Sherlock Holmes Quotes

Sherlock Holmes: You've never complained about my methods before.

Dr. John Watson: I'm not complaining.

Sherlock Holmes: You're not? What do you call this?

Dr. John Watson: I never complain! How am I complaining? When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?

Sherlock Holmes: Uh, we have a barter system...

Dr. John Watson: When have I ever complained about you setting fire to my rooms?

Sherlock Holmes: Our rooms...

Dr. John Watson: The rooms! Or, or, the fact that you experiment on my dog?

Sherlock Holmes: Our dog...

Dr. John Watson: The dog!

Sherlock Holmes: Gladstone is our dog!

Inspector Lestrade: You know, in another life, you'd have made an excellent criminal.

Sherlock Holmes: Yes, and you, sir, an excellent policeman.

Sherlock Holmes: [after being tossed across the room] Un moment, s'il vous plait.

Dredger: [affably] Je ne suis pas pressé.

[first lines]

Sherlock Holmes: [voice-over] Head cocked to the left, partial deafness in ear: first point of attack. Two: throat; paralyze vocal chords, stop scream. Three: got to be a heavy drinker, floating rib to the liver. Four: finally, drag in left leg, fist to patella. Summary prognosis: unconscious in ninety seconds, martial efficacy quarter of an hour at best. Full faculty recovery: unlikely.

Dredger: Cour, petit lapin, cour.

Sherlock Holmes: Avec plaisir.

Irene Adler: Why are you always so suspicious?

Sherlock Holmes: Should I answer chronologically or alphabetically?

Sherlock Holmes: You have the grand gift of silence, Watson; it makes you quite invaluable as a companion.

[Watson punches him in the face]

Sir Thomas: Mr. Holmes, apologies for summoning you like this. I'm sure it's quite a mystery as to where you are, and who I am...

Sherlock Holmes: As to where I am, I was, admittedly, lost for a moment, between Charing Cross and Holborn, but I was saved by the bread shop on Saffron Hill. The only baker to use a certain French glaze on their loaves - a Brittany sage. After that, the carriage forked left, then right, and then the tell-tale bump at the Fleet Conduit. And as to who you are, that took every ounce of my not-inconsiderable experience. The letters on your desk were addressed to a Sir Thomas Rotherham. Lord Chief Justice, that would be the official title. Who you *really* are is, of course, another matter entirely. Judging by the sacred ox on your ring, you're the secret head of the Temple of the Four Orders in whose headquarters we now sit, located on the northwest corner of St. James Square, I think. As to the mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered to blindfold me at all.

Sir Thomas: [recovering as best he can] Yes, well... standard procedure, I suppose.

[Lestrade brings Holmes, handcuffed, before the Home Secretary, Lord Coward]

Inspector Lestrade: Excuse me, my lord. I know it's unorthodox, but Mr. Holmes here has been making some serious accusations about you...

[Lestrade lifts his lapel, showing a membership pin from the Temple of the Four Orders]

Inspector Lestrade: ...and the Order, sir.

Lord Coward: I see.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, at least that solves the great mystery of how you became Inspector.

[Lestrade turns and punches Holmes in the stomach]

Inspector Lestrade: Begging your pardon, my lord, but I've been wanting to do that for a long time.

[in a bare-knuckle boxing match, Holmes sees Irene and tries to forfeit and leave]

Sherlock Holmes: That's it, big man. You've won, congratulations.

McMurdo: Oi, we ain't done yet!

[He spits at the back of Holmes' head. Holmes stops]

Sherlock Holmes: [voice-over] This mustn't register on an emotional level.

[in slow motion]

Sherlock Holmes: First, distract target...

[Holmes throws Irene's handerchief in front of McMurdo's face]

Sherlock Holmes: Then block his blind jab... counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate.

[slams his hands over McMurdo's ears]

Sherlock Holmes: Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block... and body shot. Block feral left, weaken right jaw... now fracture.

[a cross to the jaw fractures the bone]

Sherlock Holmes: Break cracked ribs. Traumatize solar plexus... dislocate jaw entirely.

[two more body blows, and a right hook to the jaw hinge]

Sherlock Holmes: Heel kick to diaphragm.

[Holmes finishes with a heel kick to McMurdo's chest, sending him crashing out of the ring]

Sherlock Holmes: In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm haemmorraging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head... neutralized.

