That '70s Show Quotes

Michael Kelso: The truth is out there, man, it's out there.

Fez: No more for you.

[on Kitty's mother-in-law]

Kitty Forman: Red's mother is coming.

Midge Pinciotti: What's that pet name she has for you?

Kitty Forman: Whore.

Fez: You don't like me because I'm not from here.

Red: This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. This is about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner!

Fez: Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric.

Steven Hyde: So what?

Fez: So it's the saddest story in the world.

Steven Hyde: You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it.

Michael Kelso: C'mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.

Eric: You guys ask me for everything.

Michael Kelso: So, what's one more thing?

[repeated line]

Kitty Forman: Oh, Red you do care.

Steven Hyde: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.

Michael Kelso: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.

[everyone looks at him]

Michael Kelso: Naked! That's the way God intended.

Jackie Burkhardt: No way.

Michael Kelso: Why not? It'd be fun.

Donna Pinciotti: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.

Eric: So, you don't want to do it?

Donna Pinciotti: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.

Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.

Fez: Naked is dirty.

[singing]

Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

Jackie Burkhardt: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!

Steven Hyde: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.

Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?

All: No!

Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.

Steven Hyde: We can go to my house.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.

Steven Hyde: She's not even home, you moron!

[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]

Fez: Put on the top forty.

[Fez reaches over for the radio]

Steven Hyde: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!

Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Steven Hyde: I don't know. Tuck it in!

Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?

Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.

Steven Hyde: How long have you two been planning that line out?

Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.

Donna Pinciotti: You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.

Jackie Burkhardt: Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!

[she runs to the bathroom door]

Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I don't want to tell him!

[a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie goes out of the bathroom, they see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face side to side]

Jackie Burkhardt: I think he knows.

Eric: [Kelso, Jackie, Donna and Eric are in a drive in movie. Donna and Jackie screams and hides in the car, then Kelso gets Erics attention, then Eric shoves his face back, then Jackie grabs Kelso face] Donna, it's just a movie.

[Donna gets up. Then Kelso and Jackie starts kicking them in the head while making out]

Eric: Do you want to sit somewhere else?

Donna Pinciotti: So bad.

[they try to get out of the car while Kelso and Jackie were still kicking them]

Eric: What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?

Jackie Burkhardt: I'm pregnant.

[Eric gasps]

Donna Pinciotti: [outside. Donna is playing basketball with Eric. She runs and makes a shot, then she tosses the ball to Eric, which it hits his head, then he turns] Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?

Eric: Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else.

Donna Pinciotti: Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.

Eric: Not here.

[they run in the car]

Eric: [no audio] Jackie's pregnant.

[Donna makes a shocking face]

Jackie Burkhardt: [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?

Fez: [besides Kelso on the phone, Fez is on the phone, and he's telling Kelso what to say] Say, "Yes, it is."

Michael Kelso: [Fez puts the phone by his ear] Yes it is.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?

Fez: [to Kelso] "Yes, I do."

Michael Kelso: [phone by his ear] Yes, I do.

Jackie Burkhardt: You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?

Fez: [to Kelso] "No, describe it to me."

Michael Kelso: [phone by ear] No, describe it to me.

Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.

Fez: No, I don't know.

Jackie Burkhardt: MICHAEL!

[repeated line]

Red Forman: That kid's on dope!

[the guys are high in Eric's basement]

Steven Hyde: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.

Michael Kelso: I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.

Eric: Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.

Michael Kelso: I miss Eric.

Jackie Burkhardt: Well, you still have me.

Michael Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.

Jackie Burkhardt: Okay, well like what?

Michael Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.

Jackie Burkhardt: Michael.

Michael Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.

Red Forman: Forman, party of two.

Restaurant Hostess: Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours.

Red Forman: Here's twenty bucks.

Restaurant Hostess: Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes.

Red Forman: You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?

Restaurant Hostess: Okay we have something right now.

Red Forman: I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night.

[Repeated Line]

Michael Kelso: BURN!

[Kelso just found out about Eric being lame in the sack]

Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, I told you about Eric so you could help him, not make fun of him.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, but it's hard to help someone and burn him at the same time.

[Jackie gives him a cold stare]

Michael Kelso: Oh, come on, Jackie, it's funny! I mean, he must have been really bad!

Jackie Burkhardt: So were you.

Michael Kelso: [gaping in horror] OK, I don't think you know what you're saying because you called me your "Apollo Rocket of Love."

Jackie Burkhardt: But the way I said it was

[blandly]

Jackie Burkhardt: "Oh, Michael, you my regular Apollo Rocket of Love."

Michael Kelso: OK, I'm not hearing a difference.

Michael Kelso: Look, Jackie, I don't really know how to say this but... I don't want your stupid stuffed animals in my van.

[Jackie gasps and exits]

Michael Kelso: No, wait, Jackie! I didn't say *you're* stupid. Just all the stuff you like!

Donna: If you keep stuffing your face like this your gonna get...

Jackie Burkhardt: Don't you dare say it, you bitch!

Donna: Fat!

Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.

Laurie Forman: [Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]

Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!

Kitty Forman: I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother.

Eric: Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you."

Eric: [they're driving Kelso's cousin's car] Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?

Michael Kelso: Maybe he's, like, religious.

Steven Hyde: Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?

Michael Kelso: Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.

Steven Hyde: Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?

Fez: Sully must love bingo.

Eric: All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car.

Michael Kelso: Then who's car is it?

[police siren wails]

[referring to that Thanksgiving's events]

Red Forman: You mean with that ungrateful daughter, our dumbass son, and that drunk foreign kid

[pause]

Red Forman: it was better than last year.

[referring to Eric's failing grades]

Fez: Crack a book, you lazy son-of-a-bitch.

Eric: What happened between you two?

Fez: Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting.

Fenton: If you mean old and cracked, I agree.

Fez: I'll see you in hell!

Fenton: I'll be wearing your pants!

Red Forman: [to Eric] So, this is how an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.

Steven Hyde: That was like eight burns in one sentence.

Donna Pinciotti: An octo-burn. Let's get outta here.

Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!

Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?

Michael Kelso: Me!

Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!

Suzy Simpson: [on Fez coming on a "date" between her and Kelso] Michael, I thought it was going to be you, me, and a box of hot lead.

Michael Kelso: Well, now it's even better because it's you, me, and a box of hot Fez.

Michael Kelso: [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.

Eric: Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.

Michael Kelso: [pulling off pants] Well played.

Eric: [on the new water heater] This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.

Red Forman: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?

Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?

Red Forman: That's right.

Frank: I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hotdogs to teenagers.

Kelso: You got both your legs, Frank.

Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!

[a guardian angel shows Eric how his prom would have been had he not kissed Donna]

Eric: I went to the prom with *Big Rhonda*?

[a guardian angel shows Eric how his life would be had he not kissed Donna]

The Angel: Oh, but it only gets better. Eric, I'm now going to show you your future. Next stop - the '80s!

["The Safety Dance" is heard]

Eric: What was that?

The Angel: You'll find out.

Eric: You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.

Donna: No I couldn't. I want you. I need you.

Eric: Well, I never turn down a woman in need.

[wraps his arms around her]

Donna: You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing.

Eric: Then call me Able.

[kisses her]

Eric: Oh, a little mood music.

[turns on a clock radio. Romantic music about a dream plays while he kisses her]

Eric: [dissolve to Eric waking up alone in his bed] Damn.

Donna: [off camera] What's wrong?

Eric: [Eric screams] Aggh!

[Eric sees the real Donna kneeling next to his bed]

Eric: I mean... hey baby!

Michael Kelso: I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but...

[begins to cry]

Fez: [stares at kelso]

Steven Hyde: [stares at kelso]

Eric: [stares at kelso] Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle

Michael Kelso: I can't help it.

Michael Kelso: I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song

Michael Kelso: [begins to play ukelae, really badly while singing]

Steven Hyde: Hey I kno how you can start it.

[begins to sing]

Steven Hyde: You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore

Eric: My sister is such a whore

[begins to giggle]

Michael Kelso: [glares at hyde]

Red Forman: [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart]

[to Eric]

Red Forman: You need to grow up and learn some responsibility.

Eric: I love you too, Dad.

Red Forman: What? Stop being weird.

Eric: Thanks.

Donna Pinciotti: I love you, Eric.

Eric: I love... cake.

Eric: [in a later scene] Donna, it's just that... if I say it, and then we break up, what would I tell myself?

Donna Pinciotti: You could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you.

Eric: OK, I deserve that.

Donna Pinciotti: You have the van. We want to go home.

Michael Kelso: Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.

Eric: No, you don't.

Michael Kelso: I love parts of her.

Kitty Forman: I need someone who can take evil

[Laurie walks in]

Kitty Forman: How's mama's girl? I have a job for you.

Laurie Forman: Not interested.

Kitty Forman: It pays 10 dollars.

Laurie Forman: I'll do anything for ten dollars.

Kitty Forman: For once that's a good thing.

Donna Pinciotti: [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.

[Double take]

Donna Pinciotti: Eric? Oh my God, Eric!

Eric: [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!

[They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]

Eric: Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?

Michael Kelso: Winning!

[Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]

Donna Pinciotti: Eric... I can't believe you came for me.

Eric: Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...

[he can't find the words]

Donna Pinciotti: [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]

Michael Kelso: You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!

[walks off]

Red: [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again] Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?

Eric: I said no.

Red: What the Hell is wrong with you?

Kitty Forman: Dumbass!

[Red looks at Kitty in surprise]

Eric: Look, I have my reasons, okay?

Red: What the Hell could they possibly be?

Eric: Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?

Red: You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!

Jackie Burkhardt: Steven, do I really disgust you?

Steven Hyde: No. I disgust me because I'm supposed to be disgusted by you but I'm not.

Jackie Burkhardt: Me too! I mean, I like how scruffy you are.

Steven Hyde: Of course you do.

Leo: I saw a UFO once, man. It was just hanging there in the sky. Then it sent me a message, in big bright yellow letters. I told me I was gonna have a good year.

Steven Hyde: Leo, was this UFO at a football game?

Leo: Yeah, man! And the weird thing was, I was the only one freaking out about it!

[Hyde, Fez, and Kelso start to laugh]

Leo: Wait a minute. Good year? It was a terrible year, man!

Red Forman: [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart]

[to himself]

Red Forman: I love my job.

Eric: I love you too, Dad.

Red Forman: Oh, Eric, stop being weird.

Eric: Thanks, Dad!

Bob Pinciotti: [Bob has come over to the Foremans place after he cut down a tree that almost fell on Red] Red, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.

Red Forman: [Red's acting nice] I thought I never say this. I'm glad you're my friend.

[hugs Bob]

Bob Pinciotti: Red, I thought I'd never say this, you smell nice.

Kelso: Hi, I'd like an order of books, please.

Brooke: Could you be more specific?

Kelso: Could you be more beautiful?

Brooke: Could you be more lame?

Kelso: Yes.

Kitty Forman: [after throwing away Kelso's electronic football game] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?

Kelso: Yes! And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it!

[shoves his head in his pillow, reminiscent of a five-year-old]

Eric: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Red Forman: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass.

Michael Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.

Donna Pinciotti: Um, that's not how evolution works.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.

Steven Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.

Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.

Steven Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.

Michael Kelso: Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art.

Kitty Forman: Sex, it's not dirty.

Red Forman: It's not clean either.

Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I went on the pill.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You are going to be so popular.

[Red stole Bob's Christmas lights]

Kitty Forman: Oh, my god. I married the Grinch. I'm Mrs. Grinch!

[after setting the table for Thanksgiving dinner]

Kitty Forman: I feel like I'm forgetting something...

[the phone rings]

Kitty Forman: Oh, my God, I forgot your mom.

[Steven hits Jackie's new boyfriend because he calls her a bitch]

Jackie Burkhardt: Steven, what happened?

Steven Hyde: What? Nothing... just... somebody and then... the guy said 'bitch' and there's nothing.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. He called me a bitch and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?

Steven Hyde: ...No?

Jackie Burkhardt: Liar. I AM the bitch. And you LOVE me.

Fez: AH. This is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake.

Eric: Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?

Fez: We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don't show you that.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh my god. He called me a bitch, and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?

Steven Hyde: No.

Jackie Burkhardt: Liar. I am the bitch. And you love me.

[Eric's dream sequence during "A New Hope"]

Red as Obi: A Jedi's power lies within his own mi- are you even listening to me?

Eric as Luke: What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?

Red as Obi: No, I did not. Jedi knight. Jedi dumbass!

Eric: So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.

Fez: Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.

Steven Hyde: See, this is why your country lost the war.

Fez: My country never fought a war.

Steven Hyde: Yeah, big surprise.

Donna Pinciotti: Excuse me Jackie, when did you lose your soul?

Jackie Burkhardt: Cheerleading camp.

[Eric catches his parents having sex, and they find out]

Kitty Forman: Red, say something.

Red Forman: It's more fun than it looks.

Eric: Hey dad. You coming back inside?

Red Forman: Eric, I love your grandmother very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.

Eric: Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?

Red Forman: Eric, sometimes you got to play through the pain.

Eric: What?

Red Forman: I don't know. Just, get back in there.

Jackie Burkhardt: Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.

Eric: Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.

Donna Pinciotti: Me too.

Steven Hyde: Hear hear.

Fez: Yes.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?

[Everyone nods]

Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.

Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my god. You all hate Laurie?

[the gang nods]

Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.

Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, I'm so Brando.

Steven Hyde: Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie.

[on buying an economy car during the oil crisis]

Red Forman: The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.

[Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed]

Donna Pinciotti: Is that your hand on my ass?

