Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse Quotes

Miles Morales: How many more Spider-People are there?

Peter B. Parker: Save it for Comic-Con.

Miles Morales: What's "Comic-Con"?

Spider-Ham: That's all, folks.

Peter B. Parker: Is he allowed to say that? Legally?

Peter B. Parker: What did you say your name was?

Doc Ock: Dr. Olivia Octavius.

[takes off her lab coat to reveal her mechanical octopus tentacles, one of which shoots out and pins Peter to the floor]

Peter B. Parker: Can I assume your friends call you Doc Ock?

Doc Ock: My friends actually call me Liv. My *enemies* call me Doc Ock.

Spider-Man Noir: Hey, fellas.

Miles Morales: Is he in black and white?

Peter B. Parker: Where is that wind coming from? We're in a basement.

Spider-Man Noir: Wherever I go, the wind follows. And the wind... smells like rain.

Brooklyn Visions Security Guard: I know you snuck out last night, Morales.

Miles Morales: [thinking] Play dumb!

Miles Morales: Who's Morales?

Miles Morales: [thinking] Not that dumb!

Peter B. Parker: This could literally not get any weirder.

Spider-Ham: It *can* get weirder!

[holds out his hand, which is wet for some reason]

Spider-Ham: I just washed my hands. *That's* why they're wet.

[beat]

Spider-Ham: No other reason.

Stan: [as Miles buys a Spider-Man costume] I'm going to miss him.

Miles Morales: Yeah.

Stan: We were friends, you know.

Miles Morales: Can I return it if it doesn't fit?

Stan: It always fits. Eventually.

Lyla: You're a bit late.

Miguel O'Hara: Can't all be everywhere at once.

Lyla: A little text might have been nice.

Miguel O'Hara: I was gone for less than two hours. What happened?

Lyla: Okay, okay, okay. I know what it looks like, but... here's the good news.

Miguel O'Hara: Oh, here we go.

Lyla: The multiverse didn't collapse.

Miguel O'Hara: Oh, cool!

Lyla: A little touch and go. It worked out.

Miguel O'Hara: Great story. Hey, did you finish the goober?

Lyla: It's not a goober. It's a gizmo.

Miguel O'Hara: You always have to call me out? It's just really frustrating and that bums me out.

Lyla: Don't get too excited, Miguel. It's just a prototype.

Miguel O'Hara: Not excited.

Lyla: But you could be the first person to make an autonomous multiverse jump. Or the last.

Miguel O'Hara: Okay, so we're just... gonna roll the dice on this?

Lyla: So what do you say, pal? Where do you want to go first?

Miguel O'Hara: Let's start at the beginning, one last time. Earth-67.

[Miguel jumps into Earth-67 and meets that universe's Spider-Man]

Miguel O'Hara: Whoa!

Spider-Man (Earth-67): What the- ?

Miguel O'Hara: I'm Spider-Man. I need you to come with me.

Spider-Man (Earth-67): [pointing at Miguel] Who the heck are you?

Miguel O'Hara: [pointing back] I, I just told you. Now listen, listen. I'm from the future.

Spider-Man (Earth-67): [pointing back] How dare you point at me.

Miguel O'Hara: [pointing back] You, you were pointing first.

Spider-Man (Earth-67): [pointing back] It's rude to point.

Miguel O'Hara: [pointing back] You're being very rude! You're not even believing what I'm saying!

Police Officer (Earth-67): Which one pointed first?

J. Jonah Jameson (Earth-67): Spider-Man pointed first. Obviously!

Miguel O'Hara: [as both Spider-Men continue to point at each other] You're pointing at me right now! Look at you! Look what you did there! Look at your finger right now!

Spider-Man (Earth-67): You're pointing. I've been pointing at your pointing. It's different than normal pointing.

Miguel O'Hara: You are pointing...

Spider-Man (Earth-67): You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you.

Miguel O'Hara: You're accusing me of pointing while you're...

[referring to Kingpin]

Gwen Stacy: What a pig.

Spider-Ham: [offended] I'm right here!

Peter B. Parker: [to Miles, after he lost his uncle Aaron] We've all been there. For me, it was my uncle Ben.

Spider-Man Noir: For me, it was my uncle Benjamin.

Peni Parker: For me, it was my father.

Gwen Stacy: For me, it was my best friend.

