That's My Boy Quotes

[from trailer]

Donny: That's my boy!

[from trailer]

Jamie: Todd, your old man's here to see you!

Donny: WASSUP!

[Todd hurls his drink]

[from trailer]

Donny: [reads a magazine] Whoa, that's my boy! He moved out when he was eighteen, I haven't seen him since...

Brie: It says here he's one of the most successful hedge fund managers in the finance industry.

Champale: Maybe your son can help you...

Todd: You know what I do remember? You making me drive you home from the beach 'cause you got too drunk!

Donny: It makes sense to me. When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home!

Todd: I was eight!

[from trailer]

Donny: Give me another chance. Get to know me a little bit...

[from trailer]

Donny: I promise you, I'll never forget you again.

[gives him a gift]

Todd: You got me a gift... an earring? But I don't have a pierced ear.

Donny: Yeah...

[Donny jams the earring on his son's ear]

Todd: [his face smeared with blood] Am I bleeding?

Donny: I don't think so.

[from trailer]

Jamie: OH MY GOD! I just found my wedding dress covered in barf! And something else...

[inspects the dress]

Jamie: You puked on my dress, and then fucked it?

Donny: [laughs at Todd] You're a madman!

[from trailer]

Donny: What'd I do to his back?

Todd: Let me jog your memory...

[shows a tattoo on his back]

Donny: [laughs] The New Kids on the Block! The heads are all warped!

Todd: That's because I got it in third grade; my body grew!

[from trailer]

Jamie: [to Donny] Ever since you got here, Todd's been acting like a different person!

Donny: Do you have any AXE body spray?

Todd: No, Donny. I don't have any AXE body spray because I'm not a fucking douchebag.

Donny: That's a douchebag thing? When did that become a douchebag thing?

Donny: Hi, I'm Todd Peterson.

Hotel Desk Clerk #1: No, you're not. You're Donny Berger. You got your teacher pregnant.

Donny: Okay.

[Donny walks over to the next clerk]

Donny: Hi, I'm Todd Peterson.

Hotel Desk Clerk #2: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?

Donny: What room was my fiance in again?

Hotel Desk Clerk #2: Let me check, 641.

Donny: Thanks, you're a stud.

[the first clerk gives the second clerk a confused look]

Hotel Desk Clerk #2: Hey, when the legendary Donny Berger comes in here using a fake name, you go with it!

Hotel Desk Clerk #1: Okay!

School Buddy #1: What's a handjob?

School Buddy #2: I don't know, but I think I want one.

Donny: We were friends for 20 years, guy!

Vanilla Ice: We were friends until you banged my mother!

Donny: I didn't know it was her, I swear to god! It's not like her last name is Ice!

Vanilla Ice: You should'a known by the haircut!

Jim Nance: [about the IRS] You haven't paid taxes since '94, Donny!

Donny: What- I thought they were taking it out automatically!

Jim Nance: I told them that's what you thought and they said it's the stupidest thing they ever heard.

Strip Club DJ: And now looking hot and ignoring doctor's orders, let's welcome Amber.

[Amber comes on stage in a neck brace]

Kenny: What the fuck happened to her?

Amber: Fuck you, Kenny!

Strip Club Patron: Hey, what's up, RoboCop?

Donny: I'm going to prison if I don't get 43 large, so...

Vanilla Ice: What, you think I got that kind of money?

Donny: Of course you got that kind of money. Royalties from 'Ice Ice Baby', you must be fuckin' loaded!

Vanilla Ice: Man, listen: Queen took 50 percent, Suge took the other 60 percent. I fuckin' *owe* money when that shit gets played, man!

Chad: So Todd, how does one get into the hedgehog business anyway?

Todd: Oh, it's actually hedge funds.

Chad: [seething] You think you're better than me?

Phil: Hey look, this might seem weird, but do you think you would ever...

Donny: Bone your wife? Yeah, I mean I'd love to. She's a hot little number.

Phil: Well, you know, I was just gonna ask you for an autograph.