Michael Kelso: It was an accident.

Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.

Michael Kelso: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.

Eric: [badly hungover] My head hurts.

Red Forman: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Red Forman: What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?

Eric: That it's offensive to the Devil?

[Jackie is beating up Laurie after one insult too many]

Donna Pinciotti: Whatever happened to Zen?

Steven Hyde: Where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.

[while being questioned by Canadian police]

Michael Kelso: If you call ham "Canadian bacon", what do you call bacon?

Eric: I got a B.

Red Forman: You couldn't get an A?

Kitty Forman: Aww honey, don't listen to him. You did super. And Steven, you did super duper.

Eric: Why does he get a duper?

[Cooking]

Kitty Forman: Where's my brown sugar?

Fez: I'm right here, sweetie pie.

Michael Kelso: Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.

Fez: Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?

Michael Kelso: No.

Steven Hyde: Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.

Eric: The weasel wouldn't pop out.

Michael Kelso: OK, ENOUGH.

Eric: Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.

Steven Hyde: That's a good one Forman.

Eric: I know, it just came to me.

Fez: Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.

Michael Kelso: This can't be happening to me.

Fez: Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.

Fez: I am so excited about Star Whores.

Steven Hyde: Fezzy, man... Star Wars.

Fez: Screw that.

[seeing a square dance]

Red Forman: It looks like 'Hee Haw' puked in here.

Jackie Burkhardt: You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study".

Michael Kelso: Come on. I never get to do anything fun.

Steven Hyde: God, you're dumb.

Michael Kelso: Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY".

Red: Well, we got vandals in this town. I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.

Laurie Forman: Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?

Kitty Forman: Oh, can it, Laurie. Eric you look pale. Let me see your eyes.

[Eric just looks down]

Kitty Forman: Look at me.

[Eric looks at Kitty, imagining her she was naked after seeing his parents having sex]

Kitty Forman: Do you have fever?

Red: [Eric looks at Red, and he's imagining him naked, too] I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. The fresh air will do you good.

Kitty Forman: [the camera turns around back to Kitty. Kitty is still naked and she wipes something off her chest] Eric, is something bothering you?

Eric: [looking at Kitty and Red a couple more times] God, make it stop!

[leaves the table]

Red Forman: Threats aren't going to work, Kitty.

Kitty Forman: Every newspaper you'll be reading, every nap you'll be taking, every football game you'll be watching, I'll be there, talking, talking, talking, talking.

Eric: Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight.

Michael Kelso: Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter.

[about Eric's parents]

Donna Pinciotti: I can't believe they're pregnant.

Eric: I can't believe they're still doing it.

Eric: Yeah, I mean, when the empire killed Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?

The others: Ahh, nooo...

Eric: No. He hopped on the Millenium Falcon, and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.

Kelso: Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.

Donna: How are you gonna do that?

Michael Kelso: By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.

Eric: So what are you gonna say?

Michael Kelso: Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.

Donna: Don't you think you should plan it out a little?

Michael Kelso: Does an astronaut plan out his missions?

Fez: What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?

Michael Kelso: Oh, you just wait and see.

Jackie Burkhardt: Well, if Donna's not gonna be here, neither am I.

Eric: Oh, Jackie, I'm sorry. What I meant was... BYE.

[on Valentine's day]

Kitty Forman: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face.

[Awkward pause]

Kitty Forman: OK.

[Kitty and Red start leaving]

Red Forman: Kitty, that was bad.

Kitty Forman: I know, keep walking.

[Kitt and Red finally leave]

Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

Fez: Who are you?

Rhonda: Fez, it's me Rhonda.

Fez: So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?

Rhonda: No. It's not kosher.

Fez: Who said?

Rhonda: [pointing to Jackie and Donna] They did.

Fez: Oh, really?

[turning to Donna and Jackie]

Fez: What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?

Donna Pinciotti: I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee.

Jackie Burkhardt: You said she was a sasquatch.

Donna Pinciotti: So did you.

Red Forman: This is a smoke detector.

Michael Kelso: Does that detect any type of smoke?

Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?

Red Forman: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

[Eric has a dream sequence with Donna]

Eric: Look at me. I weigh 80 pounds. Do you know why I'm bald? It's because my body is eating its own hair.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh Michael, you're prettier than Bowie.

Michael Kelso: I'm prettier than you.

[Kelso just told Jackie a list of embarrassing things he's done in his life, in an effort to be honest]

Michael Kelso: Oh, and that time we were about to fool around, and you asked me if I washed my hands, I had just actually finished playing with six dogs. Oh, but that's not nearly as bad as the time...

Jackie Burkhardt: OK, Michael. Enough. You know when I talked to you about honesty? Let's talk about SELECTIVE honesty.

Fez: And basic hygiene.

Michael Kelso: Hey guys, guess what I got?

Steven Hyde: VD?

Michael Kelso: No. A hundred bucks.

Eric: So money to treat your VD.

[Michael on Eric]

Michael Kelso: How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?

Fez: Not me.

Jackie Burkhardt: Not me.

Steven Hyde: Not me, man.

Michael Kelso: Thank you.

[Fez is interviewing for a job]

Nina: You're stubborn, under qualified and can barely speak English... Welcome to the DMV.

[about Donna]

Eric: She was drunk, in the middle of the afternoon. I mean, it was like Sue Ellen on 'Dallas'.

Kitty Forman: Bed checks, here we come.

Red Forman: Shh, Kitty, you're warning them.

Kitty Forman: I'm not warning anybody. Getting closer.

Bob Pinciotti: You know Red, that hurts.

Red Forman: So does a swift kick in the ass.

Bob Pinciotti: You know, Red, a kick in the ass isn't the solution to everything.

Red Forman: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with that, Bob.

Red Forman: Penny, you're cold. Go get a sweater.

[Cousin Penny leaves]

Red Forman: Eric, do I have to tell you to stop staring at your cousin?

Eric: Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?

Red Forman: No. I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

Red Forman: Every single Price Mart stock-boy will be trained in the Red Forman way.

Eric: Oh, you mean by undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?

Kitty Forman: Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately.

Red Forman: Like a hippie.

Kitty Forman: Is there something you want to tell us?

Red Forman: Are you on dope? Are you?

Kitty Forman: Because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...

Red Forman: ...my foot kickin' your ass.

Red: Nothing around this house is cheap.

Eric: Except for Laurie.

Laurie Forman: I am not cheap!

Eric: Free, whatever.

Donna Pinciotti: You want my honest opinion, Jackie? Fine. You always try to get people to do what you want, and it's not going to work on Hyde.

Jackie Burkhardt: That's not true. Now, you take that back and feel sorry for me.

Red Forman: Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.

Eric: [sarcastically] Gee, thank you daddy.

Michael Kelso: "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.

Red Forman: What are you doing here?

Michael Kelso: The explanation is in the note.

Red Forman: [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.

[Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]

Red Forman: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.

[Gives Kelso the money]

Michael Kelso: Yeah, Hyde's in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he's anyone's girlfriend yet?

Fez: Kelso, he's been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he's someone's girlfriend.

Ricky: Forman, who told you you could go on break?

Kitty Forman: I did.

Ricky: And who are you?

Kitty Forman: I'm his mother.

Ricky: Good enough.

Randy Pearson: [to Hyde, about Kelso] Your friend here might be pretty enough to pass off as Cher.

Michael Kelso: Yeah. That's not a bad idea, Andy Gibb!

[Red on Laurie and Michael]

Red Forman: This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.

Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.

Red Forman: [to Steven] If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed.

Kitty Forman: And we love you.

Michael Kelso: What does he have that I don't? I mean, I have the three things women want: I'm hot and I'm smart.

Donna Pinciotti: That's two things you moron.

Michael Kelso: Nuh-uh, hot counts twice.

Kitty Forman: [to Michael] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?

Michael Kelso: Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it.

[Kitty wants to redecorate the basement]

Red Forman: This is going to be expensive, isn't it?

Kitty Forman: Maybe.

Red Forman: Don't you like anything cheap?

Kitty Forman: I like you.

[Donna reads Hyde's elementary school profile]

Donna Pinciotti: Steven is destined to be one of the smartest people...

Steven Hyde: Nice.

Donna Pinciotti: ?in his cellblock.

[after Hyde makes a batch of special brownies]

Michael Kelso: One day, I'm gonna open a restaurant, and everything on the menu is gonna be special. So, when somebody comes in and says "Hey, Kelso, what's special on the menu?", I can say "Everything."

Steven Hyde: Hey Foreman, do you have any naked pictures of your Grandma?

Eric: No.

Steven Hyde: Ha ha. You do now.

Donna Pinciotti: What is it about you that drives me wild with passion and desire?

Eric: Well, I am... seventeen now.

Steven Hyde: I've been living in the basement.

Eric: You know? I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor. I just wrote if off to my changing teenage body.

Eric: I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid, and worth hearing.

Red Forman: Well that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America.

Kitty Forman: Red, there are five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Red Forman: Kitty, I've got two stages: anger, and drinking.

Laurie Forman: You know Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.

Red Forman: For God sakes. Don't let Donna suck your neck.

Eric: You smell great. What did you do?

Donna Pinciotti: I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time.

Eric: Hey I do the same thing in the shower.

Donna Pinciotti: What?

Eric: Nothing.

[Fez kisses Jackie]

Donna Pinciotti: What was so good about it?

Jackie Burkhardt: Do you know like Fez talks he sometimes rolls his Rs? Well, that's what he did in my mouth.

Fez: Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?

Steven Hyde: Well, the beer is stronger. And as a result, their women look prettier.

Fez: Then let's HAUL ASS TO CANADA.

Michael Kelso: Jackie and I are back together.

Laurie Forman: I understand. But, do you want to see my appendix scar?

Michael Kelso: Once again... WHAT'S-HER-NAME AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER.

Michael Kelso: Don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him.

Red Forman: Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.

Kelso: Guys - I just saw a UFO!

Steven Hyde: What an unbelievable coincidence! I was just telling Fez about how dumb you are!

Michael Kelso: [Kelso comes into the basement wearing a pair of goggles] Try hurting my eye now!

[Hyde kicks him in the shin]

Steven Hyde: [drawing a correlation with Kelso thinking he saw a UFO] Kelso, do you remember that time you thought you saw the abominable snowman?

Kelso: Yeah...

Steven Hyde: And what did it turn out to be?

Kelso: [not getting Hyde's point] Just a regular snowman...

Donna Pinciotti: Mom, when you and dad got into an argument, did you ever... You know...

Midge Pinciotti: What?

Donna Pinciotti: Well, have you ever... Stopped having sex with dad in order to win an argument?

Midge Pinciotti: You can do that?

Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, but...

Midge Pinciotti: You mean that if I stop having sex with your father, he'll paint the bathroom?

Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, but aren't you worried about how it can hurt the relationship?

Midge Pinciotti: Blah, blah, blah. I don't care. I'm getting my bathroom painted.

Red: [Red has a dream that he dies, and nobody shows up for his funeral]

Red: Where is everybody? Where are all my friends?

Kitty Forman: You don't have any friends, honey. I'm afraid it's a side effect of... telling people to stick it in their butts.

[Eric and Donna are dressing, after having sex]

Eric: You know Donna, you're a great study buddy. You make studying fun.

[Eric wants to impress Donna, so he gets her name tattooed on his butt by Leo]

Leo: Dude, Debby is gonna be real happy about this.

Eric: Who's Debby?

Leo: Hello? Your girlfriend, Debby? Jesus...

Eric: Leo, her name is Donna.

Leo: Oh... I can fix that.

Eric: Guys, I can't think Penny is hot. I mean, she's my cousin. That's like thinking my mom's... Whoa, I'm gonna stop right there.

Fez: I thought that about your mother, but I didn't stop there.

Red Forman: What the hell happened?

Steven Hyde: Eric made out with Laurie's friend.

Red Forman: Anything else?

Fez: Your son is a whore.

Kitty Forman: [about her mother] Dad, what is wrong with that woman?

Burt: Don't worry sweetheart. Her screaming at you means she loves you and understands you're going through a hard time. Just like her smashing your golf clubs means "Happy Anniversary".

Kitty Forman: My parents are coming tomorrow.

Red Forman: Oh, crap.

Kitty Forman: Red.

Donna Pinciotti: What's wrong with them.

Kitty Forman: It's a complicated situation.

Eric: Grandma yells, grandpa drinks.

[Leo just fired Fez from the PhotoHut]

Fez: But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?

Leo: Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking.

Steven Hyde: Leo... Once again... You are the boss.

Leo: And, I'm not looking.

[Hyde gives Fez the money]

Donna Pinciotti: Why does your dad want to ruin my dad's barbecue?

Eric: Well, my dad thinks that if your dad's barbecue is better than his, the russkies are gonna take over the planet.

[Eric took blame for Donna's smoking in school]

Donna Pinciotti: So how'd your parents react?

Eric: Surprisingly, not so good. It turns out that Red has a temper.

Donna Pinciotti: Do you think Eric could cheat on me with Shelley?

Michael Kelso: Donna, Shelley's a tramp. No guy could ever turn down a tramp.

Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my god. Is that true?

Steven Hyde: I don't know. Let's find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down?

Laurie Forman: No.

Steven Hyde: See?

Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, are you OK?

Donna Pinciotti: Yeah.

Jackie Burkhardt: How can you be OK? There's a college *woman* sleeping in Eric's bed.

Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, Eric's sleeping in the basement.

Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, stairs can't stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire can't stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire can't stop a high school horn dog.