Spider-Ham: Miles, the hardest thing about this job is you can't always save everybody.

Miles Morales: Gosh, don't cops run red lights?

Jefferson Davis: Oh, yeah. Some do. But not your dad.

Jefferson Davis: With great ability comes great accountability.

Miles Morales: That's not how it goes.

Spider-Man Noir: OK, little fella, Kingpin's gonna send a lot of mugs after ya, I'm talking hard boys, real biscuit boxers. Can you fight them all off at once?

Miles Morales: Well, I, I haven't actually fought anyone...

Spider-Man Noir: Surprise attack!

[Miles tries to fight Spider-Man Noir, but Noir knocks him down. Peni jumps in]

Peni Parker: Can you re-wire a mainframe while being shot at?

Miles Morales: Can I what?

Peni Parker: Show me!

Spider-Man Noir: Surprise attack!

[Noir knocks him down again]

Gwen Stacy: Can you swing and flip with the grace of a trained dancer?

Spider-Man Noir: Can you close off your feelings so you don't get crippled by the moral ambiguity of your violent actions?

Aunt May: Can you help your aunt create an online dating profile so she can get out of the dang house once in a while?

Spider-Ham: Can you float through the air when you smell a delicious pie?

Miles Morales: What?

Gwen Stacy: Can you be strong?

Peni Parker: Ruthless?

Gwen Stacy: Disciplined?

Miles Morales: I don't know, maybe...

Spider-Ham: BOING!

Spider-Man Noir: Show me some moxie, soldier!

Gwen Stacy: Above all, no mater how many times you get hit, can you get back up?

Spider-Man Noir: Because when a Spider-Man is on the floor...

Gwen Stacy: - When you think you've given your all...

Spider-Ham: - When you think you can't keep going...

Spider-Man Noir: - Spider-Man always gets up.

Peter B. Parker: This kid can turn himself invisible! Watch this, he can do it... now!

Miles Morales: I can't do it on command...

Peter B. Parker: He can't do it on command! But it is cool. Show them the zappy thing, Miles.

Miles Morales: I can't do it on command.

Peter B. Parker: He can't do it on command! But he can do so much more, like what else do you do?

Miles Morales: Just those two things.

Peter B. Parker: Just those two things.

Miles Morales: What's going on with your body?

Peter B. Parker: I don't think my atoms are real jazzed about being in the wrong dimension.

[glitches]

Peter B. Parker: Look, I'm not looking for a side gig as a Spider-Man coach. I got a lot going on in my dimension, like a lot.

Miles Morales: With great power comes great...

Peter B. Parker: Don't you dare finish that sentence! Don't do it. I'm sick of it.

Spider-Man Noir: [looking at a Rubik's Cube] This is purple?

Spider-Ham: No.

Spider-Man Noir: Blue?

Spider-Ham: No.

Miles Morales: When will I know I'm ready?

Peter B. Parker: You won't. It's a leap of faith. That's all it is, Miles. A leap of faith.

Peter B. Parker: [in reference to an impressive move Miles does] Ah, we taught him that, right?

Gwen Stacy: I didn't teach him that. And you *definitely* didn't.

Miss Calleros: Mr. Morales, moving in the dark. You're late again.

Miles Morales: Einstein said time was relative, right? Maybe I'm not late. Maybe you guys are early.

Gwen Stacy: [beat, but then giggles] Sorry. It was just so quiet.

Mary Jane: [mistaking Peter for a waiter] Hello.

Peter B. Parker: Oh, wow.

Mary Jane: Um, I just wondered if we could have some more bread at table twelve.

Peter B. Parker: Yeah! I'm just, I'm really sorry...

Mary Jane: Oh, don't be sorry. It's just bread.

Peter B. Parker: No, I wasn't there for you when you needed me.

Mary Jane: Mmm-hmm...

Peter B. Parker: And I didn't even try.

Mary Jane: That's fine. I should really get going...

Peter B. Parker: I know I could do better if I just had another chance to give you... the bread that you deserve.

Mary Jane: Are you okay?

Gwen Stacy: Ma'am, we'll take care of that bread right now.

Mary Jane: It's been nice, uh, talking to you.

Peter B. Parker: For you they should fill this place up with fresh bread.

Gwen Stacy: [to Peter] You all right, man?

Peter B. Parker: Yeah, totally.

