Spider-Man: Homecoming Quotes

[Spider-Man shows up at a robbery carried out by men in Avengers masks]

Spider-Man: Wait a minute... You guys aren't the real Avengers! I can tell. Hulk gives it away.

Peter Parker: I'm sick of Mr. Stark treating me like a kid.

Ned Leeds: But you are a kid.

Peter Parker: Yeah. A kid who can stop a bus with his bare hands.

Peter Parker: I've gotta go.

Michelle: Where are you going?

[Peter stares at her]

Michelle: What are you hiding, Peter?

[Peter still stares at her, at a loss for words]

Michelle: [laughs] I'm just kidding. I don't care. Bye.

Ned Leeds: [to Peter] Can you summon an army of spiders?

Peter Parker: No, man!

Adrian Toomes: How many times have I told you not to fire them out in the open?

Jackson Brice: You said to move the merchandise!

Adrian Toomes: Under the radar! Under the radar! If you bring Damage Control or the Avengers down here, we're through! You're out there, wearing that goofy thing like Mel Carbs, calling yourself the Shocker! "I'm the Shocker! I shock people!" What is this, Pro Wrestling?

Mr. Harrington: It would be terrible to lose a student...

Mr. Harrington: ...on a school trip...

Mr. Harrington: ...again.

Ned Leeds: Peter, are you okay?

Spider-Man: Yeah. Just keep trying to get through to Happy.

Ned Leeds: It's been an honor, Spider-Man.

[library lights turn on]

Ms. Warren: What are you doing here? There's a dance.

Ned Leeds: Uh...

[quickly shuts his laptop]

Ned Leeds: [awkwardly] I'm... looking... at porn.

Mr. Delmar: [In Spanish] His aunt is a beautiful Italian woman!

Peter Parker: [In Spanish] How's your daughter?

[after punching Spider-Man into a bus using the Shocker Gauntlet]

Herman Schultz: You know, I wasn't too sure about this at first, but... damn!

[Peter's face is turning pale white, after finding out that Toomes is Liz's father]

Adrian Toomes: Hey, you up for some bourbon, some gin, rum?

Spider-Man: I'm not old enough to drink.

Adrian Toomes: Right answer.

[winks]

Peter Parker: I can't make it to the Decathlon next week. I have the Stark Internship.

Abe: Oh, no.

Michelle: Peter's not going to Nationals.

Abe: Why not?

Liz: Really, before Nationals?

Michelle: Figures. He's already bailed out on marching band and robotics club.

[Everyone looks at her]

Michelle: I'm not obsessed with him, I'm just super observant.

Peter Parker: [in a car with Tony] So, to become an Avenger, is there like trials or an interview?

Tony Stark: Just don't do anything I *would* do.

[Peter nods]

Tony Stark: And definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do.

[Peter looks confused]

Tony Stark: There's a little gray area in there and that's where you operate.

Peter Parker: Oh...

Tony Stark: Alright?

[Tony reaches across Peter with his arm. Peter wraps his arms around him]

Tony Stark: That's not a hug, I'm just grabbing the door for you.

[opens Peter's door]

Tony Stark: All right, kid. Good luck out there.

Mac Gargan: Rumor has it that you know who he is.

Adrian Toomes: If I knew who he was, he'd already be dead.

Spider-Man: I got you!

Karen: This is your chance. Kiss her.

[Vulture's wings cut the building pillars surrounding Spider-Man]

Spider-Man: You missed! You didn't even hit me!

Adrian Toomes: Yeah, but then again... I wasn't even trying to.

Adrian Toomes: Peter, you're young. You don't understand how the world works.

Peter Parker: Yeah, but I understand that selling weapons to criminals is wrong!

Adrian Toomes: How do you think your buddy Stark paid for that tower, or any of his little toys? Those people, Pete, those people up there, the rich and the powerful, they do whatever they want. Guys like us, like you and me... they don't care about us. We build their roads and we fight all their wars and everything. They don't care about us. We have to pick up after them. We have to eat their table scraps. That's how it is. I know you know what I'm talking about, Peter.

Peter Parker: Why are you telling me this?

Adrian Toomes: 'Cause I want you to understand. And... I needed a little time to get her airborne.

[Summons Vulture harness]

Adrian Toomes: [Turns a gun to Peter] Does she know?

Peter Parker: Know what?

Adrian Toomes: So she doesn't, good. Close to the vest, I admire that. I've got a few secrets of my own. Of all the reasons I didn't want my daughter to date! Peter, nothing is more important than family. You saved my daughter's life, and I could never forget something like that, so I'll give you one chance. You ready? You walk through those doors, and you forget any of this happened. And don't you ever, ever interfere with my business again, because if you do, I'll kill you, and everyone that you love. I'll kill you dead. That's what I'll do to protect my family. Pete, you understand? Hey. I just saved your life. Now, what do you say?

Peter Parker: [Awkwardly] Thank you.

Adrian Toomes: You're welcome. Now, you go in there, and you show my daughter a good time, okay? Just not too good.

Peter Parker: Wow, they're in the middle of a heist! I could catch them all red-handed, this is awesome! Okay, I'm gonna get a little closer so I can see what's happening.

