Stalag 17 Quotes

[Opening narration]

Cookie: I don't know about you, but it always makes me sore when I see those war pictures... all about flying leathernecks and submarine patrols and frogmen and guerillas in the Philippines. What gets me is that there never w-was a movie about POWs - about prisoners of war. Now, my name is Clarence Harvey Cook: they call me Cookie. I was shot down over Magdeburg, Germany, back in '43; that's why I stammer a little once in a while, 'specially when I get excited. I spent two and a half years in Stalag 17. "Stalag" is the German word for prison camp, and number 17 was somewhere on the Danube. There were about 40,000 POWs there, if you bothered to count the Russians, and the Poles, and the Czechs. In our compound there were about 630 of us, all American airmen: radio operators, gunners, and engineers. All sergeants. Now you put 630 sergeants together and, oh mother, you've got yourself a situation. There was more fireworks shooting off around that joint... take for instance the story about the spy we had in our barracks...

Duke: Come on, Trader Horn, let's hear it. What'd you give the krauts for that egg?

Sefton: 45 cigarettes. Price has gone up.

Duke: They wouldn't be the cigarettes you took us for last night?

Sefton: What was I gonna do with them? I only smoke cigars.

Duke: Niiice guy. The krauts shoot Manfredi and Johnson last night, and today he's out trading with them.

Sefton: Look. This may be my last hot breakfast on account of they're going to take that stove out of here, so would you let me eat it in peace?

Animal: Now ain't that too bad? Tomorrow you'll have to suck a raw egg.

Shapiro: Oh, he don't have to worry. He can always trade the krauts for a six-burner gas range. Maybe a deep freeze, too.

Sefton: What's the beef, boys? So I'm trading. Everybody here is trading. So maybe I trade a little sharper. That make me a collaborator?

Duke: A lot sharper, Sefton. I'd like to have some of that loot you got in those footlockers.

Sefton: Oh you would, would you? Listen, stupe. The first week I was in this joint, somebody stole my Red Cross package, my blanket, and my left shoe. Well, since then I've wised up. This ain't no Salvation Army - this is everybody for himself, dog eat dog.

Hoffy: They ought to be under the barbed wire soon.

Shapiro: Looks good outside.

Animal: I hope they hit the Danube before dawn.

Price: They've got a good chance. The longest night of the year.

Duke: I'll bet they make it to Friedrichshaven.

Animal: I bet they make it all the way to Switzerland.

Sefton: And I bet they don't get out of the forest.

Duke: Now what kind of crack is that?

Sefton: No crack. Two packs of cigarettes say they don't get out of the forest.

Hoffy: That's enough, Sefton. Crawl back in your sack.

Shapiro: He'd make book on his own mother getting hit by a truck.

Sefton: Anybody call?

[after hearing gunshots, Sefton, who bet against the escapees, glumly collects]

Duke: Hold it, Sefton. I said hold it! So we heard some shots. So who says they didn't get away?

Sefton: [sadly] Anybody here want to double their bet?

Price: Are you questioning me?

Sefton: Getting acquainted. I'd like to make one friend in this barracks.

Price: Well, don't bother, Sefton. I don't like you, I never did, and I never will.

Sefton: A lot of people say that, and the first thing you know it, they get married, and live happily ever after.

Sefton: What is this anyway, a kangaroo court? Why don't you get a rope and do it right?

Duke: You make my mouth water.

Sefton: You're all wire-happy, boys. You've been in this camp too long. You put two and two together and it comes out four - only it ain't four.

Hoffy: What's it add up to you, Sefton?

Sefton: It adds up that you got yourselves the wrong guy. Because, I'm telling you, the krauts wouldn't plant two stoolies in one barracks. And whatever you do to me, you're gonna have to do all over again when you find the right guy.

[Shapiro received 7 letters at mail call]

Animal: What do all those broads say?

Shapiro: What do they always say?

Animal: Lemme read one.

Shapiro: It's not good for you, Animal.

Animal: Hey, this is with a typewriter... it's from a finance company.

Shapiro: So it's from the finance company. So, it's better than no letter at all. So they want the third payment on the Plymouth.

[dropping each letter on the floor in turn]

Shapiro: So they want the fourth... the fifth... the sixth... the seventh... So they want the Plymouth.