Gwen Stacy: Okay, good, 'cause we are not getting any bread.

[first lines]

Peter Parker: [narrating] All right, let's do this one last time. My name is Peter Parker. I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and for ten years I've been the one and only Spider-Man. I'm pretty sure you know the rest. I saved a bunch of people, fell in love, saved the city, and then I saved the city again... and again and again and again. And I, uh... I did this.

[shot of Spidey doing the emo dance from "Spider-Man 3"]

Peter Parker: We don't really talk about this. Look, I'm a comic book, I'm a cereal, did a Christmas album. I have an excellent theme song. And a so-so popsicle. I mean, I've looked worse. But after everything, I still love being Spider-Man. I mean, who wouldn't? So no matter how many hits I take, I always find a way to come back. Because the only thing standing between this city and oblivion is me. There's only one Spider-Man. And you're looking at him.

Peter B. Parker: Ah, you have a goober. Give it.

Miles Morales: [referring to the Peter Parker of his universe] Wait, no. He called it an override key.

Peter B. Parker: There's always a bypass key, a virus key, a who-cares key I can never remember so I just call it a goober.

Miles Morales: I was there when it all happened. I'm sorry.

Aunt May: And what dimension are *you* from?

Miles Morales: Brooklyn.

Scorpion: Puerco? What are you, some kind of silly cartoon?

Spider-Ham: You got a problem with cartoons?

Miles Morales: [final lines, voiceover] Okay, let's do this one last time, yeah? For real this time. This is it. My name is Miles Morales. I was bitten by a radioactive spider. And for like two days, I've been the one and only Spider-Man. I think you know the rest. I finished my essay. I saved a bunch of people. Got hit by a drone. Did this with my dad. Met my roommate finally. Slapped a sticker where my Dad's never going to find it. And when I feel alone, like no one understands what I'm going through, I remember my friends who get it. I never thought I'd be able to do any of this stuff. But I can. Anyone can wear the mask. You can wear the mask. If you didn't know that before, I hope you do now. Cuz I'm Spider-Man. And I'm not the only one. Not by a long shot.

Gwen Stacy: [from beyond her dimension] Miles! Miles! Miles! You got a minute?

Peter Parker: Listen, we gotta team up here, we don't have that much time.

[drops USB drive into Miles' hand]

Peter Parker: This override key is the only way to stop the collider. Swing up there, use this key, push the button and blow it up. You need to hide your face. You don't tell anyone who you are. No one can know. He's got everyone in his pocket.

Miles Morales: [overwhelmed with information] What?

Peter Parker: If he turns the machine on again, everything you know will disappear. Your family, everyone. *Everyone*. Promise me you'll do this.

Miles Morales: I promise.

Peter Parker: Go! Destroy the collider! I'll come and find you!

[as Miles exits]

Peter Parker: It's gonna be ok.

[when Miles was tied up in a chair and muffled with webbing after Peter and the other Spider-People left]

Jefferson Davis: [knocks on the door, outside Miles' dorm] Miles? Miles, it's your dad. Please open the door.

[Miles struggles to break free, but stops, listening to his father outside the door]

Jefferson Davis: Miles, I can see your shadow moving around. Yeah. Okay, I get it. I get it. Still ignoring me. Look, can we talk for a minute? Something happened...

[Miles was feeling sad to hear this]

Jefferson Davis: Look, sometimes... people drift apart, Miles. And I don't want that to happen to us, okay? Look, I know I don't always do what you need me to do or say what you need me to say, but I... I see this... this spark in you, it's amazing, it's why I push you. But it's yours, and whatever you choose to do with it, you'll be great.

[Miles comes closer to the door and listened to this]

Jefferson Davis: Look; call me when you can, okay? I love you. You don't have to say it back, though.

[Miles isn't able to respond due to being tied up and muffled, and his father knocked on the door as a farewell to him, walking off]

[to Kingpin]

Miles Morales: Hey...

Peter B. Parker: [by a shed in Aunt May's backyard] Oh, yeah, I got one of these, too. A little shed where I keep all my Spider-gear.

[Aunt May inserts a key, the shed lights up, and the doors open to reveal an elevator. Aunt May motions the group inside]

Peter B. Parker: [nonchalant] I mean, this place is pretentious.