Karen: Would you like me to engage Enhanced Combat Mode?

Peter Parker: Enhanced Combat Mode? Yeah!

Karen: Activating Instant-Kill.

Peter Parker: What? No, no, no, I don't wanna kill anybody!

Karen: Deactivating Instant-Kill.

[Peter jumps out of his position and tries to swing, only to plummet face-first into the ground]

Peter Parker: What the hell just happened?

Karen: You jumped off a sign and landed on your face.

Tony Stark: Sorry I took your suit. I mean, you had it coming. Actually, it turns out it was the perfect sort of tough love moment that you needed, right? To urge you on, right? Wouldn't you think? Don't you think?

Peter Parker: Gee, I, I...

Tony Stark: Let's just say it was.

[sighs]

Peter Parker: Mr. Stark, I'm...

Tony Stark: You screwed the pooch hard. Big time. But then you did the right thing: you took the dog to the free clinic, you raised the hybrid puppies... alright, not my best analogy. I was wrong about you. I think with a little more mentoring, you could be a real asset to the team.

Peter Parker: To the, to the... to the team?

Tony Stark: Yeah! Anyway, there's about 50 reporters behind that door, real ones, not bloggers, so when you're ready...

[Reveals the Iron Spider Armor]

Tony Stark: Why don't you try that on... and I'll introduce the world to the newest official member of the Avengers: Spider-Man.

Street Vendor: Hey! You're that spider guy from TV!

Spider-Man: Call me Spider-Man.

Street Vendor: Ok, Spider-Man. Do a flip.

[Spider-Man does a flip]

Street Vendor: YEAH!

Peter Parker: No, Spider-Man isn't a party trick! I'm just gonna be myself.

Ned Leeds: Peter, nobody wants that!

Adrian Toomes: [pulls up to a red traffic light] That's terrible what happened down there in DC, though. Were you scared? I bet you were glad when your old pal Spider-Man showed up in the elevator, though, huh?

Peter Parker: Yeah, well, I- I- I actually didn't go up. I saw it all from the ground. Pretty lucky that he was there that day.

Adrian Toomes: [traffic light turns green] Good old Spider-Man.

[Spider-Man interrogates Aaron Davis in a comical manner]

Aaron Davis: Can I give you some advice? You gotta get better at this part of the job.

Spider-Man: [Spider-Man secures Davis's hand to his car with a web] That's going to dissolve in two hours.

Aaron Davis: No. No, no! You're going to fix this!

Spider-Man: Two hours! You deserve that!

Aaron Davis: I've got ice cream!

Spider-Man: You're a criminal! Bye, Mr. Criminal!

Michelle: Excuse me, can we go already? Because I was hoping to get in some light protesting in front of an embassy before dinner.

Mr. Harrington: Protesting is patriotic.

Peter Parker: We should probably stop staring before it gets weird.

Michelle: Too late, you guys are losers.

Ned Leeds: Then why do you sit with us?

Michelle: Because I don't have any friends.

Spider-Man: Hey big guy quit moving around!

Ned Leeds: I'm sorry, so sorry sir.

[first lines]

Adrian Toomes: Things are never gonna be the same. I mean, look at this. You got aliens. You got big green guys tearing down buildings. When I was kid, I used to draw cowboys and Indians.

Phineas Mason: Actually, it's Native American, but whatever.

Tony Stark: Previously on "Peter Screws the Pooch", I tell you to stay away from this. Instead, you hacked a multi-million dollar suit so you could sneak around behind my back doing the *one thing* I told you not to do.

Peter Parker: Is everyone okay?

Tony Stark: No thanks to you.

Peter Parker: No thanks to me? Those weapons were out there and I tried to tell you about it, but you didn't listen. None of this would've happened if you had just listened to me! If you even cared, you'd actually be here.

[Tony Stark steps out of the suit to reveal that he *is* in fact there]

Tony Stark: I did listen, kid. Who do you think called the FBI, huh? Do you know that I was the only one who believed in you? Everyone else said I was *crazy* to recruit a 14-year-old kid.

Peter Parker: I'm 15.

Tony Stark: No, this is where you ZIP IT, alright? The adult is talking! What if somebody had died tonight? Different story, right? 'Cause that's on *you*. And if you died, I feel like that's on me. I don't need that on my conscience.

Peter Parker: Yes, sir, I...

Tony Stark: Yes.

Peter Parker: I'm sorry. In sorry.

Tony Stark: "Sorry" doesn't cut it.

Peter Parker: I understand. I just wanted to be like you.

Tony Stark: And I wanted you to be better. Okay, it's not working out. I'm gonna need the suit back.

Peter Parker: For how long?

Tony Stark: Forever.

Peter Parker: [on the verge of tears] No! No, no, no! Please, please, please!

Tony Stark: Let's have it.

Peter Parker: You don't understand! This is all I have! I'm nothing without this suit!

Tony Stark: If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it, okay? God, I sound like my dad.

Peter Parker: I don't have any other clothes.

Tony Stark: Okay, we'll sort that out.