Animal: Sugar Lips Shapiro. Amazing, ain't it?

[the new arrival does impressions of movie stars]

Animal: Hey... do Grable.

Bagradian: Now see here, Scarlett... I'm crazy about you and always have been. I gave you kisses for breakfast, kisses for lunch, and kisses for supper... and now I find that you're eating out.

Animal: Not Gable - GRABLE.

Sgt. Schulz: How do you expect to win the war with an army of clowns?

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: We sort of hope you'd laugh yourselves to death.

Shapiro: I'm tellin' ya, Animal, these Nazis ain't kosher.

Animal: Ya can say that again!

Shapiro: I'm tellin' ya, Animal, these Nazis ain't kosher!

Animal: I said ya can say it again, that doesn't mean ya hafta repeat it!

[after an angry inmate throws something at him]

Sefton: Give that man a Kewpie doll.

Sefton: [questioning Price] When was Pearl Harbor, Price, or don't you know that?

Price: December 7th, '41.

Sefton: What time?

Price: [smugly] 6:00. I was having dinner.

Sefton: [smirks] 6:00 in Berlin.

[to the other barrack members]

Sefton: They were having lunch in Cleveland. Am I boring you boys?

Hoffy: Go on.

Sefton: He's a Nazi, Price is. For all I know his name is Preissinger or Preishoffer. Oh, sure, he lived in Cleveland. But when the war broke out, he came back to the Fatherland like a good little Bundist. He spoke our lingo, so they sent him to spy school and fixed him up with phony dog tags.

Sefton: The Germans know where Dunbar is.

Hoffy: How do they know?

Sefton: You told them, Hoffy.

Hoffy: Who did?

Sefton: You did.

Hoffy: Are you off your rocker?

Sefton: Uh-huh. Fell right on my head.

Sgt. Schulz: We will grab some shovels and we will undig that tunnel which you digged.

Animal: Shulz, why don't we just plug up the tunnel with the Commandant in one end, and you in the other?

Shapiro: Hey Schultz, sprechen Sie Deutsches?

Sgt. Schulz: Ja?

Shapiro: Then droppen Sie dead!

[Duke wants to know who the German spy is]

Sefton: It's no use, Schulz, you might as well come clean. Why don't you just tell them it's me, because I'm really the illegitimate son of Hitler, and after the Germans win the war, you're going to make me the Gauleiter of Zinzinnati!

Sefton: Okay, Herr Preisshoffer, let's have the mailbox.

Price: The what?

Sefton: The one you took out of the corner of your bunk and put in this pocket!

[pulls a black queen out of Price's jacket]

Sefton: Let me show you how they did it. They did it by mail.

Harry Shapiro: Mail?

Sefton: That's right. Little love notes between our Security officer and Von Scherbach, with Schulz the mailman.

[gestures to a lightbulb hanging above a table]

Sefton: Here's the flag. They used to put a loop in the cord.

[does so]

Sefton: Did you ever notice? And here's the mailbox. Hollow black queens.

[pops the two queens open]

Sefton: Cute, huh? They delivered the mail or picked it up whenever we were out of the barracks, like for appell. And when there was a special delivery, they'd pull a phony air raid to get us out of here, like last night for instance. There wasn't a plane in the sky. Or was there, Price?

Sefton: I told you boys I'm no escape artist. For the first time, I like the odds, because now I got me a decoy.

Hoffy: What's the decoy?

Sefton: Price. When I go, I want you to give me five minutes - exactly five minutes - to get Dunbar out of that water tank. And then you throw Price out onto the compound, nice and loud. He'll draw every light from every goon tower. It's our only chance to cut through. Well, what do you say, barracks chief?

Bagradian: He's right, Hoffy. It's either Price or Dunbar.

Animal: He killed Johnson and Manfredi, didn't he?

Hoffy: It's all yours.

[Sefton is cooking an egg]

Animal: Where'd it come from?

Sefton: From a chicken, bug-wit.

Marko the Mailman: Are the doors covered?

[the men cover the doors]

Hoffy: Yeah, they're covered.

Marko the Mailman: Okay, Steve, give them the radio.

[Blondie pulls a radio and earphones from under Steve's pant leg]

Marko the Mailman: You can keep it for two days.

