Sleuth Quotes

[on Milo being an actor]

Andrew Wyke: Why have I never heard of you?

Milo Tindle: You will before long.

Andrew Wyke: Really?

Milo Tindle: In spades.

Andrew Wyke: That sounds threatening.

Milo Tindle: Does it?

Andrew Wyke: Doesn't it?

Andrew Wyke: I understand you're fucking my wife.

Milo Tindle: That's right.

Andrew Wyke: Right... Yes, right. So, we've cleared that up.

Milo Tindle: We have.

Andrew Wyke: I thought you might have denied it.

Milo Tindle: Why would I deny it?

Andrew Wyke: Well, she is my wife.

Milo Tindle: Yes, but she's fucking me.

Andrew Wyke: Oh, she's fucking you too, huh? Well, I'll be buggered. Ha ha. Sorry.

Milo Tindle: Yes, it's mutual.

Andrew Wyke: You take turns?

Milo Tindle: We fuck each other. That's what people do.

Andrew Wyke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I follow.

Milo Tindle: Maggie never told me you were... such a manipulator. She told me you were no good in bed, but she never told me you were such a manipulator.

Andrew Wyke: She told you I was no good in bed?

Milo Tindle: Oh, yes.

Andrew Wyke: She was joking. I'm wonderful in bed.

Milo Tindle: I must tell her.

Milo Tindle: You speak Dutch yourself, do you?

Andrew Wyke: Yes, how did you know? I have a Dutch uncle.

Milo Tindle: Can't see any Italian translations.

Andrew Wyke: [Implying a double entendre] No, they're a funny lot, the Italians. Culture isn't really their thing.

Milo Tindle: Their salami's good though.

Andrew Wyke: Oh, is it?

Milo Tindle: Italian salami? Best in the world.

Andrew Wyke: Did you bring any with you?

Milo Tindle: No, I left it at home.

Andrew Wyke: Oh, shame.

Milo Tindle: We're gonna have if for supper tonight, with a couple of bottles of Valpolicella.

[first lines]

Andrew Wyke: Yes?

Milo Tindle: Andrew Wyke?

Andrew Wyke: That's right.

Milo Tindle: I'm Milo Tindle.

[last lines]

Andrew Wyke: Goodbye, darling.

[repeated line]

Andrew Wyke: I want to show you something.

Andrew Wyke: A great branch broke off a big tree and - flew through the air, through the skylight - as you can see. Act of God.

Detective Inspector Black: Had it in for you, did he?

Andrew Wyke: Who?

Detective Inspector Black: God.

Andrew Wyke: Oh, yes, he's always been a vicious bastard.

Andrew Wyke: You know what God's trouble is?

Detective Inspector Black: What?

Andrew Wyke: He has no father. He has no family roots. He's rootless. Nowhere to hang his hat, poor bugger. I pity him.

Andrew Wyke: What sort of parts do you play?

Milo Tindle: Killers, mostly. Sex maniacs, perverts.

Andrew Wyke: So you're not well-known.

Detective Inspector Black: No, I'm a common-or-garden copper. Just catch sex criminals, perverts.

[sniff]

Detective Inspector Black: Homicidal maniacs.

Andrew Wyke: And what do you do with them when you catch them?

Detective Inspector Black: I generally cut their balls off.

[laugh]

Andrew Wyke: Why should I give her a divorce if you're both walking away with 88 pounds?

Milo Tindle: She wants a legal settlement. She wants part of your estate.

Milo Tindle: Never trust in legal justice. You know what legal justice is? It's farting "Annie Laurie" through a keyhole.

Milo Tindle: Where's the ladder?

Andrew Wyke: What ladder?

Milo Tindle: The ladder! Where's it gone?

Andrew Wyke: It's not working. There was always a dodgy fuse on this. I'll phone the electrician in the morning.

Milo Tindle: In the morning? What about now?

Andrew Wyke: No, no, he'll be in bed. You know these country people, early to bed, early to rise. He's a nice chap, though. He's called Norman. Charming wife, Debbie. Three delightful kids. Oh, I just remembered. He's on vacation, he's taken the kids to Bermuda.

Milo Tindle: What? So I'm stuck up here for the rest of my life?

Andrew Wyke: Have patience. Stoicism is what's called for. Works wonders.

Detective Inspector Black: Do you want to know my opinion of the newspapers?

Andrew Wyke: What?

Detective Inspector Black: Journalists are a bunch of prick-teasing cocksuckers.

Andrew Wyke: No.

Detective Inspector Black: That's right.

Andrew Wyke: I'm sorry, but isn't that a contradiction in terms?

Andrew Wyke: Is it?

Andrew Wyke: What's your background?

Milo Tindle: Me? Irish. Connemara. Spanish descent, by way of Uganda. My grandparents were slaves. My morther was a dark-eyed dusky beauty.

Andrew Wyke: How did she describe him?

Milo Tindle: Remote. Cold. Malevolent. Spiteful. Arrogant. Ruthless. Jealous. Paranoid. Criminal tendencies. Mentally unsound.

Andrew Wyke: That's me, all right.