Some Like It Hot Quotes

Joe: [apologizing because the motor boat will only move backwards] I'm afraid it may take a little longer.

Sugar: It's not how long it takes, it's who's taking you.

Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.

Jerry: I'm a boy.

Joe: That's the boy.

Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?

Joe: What engagement present?

Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.

Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!

Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?

Beinstock: [as Daphne falls up the train steps] . Whoops-a-daisy!

[smacks his bottom]

Daphne: Fresh!

Joe - 'Josephine': [grabbing Daphne by the collar] Daphne?

Daphne: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.

Jerry: Have I got things to tell you!

Joe: What happened?

Jerry: I'm engaged.

Joe: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?

Jerry: I am!

Jerry: Now you've done it! Now you have done it!

Joe: Done what?

Jerry: You tore off one of my chests!

Joe: But, you're *not* a girl! You're a *guy*, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy?

Jerry: Security!

Joe: There's another problem.

Jerry: Like what?

Joe: Like, what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?

Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.

Sugar: Water polo? Isn't that terribly dangerous?

Junior: I'll say. I had two ponies drowned under me.

Joe: We didn't see anything!

Jerry: We didn't hear anything either!

Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.

Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?

Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!

Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?

Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.

Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!

Junior: Look, if all you're interested in is whether I am married or not...

Sugar: Oh, I'm not interested at all.

Junior: Well, I'm not.

Sugar: That's very interesting!

[at the booking office, trying to be hired]

Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway?

Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five.

Jerry: We could pass for that.

Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde.

Jerry: We could dye our hair.

Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls.

Jerry: We could...

Joe: No, we couldn't!

Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!

Joe: What are you looking for - hunchbacks or something?

Sig Poliakoff: It's not the backs that worry me.

Bouncer: [examining a golf bag] What's in here?

Spats' Henchman: My golf clubs. The putter, niblick, number three iron...

Bouncer: [pulling out a Tommy sub-machine gun] What's this?

Spats' Henchman: My mashie!

Sweet Sue: Idiot broads! Here we are, all packed, ready to leave for Miami, and what happens? The saxophone runs off with a Bible salesman, and the bass fiddle gets herself pregnant! Beinstock, I ought to fire you!

Beinstock: Me? I'm the manager of the band, not the night watchman.

Osgood: [referring to his mother] Right now, she thinks I'm out there on my yacht - deep sea fishing!

Daphne: Well, pull in your reel, Mr. Fielding, you're barking up the wrong fish!

Toothpick Charlie: Look, chief, I better blow 'cause if Columbo sees me, it's gonna be "Goodbye Charlie!"

Mulligan: Goodbye, Charlie.

Osgood: You must be quite a girl.

Daphne: Wanna bet?

Mulligan: You better bring a check in case the joint is raided.

Waiter: Who's gonna raid a funeral?

Mulligan: Some people got no respect for the dead.

Mulligan: What happened here?

Little Bonaparte: [referring to Spats and his thugs] There was something in that cake that didn't agree with them.

Mulligan: My compliments to the chef. Nobody leaves this room until I get the recipe.

Little Bonaparte: You wanna make a federal case of it?

Mulligan: [grabs the speaker of Little Bonaparte's hearing aid] Yeah!

[first lines]

Mulligan: All right, Charlie; that the joint?

Toothpick Charlie: Yes, sir.

Mulligan: Who runs it?

Toothpick Charlie: I already told you.

Mulligan: Refresh my memory.

Toothpick Charlie: Spats Columbo.

Mulligan: That's very refreshing; what's the password?

Toothpick Charlie: "I've come to Grandma's funeral." Here's your admission card.

[he gives Mulligan a mourning armband]

Mulligan: Thanks, Charlie.

Toothpick Charlie: Now if you want a ringside table, just tell 'em that you're one of the pallbearers.

Mulligan: OK, Charlie.

Osgood: I am Osgood Fielding the third.

Daphne: I'm Cinderella the second.

Jerry: Oh, why did I let you talk me into this?