[the elevator descends into a massive underground lab filled with various costumes, advanced weapons, and high-tech vehicles]

Miles Morales: Whoa! Dude, was yours anything like this?

Peter B. Parker: Mine was like this, but take away the Jeep, the plane... imagine it way smaller... imagine a futon... I feel sorry for this guy.

Miles Morales: Are you a ghost?

Peter B. Parker: No.

Miles Morales: Are you a zombie?

Peter B. Parker: Stop it.

Miles Morales: Am *I* a zombie?

Peter B. Parker: You're not even close.

Miles Morales: Are you from another dimension? Like, a parallel universe where things are like this universe, but different? And you're Spider-Man in that universe? But somehow traveled to this universe, but you don't know how?

Peter B. Parker: [stares] Wow. That was really just a guess?

Uncle Aaron: [weakly] Miles...

Miles Morales: Uncle Aaron. This is my fault.

Uncle Aaron: No, Miles. I'm sorry. I wanted you to look up to me. I let you down, man, I let you down. You're the best of all of us, Miles. You're on your way. Just... just keep going... just keep going...

[dies]

Jefferson Davis: I love you, Miles.

Miles Morales: Yeah, I know, Dad. See you Friday.

[Miles gets out of the police cruiser and starts walking towards the school; Jefferson blips the siren]

Jefferson Davis: [into the cruiser P.A. radio] You gotta say "I love you" back.

Miles Morales: Dad, are you serious?

Jefferson Davis: [into P.A] I wanna hear it.

Miles Morales: You wanna hear me say it.

Jefferson Davis: [into P.A] I love you, Dad.

Miles Morales: You're dropping me off at a school.

Jefferson Davis: [into P.A] I love you, Dad.

Miles Morales: Look at this place...

Jefferson Davis: [into P.A] Dad, I love you.

[long pause; everyone is staring]

Miles Morales: [defeated] Dad... I love you.

Jefferson Davis: [into P.A] That's a copy. Tie your shoes, please.

Miles Morales: Why do you look like Peter Parker?

Peter B. Parker: Because I *am* Peter Parker.

Miles Morales: Then why aren't you dead? Why is your hair different? Why are you older? Why is your body... a different shape?

Peter B. Parker: Pretty sure you just called me fat.

Miles Morales: No, no, you just...

Peter B. Parker: Hey, listen, you don't look so hot either, kid. Most superheroes don't wear their own merch.

Miles Morales: The other Peter said he was going to be showing me the ropes.

Peter B. Parker: Wow.

Miles Morales: You got any Spider-Man tips you can tell me now?

Peter B. Parker: Yeah, I got plenty. Disinfect the mask. You're gonna want to use baby powder in the suit, heavy on the joints. You don't want any chafing, right?

Miles Morales: Anything else?

Peter B. Parker: Nope, that was everything.

Miles Morales: I think you're going to be a bad teacher.

Peter B. Parker: All right, people, let's do this one last time. My name is Peter B. Parker. I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and for the last twenty-two years I thought I was the one and only Spider-Man. I'm pretty sure you know the rest. You see, I saved the city, fell in love, I got married, saved the city some more, maybe too much, my marriage got testy, made some dicey money choices - don't invest in a Spider-themed restaurant. Then like fifteen years passed, blah blah blah super boring, I broke my back, a drone flew into my face, I buried Aunt May, my wife and I split up. But I handled it like a champion.

[cut to Peter crying on the floor of the shower in his spider-suit]

Peter B. Parker: 'Cause you know what? No matter how many times I get hit, I always get back up. And I got a lot of time to reflect and work on myself. Did you know that seahorses that they mate for life? Could you imagine a seahorse seeing another seahorse and then making it work? She wanted kids and it scared me. I'm pretty sure I broke her heart. Flash forward, I'm in my apartment doing pushups, doing ab crunches, getting strong -

[he is actually lying on the floor eating pizza]

Peter B. Parker: - when this weird thing happened. And I gotta say, weird things happen to me a lot. But this was *real* weird. You see, I was in New York, but... things were different. Also I was dead. And blonde. I was kind of... perfect. It was like looking in a mirror. I have a feeling the thing that brought me here was the thing that got him killed. You wanna know what happened next?

[beat]

Peter B. Parker: Me, too.

