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Lisa Janusch: ...he was a bar of chocolate and the whole school was on the rag - everybody wanted a piece.
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Diane: Nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their behinds!
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Lisa Janusch: I don't know about the Hey, but the Ho was right on.
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Butch Girl: [Her speech for her campaign, she is holding a 4-H sign] It's all about the cows. Youth. Agriculture. 4-H RULES!
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Lisa Janusch: [while watching a group of girls do cheerleading moves while robbing the bank] That's an illegal dismount.
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[Kansas's mom sends Betty doll masks]
Hannah: [reading card] Be careful, have fun. Ski masks are so done. Use these masks to fight the power and never bend over in the shower.
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Hannah: I'm sorry, can someone else please run the board? It's creepy, it's wrong, and it goes against the teachings of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Kansas: Hannah, in order to get real answers from the Netherworld, you've gotta have a Christian virgin run the board. Your kind is pure of heart, the devil won't dick with you.
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Lucy Whitman: You just became a statistic.
Kansas: Oh, my god. I'm not the first.
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Cleo Miller: Did you say you are pregnant or you were pregnant. You had it, threw it out, and now you're gonna go dance all night?
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Diane: Morning sunshine, remember, these are the best days of your life so far.
[winks]
Diane: .
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Jack Bartlett: Who would you be, Count Chocula or Trix Rabbit?
Diane: Uhhh Trix.
Jack Bartlett: Me too. God I love this lady!
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Diane: If the O.J. trial taught us anything, it taught us that, in America, you can cut somebody's head off and still be innocent as long as you have enough money. Well Kansas your mom only shoot a guy.
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Hannah: I'm gonna be someone's bald bitch!
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Diane: You know, even the most beautiful flowers still grow from dirt. And we may be knee-deep in it right now, but we're gonna grow strong from this.
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[overly hyper]
Dianne's Mom: I'm DeeDee. You can remember me because of my double D's!
Dianne's Dad: Honey, don't show them those!
[to Jack's parents]
Dianne's Dad: And I'm Dianne's dad, Dennis. Now, don't try that after one of my screw-drivers.
Dianne's Mom: Say, who wants pigs-in-a-blanket?
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Cleo Miller: Can you imagine, Conan's head on Keanu's body? Unstoppable.
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Kansas: My best friend got pregnant.
Mrs. Hill: Woohoo, before you?
Kansas: Yeah that's what i said too.
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Mrs. Hill: So, what'd you come here for? To tell me how much you hate me?
Kansas: I don't hate you. I need your help.
Mrs. Hill: And how in the hell can I help you?
Kansas: My best friend got pregnant.
Mrs. Hill: Before you? Woo hoo.
Kansas: Yeah, I know, that's what I said too. Anyway, we want to help her get some money for the baby by robbing a bank.
Mrs. Hill: Well, shitfire, Kansas, that's the sweetest thing I ever heard.
Kansas: But we can't quite figure out how to do it.
Mrs. Hill: So you need my help? Oh my God. This is like you asking me for help with your homework.
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Diane: [from the trailer:] Is this going to take long? It's game night.
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Mrs. Hill: You don't look nothing like your picture.
Kansas: Grandma and Grandpa sent you a picture of a neighbor girl. They didn't want you to break out and come kidnap me.
Mrs. Hill: Thank God, I was starting to think I killed the wrong man.
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Lisa Janusch: Then, there's Hannah Wald. She's this uber-Christian, doesn't really say much. In fact, if she wasn't kinda pretty, you'd say ''Hey, who's the 'tard?''
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Hannah: Technically I don't think I'm a virgin anymore. This past summer at church camp I think I had my first orgasm.
Kansas: Any sentence that starts with church camp ain't leading to the big O.
Cleo Miller: That's not true Kansas. All those pictures of Jesus all sweaty and bare-chested on the cross always made me kinda hot.
Diane: I want to hear.