Fez: Hey, guys. I was just showing Caroline the backseat of my Vista Cruiser.

Steven Hyde: Fez, that's not your car.

Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah, Fez. Foreigners aren't allowed to drive cars in this country, unless it's a cab.

Steven Hyde: Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?

Michael Kelso: Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.

Eric: Today?

Steven Hyde: Pimp gave you the holiday off, huh?

Laurie Forman: Yeah, he replaced me with your mom.

Steven Hyde: [about Kelso's shirt being in Laurie's room] Say, how'd THAT get there?

Michael Kelso: [trying to cover his affair with Laurie] That's funny. No - This isn't even mine! Yeah, this must be ERIC'S shirt.

Jackie Burkhardt: Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael.

Michael Kelso: Man, Eric's going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, 'cause I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must've sewed my name in it.

Jackie Burkhardt: Hum, I don't know, Michael...

Michael Kelso: Jackie, if I were lying I'd come up with a lot better lie than that.

Steven Hyde: Yeah, you'd think so.

Kelso's Date: [Looking at photos of Kelso's newborn daughter] Wow, she's even cuter than you.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, she wishes.

Michael Kelso: It's a girl!

[takes out pictures]

Michael Kelso: Here, look.

Donna Pinciotti: Aw, she's adorable! What's her name?

Michael Kelso: Betsy.

Jackie Burkhardt: [gasps in horror] A fat girl's name!

Jackie Burkhardt: [about Hyde] What he needs is a kick in the nads.

Kitty Forman: It's the holidays, we say 'sleigh bells'.

Michael Kelso: [Michael arrives at the door to pick up Laurie for a date] Hello, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up your daughter for our date.

Steven Hyde: Man, you're dating Laurie?... That's not "going where no man has gone before"; that's going where *every* man has gone before.

Kitty Forman: Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.

Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my god what is she doing here? She could ruin everything.

Eric: Oh, don't worry. She isn't here today as a math teacher who's failing me. No, she's here today as a cradle robbing slut.

Steven Hyde: I got busted for possession.

Leo: Join the club.

Steven Hyde: Yeah, thanks.

Leo: No, I mean join the club, man. We meet every Thursday. We're trying to raise money for a field trip to Amsterdam.

Red Forman: Oh and uh, here's a 20.

Laurie Forman: Will that cover for gas?

Kitty Forman: Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case.

Eric: You know, I could use some gas money.

Red Forman: [laughs] Yeah... and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass when it hops.

Eric: Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?

Kelso: A collector never stops collecting, Eric.

Leo: Hey man, you missed your shift at the Photo Hut. You better have a damn good excuse.

Steven Hyde: I got busted.

Leo: Damn. That's a good excuse.

Red Forman: Do you know how they treat their criminals in Russia? First offense, five years in Siberia. Second offense, ten years. Believe you me, there is no third offense.

Kitty Forman: Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels.

Jackie Burkhardt: Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing. Isn't that funny?

Eric: Okay... no more for the cheerleader.

Steven Hyde: You know what your problem is? You're really cute, but nobody ever told you to shut your piehole.

Jackie Burkhardt: You think I'm cute?

Steven Hyde: SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE.

Red Forman: Bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm going to...

Eric: ...kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah yeah...

[Eric catches Jackie and Hyde]

Jackie Burkhardt: It's just a meaningless fling, okay? We can stop whenever we want.

Eric: Well, then maybe you should.

Jackie Burkhardt: Why do you even care?

Eric: BECAUSE YOU'RE BREAKING UP THE BAND, YOKO.

[the guys go to a wrestling match]

Steven Hyde: Hey, can we get a move on? If I miss that 20 midget free for all, I'm gonna be super-pissed.

[after finding out that Eric kissed another girl]

Donna: Why'd you do it?

Eric: Well, I have it on pretty good authority that I'm a dumbass.

Bob Pinciotti: uh-heh

Red Forman: OK, Bob, What is it?

Bob Pinciotti: I'm just curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?

Red Forman: Steven? He's a little rebellious, just needs some direction.

Bob Pinciotti: Apparently he's getting it, Red. I kind of walked into your living room and he and Kitty were in some sort of provocative embrace. I think he's putting the moves on your wife.

Red Forman: Ooh my God. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob.

Bob Pinciotti: H... Hold on Red. I... I... I could have been mistaken.

Red Forman: You know what you saw. Get the damn gun.

[Red on young people]

Red Forman: Get a job, HA. It's just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between.

[Red groans]

Eric: Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?

Steven Hyde: The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.

Eric: Ah.

Red Forman: Idiots.

Steven Hyde: Looks like Shelley has a thing for Foreman.

Fez: Yes, and Foreman has a thing for Shelley. And it's in his pants.

Fez: Need a refill?

Burt: Sure. Thanks.

[to Laurie]

Burt: When did they get a house boy?

Fez: Caroline, I have to break up with you.

Caroline: Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.

Fez: No... um... it's because... Donna and I are in love.

Caroline: WHAT?

Jackie Burkhardt: Ewww...

Fez: Please tell her, Donna... Please?

Donna Pinciotti: [whispers] What if she tries to kill me?

Fez: You're a giant, you can take her.

Jackie Burkhardt: Don't pity me because I'm beautiful.

Donna Pinciotti: I pity you because you're dumb.

Steven Hyde: Jackie, I am really, really sorry and I'll never do it again.

Jackie Burkhardt: [Jackie looks at him with tears in her eyes] You know, that's just what Michael used to say.

[Eric wants to propose to Donna]

Michael Kelso: Forman, I'm saying this to you, as a friend who likes to see you get hurt. Don't do it.

Michael Kelso: Jackie, when you told me to be honest, I decided that I'm gonna be completely honest. I'm going to tell you the truth about everything I've ever lied to you about. I have a list that Hyde helped me put together. Thanks again, Hyde.

Steven Hyde: [grinning] No problem, buddy.

Jackie Burkhardt: Ok, but, why are they here?

Michael Kelso: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out, that it's not completely honest, unless your friends are allowed to watch.

[Jackie and Donna need something that's in Kelso's room, so they sneak in at night]

Michael Kelso: [wakes up] Jackie? Donna?

[Jackie and Donna freeze]

Michael Kelso: Is this a dream?

Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yeah, Michael. This is a dream.

Michael Kelso: Are we gonna do it?

Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yes, Michael. We're gonna do it.

Michael Kelso: Ok. Donna first.

Red Forman: I'm glad he's in prison for bribery. People like him give a bad name to Republicans.

Eric: Yeah, all the honest ones, like Richard Nixon.

[Everybody moves away from Eric]

Red Forman: What did you just say?

Eric: Uhh... I said Nixon was framed, and Kennedy was a commie?

Red Forman: Damn right.

[Kelso is clumsy with a gun]

Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, careful with that.

Michael Kelso: Don't worry, guns don't just go off by accident.

Donna Pinciotti: What about Eric's hamster in fourth grade?

Eric: Oh, no, my hamster went upstate to live with a new family upstate. Right?

[Nobody says anything]

Eric: Oh, my god. You killed my hamster.

Michael Kelso: It wasn't my fault. The gun went off by accident.

Fez: Guys, I'm in pain.

Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, I know, Fez. It hurts when a girl you like ignores you.

Fez: No. I mean I kissed her, and now I am in PAIN.

Donna Pinciotti: Eww.

Red Forman: So, you mean, we met by you bumping into my ass?

Kitty Forman: I guess so.

Red Forman: Ok, but if Eric asks, I punched out a marine, defending your honor.

Kitty Forman: And, I wasn't drunk, I was reading for the blind.

Red Forman: Deal.

[Jackie's dad got arrested]

Red Forman: Look, Jackie. I don't what to say except... your dad's rich, isn't he?

Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah.

Red Forman: Well, you can use that to get him out of prison.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my god. That's such a good idea. I'll do that. You know, it's true. In this country, the rich get treated better than most people.

Red Forman: Yeah.

[sarcastically]

Red Forman: I'm so glad I took some shrapnel to make that possible...

Jackie Burkhardt: Me too.

Jackie Burkhardt: I want Michael to give me that stupid promise ring.

Fez: Look, Jackie, Kelso is very sensitive.

Steven Hyde: Girlish, even.

Fez: So, he just wants to wait for the right time to give it to you.

Jackie Burkhardt: You know what, Fez? You're right. I'll give him time.

[Kelso enters]

Jackie Burkhardt: WHERE'S MY RING, YOU IDIOT?

[Jackie's dad got arrested]

Jackie Burkhardt: Steven. I can't believe it. Why can't you say anything to make me feel better?

Steven Hyde: Ok, I'm sorry. Why don't you get your dad a couple of cartons of cigarettes. That way, he won't be anybody's wife.

[Jackie starts leaving]

Steven Hyde: Jackie, come on. My mom said that to me when MY dad got arrested. I felt better, and we had a good laugh about it.

Steven Hyde: Look, Forman, if you give Donna that ring, she'll see the girl inside of you. And, you don't want to wake Erica up.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, Erica. That's classic. I'm lucky. You can't make a girl name out of Michael.

Steven Hyde: Oh, really, Michelle?

Michael Kelso: Damn it. I forgot about Michelle. But, you know what, Forman? You should get Donna that promise ring. I'm gonna give one to Jackie too.

Eric: Thank you, Kelso. Let's go get them, right now.

[Eric and Kelso start leaving]

Eric: See you later... Damn it. What's a girl name for Hyde?

[Eric and Kelso start thinking]

Steven Hyde: It's Heidi, you morons.

[Kelso invited Hyde and Fez to Jackie's party behind her back]

Jackie Burkhardt: Hyde? Fez?... MICHAEL.

Michael Kelso: Oh good, it's Hyde, Fez, and Michael.

Jackie Burkhardt: Well, I have a date too.

Michael Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?

Jackie Burkhardt: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way.

Michael Kelso: DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.

Kitty Forman: How's it going?

Red Forman: Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.

[Red watches Tv]

Red Forman: Aw, Gilligan screwed it up. Why don't they just kill him?

[Kitty presents the Thanksgiving turkey]

Kitty Forman: Ok, who likes dark meat?

Fez: Hey, who doesn't? Am I right ladies?

Donna Pinciotti: So, how many things around here have you put your butt on?

Michael Kelso: Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on.

Fez: Oh Eric, you do not buy soda. You only rent it...

[Eric just glares at him]

Fez: ...You know what I mean...

[Eric continues to stare at him]

Fez: ...I mean you pee it out.

Fez: We've been here for like 2 hours, and we've only moved like two feet.

Michael Kelso: If you think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now there's a wait.

Kitty Forman: [at church fundraiser] Ok, I have jobs for everyone. Red, you can run the raffle.

Red Forman: I'm your man.

Kitty Forman: Don't yell at the customers.

Red Forman: I'm... kinda your man.

Kitty Forman: And smile.

Red Forman: You need another man.

Red Forman: [looking in bag of pot] Is this what I think it is?

Michael Kelso: If you mean paprika, then yes, sir!

Kitty Forman: Honey, paprika is red.

Michael Kelso: If you mean green paprika, then yes, sir!

Jackie Burkhardt: Let's go Michael. To a place where our love is understood.

Eric: Oh, and while you're there, check out the new monkey house.

Bob Pinciotti: I didn't ask for a drink.

Fez: Well, I didn't ask to be born in a field.

Steven Hyde: Hey, Red. You have to sign this card for me.

Red Forman: It says you're failing gym.

Steven Hyde: Yeah.

Red Forman: Why the hell are you failing gym?

Steven Hyde: Because I wouldn't wear shorts?

Red Forman: Why not?

Steven Hyde: Would you wear shorts?

[Red signs the card]

[Donna is dating Michael's brother]

Eric: I got two words for you. Donna Kelso.

[Donna walks away, angry]

Eric: Come on. Think of the children. Little red headed morons.

Fez: Guys, Rhonda said she wanted to share something with me, tonight. That means we are going to do it.

Steven Hyde: Nice.

Fez: But, I have a problem. I have no place to do it in. I need someplace cheap and roomy... just like my Rhonda.

Red Forman: Eric, if your mother wants you and Archie and Jughead to help her, then you'll help her.

Michael Kelso: [to Steven] You're Jughead.

Steven Hyde: You're so Jughead, its not even debatable.

Michael Kelso: You are so...

[Steven punches Michael]

Red Forman: Steven, stop hitting Jughead.

Michael Kelso: Laurie... yeah, me and her really had something, huh?

Steven Hyde: Yeah, ointment took care of that though, right?

Eric: Fez, I know you've spoken English for only a few weeks, now. But could you have learned the phrase 'Don't tell my Dad?" 'Don't' being the contraction for do not and 'tell my Dad' meaning SHUT UP?

Fez: See, right there you told me NOT to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch.

Kelso: So! Jackie. You wanna go see Star Wars tonight?

Jackie Burkhardt: God, Michael, I told you. I don't like space.

Kelso: Jackie, if we're gonna start our relationship over, you gotta meet me halfway, honey!

Jackie Burkhardt: Well, maybe I wanna do something else tonight.

Kelso: Like what?

[He stares at her until realization sinks in]

Kelso: God, Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! Star Wars is a limited engagement!

Michael Kelso: Laurie, what's going on? You're acting like you're liking me, and that's weird.

Laurie Forman: Like I told you, Kelso. I'm bored.

Michael Kelso: Well, that's very flattering.

Steven Hyde: Look man, I gotta talk to you about some things that happened while you were gone this summer.

Michael Kelso: Hyde, if this isn't about free ice cream, naked volleyball or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses, I'd rather not know.