Hoffy: Two days? We're supposed to have it for a week.

Marko the Mailman: You're lucky to get it at all! The boys are afraid the Jerries will find it in here. This barracks is jinxed!

[after Sefton cuts through the barbed wire to let them escape]

Sefton: Let's blow, Chauncey.

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: Let's.

[last lines]

Duke: [referring to Sefton's safe escape with Dunbar] Whadda ya know? The crud did it.

Shapiro: I'd like to know what made him do it.

Animal: Maybe he just wanted to steal our wire cutters. You ever think of that?

Price: Must you two always be last?

Animal: Oh, yeah? You try jumping in those trenches first. Everybody jumps in on top of you.

Shapiro: How do you think I got my hernia?

[coughs]

Oberst Von Scherbach: I'm grateful for a little company. I suffer from insomia.

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: Did you ever try 40 sleeping pills?

Geneva man: [a Red Cross official is inspecting the camp just after Sefton was beaten on suspicion being an enemy informant. The official sees his injuries] What happened to you? Were you beaten?

[Sefton doesn't answer]

Geneva man: Why don't you answer?

[to the German officer escorting him]

Geneva man: What did you do to this man?

Sefton: They didn't do nothing.

Geneva man: Who beat you?

Sefton: Nobody beat me. We were playing pinochle. It's a rough game.

Shapiro: Tea is being served on the veranda. Animal, where are the napkins?

[Animal puts down some napkins as Dunbar and Bagradian approach the table]

Bagradian: [Imitating Ronald Colman talking to his real-life wife, Benita Hume] Do be seated, Benita. Hwah, hwah, what a perfectly charming table arrangement. They must have copied the pattern from "House Beautiful."

Animal: Marko: All right

[shouts]

Animal: At ease! Animal:

[making fun of Marko]

Animal: At ease!

[to Sefton, after Price has been identified and subdued as the stoolie]

Duke: Brother, were we all wet about you!

Sefton: Forget it!

[scratches a match on Duke's stubble to light his cigar]

Price: Anybody asks for your papers, you're French laborers. And here's your map, Kraut money, Swiss francs.

Sgt. Manfredi: Roger.

Price: All right, now let's hear it one more time, boys.

Sgt. Johnson: We've been over it a hundred times.

Hoffy: Let's hear it again.

Sgt. Manfredi: We stick to the forest going west until we hit the Danube.

Price: Check.

Sgt. Johnson: Then we follow the Danube up to Linz.

Price: Check.

Sgt. Johnson: In Linz, we hop a barge and go all the way to Ulm.

Price: Check.

Duke: [Joey begins playing his ocarina] Stop it, Joey. Joey!

[he stops]

Duke: Go back to sleep.

Price: Go on. You're in Ulm.

Sgt. Johnson: Once in Ulm, we lie low until night. Then we take a train to Friedrichshafen.

Sgt. Manfredi: Once in Friedrichshafen, we steal a rowboat, get some fishing tackle, and start drifting across the lake, always south, 'til we hit the other side. Switzerland.

Sefton: Once in Switzerland, just give out with a big yodel, boys, so we'll know you're there. It's a breeze.

Hoffy: Stay out of this, Sefton.

Sefton: Just one question. Did you calculate the risk?

Price: You guys have some machine gun practice last night?

Sgt. Schulz: Oh, terrible. Such foolish boys. Such nice boys. I'd better not talk about it. It makes me sick to my stomach. Aufstehen. Aufstehen. Aufstehen. Roll call, everybody. Raus. Raus.

Duke: You killed them, huh? Both of 'em?

Sgt. Schulz: Oh, such nice boys. It makes me sick to my...

Duke: Don't wear it out!

Shapiro: Good morning, Animal. What would you like for breakfast? Scrambled eggs with little sausages? Bacon and eggs sunny-side up. Griddle cakes. A waffle.

Animal: Stop it, Harry. I'm warnin' you.

Shapiro: Coffee, milk, or maybe a little cocoa.

Animal: Why do you do this to me every morning?

Shapiro: Hamburgers and onions, strawberry shortcake, gefilte fish, chopped liver...

Animal: [grabbing his scarf like a garrotte] I'll kill you, Harry, so help me.

