Soul Quotes

Terry: Mm, that's weird.

Counselor: What is it?

Terry: The count's off.

Counselor: Excuse me?

Terry: There's a soul missing. The count's off.

Counselor: Huh.

[Joe arrives in The Great Before]

Joe: Uh, hey, is this Heaven?

Jerry: [laughs] No.

Joe: Is it H-E-double hockey sticks?

Young Souls: [popping up below him] Hell. Hell, hell, hell.

Jerry: [to Young Souls] Shh. Quiet coyote.

[laughs, to Joe]

Jerry: It's easy to get turned around. This isn't the Great Beyond. It's the Great Before.

Principal Arroyo: Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Gardner.

[INSTRUMENTS PLAYING DISCORDANTLY]

Joe: [CHUCKLES] You're doing my ears a favor.

Joe: Who... Who are you?

Jerry: I am the coming together of all quantized fields of the universe. Appearing in a form your feeble human brain can comprehend.

Joe: What?

Jerry: You can call me Jerry.

22: I'm gonna make you wish you never died.

Counselor Jerry: Most people wish that, 22.

Joe: By the way, why do you sound like a middle-aged white lady?

22: I don't. This is all an illusion.

Joe: Huh?

22: This whole place is a hypothetical.

[in male voice]

22: I could sound like this if I wanted to.

[in kid's voice]

22: Or sound like this instead.

[in normal voice]

22: I could even sound like you.

[She takes Joe's form and imitates his voice]

22: Life is so unfair. I don't wanna die. Somebody call the wah-mbulance. Wahhhh!

[in normal voice]

22: I just use this voice because it annoys people.

Joe: It's very effective.

[first lines]

Joe: All right, let's try something else.

[tapping stick]

Joe: Uh, from the top. Ready. One, two, three.

Dez: Not everyone can be Charles Drew inventing blood transfusions.

22: [in Joe's body] Or me, playing piano with Dorothea Williams. - I know.

Paul: You are not all that. Anyone could play in a band if they wanted to.

Joe: [in a cat's body] Don't pay Paul any mind. People like him just bring other people down so they can make themselves feel better.

22: [in Joe's body] Oh, I get it. He's just criticcizing me to cover up the pain of his own failed dreams.

Paul: You cut deep, Joe.

Joe: We never found out what 22's purpose was.

Counselor Jerry: Excuse me?

Joe: You know, her spark. Her purpose. Was it music? Biology? Walking?

Counselor Jerry: We don't assign purposes. Where did you get that idea?

Joe: Because I have piano. It's what I was born to do. That's my spark.

Counselor Jerry: A spark isn't a soul's purpose. Oh, you mentors and your passions. Your "purposes." Your "meanings of life." So basic.

22: Okay, look, I already know everything about Earth, and I don't want anything to do with it.

Joe: You're missing out on the joys of life. Like, uh, pizza!

[he sniffs the slice of pizza in his hand]

Joe: I can't smell!

[he pops the slice of pizza in his mouth]

Joe: We can't...

[the slice of pizza just pops out of him]

Joe: We can't taste either?

22: All that stuff is in your body.

Joe: No smell! No taste!

22: Or touch.

[she slaps him across the face]

22: See?

[she continues to slap his face]

Joe: Okay. I get it!

Jerry: So what do you think you'll do? How are you gonna spend your life?

Joe: I'm not sure. But I do know... I'm going to live every minute of it.

[last lines]

Terry: Oi! Movie's over! Go home!

Joe: Am I dead?

Jerry: Not yet. Your body's in a holding state.

Dorothea: What's wrong, Teach?

Joe: It's just I've been waiting on this day for... my entire life. I thought I'd feel different.

Dorothea: [beat] I heard this story about a fish. He swims up to this older fish and says, "I'm trying to find this thing they call the ocean." "The ocean?" says the older fish. "That's what you're in right now." "This?" says the young fish. "This is water. What I want is the ocean."

[Joe just stares, bewildered]

Dorothea: See you tomorrow.

Doctor: Perhaps our therapy cat can go to his next appointment.

[Joe hisses]

Doctor: Okay. Okay.

Joe: You ready?

22: Huh?

Joe: To come live.

22: ...I'm scared, Joe. I'm not good enough. And anyway, I... I never got my spark.

Joe: Yes, you did. Your spark isn't your purpose. That last box fills in when you're ready to come live. And the thing is, you're pretty great at jazzing.

Joe: [in the Hall of Everything] Croissants, cakes. Baking could be your spark.

22: Yeah! But I don't get it.

Joe: Just smell it.

22: Can't, and neither can you.

Joe: [he sniffs the slice of pizza in his hand] What? You're right. I can't smell.

[he pops the slice of pizza in his mouth]

Joe: We can't...

[the slice of pizza just pops out of him]

Joe: We cant taste either?

22: All that stuff is in your body.

Joe: No smell! No taste!

22: Or touch.

[she slaps him across the face]

22: See?

Joe: [22 continues to slap his face] Okay. I get it!

Joe: [Joe comforts 22 as she hesitates to leap down onto Earth and finally be born as a human. He gently takes her hand and the two step into the portal together] I'll go with you.

22: You know you can't do that.

Joe: I know, but I'll go as far as I can.

Counselor Jerry: Here at the You Seminar, all new souls are given unique and individual personalities.

Young Souls: I'm an agreeable skeptic who's cautious yet flamboyant.

Young Souls: I'm an irritable wallflower who's dangerously curious.

Young Souls: I'm a manipulative megalomaniac who's intensely opportunistic.

Counselor Jerry: Oh-ho, this one might be a handful. But that's Earth's problem.

Joe: How about a librarian? They're cool.

22: Yes, amazing. Who wouldn't like working at a thankless job you're always in danger of losing due to budget cuts?

Jerry: You five will be... insecure, and you twelve will be... self-absorbed.

Counselor Jerry: We really should stop sending so many through that pavilion.

Joe: [after being taken back to the Great Beyond] I was going to play with Dorothea Williams!

22: And I was about to find my spark!

Joe: Find your spark? My life was finally going to change!

22: You promised, but you wouldn't even give me five minutes!

Joe: I lost everything because of you!

Terry: [interrupting] Joe!

[Joe stops arguing with 22 and looks at Terry]

Terry: You cheated.

[Joe goes silent]

Joe: Wait, are you actually helping me?

22: Joe, I have been here for who knows how long, and I've never seen anything that's made me wanna live. And then, you come along. Your life is sad and pathetic, and you're working so hard to get back to it! Why? I mean, this I gonna see!

Dez: You're the boss

Joe: I am?

Dez: When you're in this chair, yeah, you are