Joe: I thought you weren't speaking to me.

Spats Colombo: Hello, copper. What brings you to Miami?

Mulligan: Heard you "opera lovers" were having a convention, so I thought I'd better be around in case anybody decided to sing.

Spats Colombo: [when his speakeasy is raided] What's the rap this time?

Mulligan: Embalming people with coffee - 86 proof.

Sweet Sue: Are you two from the Poliakoff agency?

Joe: Yes, we're the new girls.

Daphne: Brand new!

Daphne: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter.

Joe: Watch it, Daphne!

Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie...

Joe: Look, Stoop...

Daphne: And cherry tart...

Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!

Sugar: I come from this musical family. My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor.

Joe: Where did he conduct?

Sugar: On the Baltimore and Ohio.

Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business.

Daphne: Is that so?

Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.

Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows?

Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.

Daphne: You're not sure?

Osgood: Mama is keeping score.

Sugar: Been waiting long?

Junior: [gallantly] It's not how long you wait, it's who you're waiting for!

Sugar: [on the yacht Junior's pretending he owns] Which is the port and which is the starboard?

Junior: Well that depends. That depends on whether you're coming or going. I mean, *normally*, normally, the aft is on the other side of the stern. But - And that's the bridge, so you can get from one side of the boat to the other.

Sugar: [admiring a large fish trophy] What is it?

Junior: It's a member of the herring family.

Sugar: A herring? Isn't it amazing how they get those big fish into those little glass jars?

Junior: They shrink when they're marinated.

Sugar: Oh Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened!

Joe: What?

Sugar: Guess.

Joe: They repealed prohibition?

Jerry: Oh come now, you can do better than that.

Sugar: I met one of them.

Joe: One of whom?

Sugar: Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, he's got glasses, he's got a yacht!

Joe: You don't say.

Jerry: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle!

Sugar: [after running back to the room to tell Josephine about the millionaire, Joe's other alter ego, and finding she's not there] Well I'll be back later.

Jerry: Oh no you wait. I have a feeling she'll show up any minute.

Sugar: Believe it or not, Josephine predicted the whole thing.

Jerry: Yeah, this is one for Ripley.

Sugar: Do you suppose she went shopping?

Jerry: Shopping! That's it! Something tells me she's gonna come through that door in a brand new outfit!

Joe: We won't breathe a word!

Spats Colombo: You won't breathe nothin' - not even air.

Mulligan: You shave with your spats on?

Spats Colombo: I sleep with my spats on.

Sugar: [pouring bourbon into paper cup] Turn the lights on.

Daphne: No lights, we don't want anyone to know we're having a party.

Sugar: But I might spill some.

Daphne: So spill it! Spills, thrills, laughs, and games. This may even turn out to be a surprise party.

Sugar: What's the surprise?

Daphne: Not yet.

Sugar: When?

Daphne: Better have a drink first.

Sugar: There. That'll put hair on your chest.

Daphne: No fair guessing.

Sugar: Oh, Daphne, how can I ever repay you?

Jerry: Oh, I can think of a million things.

[Sugar gets into bed with him]

Jerry: And that's one of them!

Sugar: If my mother could only see me now.

Joe: I hope *my* mother never finds out.

[last lines]

Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.

Osgood: Why not?

Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.

Osgood: Doesn't matter.

Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!

Osgood: I don't care.

Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.

Osgood: I forgive you.

Jerry: [tragically] I can never have children!

Osgood: We can adopt some.

Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh...

[Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig]

Jerry: [normal voice] I'm a man!

Osgood: [shrugs] Well, nobody's perfect!

[Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out]

[Jerry sees Joe impersonating a wealthy yachtsman to flirt with Sugar]

Sugar: [to Joe] This is my friend Daphne, she's a Vassar girl.

Daphne: I'm a what?

Sugar: Or was it Bryn Mawr?

Junior: [firmly to Jerry] I heard a very sad story about a girl that went to Bryn Mawr. She squealed on her roommate... and they found her strangled with her own brassiere!