[the guys go to see 'Star Wars']

Steven Hyde: Hey, Forman. This movie better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm gonna be super-pissed.

[Fez on Big Rhonda]

Fez: I know that I just met her Mr. Red, but I love her. She is... sturdy. I want to climb her.

Donna Pinciotti: Just because a guy wants to pay attention to me, does not mean he wants to see me naked.

Eric: OH, GROW UP.

Donna Pinciotti: Is that why you pay attention to me?

Eric: OF COURSE... not. Of course not. I love your mind. That's the thing I love.

Ms. McGee: Good night. I apologize if my being here upset you.

Kitty Forman: I just feel that you being seen out with a student, it's just bad principle.

Michael Kelso: Oh, he doesn't care. He's dating a cheerleader.

Michael Kelso: So Jackie, do you wanna go see 'Star Wars' tonight?

Jackie Burkhardt: Now Michael, I told you. I don't like space.

[Midge left Bob]

Bob Pinciotti: I don't get it. She didn't give me any sign, any warning.

Donna Pinciotti: Dad, she kept saying "I'm unhappy and I'm going to leave".

Bob Pinciotti: Donna, that's just something married people say.

Kitty Forman: I have bad news. Midge left Bob.

Eric: Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.

Eric: She's the woman, I'm the man. I have to do better on that test.

Kitty Forman: Don't worry if Donna's smarter than you. I'd take a dummy over a jackass any day.

Eric: Which one am I?

Kitty Forman: Well, honey, right now you're both.

Eric: Donna can't be smarter than me because I'm the man, and that's just the way it is.

Kitty Forman: Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds.

Eric: But, Mom... SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT.

Kitty Forman: Honey, Michael may have an incredible built and movie-star good looks. But, you're much smarter.

Eric: Why didn't you say that when everyone was around?

Kitty Forman: Well, I didn't want anybody to feel bad.

Eric: Good job.

[Donna, Jackie, Laurie and Ms. McGee are smoking up]

Donna Pinciotti: You know, I just realized that I'm the only one here who hasn't been with Kelso. I just have two things to say- EWWW and THANK GOD.

Jackie Burkhardt: Your mom can't hang out with Donna. Don't you know what women talk about when they're alone?

Eric: Sugar and spice and everything nice?

Jackie Burkhardt: That's what we're made of, you dumbass.

Eric: Leo, you sell promise rings?

Leo: Yeah, man. I sell rings and... other stuff.

Eric: Ohh... We'll take two promise rings, and a misdemeanor's worth of the other stuff.

[the day after Eric dumped Donna]

Eric: Hey.

Donna Pinciotti: That's all you have to say to me? "Hey"?

Eric: Well, what do you want me to say?

Donna Pinciotti: I want you to say "Hey". Dillhole.

Eric: Oh, yeah? Well, DOUBLE DILLHOLE.

[Donna leaves]

Eric: [to himself] Double dillhole?...

Eric: Did you tell anybody we're engaged?

Donna Pinciotti: Yes, Eric, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged.

Eric: Ok, no need to be sarcastic.

Donna Pinciotti: No, seriously, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged.

Rhonda: Relax. We're all part of the gang.

Jackie Burkhardt: No, no, no. *You're* not part of this gang. You can't be a part of this gang. I had to kiss butt for a year to be a part of this gang.

Fez: That was you being *nice*?

Eric: Okay, I just want to tell you that this play will be done like always. That means that all of your ideas, while interesting, are stupid.

[to Jackie]

Eric: No unicorns.

[to Fez]

Eric: No lifeguards.

[to Donna]

Eric: No wise women.

[to Kelso]

Eric: No spacemen. Now, we need the wise men. Anybody got any suggestions.

[Kelso raises his hand]

Eric: Kelso, I swear to god, if you say "Space Wisemen" I will kick you in the head.

[Kelso lowers his hand]

[Bob's Christmas decorations are so bright and loud they wake up Red and Kitty]

Kitty Forman: It's the Russians.

Jackie Burkhardt: [points to Rhonda] Michael, why am I not in the loop? Why is she in the loop?

Michael Kelso: Uhh... Jackie, I don't know what loop it is you're talking about. But, if she's in it, I don't think there's any room for you.

Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, how come she has a key and I don't have one?

Michael Kelso: Well... Uhh... It's not because nobody wants you to have one. That's for sure.

Steven Hyde: Ma, I'm going to the prom.

Edna Hyde: THEY'RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU.

Steven Hyde: Gee, ma, you're making the moment too damn special.

Steven Hyde: So, Bud, can we have a keg party here?

Bud Hyde: Yeah... sure. I'm cool with it. That's me... cool dad...

Michael Kelso: Yeah. Bud's the coolest.

[high-fives Bud]

Eric: Yeah, Bud.

[high-fives Bud]

Eric: Would you be my dad?

[both laugh]

Eric: No, really.

[both laugh]

Eric: No, I'm serious.

Jackie Burkhardt: Ok, Donna, I got us a double date.

Donna Pinciotti: Who?

Jackie Burkhardt: [points to table] Firemen.

Donna Pinciotti: They're, like, 40 years old.

Jackie Burkhardt: So, what? Don't ruin this for me, Donna. This is just like my play.

[drags Donna to table]

Jackie Burkhardt: This is my friend Donna. She's just being a wet blanket.

Fireman #1: So, what do you girls do?

Donna Pinciotti: Oh, you know... WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Fireman #2: Okay... What are your interests?

Donna Pinciotti: Oh, you know... HIGH SCHOOL GUYS.

Red Forman: Bud, being a teenager is like being in a war. One minute, you're crawling around blind. Next minute, you get your foot blown off.

Bud Hyde: I wouldn't know anything about that. Never been to war. I was a conscientious.

[Red looks at him menacingly]

Bud Hyde: Uhh... Canadian.

Fez: There's a tornado coming. Oh my god, I'm going to die a virgin.

Rhonda: ...Not if I have anything to say about it.

Fez: You can talk all you want, there's a tornado coming.

[Everybody's going bowling]

Fez: Do I have to use the pink ladies' ball again?

Steven Hyde: Fez, Fez, Fez. You know the answer to that question.

Fez: [frustrated] Pink ladies' ball until I lose my virginity.

[At a bowling alley]

Michael Kelso: [picks up two bowling balls] Hey, guys, I got 10 pound balls.

[everybody laughs]

Fez: [picks up two balls] Hey, guys, my balls have holes in them.

[everybody stares at Fez]

Fez: Now why was that not funny?

Coach Ferguson: Well, well. Mr. Hyde, in school after hours? What are you trying to establish an alibi?

Steven Hyde: Coach Ferguson. Shouldn't you be out teaching boys to play with balls?

Michael Kelso: Hey, guys, look! I have ten pound balls! That never gets old.

Fez: Hey, guys! My balls are black and blue!

Eric: Good one!

Steven Hyde: Niiice!

Michael Kelso: Funny.

Fez: Wow. My balls are finally funny!

Michael Kelso: A GOOD girlfriend accepts her guy no matter what. Now, Jackie was always trying to change me.

[Imitating Jackie]

Michael Kelso: Grow up, Michael! Act your age, Michael! Stop shooting grandma with the water pistol, Michael!

Jackie Burkhardt: She's 92, Michael.

Michael Kelso: She had JAM on her FACE!

Michael Kelso: [the gang is trying to eavesdrop on the parents' conversation reacting to Donna and Eric's engagement] Hey, I'll go spy on them, I just gotta run home real quick and change into my ninja outfit.

Eric: I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.

Michael Kelso: Well, it doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, ERIC!

Eric: [Eavesdropping through the glass door on the parents' discussion about the news of Donna and Eric's engagement] I'm trying to read Red's lips, but I can't make it out - he keeps calling me a stupid duck.

[pause until he figures it out]

Eric: Ahhhhh.

Steven Hyde: Yeah, I'm going to go... bird watching with my girlfriend.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, me and Jackie are going to go "BIRDWATCHING", too.

[laughs and points at Red and Kitty]

Michael Kelso: It's cool 'cause they don't know what we're talking about.

[Red and Kitty stare at him]

Steven Hyde: I think they cracked it.

[about an attractive new cashier at Price Mart]

Steven Hyde: Forman, you have a responsibility to all of us. You have to find out what's under that smock.

Michael Kelso: I bet it's boobs.

[Kitty enters as Eric and Donna are holding hands]

Eric: Hey, it's my mom.

Kitty Forman: You two make me sick.

Eric: And she's talking like my dad.

Leo: Hi, Red. Would you give these to Kitty, please?

[hands Red flowers]

Leo: Oh, and tell her I love her. Thanks.

[leaves]

Red Forman: Oh, Kitty. These are for you. Looks like you got a date with a stoner.

[Red and Kitty laugh]

Kitty Forman: [takes flowers and reads attached note] "Roses are red, violets are blue. Milk, eggs, coffee."

Steven Hyde: Hey, Fez, do you happen to have my money?

Fez: Actually, I do happen not to have your money.

Steven Hyde: Oh, really? Well, until you do...

[grabs candy away from Fez and starts eating it]

Fez: My candy... Oh, you'll get your money... IN HELL.

Kitty Forman: I want to have a baby.

Red Forman: You still got Eric. He's kinda like a baby. I can make him cry if you want to.

[Kitty has menopause]

Red Forman: [to Eric] Quick, I need a wet towel and a Bloody Mary.

[Eric stares at him]

Red Forman: Your mother is talking about adopting a communist orphan. HURRY, DAMMIT.

Jackie Burkhardt: Being a model was my and Michael's dream... for me.

[cut to a scene of Jackie imagining being a model and then back to reality]

Eric: Hmmm... In your fantasy you're a model, and Kelso's... not there. In reality Kelso's a model, and you sell cheese. Interesting...

Kitty Forman: Ok, I need two people with keen feminine sensibilities to decorate Steven's party... so it's Jackie... and Fez.

[Kitty leaves]

Fez: Yay.

Jackie Burkhardt: Come on Fez, let's go.

[Fez and Jackie leave]

Donna Pinciotti: What the hell does she mean? I'm feminine. I oughta kick her ass for that...

[There's a live firecracker, and they have to get it]

Michael Kelso: Ok, Forman, you go get it.

Eric: Why me?

Michael Kelso: Because you're the skinniest one here. If anything blows up, you're the least likely get stuff fly at you.

Eric: Yeah... But if you go it would be better. I mean, who would be surprised if you blew yourself up?

Michael Kelso: Good point...

Eric: Everything costs money. Gas. Food. Parties. Fun.

Michael Kelso: Dates. Dates cost money.

Fez: No, Kelso, that is prostitution.

Steven Hyde: No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.

Donna Pinciotti: My parents are going to the Playboy mansion this weekend. Anybody want souvenirs?

Steven Hyde: Ashtrays.

Fez: A woman.

Fez: Well, hello there, pretty lady. Who might you be?

Donna Pinciotti: That's my sister. And, she's 14.

Fez: You know, in my country...

Steven Hyde: It's illegal here.

Fez: Oh.

Steven Hyde: Act tough, Forman.

Eric: I'm not tough.

Steven Hyde: That's why I said 'act.'

Kitty Forman: Ok. Ok. Let's just keep the game going.

[picks a card]

Kitty Forman: Donna. If you were a shoe, whose shoe would you be?

Donna Pinciotti: Well, I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe because it's about to go into somebody's ass.

Red Forman: [to Eric] This is the worst thing you've ever done.

Bob Pinciotti: [to Donna] You too.

Red Forman: You're gonna drive Donna home, and then you're gonna wait for me. That's an order.

Bob Pinciotti: Ditto... Aww, come here. I can't stay mad at you with that cute face.

[hugs her; Eric looks at Red with open arms]

Red Forman: Get your ugly ass in the car.

[the kids want to throw a party]

Red Forman: Why here? Why is it always here?

Kitty Forman: Well, what do you want them to do? Throw the party in the street?

Red Forman: Yes. They puke in the street, the city cleans it up.

[the guys are in Chicago]

Fez: People are so friendly around here. The women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.

Steven Hyde: Yeah, for money Fez.

Fez: I could not ask them for money... or could I?

Kitty Forman: You know, maybe Eric's test score is a blessing. It will be a good story when he's a senator.

Red Forman: Senator? The word you're looking for is JANITOR.

Fez: Kelso wants to give you the ring, but he's scared.

Jackie Burkhardt: Why is he scared?

Steven Hyde: Because you're scary.

[the family goes to the Price Mart Ball]

Eric: I could get a date.

[Red laughs]

Eric: I've got numbers, buddy.

Kitty Forman: Sure you do, honey. You're number one with me.

Jackie Burkhardt: Fez, you are like, an amazing dancer.

Fez: Actually, Jackie... YOU are the reason I am amazing.

[the guys go to a disco]

Fez: Okay, that's it. You must let me in.

The Bouncer: Why?

Fez: Because I feel the hard rhythm of disco burning in my loins.

Michael Kelso: You're engaged?

Eric: No.

Steven Hyde: How could you give her that ring? You're in High School, and according to the SATs, that's about as far as you're gonna go.

[Eric and Donna are engaged]

Eric: Don't tell Donna I told you, okay? She'd kill me. It's supposed to be a secret.

Fez: Of course its supposed to be a secret. 'I'm marrying a dumbell'... who wants that spread around?

Michael Kelso: There are a lot of other hot older women out there besides Midge. And they deserve our respect.

Fez: Yes, I would love to make love to an 80-year old. They must know everything. Not just about sex, but history and trivia, too.