[Back in real time, Holmes picks up the handkerchief, as though wiping the back of his neck, then does all of the foregoing in about eight seconds, and kicks McMurdo out of the ring]

Sherlock Holmes: And chambermaids were once such a liberal breed.

Constable Clark: My wife's a chambermaid, sir.

[uncomfortable silence]

Constable Clark: Anyhow, it's a good thing she was offended, sir. Otherwise we'd never have found you.

Sherlock Holmes: Yes.

[more uncomfortable silence]

Constable Clark: Just joking about the wife, sir.

Sherlock Holmes: Ah!

Sherlock Holmes: There's only at one case that intrigues me at present. The curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying her comings and goings, they appear most... sinister.

Mrs. Hudson: Tea, Mr. Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes: Is it poisoned, Nanny?

Mrs. Hudson: There's enough of that in you already.

Irene Adler: I've never woke up in handcuffs before.

Sherlock Holmes: I have. Naked.

[about Blackwood coming back from the grave]

Sherlock Holmes: Have the newspapers got wind of it yet?

Constable Clark: Well, that's what we're trying to avoid, sir.

Sherlock Holmes: Certainly. What's the major concern?

Constable Clark: Panic. Sheer bloody panic, sir.

Dr. John Watson: You've been in this room for two weeks, I insist you have to get out.

Sherlock Holmes: There is absolutely nothing of interest to me, out there, on Earth, at all.

Dr. John Watson: So you're free this evening?

Sherlock Holmes: Absolutely.

Dr. John Watson: Dinner?

Sherlock Holmes: Wonderful.

Dr. John Watson: The Royale?

Sherlock Holmes: My favorite.

Dr. John Watson: Mary's coming.

Sherlock Holmes: Not available.

Dr. John Watson: You're meeting her, Holmes!

Sherlock Holmes: Have you proposed yet?

Dr. John Watson: No, I haven't found the right ring.

Sherlock Holmes: Then it's not official.

Dr. John Watson: It's happening. Whether you like it or not, 8:30, the Royale. Wear a jacket!

Sherlock Holmes: *You* wear a jacket.

[Holmes picks up a gadget from the midget's workshop and it turns out to be a taser, that sends Dredger flying across the room, crushing another thug who has Watson pinned]

Dr. John Watson: Holmes? What is that?

Sherlock Holmes: Je ne sais pas.

[Mrs. Hudson starts to clear space for the tea tray]

Sherlock Holmes: Don't touch. Everything is in its proper place... as per usual, Nanny.

[on her way out, Mrs. Hudson notices the dog laying on the floor]

Mrs. Hudson: Oh, he's killed the dog. Again.

Dr. John Watson: [irritated] What have you done to Gladstone now?

Sherlock Holmes: I was simply testing a new anesthetic. He doesn't mind.

[Holmes has been firing a gun into the wall]

Dr. John Watson: Permission to enter the armory?

Sherlock Holmes: Granted.

[He fires again]

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, I am in the process of inventing a device which muffles the sound of a gunshot.

[He yells in pain as Watson opens the curtains, letting sunlight into the room]

Dr. John Watson: It's not working.

Dr. John Watson: No, not you, Mary and I. You are not...

Sherlock Holmes: What? Invited? Why would I be not invited to my own brother's country home, Watson? Now you are not making any sense!

Dr. John Watson: You are not human!

Dr. John Watson: [Holmes points his violin bow at Watson] Get that out of my face.

Sherlock Holmes: It's not in your face, it's in my hand.

Dr. John Watson: Get what's in your hand out of my face.

Inspector Lestrade: [From inside Blackwood's tomb] You took your time, Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes: [portentously] And on the third day...

Governor: Lord Henry Blackwood, you are sentenced to death for the practice of black magic, the unholy murders of five innocent young women, and the attempted murder of a sixth. Have you any final words?

Lord Blackwood: Death... is only the beginning.

[last lines]

Sherlock Holmes: Case re-opened.

[on Moriarty]

Irene Adler: Please don't underestimate him. He's just as brilliant as you are. And infinitely more devious.

Sherlock Holmes: We'll see about that.

[Watson is sorting Holmes's un-read mail, in response to his demand for work]

Dr. John Watson: Lady Radford reports her emerald bracelet has gone missing.

Sherlock Holmes: [not looking up] Insurance swindle. Lord Radford likes fast women and slow ponies.

[Holmes is spying on Blackwood's sacrifice. A henchman tries to sneak up on him, but Watson grabs him and puts him in a hold]

Dr. John Watson: I like the hat.