Gwen Stacy: [voiceover] All right, people, let's start at the beginning one last time. My name is Gwen Stacy. I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and for the last two years I've been the one and only Spider-Woman. You guys know the rest. I joined a band. Saved my dad. I couldn't save my best friend, Peter Parker. So now, I save everyone else. And I don't do friends anymore. Just to avoid any distractions. And one day, this weird thing happened. And I mean, like, *really* weird. I was blown into last week. Literally. I landed in New York, but not my New York. My spider sense told me to head to Visions Academy. I wasn't sure why until I met you...

[back to the present; Gwen stares down Miles]

Miles Morales: I like your haircut.

Gwen Stacy: You don't get to like my haircut.

Peter B. Parker: What are you doing?

Miles Morales: Making you feel guilty. Is it workin'?

Miles Morales: Do I get to like the hairdo now?

[Miles and Gwen laugh]

Gwen Stacy: You know I'm older than you. Fifteen months, but it's pretty significant, if you ask me.

Miles Morales: Well, Einstein said time was relative, right?

Gwen Stacy: [laughs] Nice.

Miles Morales: [offers his hand] Friends?

Gwen Stacy: [hesitates, then takes Miles' hand and holds it] Friends.

Miles Morales: Cool.

Gwen Stacy: See you around, Spider-Man.

Kingpin: I'd say it's nice to see you again, Spider-Man. But it's not.

Peter Parker: [weakly, gravely injured] Hey, Kingpin. How's business?

Kingpin: Booming. Ha!

Peter Parker: Nice...

[Kingpin rips off Peter's mask]

Peter Parker: Aww, that's a no-no.

[beat]

Peter Parker: This might open a black hole under Brooklyn. It can't be worth the risk.

Kingpin: It's not always about the money, Spider-Man.

[Prowler advances on Peter, claws extended]

Peter Parker: [frantic] Don't you want to know what I saw in there?

Kingpin: [holds up a hand] Wait.

Peter Parker: I know what you're trying to do... and it won't work. They're gone.

[Kingpin stares, eyes narrowed, then furiously slams his fists down onto Peter, killing him]

Kingpin: [to Prowler] Get rid of the body.

Peter B. Parker: [being shot at by Kingpin's workers] All right, time to swing, just like I taught you.

Miles Morales: When did you teach me that?

Peter B. Parker: I didn't. It's a little joke for team-building.

[tosses Miles a web-shooter]

Peter B. Parker: All right, you ready?

Miles Morales: Of course I'm not ready!

[Peter snaps the web-shooter onto Miles' wrist and throws him off the building]

Miles Morales: Whoa! Whoa! I can't do this yet!

Peter B. Parker: Everyone knows that the best way to learn is under intense, life-threatening pressure!

Miles Morales: I gotta say, you're amazing, man.

Peter B. Parker: We're a little team. Me as the teacher who can still do it, you as the student who can do it, just not as good. I'm proud of us!

[beat]

Peter B. Parker: Is there something you want to say to me?

Mary Jane: My favorite thing about Peter is that he made us each feel powerful. We all have powers of one kind or another. But in our own way, we are all Spider-Man. And we're all counting on you.

Miles Morales: [quietly] They're counting on me...

Metaphor Man: Probably not you specifically. I think it's a metaphor.

Miles Morales: [grumbling] Why did I get stuck with the janky old, broke, hobo Spider-Man?

[punches a rock in frustration and cracks it]

Miles Morales: That's new.

Peter B. Parker: Go back outside!

Miles Morales: No! I can't sit there and just let Spider-Man die without doing anything about it. I'm not doing that again!

[Peter stares at Miles, starts to soften]

Miles Morales: What?

Peter B. Parker: Most people I meet in the workplace try to kill me, so... you're a nice change of pace.

Miles Morales: [riding in Jeff's patrol car] Seriously, Dad, walking would have been fine.

Jefferson Davis: You can walk plenty on Saturday when you peel those stickers off.

Miles Morales: You saw that? I don't know if that was me, Dad.

Jefferson Davis: And the two from yesterday on Clinton.

Miles Morales: [sheepishly] Yeah. Those were me.

Miles Morales: [receives a test graded "0/100"] A zero, huh? A few more of those, you'd probably have to kick me out of here, huh? Maybe I'm just not right for this school.

Miss Calleros: If a person wearing a blindfold picked the answers on a true-or-false quiz at random, do you know what score they would get?