Steven Hyde: He's as dead as your Mayan forefathers.

Fez: My forefathers were not Mayan.

Steven Hyde: Like anyone cares.

Red Forman: You know, Steven, you're a smart guy. You really should go to college. You're coming with us, this weekend.

Steven Hyde: You don't trust me alone in the house, do you?

Red Forman: See how smart you are?

Donna Pinciotti: What do you guys want to do after you graduate?

Eric: Not touch dead people again, ever.

Fez: I would like to go back to my homeland, with all the knowledge I learned in Wisconsin... and rule with an iron fist.

[Bob is having a ridiculously festive sale at his store]

Bob Pinciotti: What are you, ashamed of me?

Donna Pinciotti: Well, look around, dad.

Bob Pinciotti: Oh, I get it. But, let me tell you something. You see a clown, I see you in college. You see your dad dressed as a ringmaster, I see you in grad school. You see a monkey in a tutu... Well that just makes me laugh.

Midge Pinciotti: The unexamined self is the unfulfilled self.

Bob Pinciotti: What do you mean? You don't feel fulfilled? Why don't you feel fulfilled? I pay the bills. I put a roof over your head. I take care of you.

Midge Pinciotti: I know, Bob. But, what do I do?

Bob Pinciotti: Well, you fill out that sweater real nice.

Red Forman: What's going on?

Michael Kelso: Nothing. Just a classic case of Hand-Stuck-In-Vase.

Red Forman: Well, if you don't get your hand out of there, you're gonna have a classic case of Foot-Stuck-In-Ass.

Midge Pinciotti: Women have to be weak and fragile, so that that men can feel superior.

Donna Pinciotti: That's insane. If women don't learn to stand up for themselves, men will always control the world.

Midge Pinciotti: Oh honey, men don't control the world.

[the guys imitate Jackie]

Steven Hyde: Michael, call me later.

Eric: Michael, do your Chico impression.

Fez: Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.

[the guys stare at Fez]

Fez: ...please someone else talk now.

Midge Pinciotti: Not only that, but Bob says my ideas are stupid.

Kitty Forman: Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black.

Midge Pinciotti: I know... What?

[Hyde is trying to pull a vase off Kelso's hand]

Steven Hyde: Hey, this vase smells like chocolate.

Michael Kelso: Really?

[smells the vase and Hyde shoves it in his face]

Michael Kelso: Ow. STOP DOING THAT.

Steven Hyde: GET SMARTER.

[Everybody's playing "Horse" in the driveway. Kelso throws and misses]

Michael Kelso: Damn.

Steven Hyde: Oh. Kelso misses another one. I believe it's already H-O-R.

Fez: That's right. You are a whore.

Bernice Forman: So, Kitty, Eric tells me you quit smoking.

Kitty Forman: Yes. Yes, I did, and I feel great.

Bernice Forman: [lights a cigarette] That's great.

[blows smoke in Kitty's face]

Fez: [making a crank call] Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?

Steven Hyde: Breasts.

Fez: Oh. How big are your breasts?

[listens]

Fez: This is Fez. Who is this?

[Laurie moves out]

Red Forman: Aw, Kitty, you think that she's all grown up. But there's still a lot that she doesn't know. I mean, what if her place doesn't have a deadbolt, or a smoke detector?

Kitty Forman: Red, you don't have to baby her. She's twenty.

Red Forman: You're never too old to burn to death in a fire.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie, but I was just amusin' myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.

Fez: ...unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off.

[Eric likes Stacey at Price Mart, but Stacey likes Red]

Eric: Did Stacey actually use the word 'freak'?

Red Forman: Why don't you just let it go? Maybe the reason girls don't like you, is because you just don't let things go. Stacey was saying just that thing today.

[about Star Wars]

Michael Kelso: There's no way it's better than Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

Jackie Burkhardt: Mrs. Pinciotti, would you please tell Donna I'm right? Isn't it great when men act like they own you.

Midge Pinciotti: Oh, yeah.

Donna Pinciotti: Mom, what about all those feminist classes you went to?

Midge Pinciotti: Oh, right... No.

Midge Pinciotti: Look, Bob, even the English language is sexist. Why is it mailman and not mailwoman?

Bob Pinciotti: Yeah. And, why is it mail? It should be female.

Midge Pinciotti: Now you're thinking.

Bob Pinciotti: No, I'm not. I'm just pointing out how stupid it is.

Midge Pinciotti: You know what, Bob? You're one of them.

[storms out]

Bob Pinciotti: My wife is a maniac... Sorry, a womaniac.

Bob Pinciotti: You're my best friend!

Red: No I'm not!

Kitty Forman: Eric, you should go with your father.

Eric: But, mom...

Kitty Forman: No buts. You two don't spend enough time together.

Eric: That's because he doesn't like me.

[Eric and Red are hunting]

Red Forman: I want you to forget that I'm your father for a minute. I want you to tell me exactly what you think of me.

Eric: How about I do this when you don't have a gun?

[the women are playing cards]

Donna Pinciotti: Anybody need any cards.

Jackie Burkhardt: [gives her two cards] I need two fives.

Midge Pinciotti: I need one card.

[Donna gives her a card]

Midge Pinciotti: A five? Oh, here, Jackie. You take it.

Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, you gave her a five? I thought we were friends.

[Kelso just got bossed around by his new girlfriend]

Michael Kelso: Man, it's great to be under somebody's thumb again.

[pause]

Fez: What did your mother do to you?

Jackie Burkhardt: Didn't know they let slutballs in here.

Annette: Well, I've seen you in here so I figured it was okay.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, you don't know it, but you just burnt yourself.

Annette: Oh, I know it. The question is, do you?

Jackie Burkhardt: I just said I do.

Annette: So do I, so you are too.

Eric: Donna, are you following this?

Donna Pinciotti: Umm... I think one of them's a slutball and one of them knows it.

Annette: I think what we need to do is go talk about Michael.

Jackie Burkhardt: Fine. I'll try to use small words so you can understand me.

Annette: That's NOT going to be good enough.

Jackie Burkhardt: Maybe I do have feelings for Michael, but what am I supposed to do? He WAS my first boyfriend. And you know what? You're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of it, I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you.

Steven Hyde: [long pause] I'm not saying it back.

Jackie Burkhardt: I DON'T CARE!

Eric: Ok, I know it. She told you about "Dr. PeePee". Fine, you got it. I couldn't sleep on the top bunk and I was 10. Fine, I'm "Dr. PeePee".

[Everybody stares for a while, then they start laughing]

Michael Kelso: "Dr. PeePee". That's great. You are so "Dr. PeePee".

Eric: Oh, really, "Big Chief Brown Bottom"?

Michael Kelso: [quietly] Sorry, man. I'm sorry. Everybody shut up. Just, shut up.

Red Forman: Eric's old enough to hear this kind of talk. Eric, say your job got transferred to Guada-Who-The-Hell-Cares. Would you vote for the guy that did that?

Kitty Forman: Oh, Red, Ford didn't take away your job. He took Nixon's.

Steven Hyde: We need to do something that says "We're not gonna stand for a corrupt electoral system". Something that will leave a mark.

Fez: Oh, I know. A bloody coup.

Donna Pinciotti: Mom, why do I have to do this.

Midge Pinciotti: Donna, I have to do a lot of things I don't like to make your father happy.

Donna Pinciotti: EWW, MOM.

Midge Pinciotti: [laughs] Oh, not THAT. I love THAT.

[on Annette]

Eric: Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce? My God, she's Jackie.

Donna Pinciotti: A new Jackie.

Eric: A blonde Jackie.

Eric, Donna Pinciotti: Blackie.

[dramatic music]

Eric, Donna Pinciotti: [looking scared] We are doomed.

[Fez has told everyone he lost his virginity]

Eric: Wait, this isn't like the time that you bought a hamster, named it virginity, and then lost it?

[Eric is taking advantage of Red's silent treatment]

Eric: Hey Dad, you know who has the right idea? Russia.

Eric: Hey, dad, um, I was wondering if you could show me, like, a few fighting moves.

Red: Who you planning to fight?

Eric: David Milbank.

Bob Pinciotti: David Milbank? He's got scoliosis and asthma.

[pause]

Bob Pinciotti: You could take him.

Red: Oh, come on now, Eric. Why don't you, uh, beat up Kelso? I don't work for his dad.

Eric: He's making a move on Donna.

Bob Pinciotti: Oh, no. No. No. Donna's not going near that pretzel boy! No. No. You gotta nip this in the bud, Eric.

Red: All right. All right. The bridge of the nose is very vulnerable.

Bob Pinciotti: Oh. Oh! And hit him with a banjo!

Red: [pauses and stares at Bob] A banjo, Bob?

Bob Pinciotti: What? I'm helping!

Red: Where's he gonna get a banjo?

Bob Pinciotti: I don't know! But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down.

Red: [pauses and stares at Bob again] Hitting a guy with a banjo, is dirty.

[to Eric]

Red: You wanna knee him in the groin.

Bob Pinciotti: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

[opening text cards from "Star Wars"]

Title card/crawl: A long time ago in Point Place, Wisconsin... It's a time of upheaval for the Formans. Red's hours have been cut back at the auto parts plant, and his holiday job with "Bargain Bob" is long gone. Kitty struggles to make ends meet. And Eric is in the throes of adolescence... which sucks no matter what decade it is. Am I right? Anyway, right now Eric and his band of rebels are heading for a movie theater in Kenosha...

[on women and sex]

Steven Hyde: Secretly, I think they want it more than we do.

Eric: Oh, you and your crazy conspiracies.

[Telling Grandma Bea that they are engaged]

Eric: We're gonna do what Luke Skywalker was too afraid to do: use the dark side to our advantage.

Donna Pinciotti: Eric, if we're gonna be married you've got to ease up on the Star Wars stuff. It doesn't apply to everything.

Eric: [Looking disappointed] I'm gonna have to rewrite my vows.

Steven Hyde: Oh, I see how it is. When things get ugly, all of a sudden I'm family.

Laurie Forman: Not to me, you freak.

Steven Hyde: [pause] You are SO gonna wind up in porno.

[At Breakfast]

Eric: Hey, leggo my Eggo.

Red Forman: Hey, leggo my foot in your ass.

[the screen is split in two parts. On top, Donna is talking to Jackie. On bottom, Eric is talking to Kelso]

Eric: I really want to do it with her.

Donna Pinciotti: I don't know if I'm ready to do it with him.

Michael Kelso: I know what you mean.

[positively]

Michael Kelso: It's Donna.

Jackie Burkhardt: I know what you mean.

[negatively]

Jackie Burkhardt: It's Eric.

Eric Forman, Donna Pinciotti: What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Michael Kelso, Jackie Burkhardt: Nothing.

Eric: I mean, you and Jackie have done it millions of times, right?

Michael Kelso: Oh, yeah. We do it all the time.

Donna Pinciotti: I mean, you and Kelso have done it millions of times, right?

Jackie Burkhardt: No. I let him get to second base once, but that's it.

Kitty Forman: Where did you learn your parenting?

Red Forman: Korea.

Fez: That Tomas is shady. But have you noticed, he never says what country he's from?

Steven Hyde: What country are you from?

Fez: What country are YOU from?

Steven Hyde: America.

Fez: Fine, mystery solved.

Michael Kelso: [reading] Oh Wait, Jackie. Two o'clock... 'Smokey and the Bandit'.

Jackie Burkhardt: No-no-no-no-no. I told you, I don't wanna see that again. I don't like the South.

Donna Pinciotti: What are you doing?

Michael Kelso: Jackie gave me this egg to take care of, so me and Hyde are throwing it back and forth.

Donna Pinciotti: Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Jackie gave you that egg as a test. She's trying to see if you have any parenting skills.

Michael Kelso: Oh, really? Hyde, better give that back.

Steven Hyde: All right.

[throws it, but it flies back and smashes against the wall]

Steven Hyde: Whoops. I mean, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Donna Pinciotti: And exactly whose panties are these?

Midge Pinciotti: Um, actually, they're mine.

[Kelso and Fez kneel on the ground]

Michael Kelso: Eric. You are a *God*.

Eric: So, do you feel like coming over for dinner?

Stacey: I don't know. Will your dad be there?

Eric: Why? You like my dad?

[Stacey smiles]

Eric: Oh, my God. You like my dad?

Stacey: Do you know if he's seeing anyone?

Eric: Yeah. My mom.

Pastor Dave: Now, kids, you may think that God is a downer. But, he's an upper. Some get high on L.S.D., but I get high on G.O.D...

Steven Hyde: [coughs] Virgin.

[Kitty has just come home from work]

Kitty Forman: Here, honey. I brought you a lollipop.

Eric: Mom, I'm 17.

Kitty Forman: I know. That's why I also brought you condoms.

Eric, Red: Ehhhhhhh.

Kitty Forman: You need to protect yourself. Today I saw a 16-year-old give birth, and I don't want that type of thing to happen to you.

Eric: Well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable.

[gets up and leaves]

Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. Don't forget your condoms.

Eric: I was wrong.

Michael Kelso: I don't get Jackie. I mean, we were together for years, and the second I turn my back she off and frenches Hyde.

Steven Hyde: And by turning your back you mean ditching her for two months to have sex with random beach trash?

[pause]

Michael Kelso: Whatever, man. It's all about words with you.

[at Prom]

Eric: I got a feeling I'm forgetting something...

Steven Hyde: Looks like you got everything but a tall redhead.