Sherlock Holmes: Thanks, I just picked it up.

Dr. John Watson: You remember your revolver?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh, knew I forgot something. Thought I left the stove on.

Dr. John Watson: You did.

Sherlock Holmes: I think that's quite enough. You are a doctor, after all.

[Watson feels the henchman's pulse and lets him fall to the floor]

Sherlock Holmes: Always nice to see you, Watson.

[a chambermaid enters Irene Adler's room and screams when she sees Holmes, handcuffed naked to the bed with a pillow covering his groin]

Sherlock Holmes: Madam, I need you to remain calm. And trust me, I'm a professional. Beneath this pillow, lies the key to my release.

[the Maid screams again and runs out; cut to later in a carriage]

Sherlock Holmes: Of course, she mis-interpreted my intention entirely.

Constable Clark: Naturally, sir.

Mary Morstan: It does seem a little far-fetched, though. Making all these grand assumptions based on such tiny details...

Sherlock Holmes: Mm, that's not quite right, is it? In fact, the little details are by far the most important.

[Watson and Mary enter Baker Street to find Holmes hanging from a noose]

Dr. John Watson: Don't worry, dear. Suicide is not in his repertoire. He's far too fond of himself for that.

[pokes Holmes sharply]

Dr. John Watson: Holmes!

Sherlock Holmes: [wakes up] Oh, good afternoon. I was attempting to determine the means by which Blackwood survived his execution - clearing your good name, as it were - but it had a surprisingly soporific effect, and I found myself carried off into the arms of Morpheus like a caterpillar in a cocoon.

[to Mary]

Sherlock Holmes: Good afternoon, dear.

Dr. John Watson: Get on with it, Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, cleverly concealed in the hangman's knot was a hook... oh, my, I think my legs have fallen asleep. I should probably come down.

Mary Morstan: John, shouldn't we help him down?

Dr. John Watson: No, no, I hate to cut him off mid-stream. Carry on.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, the executioner attached it to a harness which allowed the weight to be distributed around the waist and the neck to remain intact. Oh, lord, I can't feel my cheeks. Might we continue this at ground level?

Dr. John Watson: How did you manage it, Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes: I managed it with braces, belts and a coat-hook. Please, Watson, my tongue is going, soon I'll be of no use to you at all.

Dr. John Watson: Worse things could happen.

Sherlock Holmes: There is a toxin, refined from the nectar of the rhododendron ponticum. It's quite infamous in the region of Turkey bordering the Black Sea for its ability to induce an apparently mortal paralysis. Enough to deceive even a medical mind as tenacious and well-trained as yours. It's known locally as...

Mary Morstan: [noticing] What's wrong with Gladstone?

Sherlock Holmes: ...mad honey disease. Oh, he's just demonstrating the very effect I've just described. He doesn't mind.

Irene Adler: You'll miss me, Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes: Sadly... yes.

Dr. John Watson: What of Mary?

Palm Reader: M for Mary. For marriage. Oh, you will be married!

Dr. John Watson: [nodding his head slowly] Go on.

Palm Reader: [looking intensely at Watson's palm] Oh, I see pattern tablecloth and... Oh, china figurines and... Ugh! Lace doilies!

Sherlock Holmes: [pretending to be deep in thought] Mmm... Doilies!

Dr. John Watson: Lace... doilies? Holmes! Does your depravity know no bounds?

Sherlock Holmes: No!

Palm Reader: [continuing her prophecies about Mary] Oh, then she turns fat and, ugh, she has a beard and...

Sherlock Holmes: What of the warts?

Palm Reader: Ah, she's covered in warts!

Dr. John Watson: [interrupting the palm reader] Enough, enough!

Sherlock Holmes: Are they extensive?

Dr. John Watson: Please, enough!

Lord Blackwood: Sherlock Holmes... and his loyal dog. Tell me, Doctor, as a medical man, have you enjoyed my work?

Dr. John Watson: Let me show you how much I've enjoyed it...

[He rushes at Blackwood, Holmes holds him back]

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, don't! Observe...

[Watson sees Blackwood's trap]

Dr. John Watson: How did you see that?

Sherlock Holmes: Because I was looking for it.

Sherlock Holmes: [Telling a joke to a prisoner] And he said, "May I push in your stool?"

[Raucous Laughter]

Irene Adler: I'd say you're between jobs.

