Sixteen Candles Quotes

[Long Duk Dong is dancing with Lumberjack, his head is on her ample chest]

Lumberjack: So... What's your name?

Long Duk Dong: Dong.

Lumberjack: What's your first name?

Long Duk Dong: Long.

Lumberjack: What's your middle name?

Long Duk Dong: Duk.

The Geek: Damn Mom, I've got my headgear on!

Caroline: [annoyed] Will you wake up?

The Geek: [opens eyes] Where the hell am I?

Caroline: I'll, uh, tell you where you are, if you tell me who you are.

The Geek: I'm Farmer Ted.

Caroline: You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.

The Geek: You own a church?

Mike Baker: [about Ginny] Dad, she's got her period. Should make for an interesting honeymoon, huh?

Jim Baker: Where are you learning that stuff?

Mike Baker: School.

Jim Baker: Good. I get my money's worth.

Brenda Baker: Can you remember to turn off the stove in 20 minutes?

Samantha: I can remember lots of things.

Grandma Helen: Oh Sam, let me look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies.

Grandpa Fred: [chuckles] I better go get my magnifying glass.

Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so Perky.

Grandma Helen: [reaches to cup them]

Samantha: [cut to Sam's bedroom] I can't believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.

[Caroline is very drunk]

Caroline: Who's he?

Jake: That's me.

Caroline: Who are you?

Jake: I'm him.

Caroline: Oh, OK.

The Geek: This information cannot leave this room. Okay? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.

Samantha: No problem.

The Geek: I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud.

[Samantha chuckles]

Jake: [Jake is now holding Samantha's panties] These are really hers?

The Geek: Yeah.

Jake: How did you get 'em?

The Geek: She gave 'em to me.

Jake: Did you...?

The Geek: No! No, Jake. She's cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cats meow!

Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.

The Geek: Girls will do that, Jake. You know? You see, they know guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics. I'm telling ya.

Jake: I thought she hated my guts.

The Geek: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.

Jake: You better not be dickin' me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.

The Geek: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?

Jake: I'll kick your ass.

The Geek: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, I mean, if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me, to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today, would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.

The Geek: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?

Jake: I don't know. She's beautiful, and she's built and all that.

[sighs]

Jake: I'm just not interested anymore.

The Geek: Does that really matter, guy?

Jake: Yeah, it matters. She's totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house. She doesn't know shit about love. Only thing she cares about is partying. I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?

[Spits]

The Geek: That's beautiful, Jake. I think a ton of guys feel the same way as you do.

Jake: Really?

The Geek: Yeah. It's just they don't... They don't have the balls to admit it. You know? They're just... They're wimps.

Jake: I'll make a deal with you.

[holds up the panties]

Jake: Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?

The Geek: Jake, I'm only a Freshman.

Jake: So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.

The Geek: Jake, I don't have a car.

Jake: You can take mine.

The Geek: Jake, I don't have license.

Jake: I trust you...

The Geek: Jake, I'd love to... I can't.

[holds out a bowl]

The Geek: Want a pretzel?

Jake: You sure?

[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]

The Geek: Positive.

The Geek: [Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw Caroline and him kissing] I'm dead.

[the car phone rings and he answers it]

The Geek: Hello?

Cliff: [voice] Ted, you never called us back. What happened?

The Geek: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.

Cliff: [voice] Ted, we're dying, what happened?

The Geek: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!

[hangs up]

[the bride arrives at the church, obviously out of it]

Brenda Baker: Her monthly bill came early. Well, she's fine, she just took a muscle relaxer.

Ginny: Try *four*.

The Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile. I mean, it's...

Samantha: Go to hell.

The Geek: VERY hostile!

The Geek: How's it goin'?

Samantha: How's what going?

The Geek: You know - things, life, whatnot.

Samantha: Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.

The Geek: So, I mean, what's your story? I mean, you got a guy, or...?

Samantha: Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood, so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass.

Samantha: When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right?

Randy: That's a cheerful thought.

Samantha: This is Farmer Fred.

The Geek: Ted.

Samantha: Oh, I'm sorry, Farmer Ted.

