Stepmom Quotes

Ben Harrison: See Mom? I told you! I'm telepathetic.

Jackie Harrison: Telepathic.

Ben Harrison: That's what I said.

Ben Harrison: Do you think Isabel's pretty?

Jackie Harrison: Sure... if you like big teeth.

Ben Harrison: Can you fall out of love with your kids?

Luke: No. That is impossible!

Ben Harrison: Like Mission: Impossible!

Luke: Anna! You do NOT run out on your mother!

Anna Harrison: No, that's your job.

Ben Harrison: No one loves you like I do.

Jackie Harrison: No. No one ever will.

Isabel: Why don't we name the puppy?

Anna Harrison: I know: Isabel.

Isabel: I beg your pardon?

Anna Harrison: Well, it kind of smells like you, and I'm allergic to you too, so it fits perfectly.

Jackie Harrison: I'm never, never going to forget this.

Anna Harrison: Never say "never."

Jackie Harrison: Well there's a loophole, you know. You can say "never, never" if you mean it enough to say it twice.

Isabel: You know, I never wanted to be a mom. Sharing it with you... that's one thing. It's another to be looking over my shoulder for the next twenty years, knowing someone else would have done it better... someone else would have done it right.

Jackie Harrison: What do you have that I don't?

Isabel: You're Mother Earth, incarnate.

Jackie Harrison: You're... hip, and fresh.

Isabel: You ride with Anna.

Jackie Harrison: You'll learn.

Isabel: You know every story, every wound, every memory. Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you... every single second. Don't you get it? Look down the road to her wedding. I'm in a room alone with her, fixing her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman has ever looked so beautiful. And my fear is she'll be thinking, "I wish my mom was here."

Jackie Harrison: And mine is... she won't.

Jackie Harrison: You know, Ben was born in two hours, went right to the breast, and camped there for 4 days. His blanket looked just like a cape, even the nurses thought so. He loves hearing that story about how he was born a magician.

Isabel: What about her?

Jackie Harrison: 28 hours. The doctors wanted to go in and get her, but I knew she'd come at her own time. You can never rush her.

Isabel: I'll keep that in mind.

Isabel: You look tired.

Jackie Harrison: I hate when people say that. It's like a polite way of telling you that you look like shit.

[after Anna has called and hung up twice]

Isabel: Hello?... What is your problem, asshole?

Anna Harrison: YOU are my problem!

Isabel: I am so unbelievably sick of your imperious bullshit. I never said I was June-fucking-Clever...

Jackie Harrison: You don't use that kind of language in this house!

Isabel: ...and if every time life hits her hard you want to have a twelve hour conversation every third Tuesday of the month, go right ahead, lady, I have a life.

Jackie Harrison: Oh, and I don't?

[scoffs]

Jackie Harrison: You know what your problem is? You are so self-involved. You couldn't be a mother.

Isabel: Maybe the problem here is your daughter, and that she is a spoiled, wise-ass little brat.

Jackie Harrison: Get out of my house. Get out!

Isabel: [pause, she turns to go] Are you sure? I didn't see that on the schedule.

Anna Harrison: I don't have to listen to you, you're not my mother!

Isabel: THANK GOD FOR THAT!

[Jackie is smoking marijuana]

Jackie Harrison: Yep. Life's a tradeoff. It's finally legal to smoke dope, but you got to have cancer.

Isabel: Are you dying?

Jackie Harrison: Not today.

Jackie Harrison: What are we going to tell the kids?

Luke: Maybe we should tell them the truth. They can handle it. It should've been me instead of you.

Jackie Harrison: I'll go along with that.

[to Luke]

Isabel: Don't fight with me when I'm hungry.

Ben Harrison: Mommy...

Jackie Harrison: What, sweetie?

Ben Harrison: If you want me to hate her, I will.

Ben Harrison: [on the phone with Jackie] And you wish that you were here making me spaghetti...

[whispering]

Ben Harrison: so I don't have to eat dad's yucky lamb chops.

Isabel: [backstage at the school Thanksgiving play] I have something to tell you.

Jackie Harrison: You're having Michael Jackson's baby.

Isabel: That, *and* Anna is totally over her head for Brad Kovitsky.

Jackie Harrison: [gasp] No!

Jackie Harrison: The thing is, they

[the children]

Jackie Harrison: don't have to choose. They can have us both. I have their past, you can have their future.