Sherlock Holmes: And you, between husbands.

Irene Adler: He was boring and he was jealous and he snored. I'm Irene Adler again.

Dr. John Watson: You really believe he was resurrected?

Sherlock Holmes: The question is not if but how. The game's afoot.

Dr. John Watson: "Follow your spirit..."

Dr. John Watson, Sherlock Holmes: "And upon this charge, cry, 'God for Harry, England and St. George!'"

[Blackwood's coffin is opened]

Inspector Lestrade: That's not Blackwood!

Sherlock Holmes: Well, now we have a firm grasp of the obvious.

Sherlock Holmes: Whatever he was working on, he obviously succeeded.

Dr. John Watson: How do you know?

Sherlock Holmes: Otherwise, he'd still be alive.

Sherlock Holmes: What of the coffin, Lestrade?

Inspector Lestrade: Well, we are in the process of bringing it up.

[Holmes looks at the unmoving constables]

Sherlock Holmes: Indeed? What stage of the process? Contemplative?

Sherlock Holmes: First, the world will see you for what you are: a fraud. Then you'll be hanged - properly, this time.

Lord Blackwood: It's a long journey from here to the rope.

Dr. John Watson: Holmes! Does your depravity know no bounds?

Sherlock Holmes: [nonchalantly] No!

Sherlock Holmes: Go along now. I won't be chasing you anymore. Fare thee well.

Irene Adler: I don't wanna run, anymore.

Sherlock Holmes: [after two henchmen call in Dredger, to Watson] Meat? Or potatoes?

Dr. John Watson: My ten minutes are up.

[Holmes and Watson are searching Riordan's house]

Sherlock Holmes: There's one odor I can't put my finger on. Is it candy floss, molasses...? Ah! Barley sugar.

[Watson turns around to see two goons enter, one holding a...]

Dr. John Watson: ...Toffee apple.

Sherlock Holmes: Let me guess... Judging by your arsonist's tool kit, you're here to burn down the building and destroy all the evidence therein.

Thug: Just one minute, boys.

[calls]

Thug: Oh, Dredger!

[as Dredger enters, Holmes and Watson look up... and up]

Dredger: Il y a un problème?

Mary Morstan: What can you tell about me?

Sherlock Holmes: You?

Dr. John Watson: I don't think that's...

Sherlock Holmes: I don't know if that's...

Dr. John Watson: Not at dinner.

Sherlock Holmes: Perhaps some other time.

Mary Morstan: I insist.

Sherlock Holmes: You insist?

Dr. John Watson: You remember we discussed this.

Sherlock Holmes: The lady insists.

[Holmes sits quietly a few seconds, studying Mary]

Sherlock Holmes: You're a governess.

Mary Morstan: Well done!

Dr. John Watson: Yes, well done. Shall we... Waiter?

Sherlock Holmes: Your student... is a boy of eight.

Mary Morstan: Charlie is seven, actually.

Sherlock Holmes: And he's tall for his age. He flicked you with ink today.

Mary Morstan: Is there ink on my face?

Dr. John Watson: There's nothing wrong with your face.

Sherlock Holmes: There are two drops on your ear, in fact. India blue is nearly impossible to wash off. Anyway, very impetuous act of that boy, but you're too experienced to react rashly, which is why the lady for whom you work lent you that necklace. Oriental pearls, diamonds, a flawless ruby... hardly the gems of a governess. However, the jewels you are not wearing tell us rather more.

Dr. John Watson: Holmes!

Sherlock Holmes: You were engaged. The ring has gone, but the lighter skin where it once sat suggests that you spent some time abroad, wearing it proudly. That is, until you were informed of its true and rather modest worth, at which point you broke off the engagement and returned to England for better prospects. A doctor, perhaps?

[Mary throws her wine in Holmes' face]

Mary Morstan: [badly shaken] Right on all counts, Mr. Holmes, apart from one: I didn't leave him. He died.

Sherlock Holmes: Where's the inspector?

Dr. John Watson: Getting his troops lined up.

Sherlock Holmes: That could be all day.

Dr. John Watson: [Holmes is firing a gun in the house] Mrs Hudson.

Mrs. Hudson: I won't go in there by myself, not while he's got a gun in his hand!

Dr. John Watson: You don't have to go in there at all.

Mrs. Hudson: What will I do when you leave, doctor? He'll have the whole house down!

Dr. John Watson: He just needs another case, that's all.