The Geek: I'm not really a farmer. I'm a freshman.

Jim Baker: Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.

Samantha: Mike thinks I'm a dork.

Jim Baker: Mike *is* a dork.

Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?

The Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me.

Randy: [laughs] Okay.

The Geek: Shoot.

Randy: Get the hell outta here!

The Geek: Come on, what's the problem here? I'm a boy. You're a girl. Is there any thing wrong with me trying to put together some kind of relationship between us? Okay, look, I know you haven't been - just answer me one question.

Samantha: Yes, you're a total fag.

The Geek: [laughs] That's not the question. Am I turning you on?

[last lines]

Samantha: Thanks for getting my undies back.

Jake: Thanks for coming over.

Samantha: Thanks for coming to get me.

Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.

Samantha: It already came true.

[they kiss]

[on the phone with the police]

Howard: What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... Hmm? No, he's not retarded.

Grandpa Fred: Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman.

Howard: Thanks, Fred.

Howard: Dong. Where is my automobile?

Long Duk Dong: Oto-mo-biiile?

[laughing]

Long Duk Dong: [Imitating race car. Imitating crash] Lake. Big Lake.

Dorothy Baker: Why, you little scuzzbag!

[She kicks Dong in the groin]

Ginny: Darling, is something bothering you?

[pause]

Ginny: ...you're really acting like... an asshole. And I think I know what it is. I think, you're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention.

Ginny: No, Sam, I think you're just being a little selfish... and immature.

Samantha: Oh, yes, that's it. That's *exactly* it.

[storms out]

Ginny: [to herself] Unbelievable. You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you.

Long Duk Dong: Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.

Mike Baker: It's a quiche.

Long Duk Dong: How do you spell?

Grandpa Fred: Well you don't spell it, son, you eat it.

[laughs]

Jake: I do independent study with her. I catch her lookin' at me a lot. It's kinda cool, the way she's always lookin' at me.

Rock: Maybe she's retarded.

Jake: I'm being serious, okay? She looks at me like she's in love with me.

Jake: Yes, hello, sir, um...

Howard: Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?

Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there, and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?

Howard: Yes it is, and NO you may not.

Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?

Howard: [to Grandma Baker] He wants to leave a message for Sam.

Randy: [talking on the phone with Samantha] I was going to tell you something, but, maybe I shouldn't. It's pretty bad.

Samantha: You may as well. Nothing could shock me anymore.

Randy: Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.

Samantha: [screams] Aaaaaaaahhh!

Howard: [Her grandparents downstairs are startled by the scream] Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!

Grandpa Fred: Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.

The Geek: Jake, is your dad a big man, or?

Jake: About 6'4".

The Geek: Very nice.

[repeated line to his friends]

The Geek: Take those ridiculous things off!

The Geek: [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in] This, uh, your car, Jake?

Jake: No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.

The Geek: This is a mother - ! This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.

Jake: So?

The Geek: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand!

Jake: Then don't hit anything.

The Geek: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don't hit anything.

The Geek: [takes item from Caroline] Thank you.

Caroline: [laughs drunkenly] Now we're both on the pill.

The Geek: What?

[spits it out]

The Geek: You gave me a birth control pill? Do you have any idea what that will do to a guy my age?

Samantha: This is the single worst day of my entire life!

Mike Baker: What the hell are you bitchin' about? I have to sleep under some Chinaman named after duck's dork.

Samantha: Well, where am I sleeping?

Mike Baker: Sofa City, Sweetheart.

Brenda Baker: Don't be a smartass.

Mike Baker: OK, I'll be a dumbass.

[ring-ring, no one answers the phone...]

Jake: [as he hangs up] Ahh, eat me.

Howard: Who was it? Well what did they want?

Dorothy Baker: [shocked] Sex.

Grandma Helen: [attempting to help with breakfast by opening a box of doughnuts] Whoops! Don't wanna use the nails.

Grandma Helen: [finally opening the box of doughnuts with a knife] Voila! Breakfast is ready!

Samantha: May I be excused?

Grandma Helen: Where are you going?