Miles Morales: Fifty percent?

Miss Calleros: That's right!

Miles Morales: Wait, wait...

Miss Calleros: The only way to get all the answers wrong... is to know which answers are right.

[changes the test score to "100/100" and looks up at Miles]

Miss Calleros: You're trying to quit. And I'm not gonna let you.

Jefferson Davis: Soooo... look at that, another new coffee shop. You see that, Miles?

Miles Morales: [bored] Totally, yeah.

Jefferson Davis: You see that one? What's that one called?

Miles Morales: Foam Party.

Jefferson Davis: [laughs] "Foam Party"? Come on! And everyone is just lining up! You see that, Miles?

Miles Morales: See it.

Jefferson Davis: Is that a coffee shop or a disco?

Miles Morales: [rolls his eyes] Dad, you're old, man.

Gwen Stacy: Buckle up, guys, this is going to take a while.

[Gwen, Miles, and Peter brace themselves as Doc Ock flies toward them... and then relax as Doc Ock is flattened by a rogue 18-wheeler]

Gwen Stacy: All right, never mind. Let's end this thing.

Miles Morales: Guys, I got it.

Peter B. Parker: I'll go. I'm the one with the goob...

[Miles holds up the override key]

Peter B. Parker: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Miles Morales: Don't watch the mouth. Watch the hands.

Peter Parker: [fighting Green Goblin as Miles watches from a distance] Norman, listen to me...

Miles Morales: [voiceover] Spider-Man?

Peter Parker: I cannot let you open a portal to another dimension! Brooklyn is not zoned for that!

Green Goblin: It's not up to me.

Miles Morales: [voiceover] Is that Green Goblin?

Green Goblin: Why won't you quit?

Peter Parker: I don't know. I guess I like Brooklyn not being sucked into a black hole!

Miles Morales: [voiceover] I think I'm gonna go...

Peter Parker: Staten Island, maybe. Not Brooklyn!

Aunt May: You look tired, Peter.

Peter B. Parker: Well, I am tired.

Aunt May: And older. And... thicker.

Peter B. Parker: Yeah, I've heard that already.

Aunt May: Oh, jeez, are those sweatpants?

Gwen Stacy: Yep. That's what they are.

Aunt May: [as the Spider-People prepare to fight Kingpin's henchmen in May's living room] Would you mind taking this outside?

Spider-Man Noir: We don't pick the ballroom. We just dance.

Girl: [tapping Miles's shoulder] Hey. Your shoe's untied.

Miles Morales: Yeah, I'm aware. It's a choice.

Uncle Aaron: You know about the shoulder touch?

Miles Morales: 'Course I do.

[chuckles nervously]

Miles Morales: But, uh, tell me anyway.

Uncle Aaron: Walk up to her and be like...

[gently places his arm on Miles's shoulder, cocks an eyebrow, adopts suave voice]

Uncle Aaron: ... hey.

Miles Morales: [chuckles suspiciously, brushes Uncle Aaron's hand off his shoulder] You serious, Uncle Aaron?

Uncle Aaron: I'm telling you man, it's science.

Miles Morales: So walk up to her and be like...

[pats Aaron's shoulder, uses normal voice]

Miles Morales: ... hey.

Uncle Aaron: No, no, no, no. Like... hey.

Miles Morales: [trying again, still not quite getting it] Hey.

Uncle Aaron: No. Hey.

Miles Morales: [places hand on Aaron's shoulder, exaggerated wink and voice] Hey.

Uncle Aaron: [laughs] You sure you my nephew, man?

Gwen Stacy: [bumps into Miles] Oh! Are you okay?

Miles Morales: What?

[wipes his forehead]

Miles Morales: [voiceover] Why am I so sweaty?

Gwen Stacy: Why are you so sweaty?

Miles Morales: It's a puberty thing. I don't know why I said that. I'm not going through puberty. I did. But I'm... done.

[deep, "cool" voice]

Miles Morales: I'm a man.

Spider-Man Noir: Get a load of how the waiters are dressed.

[seeing the waiters are all dressed like Spider-Man]

Spider-Man Noir: It's in poor taste, but... it can't be that easy.

[cut to them sneaking in as waiters]

Spider-Man Noir: It's that easy.

Spider-Man Noir: My name is Peter Parker.