Isabel: I'm so sorry, but you're not making this any easier on anybody.

Jackie Harrison: It is not my job to make it easier for you, it is my job to take care of those children and they don't wanna be with YOU!

[she grabs her children's hands]

Jackie Harrison: I'm getting a court order and you are never going to be with these children again alone, do you understand? EVER!

[first lines]

DJ Scott Zoe: [the morning DJ on the radio] Hey, good morning, New York. Scott Zoe here at 102.7, WNEW-FM, where rock lives. Beautiful autumn day in the city, and a great record coming your way, too.

[the song Under Pressure by David Bowie plays]

Isabel: [Isabel gets up in a rush to go and wake up Ben] Ben? Ben? Ben. Get up, get up, get up. Late, late, late. Ben? Come on, honey. Get up. We're seriously late.

[Isabel lowers down the blanket sheet over Ben's bed and reveals a blown up dinosaur underneath and screams]

Isabel: All right, you may think this is funny but this is so not...

[screams again as she nearly walks on Ben's bunny rabbit]

Isabel: funny. I'm not kidding around anymore, Ben. You make yourself appear right this instant. Ben? Ben? The clock is ticking, Ben. Come on now. Ben?

[Isabel takes a family Christmas photo]

Isabel: Why doesn't everybody get on the sofa for a picture, huh?

Jackie Harrison: [talks to Luke] Baby, can you put that birdcage on the floor for me?

Isabel: [sets the camera up for a second shot] And I'll set up here.

Luke: All right, there you go.

Isabel: On the count of three, I want to see big Christmas smiles. One, two... Benjamin.

[looks at Ben to smile]

Isabel: Three.

[camera snaps]

Isabel: Excellent.

Jackie Harrison: Good one. Okay, now let's get one with the whole family. Isabel?

Isabel: [Isabel smiles] Okay, let me just reset this. Get ready.

[Isabel sits with Jackie, Luke, Anna, and Ben. The camera snaps]

Isabel: Morning.

Jackie Harrison: It is 7:23! You were supposed to be here at 6:30! She has missed her morning riding lesson!

Isabel: No, it's Monday. Her riding lesson is on Tuesday.

Jackie Harrison: Except for the third Tuesday of the month, which switches to Monday, and in November when she rides on Thursdays. I mean it is not that difficult. Don't you have some kind of little... black agenda book that you can write all this down in?

Isabel: May I have a cup of coffee, please?

Jackie Harrison: We don't have coffee.

Isabel: [Sarcastically] Good Morning, Betty Ford.

Jackie Harrison: [Ben comes running in, giving Jackie a hug, as Anna storms upstairs, angrily, while giving Isabelle a nasty glare] Hey, monkey man. Hi, sweetie, how are you do - - Anna? Anna?

[to Ben]

Jackie Harrison: Sweetie, go change your shirt.

[to Isabelle]

Jackie Harrison: What happened to Anna? What did you do?

Isabel: Maybe you could just back off me a little bit!

Jackie Harrison: What happened?

Isabel: Nothing happened. Eh... Luke was in the shower this morning and... Anna sort of... walked in, without even knocking.

Jackie Harrison: I don't see why that would upset her. I mean, there have been people in our family that have taken showers before.

Isabel: Well, I was in there with him.

Jackie Harrison: And... did either of you... talk to her about it afterwards?

Isabel: No. I thought it would be uncomfortable for her.

Jackie Harrison: You mean for you. A 12-year-old girl is trying to cope with the fact that her Father is never moving back in here with his family, she sees her Father naked in the shower, with another woman, for the first time, and you think it would be better for her... than to pretend that nothing happened?

Isabel: I am so... UNBELIEVABLY sick of your imperious bullshit! I never said I was June fucking Cleaver-...

Jackie Harrison: - -You don't use that kind of language in this house-...

Isabel: - -And everytime that life hits her hard, you wanna have some 12 hour conversation every third Tuesday of the month, you go right ahead, lady! I have a life!

Jackie Harrison: Oh, and I don't because I have children?

Isabel: [No response]

Jackie Harrison: You know what you're problem is? You are so self-involved. You couldn't be a Mother.

Isabel: Maybe the problem here is your daughter and that she's a spoiled, wise-ass little brat.

Jackie Harrison: [Insulted and angry] Get out of my house. Get out.

Isabel: [Sarcastically] Are you sure? I didn't see that on the schedule.

[She leaves]