
Steven Kovacs: What's your real name?
Chip Douglas: It's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now. We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV and I found a loophole in your case. I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial.
Steven Kovacs: Why are you doing this to me?
Chip Douglas: I didn't do this to you, you did this to you.
-
[Chip is danging over a ledge above the giant cable dish]
Steven Kovacs: You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!
Chip Douglas: No. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance! Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
[drops from ledge and freefalls towards dish]
-
Helicopter paramedic: Hang in there, pal! You're gonna make it, buddy.
Chip Douglas: Hey!
[helicopter paramedic learns forward]
Chip Douglas: Am I really your buddy?
Helicopter paramedic: Yeah, sure you are.
[an evil grin spreads across Chip's face]
-
Steven Kovacs: Guard! This is the guy who framed me. He set me up. Arrest him!
Chip Douglas: Hey Bernie, how's that sports package?
[Bernie gives him a thumbs up]
Chip Douglas: All right!
-
Chip Douglas: I just wanna hang out. NO BIG DEAL!
-
Rick: I have a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Check out some of these names: Murray Slaughter, George Jetson, Jean Luc Picard, there's even a guy who liked to be called "The Big Ragu".
Steven Kovacs: Carmine from Laverne & Shirley.
Rick: That's so sad that you know that. Anyway, the cable company has just fired somebody six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called Bewitched.
Steven Kovacs: So... He doesn't even work for the cable company.
Rick: Yahtzee! They booted his ass for stalking customers. This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up *tight*.
-
[they are playing Porno Password - the password is "Vagina"]
Chip Douglas: Penis. Penis. Penis...?
Robin Harris: Vagina?
Chip Douglas: YES! She said "vagina"! She said "vagina"!
Steven's father: I would've said "schlong".
Chip Douglas: Great. Now we're starting to get this.
-
[playing Porno Password - the password is "Nipple"]
Chip Douglas: Hard...
Robin Harris: Erection?
Chip Douglas: [sighs] No. But thanks for noticing.
-
Chip Douglas: [on answering machine] Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.
-
Chip Douglas: It was my treat.
Steven Kovacs: What do you mean it was your treat?
Chip Douglas: You know, I bought this time. You buy next time... Don't let your eggs get cold.
Steven Kovacs: Buy what?
Chip Douglas: What do you mean 'buy what'? The women.
Steven Kovacs: [after pause] Do... do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?
Chip Douglas: Of course she is. You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying her?
-
Chip Douglas: [after Steven has jumped on to the latter] Nice jump, Spider-Man!
-
Chip Douglas: [his first lines] Caaaaaaaable guuuuuuy!
-
The Cable Guy: Cable Guy!
Steven Kovacs: [in the shower] Oh, shit!
The Cable Guy: Caable Guuuy!
Steven Kovacs: I'm coming!
[grabs a towel, heads for the door]
The Cable Guy: [yells] Caaable guuuy!
Steven Kovacs: Don't leave!
[Steven reaches the door, peeks outside]
The Cable Guy: [leaving, sounding angry] Jesu Cristo!
-
Chip Douglas: [on answering machine] I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.
-
Steven: The cable guy is missing in action.
[talking with Rick on the phone]
Steven: Apparantly he is gonna be here between eight a.m. and my death.
-
Chip Douglas: [the police arrive at the satellite dish]
[mock terror]
Chip Douglas: Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz! "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"
-
Steven: I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she asked me to move out.
-
Chip Douglas: Reality isn't 'Father Knows Best' anymore. It's a kick in the face on a Saturday night with a steel-toe grip Kodiak work boot, a trip to the hospital, bloodied and bashed, for reconstructive surgery.
-
Chip Douglas: Squad 51 Squad 51, Man down. Possible back injury. Nancy! We're gonna need an IV with D5W and ring a fract team stat. Check vital signs. Administer lidacaine drip. Prepare to defibrillate. CLEAR!
-
[Steven has had enough playing "Porno Password" after being told the password is "clitoris"]
Steven Kovacs: I can't say that to my mother!
Steven's father: She can handle it.
The Cable Guy: It's just skin, Steven.