Shapiro: ...chicken a la king. Let go, Animal, it's roll call!

[getting Animal to release him]

Shapiro: Hitler is waitin' to see us.

Animal: As long as you're gonna move somebody in, how about a couple of them Russian broads?

Sgt. Schulz: Russian women prisoners?

Shapiro: Jawohl.

Sgt. Schulz: Some are not bad at all.

Animal: Ja. Just get us a couple with beautiful glockenspiels.

Sgt. Schulz: [sharing a roar of laughter, then stopping] Droppen sie dead!

Oberst Von Scherbach: [Animal throws Joey's ocarina into a puddle, which splashes mud onto his boots] Who did this?

[silence]

Oberst Von Scherbach: I will give the funny man exactly five seconds to step forward.

[no one moves]

Oberst Von Scherbach: Then you'll all stand here if it takes all day and all night.

[Animal steps forward]

Oberst Von Scherbach: That is better.

[Harry then steps forward, and the others all follow suit]

Oberst Von Scherbach: I see. 600 funny man. There will be no Christmas trees. But there will be delousing with ice water from the hoses.

Duke: How come the Krauts knew about that stove, Security? And the tunnel? How come you can't lay down a belch around here without them knowin' it?

Price: Look, if you don't like the way I'm handling this job, go get yourself...

Hoffy: Kill it, Duke. It's got us all spinnin'.

Duke: I just wanna know what makes them Krauts so smart.

Animal: Maybe they do it with radar. Maybe they got a mic hidden somewhere.

Shapiro: Yeah. Right up Joey's ocarina.

Duke: Or maybe it's not that they're so smart. Maybe it's that we're sto stupid. Maybe there's somebody in our barracks tipping 'em off, like one of us!

Sefton: You don't say.

Duke: Yes, I do say! One of us is a stoolie. A dirty, stinking stoolie!

Sefton: Is that Einstein's theory or did you figure it out for yourself?

Shapiro: [new prisoners are brought into the Russian women's compound] Chow, Animal. Chow.

Animal: I don't wanna eat. I wanna go over there. I just wanna talk with them.

Shapiro: No, you don't, Animal. You don't wanna talk to any broads with boots on.

Animal: I don't care if they wear galoshes!

Animal: [just missing chow time] Do you have to put your socks in my breakfast?

Triz' Trzcinski: Tough luck.

Animal: I hate this life!

Animal: [watching Sefton cook an egg] Are you gonna eat it all by yourself?

Sefton: Mm-hmm. The yellow and the white.

Animal: Is all right if we smell it?

Sefton: Just don't drool on it.

Shapiro: You're not gonna eat the shells?

Sefton: Help yourself.

Animal: [Harry gives him half the shell] Hey, thanks. What are we gonna do with it?

Shapiro: We're gonna plant it, Animal. We're gonna grow us a chicken for Christmas.

Price: How come you were so sure Manfredi and Johnson wouldn't get out of the forest?

Sefton: I wasn't so sure. I just liked the odds. What's that crack supposed to mean?

Price: They're lying dead out there in the mud and I'm trying to find out how come.

Sefton: I'll tell you how come. Because you, our security officer, said it'd be safe.

[to Hoffy]

Sefton: And you, the barracks chief, gave them the green light. That's how come. What are you guys trying to prove, anyway? Cuttin' trap doors, digging tunnels.

Duke: Listen, Sefton...

Sefton: You listen to me! What do you think the chances are of gettin' out of here? And let's say you make it to Switzerland. Let's say to the States. So what? They ship you out to the Pacific, slap you in another plane, and you get shot down again. Only this time you wind up in a Japanese prison camp. That is if you're lucky. Well, I'm no escape artist. Cigar, Cookie. You can be the heroes, the guys with fruit salad on your chest. Me, I'm stayin' put. And I'm gonna make myself as comfortable as I can. And if it takes a little trading with the enemy to get me some food or a better mattress, that's okay by Sefton.

Duke: [Sefton lights a match on his jacket sleeve] Why, you crud. This war's gonna be over someday. Then what you do you think we'll do to Kraut-kissers like you?