Sherlock Holmes: There's only one case that intrigues me at present. The curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying here comings and goings and they appear most... sinister.

Mrs. Hudson: Tea, Mr. Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes: Is it poisoned, Nanny?

Mrs. Hudson: There's enough of that in you already.

Mrs. Hudson: [Starts to clear space for the tea tray]

Sherlock Holmes: Don't touch! Everything is in its proper place, as per usual... Nanny.

Inspector Lestrade: And you were supposed to wait for my orders.

Sherlock Holmes: If I had, you'd be cleaning up a corpse and chasing a rumor. Besides, the girl's parents hired me, not the Yard. Why they thought you'd require any assistance is beyond me.

Irene Adler: Moriarty

Sherlock Holmes: What?

Irene Adler: That's his name... everyone has a weak spot and he found mine.

Sherlock Holmes: What was it by the way?

[Irene looked at Sherlock and Sherlock twigs that he was her weak spot]

Dr. John Watson: Why is the only woman you've cared about a criminal? Are you a masochist?

Sherlock Holmes: Allow me to explain.

Dr. John Watson: Allow me. She's the only adversary who ever outsmarted you. Twice. Made a proper idiot out of you.

Sherlock Holmes: Right, you've had your fun.

Dr. John Watson: What's she after, anyway?

Sherlock Holmes: It's time to press on.

Dr. John Watson: What could she possibly need?

Sherlock Holmes: It doesn't matter.

Dr. John Watson: An alibi? A beard? A human canoe. She could sit on your back and paddle you up the Thames.

Sherlock Holmes: That's of no consequence to you, is it? We've done our last case together.

Dr. John Watson: I've already read it. Missing person: Luke Reordan, 4 foot 10, red hair, no front teeth.

Dr. John Watson: Case solved. You're obviously not her type. She likes ginger dwarves.

Sherlock Holmes: Midget.

Dr. John Watson: So you agree?

Sherlock Holmes: No, I don't agree. It's more than technicality, you see. You're misrepresenting the dimensions of foreshortened peoples.

Dr. John Watson: I've said too much. I've upset you.

Sherlock Holmes: No, I am simply stating that one has...

Dr. John Watson: What were you doing?

Sherlock Holmes: Will you allow me to explain?

Dr. John Watson: I wish you would.

Dr. John Watson: Who do you think won the match, Clarkie?

Constable Clark: Sir?

Dr. John Watson: The rugby match. Your boys have done a magnificent job obliterating any potential evidence.

Sherlock Holmes: Yes. But at least they never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

Dr. John Watson: Glad to see you two are working hard. And I thought we were trying to be discreet.

Captain Tanner: You would not last one day in the navy.

Dr. John Watson: Are you sure there isn't an alternative means of water transportation than that?

Sherlock Holmes: I guarantee you nobody knows London's waterways better. Tanner's practically a fish himself.

Dr. John Watson: He certainly drinks like one.

Captain Tanner: You found a sense of humor, doctor. If only just a sense.

Sherlock Holmes: The surgeon should be along shortly. He should be able to rest now.

[turns to leave]

Mary Morstan: Excuse me. Is that the best you can do?

Sherlock Holmes: Yes, for now. I must attend to my other patients.

[leaves quickly]

Mary Morstan: [chasing after him till he stops] Doctor. Doctor. Please. I know that you care for him as much as I do. This is not your responsibility, it was his choice. He'd say that it was worth the wounds.

Sherlock Holmes: [lost for words gasping, expressing guilt then leaving abruptly]

Mary Morstan: [shouting after him] Solve this. Whatever it takes.

Irene Adler: You made the front page.

Sherlock Holmes: Only a name and no picture.

Irene Adler: So it looks like you'll be needing to work outside the law now... and that's my area of expertise.

Sherlock Holmes: I feel safer already.

[turns to Watson]

Sherlock Holmes: You seem to be making a rapid recovery.

Dr. John Watson: Yes. Took the shrapnel out myself. Mary said I had a lousy doctor.

Captain Tanner: I told you he'd be coming out the top window. There isn't any way he'd be coming over that terrace.

Dr. John Watson: Technically, that isn't the top window, is it, sailor boy?

Captain Tanner: What is it?

Dr. John Watson: [flustered] Well, it's the middle window.

Constable Clark: Sir, Inspector Lestrade asks that you come with me at once.

Sherlock Holmes: What's he done now, lost his way to Scotland Yard?