Steven Kovacs: I don't want to do it any more!
Steven's father: You're overreacting.
Steven Kovacs: No! You're all being fooled by him! He's not like this! H-He's a lunatic and a felon!
The Cable Guy: Whoa! Everybody just relax. We knew this would happen.
Steven Kovacs: Nothing is happening! Nothing is happening!
The Cable Guy: This is a safe place. You're with people who love you.
Robin Harris, Steven's father, Steven's Mother: We love you.
Steven Kovacs: I hate you! Get out of my life!
The Cable Guy: He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.
Robin Harris: [to Cable Guy] No.
[to Steven]
Robin Harris: Steven, you are being an asshole!
Steven Kovacs: What?
The Cable Guy: Do you see what's happening? You're hitting bottom.
[Cable Guy gets up from the couch and starts moving towards Steven]
Steven Kovacs: You stay away from me!
The Cable Guy: This is where the healing begins. Come on. Come on!
[quickly leans in close to Steven and whispers]
The Cable Guy: Robin showed me the birthmark on her left shoulder. It's *very* sexy
[slurps with his tongue]
The Cable Guy: [Steven proceeds to deck him; the family members gather around him in shock]
The Cable Guy: [nursing his wound] Thank you for the delightful evening, everyone. I guess I'll be leaving now.
[to Steven]
The Cable Guy: I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.
-
[the Cable Guy is speaking to Steven in prison over the phone; he puts his hand on the glass that is separating them]
The Cable Guy: I'm just here to comfort you. Touch it. You need human contact.
Steven: I will not touch it.
[the Cable Guy sets the phone down and begins unbuttoning his shirt]
Steven: What are you doing?
The Cable Guy: [shouting] I know how you're feeling right now!
Steven: [realizing what he's about to do] Don't do that.
The Cable Guy: [continuing to shout] I'm here for you!
[the Cable Guy jumps up next to the glass and tears away his shirt to place his chest against the glass]
Steven: Don't do that! You're gonna get me killed!
[a prisoner next to a horrified Steven looks over and makes a kissy face]
The Cable Guy: [whining] Oh, Billy...
[continues to moan and wail; then immediately drops the act]
The Cable Guy: I'm just messin' with ya.
[laughs hysterically]
The Cable Guy: Remember Midnight Express? Oliver Stone won the Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay. Awesome, awesome scene.
-
[on a gurney, Chip is about to be loaded onto a helicopter; Steven and Robin follow]
Chip Douglas: [weakly but amiable] You too are gonna be just fine. Take care of him, Robin; he's good people.
Steven: You never told me your real name.
Chip Douglas: You still wanna know my name?
Steven: [smiles] Yeah.
Chip Douglas: It's... Ricardo.
[Steven looks confused]
Chip Douglas: [grins] Ricky Ricardo.
[imitates Desi Arnaz's inimitable laugh]
Chip Douglas: Babalu!
[chuckles]
Chip Douglas: I'm just messin' with ya!
-
Steven: Hey! I'm Steven.
Heather: Heather.
Steven: Can I get you a beer?
Heather: How about a tequila?
Steven: Alright!
-
[as Steven is watching TV, an ad comes up for a TV movie based on the ongoing Sweet murder trial]
Narrator: [over footage of the Sweet trial] Tonight on UPN: The trial that's captured the nation. Everybody is waiting for the verdict, but you don't have to wait for the movie.
Eric Roberts: [as Sam Sweet, dressed in combat gear] Crybaby.
Eric Roberts: [as Stan Sweet, dressed in religious garb] I love you.
Eric Roberts: [as Sam] You've always been such a crybaby.
["Sam" aims the gun at his "brother" off-screen]
Eric Roberts: [as Stan] No, Sammy! Don't! Sammy! Sammy! Don't!
Eric Roberts: [as Sam] Look who's crying now.
[a gunshot is heard then images of Eric Roberts as the Sweet brothers facing each other is shown]
Narrator: Eric Roberts is Sam and Stan Sweet in "Brother, Sweet Brother. The Killing of Stanton Sweet". Parental discretion advised.
The Cable Guy Quotes
Extended Reading