Marko the Mailman: Today's camp news. Father Murray announces that due to local regulations, the Christmas midnight mass will be held at 7:00 in the morning. He also says, quote, "All you sack rats better show up for services, and no bull from anybody." Unquote.

[muttering]

Marko the Mailman: At ease.

Animal: At ease!

Marko the Mailman: Next. Monday afternoon, a sailboat race will be held at the cesspool. See Oscar Rudolph of barracks 7 if you wish to enter a yacht.

[laughter and boos]

Marko the Mailman: All right, at ease.

Animal: At ease!

Marko the Mailman: Next. Jack Cushingham and Larry Blake will play Frank de Notta and Mike Cohen for the pinochle championship of the camp.

Shapiro: That's a fix.

Marko the Mailman: [mutters of agreement] All right, at ease.

Animal: At ease!

Marko the Mailman: Next. Tuesday afternoon at 2:00, all men from Texas will meet behind the north latrine.

[laughter and boos]

Marko the Mailman: All right, at ease.

Animal: At ease!

Marko the Mailman: Next. A warning from the kommandant.

[boos]

Marko the Mailman: Anybody found throwing rocks at low-flying German aircraft will be thrown in the boob.

Sgt. Schulz: Well, well, gentlemen, am I interrupting something?

Hoffy: Yeah, Schulz, we were just passin' out guns.

Sgt. Schulz: Guns?

[realizing he's kidding]

Sgt. Schulz: Ah, you're joking. Always with the visecrackers.

Shapiro: Visecrackers. Where did he pick up his English, in a pretzel factory?

Sgt. Schulz: You always think I'm a square. I've been to America. I've been wrestling there. I wrestled in Milwaukee and St. Louis, in Cincinnati, and I will go back. The way the war is going, I will be there before you.

Shapiro: You should live so long.

Sgt. Schulz: [sharing a laugh, then stopping] Here. That's me in Cincinnati.

Animal: [taking a picture] Who's the other wrestler? The one with the mustache?

Sgt. Schulz: That's my wife.

Animal: Hey, look at all that meat. Ain't she the bitter end?

Sgt. Schulz: [taking the picture back] Oh, give it back. You must not arouse yourself.

Animal: [losing a racing bet] Schnickelfritz. I told you Schnickelfritz. You made me bet on Equipoise.

Shapiro: I clocked him this morning. He was running like a doll.

Animal: You clocked him? Why don't I clock you?

Animal: It ain't fair, Harry. I'm telling you, it ain't fair. My Betty. Ain't she beautiful? She married an orchestra leader.

Shapiro: So what? There's other women.

Animal: Not for me.

[kissing the picture]

Animal: Betty. Betty.

Shapiro: Forget Betty, Animal. I'll get you a date with some of those Russian women.

Animal: You'll get me a date?

Shapiro: Sure. I'll get you into the Russian compound.

Animal: How? Pinky Miller from barracks 8 tried getting over there and they shot him in the leg.

Shapiro: It... it takes a gimmick, Animal. I figured us a little gimmick.

Animal: You did?

Shapiro: [pointing to his temple, indicating his brain] Sharp. Sometimes I'm so sharp, it's frightening.

Harry Shapiro: [after a shot of schnapps Sefton brewed] Mr. Management, what are you tryin' to do? Embalm us while we're still alive?

Sefton: What'd you expect for two cigarettes? Eight-year-old bottle-in-bond? All the house guarantees is you don't go blind.

Animal: Blind? Harry! Harry! Harry, I'm blind, Harry. Harry, where are you? I can't see you. I'm blind, Harry. Harry. Harry, I'm blind.

Harry Shapiro: Blind? How stupid can you get, Animal?

[he raises takes Animal's hat, which has been covering his eyes]

Hoffy: Hey, Sefton. What's the big idea? Take that telescope out of here.

Sefton: Says who?

Hoffy: Says me.

Sefton: You take it out. Only you're gonna have a riot on your hands.

Hoffy: Every time the men get Red Cross packages, you have to think up some angle to rob 'em.

Price: When the Krauts find that gadget, they'll throw us all in the boob.

Sefton: They know about that gadget. I'd worry more about that radio.

Duke: Maybe they also know about your distillery and the horse races.

Sefton: That's right.

Duke: Just what makes you and them Krauts so buddy-buddy?

