-
Uncle Albert: With great power comes... ow!
Rick Riker: Great responsibility? Try to breathe!
Uncle Albert: I can't. You're kneeling on my balls!
-
Uncle Albert: [to Rick about a book on puberty] There are mood swings, fluid retention, and once a month you'll bleed from your vagina.
[awkward pause]
Uncle Albert: This may be the wrong book.
-
Rick Riker: I'm not wearing any diamonds.
-
Rick Riker: [during a prolonged conversation with Jill while plummeting from a rooftop] This is a really tall building.
-
Lou Landers: [before death] Oh fuck.
-
Uncle Albert: God, Lucille! How could you take her away from me! I can't live without her! Lucille! Snookie lumps!
Undertaker: I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. This is your wife.
Uncle Albert: [sees Lucille in other casket] Ah!
Undertaker: She is this man's wife.
Uncle Albert: Give me five minutes.
-
Tom Cruise: [clapping with each syllable to emphasize his point] Old MacDonald had a farm and Bingo was his name - o.
-
Uncle Albert: [lovingly] Your thighs look like warm cottage cheese someone threw up on a hot sidewalk.
Aunt Lucille Adams: And you've always had a tiny penis.
Uncle Albert: Well, what does it matter when you're in love?
-
Priest: We are gathered today to say goodbye to Lucille Adams.
Mourners: Goodbye!
-
Uncle Albert: Remember, with great power comes...
Rick Riker: Great responsibility?
Uncle Albert: Well, I was gonna say bitches, but if you want to be a virgin for the rest of your life...
-
Jill's Mother: [shouting from a window] You're a whore, just like your mother!
[Jill's mother goes back inside]
Rick Riker: Who was that?
Jill Johnson: My mother.
-
Uncle Albert: How can you say that? I've been like a father to you! I raised you, just like your father did! I believed in you, just like your father did! I slept with your mother, just like your father did!
-
Lance Landers: [to Rick] Watch where you're going in slo-mo, dipshit.
-
Rick Riker: Now I'm never gonna know the secret to becoming a superhero.
Mrs. Xavier: You wanna know the secret? Come close.
[smacks Rick]
Mrs. Xavier: Make a costume, shithead!
-
[after Aunt Lucille farts through Rick and Jill's conversation, Hourglass breaks through the window]
Hourglass: Sorry to drop in uninvited.
Rick Riker: It's okay. We were hoping someone would open a window. It was getting stuffy in here.
-
King of Sweden: Ladies and gentlemen, our first award is for the medical breakthrough of the year. For his company's pioneering work in the field of feminine hygiene, I award Lou Landers douche bag of the year.
-
Dr. Stephen Hawking: If there is one lesson my life can teach, is it that the spirit is stronger than the body. The hero comes from within.
Dragonfly: Those are Celine Dion lyrics.
-
Young Rick Riker: [Blaine laying on the ground before death] Dad!
Blaine Riker: Oh Rick, I'm dying...
Young Rick Riker: No...
Blaine Riker: Don't worry, my brother Albert will take you in. Rick, the money, it's all yours now. Sell all shares in a small company called Google, pfft, worthless. Invest heavily in Enron.
-
Lou Landers: I've never been married.
Jill Johnson: [hold up fruitcake] Fruitcake?
Lou Landers: No. Just haven't met the right woman.
-
Rick Riker: See, you're not even in my top five!
-
Rick Riker: [opening the front door] Uncle Albert!
[Albert turns and shoots a nail from a nail gun; Rick catches the nail]
Uncle Albert: [amazed] How did you do that?
Rick Riker: It's... easier than it looks.
Uncle Albert: [shoots Trey in the hand] Nope. I don't think so.
-
Rick Riker: [Rick sees that Lou is coughing blood] Are you okay, Mr. Landers?
Lou Landers: Oh, I'm fine, son. This is just healthy cough-blood!
-
Professor Xavier: But pumpkin, I don't see nobody.
Mrs. Xavier: Don't call me pumpkin. It ain't Halloween.
-
Dr. Whitby: So, what brings you here?
Rick Riker: My uncle.
Dr. Whitby: Your uncle brought you here?
Rick Riker: No, he's gravely injured.
Dr. Whitby: Well, he shouldn't be driving, then.
-
Undertaker: This is gonna be difficult for you but you've got to identify the body.
Rick Riker: This isn't my aunt.
Undertaker: Yes. That's why it's going to be difficult.
-
Dr. Strom: Unless you add some serelium! Then you could create a device powerful enough to draw the lifeforce out of thousands of people and enhance your own cellular capacity!