Peni Parker: My name is Peni Parker.

Spider-Ham: My name is Peter Porker.

Spider-Man Noir, Peni Parker: I was bitten by a radioactive spider.

Spider-Ham: [simultaneously] I was bitten by a radioactive pig.

Spider-Man Noir: In my universe, it's 1933, and I'm a private eye. I like to drink egg creams, and I like to fight Nazis. A lot.

Peter B. Parker: So, uh, how did you get here?

Spider-Man Noir: Well, it's kind a long story.

[flashback to the shockwave that brought him, Spider-Ham, and Peni here]

Spider-Man Noir: Maybe not that long.

Kingpin: I killed Spider-Man. Why did I just see two more?

Doc Ock: There's three, actually.

[Kingpin glares]

Doc Ock: No, this is good, this is very, very good. It means you get what you want. It means my collider works. All we have to do is kill a couple of spiders... and the collider will bring your family back. As many families as you want.

[Kingpin stares, then nods to Tombstone, who holsters his guns]

Kingpin: Tomorrow at my collider.

[Kingpin and Tombstone leave]

Doc Ock: [indignant] *Our* collider.

Doc Ock: Okay, I'm kinda freaking out right now. I mean, you're supposed to be dead.

Peter B. Parker: Surprise!

[she removes his mask]

Peter B. Parker: Oh, okay. That's... that's a no-no. We don't like that.

Doc Ock: This is fascinating.

Peter B. Parker: [she smooshes his lips] Okay, that's my face.

Doc Ock: An entirely different Peter Parker. Okay, little bit of a gut, perhaps from dimensional warping.

Peter B. Parker: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was way flatter before I warped.

Peter B. Parker: Miles, you gotta unstick. What do you do to relax?

Miles Morales: Relax. Okay, okay, okay.

[he starts humming Post Malone's "Sunflower"]

Peter B. Parker: Oh, for crying out loud.

[as Miles continues humming, he unsticks and loudly crashes to the ground]

Peter B. Parker: Teenagers. Just the worst.

Doc Ock: If we fire again this week, there could be a black hole under Brooklyn. You see this? And this? This is multiple dimensions beginning to crash into each other.

Peter B. Parker: [eavesdropping with Miles, he makes the "running mouth" hand gesture] This is pretty standard Spider-Man stakes. You get used to it. Watch this. He's gonna say "You've got 24 hours."

Kingpin: You've got 24 hours.

Doc Ock: What this means is there could be a rupture in the space-time continuum.

Peter B. Parker: Ooh. That's bad. Actually, everything she said was bad. I was lying before.

Peter B. Parker: And it's a "no" on the cape.

Miles Morales: I think it's cool.

Peter B. Parker: [taking it off] Take that off. It's disrespectful. Spider-Man doesn't wear a cape.

Miles Morales: [sneaking into Alchemax] So how do we retrace Peter's steps?

Peter B. Parker: That's a good question. What would I do if I were me?

[thinking for a moment]

Peter B. Parker: Got it.

[montage]

Peter B. Parker: Step one: I infiltrate the lab. Two: find the head scientist's computer.

Miles Morales: That lady with the bike is the head scientist. I saw her in this documentary at school.

Peter B. Parker: Cool. Step three: I re-examine my personal biases. Step four: I hack the computer.

Miles Morales: It's not technically hacking.

Peter B. Parker: Not now. I just lost my train of thought. Step five: download the important stuff. I'll know it when I see it. Step six: I grab a bagel from the cafeteria and run.

Miles Morales: [the montage ends] So, what am I doing?

Peter B. Parker: [stretching] Uh, step seven: you stay here. You're lookout. Very important.

Miles Morales: Look, man, you gotta teach me how to do Spider-Man stuff or I'm not gonna be able to help.

Peter B. Parker: [swinging away] Watch and learn, kid. I'll quiz you later!

Peter B. Parker: I love this burger. So delicious. Mm. One of the best burgers I've ever had. In my universe, this place closed six years ago. Mm. I don't know why. I really don't. Mm!

[a chef brings the check]

Peter B. Parker: You have money, right? I'm not very liquid right now.

Peter Parker: Norm, what's your take on head trauma?

[large ceiling tile falls and hits Green Goblin over the head, knocking him flat]

Peter Parker: I tried to warn you, pal.