Eric: Yeah, what guy doesn't love a tall redhead oh my god I forgot Donna.

[about Bob's hair]

Red Forman: His head looks like a poodle's ass.

Michael Kelso: When guys cheat, its because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex.

Jackie Burkhardt: We do too.

Michael Kelso: Well why aren't we doin' it now?

Jackie Burkhardt: Because I don't want to do it right now.

Michael Kelso: I do. Point made. Thank you.

[Jackie on Michael]

Jackie Burkhardt: Look, I need to know that he's really changed. I need to test him somehow.

Donna Pinciotti: I agree.

Jackie Burkhardt: You do?

Donna Pinciotti: Absolutely. If you get back with Kelso, you better have him tested.

[Jackie sneaks into the Forman's house]

Steven Hyde: I told you to look where you were going.

Jackie Burkhardt: What idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?

Eric: You knocked over my space command center?

Kitty Forman: Red, Bob was very upset when he left here.

Red Forman: Bob's always upset. He's a little girl in big boy pants.

Eric: I don't think I've ever seen Mom so mad. Have you?

Red Forman: Not since she's stopped drinking.

Eric: What?

Red Forman: Nothing.

Michael Kelso: You can't sleep in the same bed with someone and not be doin' it. I've fallen asleep not doin' it and woken up doin' it.

Eric: ...and that's why they won't put him to sleep at the dentist.

Steven Hyde: Yeah, I never thought I'd be a working man, man. But man, here I am, working for the man. You know what man, I like it man.

Leo: Hey, thanks man.

[Red on Kitty's parents]

Red Forman: You know, I was hoping when they'd move to Arizona, they would get lost in the desert.

Donna Pinciotti: [to Eric] Have you suddenly become the stupidest man ever? I mean, is Kelso no longer the reigning king?

Michael Kelso: Oh, I'm the king.

[Michael and Laurie leave for a date]

Steven Hyde: No offense Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

[Kelso brought Fez to the Piggly Wiggly to meet attractive, older women]

Kitty Forman: How could you bring Fez to the Piggly Wiggly? There's a lot of footloose women in there. Do you know Joyce Ferguson?

Michael Kelso: No. That's a lie.

Kitty Forman: What?

Michael Kelso: [nervously] What?

Kitty Forman: What?

Michael Kelso: [nervously] What?

Red Forman: You know, maybe instead of finding another idiot to hang out with, you might think about unloading a few.

[to Hyde]

Red Forman: Like you.

[to Kelso]

Red Forman: And you.

[to Eric]

Red Forman: And you.

Eric: I'm your son.

Red Forman: Hey, I treat everyone as equals.

[Midge left Bob]

Steven Hyde: Don't worry, Donna. I mean, my parents splitting up made me the man I am today.

Donna Pinciotti: Aww, man. Am I gonna go crazy and think the government is out to get me, too?

Steven Hyde: [angry] The government IS out to get you.

Red Forman: Kitty, I think we should rethink our 'Don't throw Leo out on his ass policy.'

Kitty Forman: No, no. Leo stuck around because he cares about Steven.

Leo: ...and plus I can't find my shoes, man.

[Donna beats Eric at a game]

Fez: You know, in my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you.

Eric: [smiling] Really?

Fez: Yes, but this is America. Wuss.

[Mounties Chris and Bryan hold the guys after they try to smuggle beer from Canada]

Bryan: Now, you are well within the legal limit on that.

[points at beer]

Chris: But you are over the legal limit of foreign kids you can smuggle out of this country.

Michael Kelso: Well what is the legal limit on that?

Chris: The limit is *zero*, you loser.

Kitty Forman: You're my special little baby boy.

[Hyde makes kissy faces at Eric]

Eric: Mom. We talked about this. I'm not a boy anymore. I'm a man...

Kitty Forman: Okay... My special little baby man.

[kisses him, giggles and runs away]

Eric: [to Hyde] You are so lucky that your mom's a runaway alcoholic.

Steven Hyde: Would you shut up about that lame ass story?

Michael Kelso: Well, it's the truth and I'll prove it. Let's go ask Fez.

Steven Hyde: Fine.

Michael Kelso: You drive, my van's in the shop.

Steven Hyde: Fine. I need gas though.

Michael Kelso: Fine. Can I borrow money for fries?

Steven Hyde: No.

Michael Kelso: Fine. Shotgun.

Steven Hyde: There's only two of us you moron.

Michael Kelso: Fine.

Laurie Forman: You should watch your back.

Jackie Burkhardt: You should stop spending so much time on yours.

Red Forman: I say good riddance. That cat was always making a mess on my lawn and going through my garbage.

Laurie Forman: Yeah. But now we have Hyde to do that.

Steven Hyde: Oh yeah, Laurie? And what exactly do you do? Oh, yeah - the Packers.

[Kelso has just shot Hyde with his B.B. gun]

Steven Hyde: I'm gonna punish him the way my parents punish me.

Eric: You're gonna leave him at the mall?

Steven Hyde: No. I'm gonna milk this eye thing until he feels as bad as he should. And they didn't leave me at the mall. They forgot me. They were drunk.

Fez: I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.

Michael Kelso: Well, that's Canada... Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk or puttin' maple syrup on their ham.

Steven Hyde: Hey Forman, did you realize that there's another room back there? Hey, and it barely stinks.

Eric: Perfect. You can sit back there underneath your bare bulb and write angry letters to the government.

Steven Hyde: Oh, don't think I won't.

Michael Kelso: I say do it with her.

Eric: Kelso, your solution to everything is "Do it with her".

Michael Kelso: Hey, it worked on my science teacher. C minus.

Eric: Extra. Extra. Read all about it.

Steven Hyde: "Skinny Dillhole Talks Like An Idiot"?

Eric: It was supposed to be 'Guys' Night Out'. And then comes Hyde's skank of the week to ruin it all. We were friends since, like, always. And all it took to ruin it was a pair of lop-sided boobs. That's right, I noticed and I didn't say anything... Because I'm nice.

Donna Pinciotti: I had to talk to my dad's new girlfriend about the sex they're having.

Eric: Yeah, okay, you win.

Michael Kelso: Hey. Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the Gym.

Steven Hyde: Everybody.

Eric: Keep it down, you guys. If my dad finds out we're going to Canada, for beer, he won't be happy.

[Kelso runs up, shouting]

Michael Kelso: All right. Canada. Wooooooo. Beer.

[blows an air horn]

[in Donna's story]

Eric: Prepare thyself. Tonight, we fornicate.

[the guys do homework]

Donna Pinciotti: If x equals seven, than y equals?

Jackie Burkhardt: Two?

Donna Pinciotti: No. Kelso?

Michael Kelso: Uh, L?

Donna Pinciotti: We're gonna graduate in two months, and there's a whole town out there waiting for us. We just have to, you know, grab the bull by the horns.

Michael Kelso: Hey, I'm gonna tell you from experience, if you're gonna mess with a bull, you better have a backup plan.

Eric: I forgot my mom's birthday.

Steven Hyde: Really? 'Cause I remembered your mom's birthday.

Eric: If you remembered, then why didn't you tell me?

Steven Hyde: How would that be funny?

Jackie Burkhardt: So, what kind of career do you see yourself in?

Michael Kelso: Well, I was considering becoming a doctor...

Jackie Burkhardt: A doctor? Ooh, that's so mature.

Michael Kelso: Or, a rodeo clown.

Annette: If you expect me to go to the dance tonight you'll have to do a few things for me.

Michael Kelso: For you or to you?

Bud Hyde: You look familiar. Do I know you?

Steven Hyde: I sure hope so... Dad.

Kitty Forman: Steven's father is in town?

Laurie Forman: Yeah, right. Like he even knows who his father is.

[gets up and leaves]

Red Forman: Do you know anything about this?

Eric: Yeah. She's a bitch.

Red Forman: A bond between a father and son is subtle and complex-

[to Eric]

Red Forman: You wipe that smirk off your face.

Steven Hyde: Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.

Michael Kelso: Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?

Donna Pinciotti: Because he's stupid.

Michael Kelso: [terrified] They can do that?

Eric: You know, Donna, failing classes is not the only way to get attention from your parents. A lot of girls, when they're having a bad time at home, just go slutty.

Donna Pinciotti: You know what Eric? You're right. Let's have sex right now.

Eric: Really?

Donna Pinciotti: No.

Eric: Stop doing that.

Steven Hyde: You have to be aloof.

Fez: Did you just call me a 'loof'? Because if so, I'll have to kick you in your nads.

Steven Hyde: No man, aloof. Distant, zen...

Fez: Well, that's not what a loof means in my language.

Steven Hyde: Look, I don't care what you think it means. That's what it means here.

Fez: You're the loof.

Steven Hyde: Hey Fez...

Fez: ...I SAID LOOF.

[the guys plan to streak]

Steven Hyde: I'll write a really great slogan like, 'I Hate the Fuzz' on my ass.

Fez: If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off?

Michael Kelso: See, I've enlightened you situation to that of Pavlov's dog. See, Pavlov was this science guy, and every time that Pavlov's dog would ring a bell, he would eat.

Eric: Are you sure that it was the dog who rang the bell?

Michael Kelso: Yeah, I mean, who else would it be?

Eric: Pavlov?

Michael Kelso: Well that wouldn't be a trick. I mean, what man can't ring a bell? But anyway, anytime that dog would ring that bell, he would eat and then Pavlov would drool.

Eric: You just read that chapter two seconds ago.

Michael Kelso: Do you even want my help?

Eric: No.

Michael Kelso: Well, your loss.

Michael Kelso: Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno.

Steven Hyde: Really? Faster than that?

Michael Kelso: Yeah. If only somebody would make a porno-horror movie.

Fez: Don't you want to know what I have to say?

Steven Hyde: Man, I never know what you have to say. I mean, in your head you're speaking English, but when it comes out its all buzzes and clicks.

[about Bob and Midge]

Red Forman: What the hell kind of a world are we living in? 'Hey, let's date other people.' 'Hey, let's date other people, but ditch them and do it in a car.' In my day, we called them degenerates, and we STONED them.

[the guys cheat at Bingo]

Steven Hyde: Kelso man, you're willing to cheat? You're in the house of the Lord. You're coming along nicely.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, I mean it's not that bad, because technically we're only in the basement of the Lord, and I'll bet he never comes down here.

[Michael puts a cheese star over his eye]

Michael Kelso: Look. I'm Paul Stanley from 'Kiss'.

Steven Hyde: I haven't done one stinking illegal thing since I got probation.

Eric: What, so you're mad because you haven't been in any crimes since your last crime?

[on taking care of Red's parking ticket]

Nina: I can't take care of this. You were parked in a fire zone.

Red Forman: I was buying some milk.

Nina: But what if there was a fire?

Red Forman: Then I'd pour my milk on it.

[Kitty's father has just passed in the emergency room]

Kitty Forman: I don't know how to say this... Daddy's gone to a better place.

Michael Kelso: Good, 'cause this hospital sucks.

[Kelso gets an angry look from everyone]

Michael Kelso: What?

[Kelso realizes]

Michael Kelso: Oh. (whispering) This hospital sucks.

[Jackie just got a job]

Michael Kelso: You got money? Cool. Let's go buy me that transformer.

Jackie Burkhardt: No, Michael. Money doesn't grow on trees. Ohh... Money DOESN'T grow on trees...

[on Bob's barbecue]

Red Forman: Well isn't that a surprise. A National Guardsman serving up chicken.

[Hyde pulls a fire alarm]

Steven Hyde: I didn't do it to be nice. I did it because I wanted to commit a felony. Misdemeanors just ain't the rush that they used to be.

Michael Kelso: Laurie is my girlfriend now, and I love her.

Donna Pinciotti: No you don't.

Michael Kelso: I like her.

Steven Hyde: No you don't.

Michael Kelso: I think she is okay. And the line between love and okay is fine, but the line between doin' it and not doin' it is NOT fine.

Donna Pinciotti: Fez, you're awesome. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?

Fez: Well, there's Jackie... Laurie... this girl from gym, another girl from Chemistry... country western star Tanya Tucker... she does not answer her letters.

Michael Kelso: Look Jackie, here's the deal. You cheated on me.

Jackie Burkhardt: You cheated on me all the time.

Michael Kelso: Well, yeah... but you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.

[Eric and Donna just made up after a fight about porno magazines]

Donna Pinciotti: It's OK, Eric. So... You got rid of them all?

Eric: Yeah.

Donna Pinciotti: That's too bad... You know what? I could have a naked girl in this room in 10 seconds.

Eric: Great. Send her in, I'll see you later.

Steven Hyde: Hey, Fez, listen to this.

[reads from magazine]

Steven Hyde: Tight pants can show off a man's derriere and show a woman heaven. Also, an open shirt can expose a sexy chest and show an enormous 'Joie De Vivre'.

Fez: Really? I always thought my 'Joie De Vivre' was in my pants.

Eric: What kind of moron leaves the keys in the ignition?

Michael Kelso: When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge.

Steven Hyde: If you don't shut up, you'll be the first person to touch his chin to his ass.

Fez: Have you been spying on me?

Steven Hyde: [When Bob and Midge renew their wedding vows, Leo is supposed to be the photographer] Hey Leo man, you all set?

Leo: Totally, man, I got everything.

Steven Hyde: Great. Where's the camera?

Leo: I got everything but the camera... or the film... or the flashcubes. Hee, I got nothin' man.

Steven Hyde: Leo man, the photohut is loaded with that stuff.

Leo: I know, it's ironic, isn't it?

