Swiss Army Man Quotes

Manny: [getting a boner] Oh, God, I'm disgusting.

Hank: No-no. No-no-no. You're not disgusting.

Manny: No, my body is disgusting. It's horrible!

Manny: I'm scared 'cause I think if I die I might really miss you.

Hank: Oh you're the worst.

[last lines]

Sarah: What the fuck?

Hank: What's important is you remembering your life.

Manny: Okay. What is life?

Hank: Maybe that's just something the brain invents to survive.

Manny: Yeah. Like maybe your brain invented me to distract you from the fact that eventually your eyes are gonna stop blinking and your mouth will stop chewing and your blood'll stop pumping... and then you're gonna shit yourself, and that's it.

Hank: No. No, that's not it. Because then my organs are going to shit themselves.

Manny: And then your cells will shit themselves, and then all your shit's gonna get mixed in with everyone else's shit till there's nothing left of you, and then that's it.

Hank: I don't know, man. That sounds kind of nice, everyone's shit mixing, because then someday some of your shit is gonna meet up with some of my shit, and we'll have something to look forward to, you know?

Manny: You're disgusting.

Hank: Because I'm just a scared, ugly, useless person.

Manny: But maybe everyone's a little bit ugly. And maybe we're all just ugly, dying sacks of shit, and maybe all it'll take is one person to just be okay with that, and then the whole world will be dancing and singing and farting, and everyone will feel a little bit less alone.

Hank: Manny, you have no idea how nice that sounds.

Manny: Uhh... what should I do now?

Hank: Um... OK, maybe you talk to her.

Manny: Well, what do I talk about?

Hank: Just... whatever comes naturally.

Manny: Hello. I don't know why, but I have this sudden urge to put my mouth on your mouth?

Hank: OK, that's called kissing, but you can't do that yet. That's too fast.

Manny: Oh... Uh, how 'bout if I put my penis in you?

Hank: That's even worse.

Manny: Oh, so sorry. What about if just did the tip, like, just the very beginning...

Hank: OK, Manny, is not about sex!

Hank: Every day, you ride the bus and count the minutes, hoping you'll see her again.

Manny: Oh, my God.

Hank: She smiles, and you feel a strange tingle up the back of your neck. Something carnal inside of you causes your body to break out in sweats. You feel like the luckiest man in the world. She sits alone, just like every other day, and looks out the window lost in her thoughts. You know that look. She's just as alone as you are, but she doesn't have to be. You could talk to her. Tell her you'd love to sit next to her today and every other day, because life is short, and no one deserves to ride the bus alone.

Manny: You wanna go home so you can have love?

Hank: Yeah.

Manny: But you ran away 'cause nobody loves you?

Hank: That's not true.

Manny: You're broken and empty and dirty and smelly and useless and old. You're like trash, right?

Hank: You know... I... I had always hoped that right before I die, my life would flash before my eyes and I would see wonderful things. A life full of parties and friends, and, and how I'd learned to play the guitar, and, and maybe there'd even be a girl; but as I was hanging up there, I didn't really see much of anything, but I did see you. And I know... I know it sounds dumb, but I, I really thought for a moment that, that maybe, just maybe there was a reason that you...

[Manny farts again]

Hank: I'm scared of whatever took that poop.

Manny: But why, though?

Hank: Because only huge, scary things take poops that big.

Manny: So what? Everything poops.

Hank: Yes, but if it finds us, it will eat us and push us out its butt and turn us into poop.

Manny: My name's Manny, and this's my best friend Hank. I used to be dead, but then he brought me back to life, and we were lost out there in the woods for a very long time, but we survived because I have special powers.

[pukes]

Hank: Manny...

[farts]

Hank: Manny...

Crissie: That's gross.

Hank: I'm sorry, I... I thought you were dead.

Manny: Am I dead?

Hank: I don't think so. You're talking.

Hank: Hey, I didn't mean that. Hey, you talk however you want. You can mumble, look at your feet all day long, okay, buddy?

Manny: [suddenly Manny speaks] Okay, buddy.

Hank: You're like the multipurpose tool guy. You're special.

Manny: I'm special.

Hank: Yeah, and that's why I need you to help me get home.

Hank: Back in civilization, there's seven billion other living people on the planet just running around and blinking and breathing and eating, and you used to be one of them. You were probably just looking for happiness. That's what everyone does.

Hank: [turning up the corners of Manny's mouth] This is what you look like when you're happy.

Manny: Happy.

Hank: You look for someone who will make you happy - a friend, a girlfriend or a dog.

[arf arf]

Hank: Good boy.

Manny: Good boy.

Hank: Sometimes you might be lucky enough to bump into the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with - and that is love.

Hank: We sang, and we danced...

Sarah: Oh, my God.

Hank: ...and it was beautiful.

Manny: Remember when you put that cork in my butt?

Hank: [sighs] Yeah.

Manny: Did that count as sex?

Hank: Manny, no.

Manny: I wanna have sex. I wish there was some way I could pretend to do it.

Hank: It's called masturbation. It's kinda like sex.

Manny: But by yourself?

Hank: Yeah.

Manny: Masturbating make people happy.

Hank: It's supposed to. Sure.

Manny: I bet you masturbate a lot.

Hank: I can't believe we're talking about this.

Manny: Pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup pup.

Hank: What are you doing?

Manny: I'm singing a song so you won't overthink things.

Hank: Let' have a party.

Manny: Yeah, let's invite everyone we know.

Manny: Sarah, do you ever masturbate?

Hank: What?

Manny: I have this friend called Hank, and he won't masturbate 'cause it makes him think about his mom.

Hank: Manny. That... that was between us.