Tour Guide: Ok, guys, I know that was scary, but our safety systems are working.

Karen: The safety systems are completely failing.

Tour Guide: We're very safe in here.

Karen: The occupants are in imminent mortal danger.

Tony Stark: Hey, May. How you doing? What are you wearing? Something skimpy, I hope.

[Peter frowns at Tony]

Tony Stark: Peter, that's inappropriate. All right, let's start over. You can edit it.

Flash: I don't know. I got to check my calendar first. I got a hot date with Black Widow coming up.

Abe: [ringing the bell] That is false.

Mr. Harrington: What did I tell you about using the bell for comedic purposes?

Spider-Man: Hey, Happy! Um, here's my report for tonight. I stopped a grand theft bicycle. Couldn't find the owner, so I just left a note. Um... I helped this lost, old Dominican lady. She was really nice and bought me a churro. So I just, um, feel like I could be doing more. You know? Just curious when the next real mission is gonna be. So, yeah, just call me back. It's Peter. Parker.

[He hangs up the phone]

Spider-Man: Why would I tell him about the churro?

Steve Rogers: Today, my good friend, your gym teacher will be conducting the Captain America Fitness Challenge.

Coach Wilson: Thank you, Captain. I'm pretty sure this guy's a war criminal now, but whatever. I have to show these videos. It's required by the state. Let's do it.

Betty: Now, see, for me, it would be F Thor, marry Iron Man, and kill Hulk.

Charles: Well, what about the Spider-Man?

Betty: It's just Spider-Man.

Liz: Did you guys see the bank security cam on YouTube? He fought off four guys.

Betty: Oh my God, she's crushing on Spider-Man.

Charles: No way.

Liz: Kind of?

Betty: Ugh, gross. He's probably like, thirty.

Ned Leeds: You got hit by a spider? Can it bite me? Well, it probably would have hurt, right? You know what? Whatever. Even if it did hurt, I'd let it bite me. Maybe. How much did it hurt?

Peter Parker: The spider's dead, Ned.

Michelle: My friends call me MJ.

Ned Leeds: I thought you didn't have any friends.

Michelle: I... didn't.

Ned Leeds: Do you lay eggs?

Peter Parker: [taken aback] What? No!

Ned Leeds: Can you spit venom?

Peter Parker: No.

Ned Leeds: Can you summon an army of spiders?

Peter Parker: [beat] No, Ned.

Adrian Toomes: You know what? I can't afford your bullshit. Get out of here.

Jackson Brice: What?

Adrian Toomes: You're done. You're off the crew.

Jackson Brice: Yeah, all right. All right. I wonder if you can afford me out there, though, right? With everything I know?

Adrian Toomes: Excuse me?

Jackson Brice: Um, I'm just saying... maybe your wife would like to know where you really get your money from.

Adrian Toomes: You know what?

Jackson Brice: What?

Adrian Toomes: You're right.

[turns to Mason, points to a weapon on the table]

Adrian Toomes: That work?

Phineas Mason: I don't know.

[Toomes picks up the weapon, turns back to Brice]

Phineas Mason: I can't afford that.

[Toomes fires the weapon and incinerates Brice, reducing him to a pile of ash]

Herman Schultz: Damn.

Adrian Toomes: [stares at the weapon, confused] I thought this was the anti-gravity gun.

Phineas Mason: What? No, that's that one.

[Toomes walks over to the ash pile, picks up the Shocker gauntlet, and hands it to Schultz]

Adrian Toomes: Here. Now you're the Shocker. Get out there and find that weapon he lost.

Herman Schultz: [grins] A'ight.

Pepper Potts: Where's the kid?

Happy Hogan: He left.

Pepper Potts: Everybody's waiting.

Tony Stark: You know what? He actually made a really mature choice. It just surprised the heck out of us.

Pepper Potts: Did you guys screw this up?

Tony Stark: [points at Happy] He told the kid to go wait in the car.

Pepper Potts: Are you kidding me? I've got a room full of people in there waiting for some big announcement. What am I gonna tell them?

Tony Stark: Think of something. How about, um... Hap, you still got that ring?

Happy Hogan: [pretends to search his pockets] Do I... I, uh...

Tony Stark: The engagement ring!

Happy Hogan: [smirks] Are you kidding? I've been carrying this since 2008.

[takes out the ring and holds it up]

Tony Stark: Okay.

Pepper Potts: I think I can think of something better than that.

Tony Stark: Well, it would buy us a little time.

[Pepper kisses Tony]

Tony Stark: Like we need time.

Ned Leeds: Always got that internship.

Peter Parker: Yeah, well, hopefully, soon it'll lead to a real job with them.

Ned Leeds: That would be so sweet.

Peter Parker: Right?

Ned Leeds: He'd be all, "Good job on those spreadsheets, Peter. Here's a gold coin."

[Peter gives him a look]

Ned Leeds: I don't know how jobs work.

Peter Parker: That's exactly how they work.

Ned Leeds: Oh.

[Chuckles]

Anne Marie Hoag: If you have a grievance you may take it up with my superiors.

Adrian Toomes: Your superiors and who the hell are they!