Steven Hyde: And yet not surprising.

[Hyde hands Leo a camera]

[during a Battle of the Sexes fantasy sequence]

Jamie Farr: You guys are pathetic. I'm switching over to the girls side. And I can do that because I wore a dress on M*A*S*H.

[on Bob]

Red Forman: I didn't want to insult him by offering him some nothing job.

Kitty Forman: Oh Red, you insult him everyday.

Red Forman: But that's different. He thinks I'm kidding.

[Red has just won at craps]

Red Forman: I'm the richest man in Church.

Donna Pinciotti: Laurie, are these your panties?

Laurie Forman: Donna, please. I don't wear pink panties.

Steven Hyde: Yeah, she'd have to wear panties to wear pink panties.

Red Forman: I don't see why we have to spend the night. It only took me ten minutes to catch up with everybody at my reunion.

Kitty Forman: Red, standing in the corner by yourself muttering "Dumbass" at everyone doesn't count as "catching up".

Kitty Forman: Eric, there's someone here to see you.

Eric: Mom, if this is another one of dad's Marine Corps recruiters I swear I'm running away.

Bull: So, I hear your plant's closing down.

Red Forman: Yeah, you can't compete with those damn foreign imports. You know, if I had seen this coming, I would've shot a little straighter during the war.

Kitty Forman: Red hates you.

Fez: Oh, don't be silly. Red loves me.

Kitty Forman: You gave him a heart attack.

Eric: Mom, maybe Dad loved Fez so much that his heart just... exploded.

[after finding out a girl he slept with is pregnant]

Kelso: You ladies don't know what I'm going through. I mean, you can have all the sex you want and don't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.

Kitty Forman: Steven, if you keep saying things like that it's gonna be really hard for me to pretend I don't know what you're talking about.

Steven Hyde: Well, then, I'll just leave because it's just too easy. Just like Laurie.

Eric: Fez, you better start kissing Red's butt or else he'll make sure you're deported.

Fez: Who should be kissing who's butt? He should be thanking me for taking his trashy daughter off his hands.

Laurie Forman: I'm not that trashy. I won't sleep with you.

Fez: Oh, zip it Jezabelle.

[after Kelso tells them that he wants to be a cop]

Donna: It's actually kind of perfect for him. I mean, he can run through people's backyards with a stick. (the guys look at her like she's nuts) What? He does that anyway.

Donna: So, you're really gonna be a cop.

Steven Hyde: Well, he shot me, so we know he's good with guns.

Roy: I moved in with a wonderful woman.

Steven Hyde: Oh, what happened?

Roy: She found out I was living there.

[after Red insults Fez, Eric, and Kelso]

Kelso: Hey, hold on a second. Am I the pretty boy moron?

Red: Yes.

Kelso: Cool, because that's the best one.

Kelso: Okay, which job sounds better: wide receiver or spy?

Eric: Well, Kelso, I don't understand why you just can't do both.

Kelso: You're right, it's the perfect cover.

[Fenton tells Eric to either pay for the engagement ring for Donna or give it back]

Fez: Eric, you better do what he says. I've been on the other side of Fenton's stick. And trust me, that is not the side you wanna be on.

Steven Hyde: Hey, Donna, you want some pie.

Donna Pinciotti: No, I don't want any stupid pie.

[Donna storms off]

Steven Hyde: Hey, I didn't kiss her.

[after finding out Red's mom isn't spending Thanksgiving with them]

Kitty Forman: I don't need to kiss some old lady's A-S-S on my holiday.

[Laurie, Eric, and Red just look at her]

Kitty Forman: You heard what I spelled.

Red: Donna just came through hear looking pretty upset. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

Eric: No. I mean, she was fine just a minute ago when we were down... oh, you already know, don't you?

Red: Of course I know.

[looking at possible girlfriends for Eric after he is voted "Most Eligible Viking"]

Eric: Hey, look at her.

Kelso: Yeah, I made out with her once.

Eric: I don't want my tongue anywhere near where Kelso's tongue has been.

Kelso: Oh... then you better stay away from your mom.

Donna Pinciotti: Wow! Tongue.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Eric: So, we're finally gonna meet the mysterious and possibly fictional Nina.

Fez: Hey, does this hickey look fictional?

Donna: Nope, it's real.

Fez: How can you tell?

Donna: It's too small to be the vacuum cleaner hose like last time.

[Kitty wants Hyde to move in with them]

Red: For God's sake, Kitty, I'm not Santa Claus.

Kitty Forman: Well, thank God you're not Santa Claus, Red. You scare the hell out of children.

[singing along with Ann Murray]

Eric: Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with ya honey. Who am I kidding after I can't pay for Donna's engagement ring nobody's gonna be in love with me honey. Why must you mock me Ann Murray?

[a cop catches Eric and Donna getting intimate in the Vista Cruiser]

Eric: [to Donna] Don't worry; I have a plan.

Eric: [to the cop] GO... AWAY.

Donna Pinciotti: That's it? That's your plan? That's not a good plan.

Eric: Yeah... no, that's the plan. I mean, we're completely naked. He'll... probably just go away.

[the cop doesn't budge]

Eric: Crap. Have you seen my pants?

Red Forman: If one more person tells me to 'shut it'...

Kitty Forman: You might actually 'shut it'?

Bud Hyde: Well time flies when you're

Steven Hyde: Drunk?

Bud Hyde: Well I was gonna say having fun but whatever.

Steven Hyde: Yeah, you gotta stay sharp, man. That's why I keep myself pure 'til 3 o' clock...

[checks arm]

Steven Hyde: Two o'clock. That's why I keep myself pure until two o'clock.

[checks arm]

Steven Hyde: I'm not even wearing a watch.

Ricky: So why do you want a job at Fatso Burger?

Steven Hyde: To unionize the workers, man.

Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Steven Hyde: Prison.

Red: Look at this. First day of deer season.

Eric: Rabbit season.

Steven Hyde: Duck season.

Eric: Rabbit season.

Steven Hyde: Duck seaon.

Eric: Rabbit season

Steven Hyde: Duck season.

[Red complains about the neighbors' dog]

Red: That thing was always messing in my yard and going through my trash.

Laurie Forman: Now we have Hyde for that.

Steven Hyde: Oh yeah Laurie, and what exactly do you do? Oh that's right, the Packers.

Steven Hyde: What crawled up your butt?

Eric: You and Jackie and then you started making out in there.

Steven Hyde: If you really want to get under her skin you have to be Zen.

Jackie Burkhardt: Zen? Okay you just can't make up words Hyde.

Steven Hyde: Look man, if those jocks try to do this to you again, just come find me.

Fez: Thanks. You're my best friend. Let's hold hands.

Steven Hyde: So you wanna be a burn-out? Is that it?

Jackie Burkhardt: No. No, Hyde. I just wanna be with you. I think you are one of the coolest and sweetest guys.

Steven Hyde: No you don't.

Jackie Burkhardt: Yes I do.

[Eric is trying to figure out what to do about David hitting on Donna]

Steven Hyde: You know, Forman, I'm a romantic. So I say you choke him 'til his eyes pop out!

Kelso: Yeah. Hittin' people's cool.

Fez: I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?

Steven Hyde: There's no such thing as too much, Fez.

Fez: [singing] Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree, they're in love like two monkeys

Steven Hyde: That's not even how it goes.

Fez: Well, is it making you mad?

Steven Hyde: Yes.

Fez: Then, that's how it goes.

Fez: [about Donna] If we were in my country I'd string you from the tallest tree.

Steven Hyde: We're not in your country.

Fez: Right. So good luck with Donna.

Fez: But if you don't tell Donna how you feel, then you will regret it.

Steven Hyde: I'm going to the Vineyard.

Fez: Good for you.

Eric: [Eric lied to his parents about staying at Fez's and Red has found out] Okay, the reason I'd lie about something like that is...

Red Forman: What happened? You pissed Donna off and she locked you out?

Eric: Donna? No.

Red Forman: Oh. Well you pissed me off so I'm locking you out.

Jackie Burkhardt: Steven, do you really think we're a creepy, unnatural couple?

Steven Hyde: Come on. It's a crazy question. I mean, if this relationship wasn't just a little bit creepy and unnatural I wouldn't be in it.

Jackie Burkhardt: You know, Steven. This hatred thing you have for me, is just you protecting yourself.

Steven Hyde: Okay.

Jackie Burkhardt: It's true. You're afraid to reach the peaks of love, for fear of being dropped off a cliff. Well, I'm your safety line, Steven. So grab me.

Steven Hyde: Go grab yourself, freak.

Steven Hyde: Go ahead and hit me. A free shot.

Kelso: You gonna hit me back?

Steven Hyde: No, man. That's why they call it a free shot.

Kelso: Oh. OK. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready.

Fez: We're ready. Do it, fool.

Steven Hyde: Donna, man, I feel like I want to kiss you.

Donna: Shut up and dance.

Eric: [after having sex with Donna] Well, Donna and I are back together!

Kitty Forman: Oh, good, did you two talk things out?

Eric: Actually we... yeah, we talked things out.

Steven Hyde: More like grunted.

Eric: Shut up!

Steven Hyde: [once Kitty leaves] Okay man, give me all the details.

Eric: Oh, there will be detail o'plenty, in my steamy letter to Penthouse.

[Hyde smiles and nods]

Eric: And my mom's still here isn't she?

[Hyde nods, Eric turns to see Kitty glaring at him]

Michael Kelso: [checking out girls] How 'bout I kiss her?

Jackie Burkhardt: Ugh, no way! She's too tall, too tan, too rich.

Michael Kelso: Damn, Jackie, I don't wanna kiss a short pale poor girl!

Steven Hyde: If you ask me, UNICEF is a scam.

Donna Pinciotti: If we ask you, everything is a scam.

Steven Hyde: Everything is a scam.

[flashback to twenty years earlier]

Red Forman: It's just that Frank is getting on my nerves. He's just... he's an ass. And he's dumb. He's a...

[spotlight on Red; celestial chorus plays]

Red Forman: ... dumbass.

Steven Hyde: Let's see what your permanent record says about you, Jackie.

Jackie Burkhardt: Go ahead. I have a perfect record.

Steven Hyde: Does anybody want to know what Jackie's middle name is?

[Jackie shrieks]

Steven Hyde: Jackie's middle name is...

[Jackie starts attacking Hyde]

Jackie Burkhardt: I hate you! I hate you!

[Hyde is lying on the floor; he slowly gets up]

Steven Hyde: Her middle name is Beula.

Steven Hyde: Look, Jackie. I know you were worried before so I just wanna let you know nothing happened on my end this weekend. I'm not telling you that so you'll tell me what you did. I just wanna let you know what happened with me. That's my report to you.

Jackie Burkhardt: All right. Good to know.

Steven Hyde: Good to know?

Jackie Burkhardt: Did I stutter?

Steven Hyde: We could go to Chicago and peddle Fez's ass for beer.

Fez: I'm game.

Steven Hyde: Man you went to the free clinic?

Kelso: No, but I saw your mom there. BURN.

[Hyde hits him]

Kelso: OW. That left a mark. Like your mom did.

[Hyde hits him again]

Steven Hyde: Eighteen sucks, man, no more free rides. I mean, if there's a war, I could get drafted.

Leo: If there's a war, I'll see you in Canada.

Steven Hyde: So if Donna ever breaks up with you, and starts dating me, are we still friends?

Eric: No.

Steven Hyde: I have got a solution to this whole you being a pain in my ass, we sharing a room thing. You move out.

Eric: Of my room?

Steven Hyde: Yeah.

Eric: Well, uh, that's just not going to happen.

Steven Hyde: Fine. I'll move out, you big baby.

Eric: Still friends?

Steven Hyde: I need time to heal.

Leo: In real life, my kids split on me.

Steven Hyde: Really? My parents split on me.

Leo: Oh wow. Now we found each other. Hey, do you wanna be my father?

Laurie Forman: What about Hyde? Why doesn't HE have to go to church?

Steven Hyde: While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the eastern philosophies and of course the teachings of Mohammed, I find that organized religion has corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. Were I to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.

Steven Hyde: [after repeatedly being denied entry into the club] Hey, let me tell you something, pal! You're proppin' up a dyin' system, man! You know some day soon people are gonna wake up. And they're gonny realize that most of us don't fit in your Hollywood, Madison Avenue, candy-coated ideal of what's cool. And when we do, we're gonna rise up! We're gonna put you on trial! Then parade through the streets with your head on a stick!

The Bouncer: Righteous political outrage... You're in!

[opens the rope and let's him through]

Leo: [Leo and Hyde playing Battleships] B3!

Steven Hyde: Hit! Damn, you sank my battleship!

Leo: You know a well-maintained fleet is the backbone of any military structure, and with your floating arsenal depleted, your troops are likely to suffer some serious collateral damage.

Steven Hyde: [confused] Huh...

Leo: Hey, you know what, man? I think I might have been in the Navy!

Fez: ["That 70s Show" 100 episode, the musical]

[singing]

Fez: Some people call me the space cowboy...

Eric: No, nobody calls you like that. But if there were someone, then I'll be the space cowboy.

Steven Hyde: Please, Forman, if there's any space cowboy in this group it's me, and I'm also the midnight toker!

Kitty Forman: Good, Donna, come up and eat with us, I need all the help I can get. Oh not you Steven, Grandma doesn't like you.

Donna: You lucky bastard

Kelso: Well maybe we should check the School Morgue.

Steven Hyde: Kelso, the school doesn't HAVE a morgue.