Daphne: Yes, we've got to be very careful who we choose for a roommate.

Junior: Syncopators. Does that mean you play that very fast music... jazz?

Sugar: Yeah. Real Hot.

Junior: I guess some like it hot. I personally prefer classical music.

Junior: [Kissing] I think you're on the right track.

Sugar: I must be. Your glasses are beginning to steam up.

Joe: [to Spats, about the murders they just witnessed] We didn't see anything. Did we?

Jerry: No!

[laughs nervously]

Jerry: Nothing. Besides, it's none of our business if you guys wanna bump each other off, we don't -

[Joe nudges him to shut him up]

Joe: I never knew it could be like this!

Sugar: Thank you.

Joe: They told me I was kaput, finished, all washed up. And here you are making a chump out of all those experts.

Sugar: Mineral baths, now really!

Joe: Where did you learn to kiss like that?

Sugar: I used to sell kisses for the milk fund.

[Jerry and Joe are in the elevator with Spats and his goons]

Spats' Henchman: Excuse me, ain't I had the pleasure of meetin' you two broads before?

Jerry: Oh, no. You must be thinking of two other broads.

Mulligan: Alright Spats, services are over, lets go

Spats Colombo: Go where?

Mulligan: A little country club we run for retired bootleggers. I'm puttin your name up for membership

Spats Colombo: I dont join nothin'

Mulligan: Ahh... you'll like it there, I'll get the prison tailor to fit you with a pair of special spats - striped!

Spats Colombo: Big joke!

Osgood: Which of these instruments do you play?

Jerry: Bull fiddle!

Osgood: Fascinating! Do you use a bow or do you just pluck it?

Jerry: Most of the time, I *slap* it!

Jerry: [referring to Osgood] That dirty old man!

Joe: What happened?

Jerry: I just got pinched in the elevator!

Joe: Now you know how the other half lives.

Jerry: [looks in a mirror] Look at that! I'm not even pretty!

Joe: They don't care. Just as long as you're wearing a skirt. It's like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

Jerry: Really? Well, I'm sick of being the flag. I want to be a bull again!

Jerry: Come on, what do you say? Let's get out of here right now. Let's blow!

Joe: Blow where?

Jerry: You promised me, Joe! You said that the minute we hit Florida, we were gonna beat it.

Joe: How can we? We're broke.

Jerry: Well, we can find another band to play in. A male band!

Joe: Look stupid, right now Spats Colombo and his chumps are looking for us in every male band in the country!

Jerry: But this is so humiliating!

Joe: So you got pinched in the elevator. So what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?

Jerry: All right, but how long do you think we can keep this up?

Joe: What's the beef? We're sitting pretty. We got room and board. We get paid every week now. Just look outside. Look at the palm trees. Look at the ocean. Look at the flying fish.

Jerry: What are you giving me with the flying fish? I know now why you want to stay here. You're after Sugar!

Joe: Me after Sugar?

Jerry: I saw you two on the bus coming over here talking, giggling, borrowing each others lipstick.

Joe: We just happen to be very good friends.

Jerry: Then I'm your fairy godmother! I'm keeping my eye on you from now on!

Sugar: He collects shells!

Joe: Shells? Whatever for?

Jerry: Oh, you know. The old shell game.

Joe: Daphne, you're bothering us.

Daphne: [after struggling walking in heels at the train station] Ow!

Joe - 'Josephine': What's the matter now?

Daphne: How do they walk in these things, huh? How do they keep their balance?

Joe - 'Josephine': It must be the way their weight is distributed. Now, come on!

[Sugar's bandmates crowd into Jerry's upper berth to have a party when Jerry wants to put the moves on Sugar]

Jerry: Thirteen girls in a berth is an unlucky number - 12 of you will have to get out!

[repeated line]

Spats' Henchman: Hey, join us!

Osgood: Daphne.

Jerry: Hmm?

Osgood: You're leading again.

Jerry: Sorry.