Sefton: Ask Security. Go on, tell him, Price. You've got me shadowed every minute of the day. Or haven't you figured it out yet?

Price: Not yet.

Hoffy: Answer the question. How do you rate all these privileges?

Sefton: I grease the Kraut guards. I give 'em ten percent of the take.

Hoffy: [seeing Blondie making use of ping pong balls] What's the idea? You don't think you can eat that stuff.

Sgt. 'Blondie' Peterson: We're building us a smudge pot so Patton can find us when he comes. 20 parts of cellulose, 1 part phosphorous. Watch.

[demonstrating]

Sgt. 'Blondie' Peterson: He'll be able to see our smoke signal four miles away.

Hoffy: But Patton is 400 miles away.

Sgt. 'Blondie' Peterson: Well, I say be prepared.

Hoffy: [laughing] Okay, Boy Scout.

Sefton: Lieutenant Dunbar?

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: Yeah.

Sefton: It wouldn't be James Skylar Dunbar from Boston?

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: Yes, it sure would. Do we know each other?

Animal: Oh, he's from Boston, too, but you wouldn't know him. Not unless you had your house robbed.

Sefton: Maybe he would. We were gonna be officers together, remember? Only they washed me out. Glad to see you made it. Of course, it couldn't be that all of that dough behind you had something to do with it. His mother's got $20 million.

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: 25.

Sefton: They've got a summer home in Nantucket with an upstairs polo field. Better put a canopy over his bunk.

Hoffy: Lay off, Sefton.

Sefton: Say, with all your mother's pull, how come you're not a chicken colonel by now?

Hoffy: Lay off, I said, unless you want your head handed to you.

Animal: Ah, that Schulz pig. He knew where the radio was all the time.

Hoffy: Whoever that stoolie is, he's sure batting 1.000.

Sgt. Schulz: [after confiscating the POWs' radio] Hoffy, I'm very sorry about the mousetrap, but the war news are very depressing anyway, huh?

[speaking German to another guard]

Sgt. Schulz: I might as well also confiscate the antenna.

Animal: [opening Sefton's foot locker] Of all the hoarding cruds.

Hoffy: It looks like Macy's basement, don't it?

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: That kid's richer than my mother.

Shapiro: [as he picks up a cuckoo clock, the bird pops out and "chirps"] Ah, shut up!

Animal: [finding a pair of pantyhose in Sefton's foot locker] For crying out loud. What would he be doing with these?

Duke: Suppose you ask me. Go on, ask me. Because I got the goods on Mr. Sefton. Because this time, he didn't shake me.

[setting up the telescope at the window]

Duke: Take a look for yourself. It'll curdle your guts.

Animal: [realizing] The Russian women!

Hoffy: [ushering him out of the way] Get away.

Duke: Here, try the end window, where the candy is.

Shapiro: Come on, Hoffy, we all want to see.

Hoffy: How'd he get over there?

Duke: Easy. Walked right through the gate, past the guard, like he was some Kraut field marshal.

Hoffy: Now we know what he got for the radio.

Animal: Did you have a good time over there?

Sefton: Oh. Somebody was peeking. Yeah, had a dreamy time. Those dames, they really know how to throw a party. I've known some women in my time, but between you and me, there's just nothing like the hot breath of the Cossacks. There are a couple of blonde snipers over there. Real man-killers. They...

[seeing his foot locker open]

Sefton: What's this? What happened, Cookie? Who did it?

Hoffy: We did it.

Sefton: There better not be anything missing. This is private property.

Price: So was the radio private property. So were Manfredi and Johnson.

Sefton: What about the radio?

Bagradian: How did he ever find out about that ammunition train?

Price: You two must have shot your mouths off all the way from Frankfurt to here.

Bagradian: No, we didn't.

Hoffy: Maybe just a hint or so? Think hard.

Bagradian: I don't have to think. We didn't say anything to anybody. Not a word. Not until we hit this barracks.

Sefton: [everyone turns to look at him] What are you looking at me for?

[the guards outside call for lights out]

Sefton: I suppose some jerk's gonna say I did it.

Hoffy: I called a meeting of the barracks chiefs this morning, Sefton. I thought maybe I could get you transferred to another barracks. But it turns out that nobody likes you any more than we do.