Kelso: So what do we pay all those taxes for?

Steven Hyde: You know what kills me? You do better in school than I do.

Kelso: I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.

Steven Hyde: For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.

Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, I understand. I mean, it's kind of like... it's kind of like setting your hair. If you don't wait long enough, it's totally flat and blah like Donna's. But if you wait just the right amount of time then it's perfect, like mine. Steven, are you even listening to me?

Steven Hyde: God help me, I am.

Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah, I got it... in the Ghetto.

Steven Hyde: Jackie, there's no ghetto here. There's like that one house that needs to be painted.

Jackie Burkhardt: Well, all the best quotes are about the things that means a lot to you, like for example me. My hair. Or my personality. Or the sparkle I bring to your dull, grey, lives.

Steven Hyde: Or, the feeling of relief we get, when you leave the room.

Eric At 7: Thanks for walking me home, Steven. That redheaded girl hits really hard.

Hyde at 7: Some advice? Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.

Eric At 7: Okay, Steven.

Hyde at 7: ...and it's Hyde.

Eric At 7: Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? You know, Hyde and Seek!

Hyde at 7: That's stupid. And you owe me a quarter.

Jackie Burkhardt: Stop staring at me or I'll kick you.

[Hyde stares, Jackie kicks]

Eric: Dad just got sued by a co-worker for wrongful termination.

Kitty Forman: Well if the news is so unpleasant I'm ignoring it. Here, have a cupcake.

Eric: Mom, did you hear what I said? Dad is getting sued for wrongful termination by Earl.

Kitty Forman: Earl? He didn't do his job, he was always late and he was a complete dumbass... person.

Eric: Mom, you said ass.

Kitty Forman: So did you, now give me back the cupcake.

Eric: Dad is gonna freak. I don't know how to tell him.

[Red enters the house]

Red Foreman: Tell me what?

Eric: Oh, mom said the ass word.

Kitty Forman: Give me that.

Eric: You know what, mom, I got this one. Whoever here is not being sued by Earl for illegal termination, raise your hand.

Eric: You know what dad if I am still working at pricemart at your... older kill me.

Red Foreman: You don't have to ask twice son.

Eric: That's my daddy.

Red Foreman: Come on let's make fun of mum's hair.

Leo: Beer is evil. You know why they call it beer?

Eric: No. Why?

Leo: I'm just curious man.

[about Hyde's house]

Kitty Forman: He really shouldn't be here.

Red: It's not so bad. Compared to Korea, this is Shangri-La wrapped in happy-fun candy.

[seeing Donna and Eric cavorting on the kitchen table]

Red: Damn it. That's where I eat dinner.

Steven Hyde: Let's face it Forman. You're soft.

Donna Pinciotti: How soft is he, Hyde?

Steven Hyde: Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion.

[brief pause]

Kelso: Yeah. Because he plays the piano... wait...

[Donna whispers in his ear]

Kelso: [to Eric] OOOOH. BURN.

Red: Kitty, why is it we always do what you want to do and never do what I want to do?

Kitty Forman: It's in the Bible.

Kitty Forman: So, Eric, have you made your Christmas list for Santa yet?

Eric: Well, um, I was going to, but then I turned 10.

Red: Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.

Eric: See, when you say it, though, it just sounds weird.

Red: Earl, just get to work.

Earl: Oh, sure. Right after my cup of joe. I'm useless without my coffee.

[Earl runs out]

Eric: Then, I guess he hasn't had coffee in years, huh?

Earl: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late, Red. My dog was hit by a car, and I had to rush him to the vet.

Red: Earl, he was hit on Tuesday, too. I gotta say, that's one dumb dog.

[Kelso's complaining about how much he misses Jackie]

Fez: What do you miss about her, Kelso? All she ever did was call you names. Heck, I can do that for you. You idiot. See?

Kelso: Aw, thanks, Fez.

Steven Hyde: Poor Forman, man. Working for Red. I wouldn't wish that on my enemies.

Fez: I would. Those suckas must pay!

Red: Eric, if you don't want to wear your ass for a hat, you'll get up here, pronto!

Donna: You better go. You know how that ass- hat screws up your hair.

Fez: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a toosie pop? One...

[lick]

Fez: Two-hoo.

[lick]

Fez: Ah, screw it.

[bites]

Fez: Ow, my tooth! Oh, why did I have to bite it?

Eric: And then, they go into this bar, and there are all these space creatures, and then, someone makes the mistake of picking on Obi Wan Kenobi, and then, he takes out his light saber, and goes WOOSH and he chops this guard's arm right off! Cause it's a saber that's made out of light.

Kitty Forman: Well, you know, this, this doesn't sound like a nice movie. Now, "The Way We Were", that's a nice movie!

[after learning the Red's getting a new job]

Kitty Forman: Oh! And to think how close we came to losing the house!

Eric: Losing the-mom, you said we were fine!

Kitty Forman: Oh, Eric, honey, I lied!

Red: Ah, my job, and my little girl!

Eric: Ok, so I'm here too, dad.

Red: Oh, and uh, speaking of you, I told Millbank's son David to come by and see you.

Eric: David Millbank? Dad, I hated that guy.

Red: Yeah, well, I hate his dad! But, I smile like hell whenever I see him!

Donna: David Millbank? Oh, barf. Eric, remember when you beat him up on the playground?

Eric: Yep. I kicked his ass.

Jackie Burkhardt: Wait, wasn't he the kid with scoliosis and asthma?

Eric: Yep. And I kicked his ass!

[Jackie and Kelso have left leaving Eric, Donna, and Fez alone]

Fez: Ah, they have finally left. Now it's just the three of us.

Eric: That's great, Fez.

Fez: Oh, I get it. If I was gone you two would kiss. Ah, life's a bitch, huh?

Kitty Forman: Eric, David's here!

Fez: The scoliosis asthma freak is here? I cannot wait to see this!

Donna: Wow, David, you've really grown up!

David Milbank: Hey, look at you. You have really grown up!

Eric: Yes, in fact we've all grown up.

Fez: Yes, but him much more than you have.

David Milbank: So! Uh, Donna, are you still writing short stories?

Donna: Yeah! I still write a little.

Eric: Well, not every...

[he turns to her]

Eric: You, um, you still write?

[after Kelso suggests hitting a guy that's hitting on Donna]

Eric: I dunno. If I hit this guy, Donna's just gonna be pissed.

Kelso: No, man. Chicks dig that stuff! I mean, Leia, right, she acted like she was mad at Han. But I could tell she liked him.

Steven Hyde: Kelso, man, what are you, an idiot? Leia likes Luke, I mean she kissed him on that bridge!

Kelso: Uh! Just for luck!

[Eric's dream sequence during "Star Wars"]

Hyde as Han: Luke, man! I don't mean to bum you out, but I just saw Princess Leia cruising around with Darth Vader and his Tie Fighter. Right Chewy?

Chewbacca: Unnnnn!

[Chewbacca takes off his mask and we see that it's Kelso]

Chewbacca: Man, this totally sucks. I should be Han.

Hyde as Han: Hey, quit whining!

[He hits Kelso/Chewy]

Kelso as Chewy: Unn!

[Eric's dream sequence during "Star Wars"]

Jackie as a storm trooper: Oh my god, you guys just gotta come over to the dark side.

Fez as a storm trooper: They have free food!

[Eric has gotten drunk with Red at a bar, and is calling Kitty for a ride]

Eric: Hello, mother? This is your son, Eric. I am not feeling well.

[Eric and Donna fed the rest of the gang laxative-laced brownies as revenge for a prank]

Michael Kelso: That was a wicked burn. I mean, it had all the elements. You didn't see it coming... parts of it really hurt...

[Eric just announced his plans to move away]

Red Forman: I'm proud of you.

Kitty Forman: And that goes double for... what the hell did you say?

[Fez got arrested for vandalizing Point Place's water tower while Hyde and Kelso got away]

Fez: [to Hyde and Kelso] Thanks for getting me out of jail, you two sons of two bitches!

[Kitty has invited a neighbor's son over to spend time with Eric]

Lance Crawford: Hello, Eric. Your father and I were just discussing how unrealistically space travel is portrayed in "Star Wars".

Eric: [annoyed] It was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... look, you either buy it or you don't!

Leo: I met God one time on a bus. He told me the meaning of life and gave me a pretzel.

Steven Hyde: So, what's the meaning of life?

Leo: ...I don't remember... but it was a pretty good pretzel.

[Fez has just gotten out of jail after being arrested for something Hyde and Kelso did]

Fez: Oh, and guess what? They looked into my records and discovered my visa expires after I graduate from high school. That means I'm going to be deported. Thanks a lot, you guys. Now I have to relearn my native language.

[after being caught at Police Academy]

Police Officer: What are you doing here? Who are you?

Eric: They call me Fez...

[Red has a heart attack when he learns that Fez and Laurie got married]

Red: [to Kitty] If I don't make it, kill the foreign kid.

Mr. Wilkinson: [after the gang has stolen his mailbox] Bloody hell- is that my mailbox?

Fez: [imitating Mr. Wilikinson] Bloody hell is that me mailbox?

[everyone laughs]

[Hyde puts the "stupid helmet" on Eric's head]

Eric: Ooooh, why do I have to wear the stupid helmet?

Steven Hyde: Because you're stupid!

Kitty Forman: Here you are, Red. Breakfast, egg whites only.

Red Forman: But the yellow part's the baby bird. That's the part I want to eat!

Steven Hyde: Kelso was right. *Everyone's* trying it.

Red Forman: [holding a can of whipped cream] I'm telling you, this stuff's just isn't for cakes. It's great all by itself.

[sprays some in his mouth]

Red Forman: Wait, wait, wait.

[sprays some on top of his head]

Red Forman: Look at me. I'm whipped cream head. Fear me! All fear whipped cream head!

Kitty Forman: [Bob just gave Red a pair of shoes] Oh, look. He gave you shoes. What do you say, Red?

Red Forman: What the hell is wrong with you?

Fez: I'm confused. What's going on?

Steven Hyde: You see, Donna, as a creative artist, wrote her story to get some perspective on her life. Forman, as a vindictive ass, wrote his story to be a vindictive ass.

Kitty Forman: Now Eric's leaving. What am I supposed to do?

Red Forman: Well, there's a car show in Kenosha this weekend.

Kitty Forman: A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in fucking Kenosha! I want 3 more fucking months with my baby boy! I can't do that now because of your bullshit! Way to go, dumbass!

Eric: [about Eric's unflattering portrayal in Donna's story] People are going to think I'm really like that.

Donna Pinciotti: Oh, come on. Nobody's going to think you're like that.

Girl #1: [the two girls walk up to Eric] Cat killer.

Girl #2: Bastard.

Girl #1: Porn freak.

[they walk off disgusted]

Donna Pinciotti: OK, they could be talking about anybody.

Steven Hyde: Hey, we're all porn-freak bastards. But he's the only one who killed a cat.

Mitch Miller: Eric, I didn't take your action figure.

Red Forman: [walks by] Doll.

Eric: ACTION FIGURE.

Kitty Forman: [right after Eric accused Mitch of stealing his Darth Vader action figure] Eric, were you playing in the bathtub with your doll?

Eric: ACTION FIGURE... uh-oh.

Donna Pinciotti: [after Jackie's mom agrees to move in with her dad] But I don't want to see any of her panties around the house.

Kitty Forman: [referring to Jackie's mom not having a panty line] Oh don't worry, you won't.

Eric: Tell me again Kelso how is this car baby friendly

Kelso: Because its tiny... like a baby

Bob Pinciotti: Now be a good girl and sneak out some of them Jordan almonds for Daddy, okay?

Donna Pinciotti: No Dad, those are for the feminists!

Fez: Rhonda, I thought we'd start our evening with a hot-dog eating contest. Now, I know you're the State Hot Dog Eating Champion, but I think I can make it interesting.

Rhonda: Sorry, Fez, I don't eat food for money OR glory any more.

[whispering and gesturing to Jackie and Donna]

Rhonda: It's not ladylike.

Donna Pinciotti: You know what I love about Hyde? He's always beating up Kelso.

Michael Kelso: Uh! That is false! Name one time.

Donna Pinciotti: Gladly.

Steven Hyde: [scene switches to the gang sitting around the Forman's kitchen table, eating] Mmmmm, I love mashed potatoes.

Michael Kelso: Really?

[spits some on Hyde's plate, which makes Hyde shove Kelso down and start punching him]

Michael Kelso: Augh! My eye!

Steven Hyde: [scene switches to the gang playing basketball in the driveway] That's a foul.

Michael Kelso: You know what's foul? Your playing.

[throws the basketball at Hyde, who tackles Kelso and starts punching him]

Michael Kelso: Owwww! That's my eye!

Steven Hyde: [scene switches to the gang sitting in the basement watching TV, when Kelso comes in and changes the channel] Change it back, I was watching that.

Michael Kelso: No.

Steven Hyde: CHANGE IT BACK.

Michael Kelso: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

[Hyde knocks Kelso over the couch and begins punching]

Michael Kelso: Waaah-haa-haaa! My eye!

Michael Kelso: [scene switches back to where it started] Seriously, dude. You keep hurting my eye.

[repeated line]

Michael Kelso: OW, MY EYE!

Steven Hyde: They should've X-rayed your head at the hospital.

Michael Kelso: They did. And for your information, they found nothing.

[on smoke-outs in the record store]

Angie: Why do you guys always do that when I leave the room?

Kelso: Well, it's Thanksgiving. Some people bake pies... we bake ourselves.