The Bride Came C.O.D. Quotes

Joan Winfield: Don't you get lonesome being here all alone?

Pop Tolliver: No, I like people. Not seeing many of 'em keeps me liking 'em.

Tommy Keenan: Do you mind if I drink that champagne? I've got to take a pill.

Joan Winfield: Do you feel poorly, Mr. Keenan?

Tommy Keenan: Not yet, but I expect to in 39 minutes.

Hinkle: What do you want from me? I'm not a bad guy. I go to a movie, a dog gets runned over, I'm the first guy to cry.

Peewee Defoe: I tell you what - you feel like getting runned over, I'll be glad to do the same for you.

Hinkle: [snarling as he walks away] Wise guy!

Peewee Defoe: [as a retort] Wise guy!

Pop Tolliver: Who's down there, or I'll shoot!

Steve Collins: Well, go ahead and shoot - only make sure you aim at me!

Pop Tolliver: Remember that bullet I whizzed right past your head?

Steve Collins: Yeah, for a minute I thought you trying to hit me.

Pop Tolliver: I was.

Pop Tolliver: What do you want with your eggs, bacon or ham?

Steve Collins: Bacon.

Joan Winfield: Ham.

Pop Tolliver: Okay, you'll both get bacon because I don't feel like cutting into a new ham.

Pop Tolliver: How do you want your eggs, up or over?

Steve Collins: Up.

Joan Winfield: Over.

Pop Tolliver: Okay, I'll make them all up so we don't get confused.

Sheriff McGee: If there's nobody else here, why are you cooking six eggs?

Pop Tolliver: I always eat six eggs for breakfast.

Sheriff McGee: [sees the table] And do you always eat those six eggs on three plates?

Pop Tolliver: No, those other two are for Coco here.

[the black bird perches on his arm]

Steve Collins: This is Californie, they were married by a justice of the peace from Nevada, so legally they're not married.

Lucius K. Winfield: Well if they're not married, that's fine.

Steve Collins: But they THINK they're married! And they're flying back to Los Angeles for their honeymoon!

Lucius K. Winfield: They think they are and they're not?

[laughs]

Lucius K. Winfield: That's the funniest thing I've heard in years! They think they are and they're not! And they've gone back for their honeymoon?

[stops laughing]

Lucius K. Winfield: What am I laughing about? That's my daughter.

Joan Winfield: [singsong] I'm not going anywhere with you!

Steve Collins: Oh yes you are!

Joan Winfield: No I'm not I'm not I'm nooooot.

Steve Collins: Then Stevie will just have to come in and taaaake you!

Joan Winfield: [pushes the dresser against the door to keep Steve out, he climbs in the window behind her, singsong] I'd like to see I'd like to see you taaaaaake me!

Steve Collins: [mocking singsong voice] Anything to oblige, anything to oblige, anything to oblige a laaaaady!

Allen Brice: What's wrong with me, may I ask?

Lucius K. Winfield: We've had horse thieves in our family, but no tenors!

[first lines]

Tommy Keenan: Hello Charlie! Got anybody important in there?

Charlie - Ambulance Driver: No Mr. Keenan, just a drunk.

Tommy Keenan: [irritatedly dissapointed] Why do ya bother with small fry?

[to policemen in the car with him]

Tommy Keenan: Just an hour till I go on the air and not one, single, juicy item. You boys have certainly let me down.

Policeman - Driver of Car #64: You're the one who was beefin' for reformin' Los Angeles; now that you got it, you're beefin' again.

Tommy Keenan: Hmph, I'll bet five minutes after I go off the air the whole town will break loose.

Policeman in Car #64: I always said, Tommy, you went on too early. People don't get ornery until after midnight.

Tommy Keenan: Well...

Police Station Dispatcher: Calling car number sixty-four, car number sixty-four.

Policeman - Driver of Car #64: This ought to be something.

Police Station Dispatcher: Don't forget it's only two days till the policeman's ball and you're way behind on your quota - Bradley.

Policeman in Car #64: How 'bout you buyin' a ticket Tommy?

Tommy Keenan: Um, no let me out here, it's the Embassy.

[gets out of the police car]

Tommy Keenan: Thanks boys! I won't buy a ticket but I'll be at the ball.

3rd Reporter: This morning Joan was married to Steve Collins, the pilot who abducted her. The newlyweds confided in me that they are going to South America on their honeymoon. They are probably flying over Rio De Janiero now, where beneath the unbelievably blue sky, with the strumming of guitars...

[voice fades out under Steve's voice]

Steve Collins: Oh Peetah?

Lucius K. Winfield: Yes son?

Steve Collins: A hundred and eighteen pounds.

Joan Winfield: Oh, a hundred and ten!

Steve Collins: A hundred and eighteen, and at ten dollars a pound, that's eleven-hundred eighty ya owe me.

Lucius K. Winfield: Ok son.

[Lucius and Pop laugh]

Lucius K. Winfield: One hundred and eighteen pounds: eleven-hundred and eighty dollars. Wh-what am I laughin' at? This is not deductable from my income tax.

[the scene splits to Joan brushing her hair by the window as Steve howls realistically like a wolf while lying in bed - they both smile and the scene fades out]