Samantha: I have a dance to go to - at school. It's a very important dance... uh we're being graded on it, for Gym.

Randy: [Samantha has filled out an "anonymous" sex quiz naming her crush, which has fallen into unknown hands] Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.

Samantha: Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say.

Randy: I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan? He's a senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.

Samantha: I know. He's supposed to be my ideal.

Randy: He's ideal for sure, but, forget it.

Samantha: God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it. I'd shit twice and die.

Samantha: Oh my God! What should I do? Should I go up to him and and should I say, "Hi Jake, I'm Samantha", or no, maybe I should let him come to me?

The Geek: This is not my department.

[Jake rings doorbell at Samantha's house]

Long Duk Dong: OK. I'm comin'.

[opens closet door]

Long Duk Dong: Hello? Jeez, this place is so confusing. OK.

[opens front door, screams, and shuts door]

Long Duk Dong: Go away! I call F.B.I.! I call police! Go away!

Jake: Open the door.

Long Duk Dong: No way, Jose!

Jake: Open the door.

Long Duk Dong: You beat up my face.

Jake: You grabbed my nuts.

Long Duk Dong: [looks through frosted glass on door] That you?

Jake: Yeah, that me.

Long Duk Dong: [opens door] Oh, so sorry! I thought you my new--new-style American girlfriend.

Jake: Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?

Long Duk Dong: She not here.

Jake: Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?

Long Duk Dong: She got married.

Jake: What?

Long Duk Dong: She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.

Jake: Married?

Long Duk Dong: Married.

Jake: Married?

Long Duk Dong: Yeah. Married

[closes door]

Jake: [turns around, under breath to himself] Married?

Long Duk Dong: Married! Jeez!

The Geek: Very nice! We're five minutes in... I'm at a loss.

Bryce: Real smooth, Cliff.

The Geek: I know I came on kinda like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything. But... that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.

Samantha: But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?

The Geek: Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipshits.

Samantha: Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.

Samantha: Do I look any older?

Jim Baker: No, I wouldn't say so.

Samantha: [mouths from across the street] Me?

Jake: Yeah, you.

[smiles and jogs across the street]

Samantha, Jake: [both in unison] Hi.

Jake: Hi.

Samantha: Hi. What are you doing here?

Jake: I heard you were here.

Samantha: You came here for me?

Jake: Is that OK?

Samantha: [flattered] Yeah, it's OK.

Jake: Do you have to go to the reception now?

Samantha: I'm supposed to.

Jake: Can I call you later?

Samantha: Sure... I mean no.

Jake: No, I can't call you later?

Samantha: Yeah... No, I mean, I'm not going to the reception.

Jake: Oh. Great.

[walks Samantha to his Porsche]

Samantha: [Samantha and Randy are watching Caroline taking a shower in the locker room] It's unbelieveable. I swear to God Caroline Mumford had to flunk about nine grades.

Randy: Brother's deaf, and everybody in the world worships her. Practically impossible to cut up. She's supposedly real sweet.

Samantha: And she's going with Jake. Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.

Samantha: [to herself in the mirror] Chronologically, you're 16 today. Physically, you're still 15.

[sighs]

Samantha: Hopeless.

Caroline: [At the dance, about to go to Jake's house] God, I love it when your parents are out of town. I fantasize that I'm your wife and we're the richest, most popular adults in town. I owe all my great weekends to you.

Caroline: [She pauses, upset that Jake isn't excited] What's your problem?

Jake: What?

Caroline: You've been acting weird all night. Are you screwing around?

Jake: Me? Are you crazy?

Caroline: I don't know, Jake. I'm getting strange signals.

Jake: Well, they're not comin' from me. Everything's fine. Don't have a cow.

Caroline: Okay. Just remember one thing. I can name a hundred guys who'd kill to love me.

Jake: Is that a threat?

Caroline: It's a fact, Jake.

Bryce: Ted, that's a Rolls-Royce.

Bryce: [He sees Caroline passed out in the car] Ted, that's the prom queen. You got two girls in one night.

The Geek: I told you dudes I was hot.

Bryce: Hot? You're a legend!