Donny: Oh, oh, I'm sorry! On her tits, or...?

Donny: Your mother was a math teacher and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself.

Todd: The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup does not make you a whiz kid, Donny.

Bridesmaid: So you actually knew Todd's father?

Donny: Of course I knew the guy. He was handsome, he had fuckin' great hair, uh, a Jedi with the chicks. Went down on girls for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver and he wanted to see others be happy.

Helen: Oh, I wish I could have met him.

Donny: [the waitress brings in drinks] Oh, alright, alright, now we're talkin'. Thanks, honey. What the fuck's your name? Jessica. All right. Hey, come on, here's to the kid! He's fuckin' gettin' all fucked up, huh? Tonight! Last night! Fuckin' last night of poontang for this kid!

[takes large sip from drink, then spits it out all over Jessica and Mrs. Ravensdale]

Donny: What the fuck is this?

Mrs. Ravensdale: It's water infused with cucumber, rose pedal, and harvest sandalwood.

Donny: It tastes like fuckin' dick infused with balls, and a side of fuckin' raw sewage jizz.

Masseuse: [sees 5 dollar bill in Donny's towel] What's this, sir?

Donny: Oh, that's just a little, eheh, tip if you give me a full package.

Masseuse: Oh, okay. That's a 150 dollar additional charge.

Donny: Heh, you're talkin' to the wrong guy. That's a little out of my price range.

Masseuse: It includes scalp treatment, reflexology...

Donny: How much is it to tickle my pickle? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. I just want you to just jerk it a little bit.

Todd: Donny! This isn't a brothel.

Todd: [after Jamie whispers in his ear] What? Agh! You fuck your brother?

[the crowd uproars]

Father Shakalu: Fucking white people.

Jamie: [after the wedding derails, to Todd] Don't you see? It's gonna be even better now! You're a mess, I'm a mess. Come on, Doc Shakalu, get your ass up here!

Father Shakalu: I gotta be part of this shit?

Jim Nance: Hey, hey, hey! You're killing me, man!

[Holds Belichick bobblehead]

Jim Nance: Don't mess with the genius!

Mary McGarricle: [after the Judge levies sentence against Miss McGarricle] Take care of our baby, Donny!

Young Donny: Miss McGarricle, I'll never stop loving you!

Judge: That is just fucking mental.

Donny: Chad, you're United States Marine USC, you're a disgrace to that uniform!

Jamie: He's not a Marine! He just buys his clothes on eBay so that Dad doesn't find out he's a modern jazz dancer!

Donny: What? That's possibly worse than the incest thing!

Donny: Mrs. Ravensdale, you wanna whip them knockers out? We'd love to see them.

Mrs. Ravensdale: All right, you know what? You are an imbecilic, immature, asinine, childish, cave man-like, hairy knuckled, single chromosomal, obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole who I would like to fuck hard and long!

Donny: So I'm going to go put a dent in that.

Phil: I would have loved to bang my freshman geometry teacher, Mrs. Weiss. I think she would have too, but I was too afraid to ask.

Steve Spirou: I would have killed to have sex with my 8th grade biology teacher Mrs. Cohn.

Gerald: I once stole my middle school librarian's glasses to wear while I masturbated. What's up with that?

Grandma Delores: In my day, when you got in trouble, the headmaster slapped your hand with his dick.

Todd: She wins.

[Getting caught in bed with Chad]

Jamie: Donny, Donny, you don't understand what's going on here.

Donny: I don't think Charlie Sheen would understand what's going on here.

[Catches Jamie in bed with Chad]

Donny: Wait... are you ser...? What am i seeing? With each other? Am I...? This is... Is he your stepbrother, at least? Or adopted, or something? No reply, so it's real. Oh my god!

[Miss McGarricle is handing back math tests]

Mary McGarricle: [On Donny's test] A+ I'm going to sit on your face tonight!

School Buddy #1: Hey Donny, what did you get?

[Donny's friend sees the comment on his test in shock]