Sefton: So you're stuck with me, huh?

Animal: Maybe the Russian broads would take him.

Shapiro: Not with that kisser. Not anymore.

Duke: You got off lucky last night, Sefton. One more move, and you'll wake up with your throat cut!

Price: You listening, Sefton?

Sefton: Yeah, I still got one good ear.

German Lieutenant: Here we have a typical barrack. It houses 75 men. Every one of them has his own bunk, naturally.

Geneva man: Naturally. It would be rather awkward to have three men in one bunk.

German Lieutenant: As for the blankets, you will notice they're very warm. 50% wool.

Geneva man: They also smell of mothballs. When were they issued? This morning? What do you do for heat in this barrack? No stove.

German Lieutenant: The men here used it as a trap door, so we had to remove it temporarily.

Geneva man: How long is temporarily? I trust not until July.

Hoffy: Since you want us to speak up, there was a man removed from this barracks last night. A Lieutenant Dunbar. We'd appreciate your looking into it. That's if they haven't shot him yet.

Geneva man: Why was the man arrested?

German Lieutenant: Sabotage. He blew up a train.

Hoffy: They'd have to prove that first, wouldn't they? Isn't that what the Geneva Convention says? You can't just take a man out and shoot him.

Geneva man: I want to talk about Lieutenant Dunbar. Is this Lieutenant Dunbar?

Oberst Von Scherbach: It is.

Geneva man: What exactly is he charged with?

Oberst Von Scherbach: Whatever it is, it's out of your jurisdiction. This man is not a prisoner of war. Not anymore. He's a saboteur.

Geneva man: He's a prisoner of war until you can prove sabotage.

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: I didn't do it. I was in the Frankfurt station and the train was three miles away when it blew up.

Oberst Von Scherbach: Come now, you threw a time bomb.

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: How could I have had a time bomb? They searched me when they took me prisoner.

Geneva man: And the way you search your prisoners, it does sound rather unlikely.

Oberst Von Scherbach: All I know is he did it. I am satisfied.

Geneva man: I am not. According to the Geneva Convention, this man...

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: Is there anything in the Geneva Convention that'll let a guy sleep?

[he stumbles over to von Scherbach's couch and falls asleep]

Oberst Von Scherbach: You were saying?

Geneva man: Simply this. After the hostilities are ended, there will be such a thing as a War Crimes Commission. If the man should be convicted without proper proof, you will be held responsible, Oberst von Scherbach.

Oberst Von Scherbach: Interesting.

Geneva man: Isn't it?

Oberst Von Scherbach: Very well. If you insist on details, I have ways of finding out about that blasted time bomb. Good day, sir. You will forgive me for receiving you like this.

Geneva man: Perfectly all right. I do not like boots.

Price: Something I've been meaning to ask you. It has to do with security.

Bagradian: Shoot.

Price: We're having a hard time keeping our stuff hidden from the Krauts. Like our escape equipment, for instance. So we're always looking for new devices.

Bagradian: Uh-huh.

Price: Looks like you found one.

Bagradian: Me?

Price: Well, I mean the lieutenant. He hid a time bomb on him, right? He even carried it all the way through prisoners' search, didn't he? Well, where did he hide it?

Bagradian: Right in his pocket. The old cigarette-match gag.

Price: What's that?

Bagradian: [quickly demonstrating] You take a book of matches, light a cigarette, slip it in. It takes about three minutes for the cigarette to burn down. Then it sets off the matches. Simple.

Price: Some time bomb.

Price: [playing horseshoes] Where'd you learn your pitching?

Bagradian: From the farmer's daughter.

Sefton: Shut off the moaning or you'll have the machine guns on us. Shut it off, Lieutenant.

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: My legs are frozen.

Sefton: You'd better get that blue blood circulating, 'cause we're busting out of this stink hole in exactly one minute and 20 seconds.

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: Sefton.

Sefton: What'd you expect, a St. Bernard dog?

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: Not you.

Sefton: Want some brandy?

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: Yeah.

Sefton: Who doesn't? Suppose we wait until we hit the Waldorf-Astoria?

Lt. James Skylar Dunbar: Okay. It's on me.

Sefton: You won't get off that cheap.