Brenda Baker: Oh, Sam. Sam, I am so sorry about your birthday.

Samantha: It's OK. I'll recover.

Brenda Baker: It's important to you. And yesterday morning you were trying to tell me.

[Sniffling]

Samantha: It's OK, Mom. These things sometimes happen.

Brenda Baker: Oh, honey, I just feel miserable.

Samantha: You'll feel better.

Mike Baker: Who died?

Brenda Baker: Uh... Is there something you want to say to your sister?

Mike Baker: What? Are you kidding? Where should I start?

Brenda Baker: I mean about her birthday. It was yesterday. We all forgot.

Mike Baker: [laughing] Classic.

Brenda Baker: Deep down, he's really sorry.

Brenda Baker, Samantha: [Together] No, he's not.

Caroline: [after they wake up in the Rolls Royce] I never went out with a freshman. Not even when I was a freshman.

The Geek: Me either.

Caroline: You were pretty crazy.

The Geek: I was?

Caroline: Yeah. You know what I like best?

The Geek: My clean, close shave?

[Background music: The clean, close shave]

Caroline: No. Waking up in your arms.

The Geek: These things?

[They start kissing, then Jake shows up]

Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?

The Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me.

[Randy laughs as does Jimmy and Samantha sitting nearby]

The Geek: So? Shoot. Out with it.

Randy: [hard and firm tone] Get the hell out of here!

The Geek: Hey! Nice manners, babe!

Jimmy Montrose: She's totally serious, asswipe!

The Geek: Chill.

Brenda Baker: [to Sam] I'm sorry, you'll have to buy lunch today. I didn't have time to fix your carrots.

Mike Baker: Yeah, well, she's only eating carrots to increase the size of her breasts!

Samantha: Since I was about 12 I've been looking forward to my Sweet 16, you know, a big party and a band with...

Samantha, Randy: ...tons of people.

Randy: And a big Trans Am in the driveway with a ribbon around it. And some incredible gorgeous guy that you meet like in France. And you do it on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes.

Samantha: I don't need a cloud.

Randy: Just a pink dress and the guy, right?

Samantha: A black one.

Randy: A black guy?

Samantha: A black Trans Am, a pink guy.

Jake: Do you know Samantha Baker?

Rock: Sophomore, right?

Jake: Yeah, what do you think of her?

Rock: I don't.

Rock: Jake, she's a child.

Jake: So?

Rock: So, what are you gonna do with her? She's obviously too young for party serious.

Grandpa Fred: Well, well, if it isn't Sammy Baker Davis, Junior!

Samantha: Hello, Grandpa.

Grandpa Fred: Oh, I've got one for you. Knock. Knock.

Samantha: Who's there?

Grandpa Fred: Who.

Samantha: Who who?

Grandpa Fred: Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall!

[Grandpa Fred starts tickling Sam]

Grandma Helen: Oh, Fred, leave her alone. You'll make her tinkle.

The Geek: That's the one, dude. Scope it out.

Cliff: She doesn't look like a Freshman.

The Geek: Sophomore, dude! Sophomore! Fully aged Sophomore meat.

Cliff: I'll bet you a dozen floppy disks, you don't even get a tit.

The Geek: You got a bet, scumbag! I'll get it all.

Jake: What do you know about her?

The Geek: She has smallish tits, decent voice, smells pretty good. She drives me - crazy.

The Geek: Would you feel better if you knew one of my secrets?

Samantha: Don't gross me out.

The Geek: Would it be totally off the wall if I asked if I could have sex with you?

Samantha: You asking me is not as off the wall as to why I won't.

Lumberjack: I've never been out with a boy before.

Long Duk Dong: No. Me neither.

Jim Baker: I can't believe it. Ginny's not in the shower.

Mike Baker: [standing in front of the bathroom door] I wouldn't go in there if I were you. Grandpa Fred was in there for half an hour. It's totally polluted.

Jim Baker: Get dressed.

Mike Baker: [Jim enters the bathroom and closes the door] It's your nose.

[after a few seconds, Jim walks out of the bathroom clearly repulsed by the stench emitting from it]

Mike Baker: They never listen.