Lou Landers: Strom, you're a genius!
Dr. Strom: [being modest] Wikipedia
-
Lunatic Editor: [Gently carried away] I know the Mayor of Venus! Hamburgers can see the Future!
-
Uncle Albert: And maybe your father shouldn't have given you this afterall, look at the words your ancestors incribed in that ring: honor, valor, sacrifice, duty, commitment, bravery, justice, integerity, brotherhood, self-esteem, low prices, affordable housing, loose fitting pants, cheap internet porn, the rest is in Latin.
-
Dr. Stephen Hawking: My nurse is a lesbian and not the hot kind.
-
Lou Landers: [Lou Landers plots to steal cerillium from Hawkings' lab] I could just walk right in.
Dr. Strom: You're going to steal cerillium?
Lou Landers: No, not me. But perhaps there's someone inside me. Someone who will at any cost... survive!
[evil laugh, Lou picks up an hourglass and breaks it]
Lou Landers: Ow, ow! Glass in my eye! Glass in my eye!
-
Tom Cruise: [extended, deleted Tom Cruise scene] Y'know, uh, this "hero", this, uh, this "Dragonfly"... he's not the answer, okay? I'm the answer. I got, uh, I'm just... whew. Y'know, and, uh... heh. I'm... I'm the way to, to happiness. Okay? I'm the way to, I'm the way to peace. I can, I can, uh, I can unite cultures. I can eat... planets. I mean, I can just, um,
[snaps fingers; laughs]
Tom Cruise: Dragonfly's not a superhero, okay?
[laughs]
Tom Cruise: I am.
[laughs; claps]
Tom Cruise: Guy can't even fly, you kiddin'?
[laughs; abruptly stops]
Tom Cruise: I can fly, okay? I can fly. He sees an accident, he's just gonna run by. I'm gonna STOP, 'cause I'm a hero. Now today, there aren't a lot of accidents, so you gotta make accidents. I like to throw... little nails in the street, and an accident happens. And I'm the ONLY one who can run up there and stop it. Ooh! BAM!
[laughs; claps]
Tom Cruise: [off-screen interviewer: "I just wanted to ask you-"] Stop. Just shut up. Shut up. Hey!
["There's a rumor about-"]
Tom Cruise: Hey-
["That you wanted to-"]
Tom Cruise: Stop.
["You did claim, however-"]
Tom Cruise: Stop.
["Okay, but you did say, you agreed to be here, and you said that you would talk about this-"]
Tom Cruise: Shut. Up.
[facing backwards]
Tom Cruise: What is this place? Seriously... why are there no clocks in here?
[suddenly asleep]
Tom Cruise: [off-screen interviewer asks, "Tom? Tom?"]
[suddenly awake]
Tom Cruise: There was a farm who had a dog, and Bingo was his name-O! YEAH!
[laughs]
Tom Cruise: I'm, uh, I'm okay.
-
Jill's Mother: You're a whore just like your mother.
Rick Riker: Who was that?
Jill Johnson: My mother.
-
Lou Landers: Strom, do you have my test results?
Dr. Strom: Yes, sir. Whatever you're doing to your... victims rejuvenates you, but only for 24 hours.
Lou Landers: Hmm. What if I killed 28 people in one session? Would that give me a month to live?
Dr. Strom: If it were February, yes, but only if your cells could absorb that much energy at once, and they can't. I'm afraid you have to kill each day to live each day.
-
[Rick, Aunt Lucille, Jill, Lou and Lance are sitting down for their Thanksgiving dinner]
Lou Landers: [Lou looks at Rick's arm and sees a cut on it] What happened to your arm?
Rick Riker: Uh... A bike messenger knocked me down.
Rick Riker: I see your wrist is bandaged.
Lou Landers: Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee.
Lou Landers: And you have a cut on your lip.
Rick Riker: Uh... My crack pipe broke.
Rick Riker: You have a scratch on your neck.
Lou Landers: Yes, I met a girl on Craig's List.
Lou Landers: And you have a bruise on your neck.
Rick Riker: I met a guy on Craig's List.
Lou Landers: I'm sorry Lance, but we have to go.
Lance Landers: Why?
Lou Landers: I... shot my pants.
[Everyone looks at Lou in total shock]
Lance Landers: I'll drive.
-
Uncle Albert: Rick, the hero's path is dangerous. You may fail or you may fly. All that matters is that you do it for the best of reasons. Helping others, Rick, that's what makes you a real hero.
Superhero Movie Quotes
Extended Reading