Hannah: Okay, so one night I want out horseback riding with the nuns - they went every night and we're trotting pretty hard you know. And suddenly I feel-i feel just super alive. You know.
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Lisa Janusch: It blew like a bulimic after Christmas dinner
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Kansas: Yeah? Well, how would you like me to introduce my foot into your ass!
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Kansas: Hey Lisa, did you meet Carmen Electra this summer?
Lisa Janusch: No.
Kansas: Oh, cause it looks like you got some of her tits on you.
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Hannah: [at the ouija board] Who made up the one-question-a-week rule anyway?
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Kansas: It's in the Bible, so just shut the hell up!
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Mrs. Hill: Kansas, I'd like you to meet someone special.
[a lady comes up]
Kansas: Jesus Christ, Mom! It's bad enough you're in prison, but now i have to add p.s my moms a dyke too?
Mrs. Hill: Shut up! You mouthy little shit!
Kansas: Don't mouthy shit me, I'm outta here.
Mrs. Hill: Hold on a minute. Mink ain't my bitch if that's what you think. She's a specialist in banks.
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Hannah: And Tim Conoway was very funny. And they all learned a lot from the experience a...
Kansas: Wait a minute. You watched The Apple FUCKING Dumpling Gang?
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Geeky Guy: I feel totally abandon in a place that values physical prowess over mental acuity. I can't wait until all of that changes in the real world.
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Lisa Janusch: Normally I'm a good skater, but some jealous fag
[shows a picture of Bruce]
Lisa Janusch: , who will remain nameless, obviously sabotaged them.
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Diane: Jack sold the car for some goddamn gift of the Maggi thing-
[looks at her pregnant belly]
Diane: OOps! Mommy's sorry, sweetpeas. Swearing's the surest way to - oh, shit! Mommy needs a getaway car!
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Cleo Miller: [They are about to rob a bank, and Cleo does something wrong] I'm sorry, Kansas.
Kansas: No! God, Rule number two, no names! No goddamn names you retard!
Cleo Miller: Well excuse me, White Trash Betty!
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Hank 'Terminator' Rogers: How many bullets do you need?
Diane: Bullets? No bullets! Oh my gosh, these are just to scare people. Kinda like a round-off, back handspring, whip back, double full. You never really use it - you just want the opposing squad to know you've got it.
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Diane: Jack Bartlett. Jack Bartlett! Jack Bartlett. Is Jack Bartlett interested in me?
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Kansas: She's been the weak tit on this mama cat ever since this whole thing started!
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Cleo Miller: The baby's got two heads!
Lucy Whitman: It's twins!
Diane: I'm not just super fat!
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[last lines]
On Screen Text: [the text that appears on screen] Hannah used her money to start a small business...
On Screen Text: ...the most successful riding school in the state.
On Screen Text: Fern grew into her looks.
On Screen Text: She used her money to travel the world.
On Screen Text: Kansas appealed her mother's case.
On Screen Text: The judge ruled that a woman in labor for 32 hours...
On Screen Text: ...could not be held responsible for her actions.
On Screen Text: Lucy graduated from Harvard
On Screen Text: ...and invented a pizza box.
On Screen Text: She now owns the island of Guana in the British Virgin Islands.
On Screen Text: Cleo moved to Hollywood...
On Screen Text: ...where she met the producer of "Scream".
On Screen Text: She was last spotted in Soho shopping for leather furniture.
On Screen Text: Lisa...
On Screen Text: ...well, she was wrong about Bruce.
On Screen Text: Diane told Jack she won the lottery.
On Screen Text: After the kids were born...
On Screen Text: ...Jack's political advisors
On Screen Text: started his senatorial campaign.
On Screen Text: They won!
On Screen Text: Diane was reunited with her parents.
On Screen Text: They now run the "Diane Bartlett Scholarship Fund for Pregnant Cheerleaders".
On Screen Text: So no cheerleader will ever have to rob a bank again.
Sugar & Spice Quotes
Extended Reading
