Val: [after taking too much ED medication] I'm fighting the Battle of the Bulge here. This thing is going up and down like a yo-yo...
Val: [In the confessional] Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

Priest: How long since your last confession?

Val: 60 years give or take a few.
Hirsch: Hey, Val...

Val: Yeah?

Hirsch: It's like the old days, isn't it?

Val: No! It's better.

Hirsch: Yeah! Why?

Val: Because this time we can appreciate it.

Hirsch: Yeah, that's why.
Val: Are you a real doctor?

Doctor: Are you a real patient? Is that a real penis?
Doc: [as Val is urging them to steal the car] This car belongs to the Jargoniew brothers. I happen to know that.

Val: A-and that's supposed to mean something to me?

Doc: Nobody messes with these guys! They are the type of guys that take your kidneys out and not even sell them!
Doc: You can't open a car with a coat hanger any more, Val.

Val: Says who?

Doc: Says the people who make cars.
Val: Oh Ouh! Mount Everest just moved into my pants.
Val: They say we die twice. Once when the breath leaves our body, and once when the last person we know says our name.
Doc: My friend is looking for a "party".

Wendy: Yeah? What kind of party?

Val: Bar Mitzvah.
Doc: [stealing a gangster's car] This is not a good idea, Val.

Val: Yeah, well, my life is full of not good ideas.
Val: So how's your health?

Hirsch: Well, they took something out of me a couple of months ago.

Val: What'd they take out?

Hirsch: I don't know. I didn't ask, it's none of my business. But I'm a little more streamlined now, a little more aerodynamic.
Val: [Looking for the second girl in a proposed meage a trois] What about you?

Wendy: Who me? No. I don't do it for money. I just can't...

Val: Well, we won't pay you.
Val: So, what'll it be. Chew gum, or kick ass.

Doc: I'm all outta gum.
Hirsch: Give me the key.

Doc: There's no key.

Hirsch: Give me the key.

Doc: It's new. It's a button. Push the button.

Val: Push the button.

Doc: It's computers.

Hirsch: Man, this is like the future.
Doc: Exit, stage left.
Val: [Just coming out of prison] You look like shit!

Doc: You look worse!
Val: Your place looks like where I just came from except it's worse.

Doc: So, it's not to your liking. Sorry.

Val: Not to my liking is the understatement of all time.
Val: This is the worst apartment I've ever seen.

Doc: Hey, it's not much, but it's mine.
Doc: [These lines are read like a well-polished mantra familiar to all of them] What time is it?

Hirsch: I don't know. What time is it?

Val: It's time to kick ass or chew gum, and guess what?

Doc: I'm all out of gum!

[They ritually stomp their feet]
Doc: I can't do what I said I would do. Mercy is a one-saying, mercy...

Claphands: Finish this!
Val: I took the fall. For everyone. I'm a stand up guy.
Val: Hey, ladies! What do you say, what do you know? It's me, Giacomo!
Val: [Just shot a couple of thugs] : "Anyone else here wants to get shot ?"