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Moondog: [to a pair of cops, waiting outside his home] It's about time you guys got here, I need help carrying my luggage!
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Moondog: One day I will swallow up the world, and when I do, I hope you all perish violently.
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Moondog: If I may suggest, your honor, I was told about this amazing rehab facility in the Virgin Islands that's got an open bar and 24 hour time massage. A little "jerky-jerk" to take the edge off you in the detox period. Drain the old jizz pipe with the anti toxins.
Judge: Excuse me?
Moondog: All due respect to my own personal fluid transition into my sobriety, I want to let you know the therapeutic value of a groin massage during the acute withdrawal phase is off the charts fucking medicinal!
Judge: It's not gonna happen!
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Moondog: Give me a lucky lotto triple seven and a cigar, would you?
Cash Register Guy: Sure.
Moondog: You don't sell acid, do you?
Cash Register Guy: No...
Moondog: That's too bad, man. This place used to.
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Lingerie: I love it when a plan comes together.
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Lewis: You know what I like the most about being rich? You can just be horrible to people and they just have to take it.
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Moondog: I mean, fuck, we're here to have a good time. I just wanna have a good time, until this shit's over, man. This life's gig a fucking rodeo and I'm gonna suck the nectar and fucking rawdog it till the wheels come off.
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Moondog: Keep the pool hot.
Jose the Pool Boy: I put it on 120 for you.
Moondog: That's what I'm talking about. Keep it there, baby, and add the chlorine. Cause I may have a gangbang when I get back. I'll invite your mother.
Jose the Pool Boy: Thank you Mr. Moondog.
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Lingerie: Fuck! I must've been high as a motherfucker when I hatched that plan.
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Captain Wack: Shit, man. Now I gotta feed my coke-addicted parrot.
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Lewis: You used to be a motherfucking ATM for me, boy. You have pissed away your talent on women and booze and total excess.
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Moondog: Now, what he failed to mention, that these dolphins have got a sort of corkscrew pecker. A little, whippy, winding ranky-cank thing. It's true, kids. It's sort of like a corkscrew. And it's orgy season. So hopefully, we will get to see something, some real wild stuff. Everybody's fucking, they're really horny this time of the season.
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Moondog: Man, I'm high. My nuts are throbbing right now.
Lingerie: First time I hit this shit, I nearly went into a coma. I forgot how to motherfucking breathe. What you see?
Moondog: The delights of 39 ladies.
Lingerie: What about those cartoons right there? Can you see them?
Moondog: Are we looking at the same screen?
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Captain Wack: It's prime mating season. Seaweed is an aphrodisiac.
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Lewis: I'm not even upset, even a little bit, that I was not included in the ceremonies.
Moondog: Oh, you thought you'd be included?
Lewis: No, well, like I said, I'm busy, anyway, so like I said, I'm not offended. And I just want to be clear, this doesn't have to do... with the incident a few years back.
Moondog: Oh, when you walked in and saw that...
Lewis: I didn't know she was changing.
Moondog: She said you stayed a little longer than a few seconds.
Lewis: Well, I used to mix signals back then. It was a confusing time. I would misread things often.
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Captain Wack: I only had four deaths on my watch.
Moondog: Only four?
Captain Wack: Four deaths in over eight straight years of dolphin touring. It's a terrific record. Now, I've been stripped of my license temporarily on five separate occasions but each time, I get it reinstated due to a technicality I never quite understood.
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Captain Wack: Don't fuck with Captain Whack. You will get whacked for fucking with Captain Whack.
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Moondog: I get all these things going, man, and they are all turning me on. And my wires are connecting upstairs and I start to hear music in my head. You know, and the world is reverberating back and forth and I hit the frequency and I start to dance to it. My fingers get moving, my head gets soupy, I'm spinning all over the fucking place, and the fucking words come out.
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Moondog: I don't want you to put a penny of that stuff in the bank. You know, I don't trust those Illuminati motherfuckers.
The Beach Bum Quotes
Extended Reading
