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Princess Pei Pei: Father, is this my husband-to-be? He's a toad. If the Emperor is so fond of him, why doesn't he marry him?
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Medicine Man: Don't worry, it could be worse - he could be a white guy.
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Chon Wang: I got an idea: why don't I pretend I'm sick, and then you can attack the guard when they come in?
Roy O'Bannon: Oh, you mean the sick prisoner routine? Does that still work in China? 'Cause here it's sorta been done to death.
-
Chon Wang: See! I told you so!
Roy O'Bannon: No, you said "wet shirt don't break," not "piss shirt bend bar"!
-
Roy O'Bannon: Ooooh... who's the pretty lady?
Chon Wang: That's my wife!
Roy O'Bannon: How long you been in this country?
Chon Wang: Four days.
Roy O'Bannon: Nice work.
-
Roy O'Bannon: [adjusting Chon's cowboy hat] There, sort of a rakish angle.
Chon Wang: How do I look?
Roy O'Bannon: I think you look great! I think you look like a real cowboy. Very dapper - red bandana.
[holding out his hand]
Roy O'Bannon: Roy O'Bannon.
Chon Wang: [shaking his hand] My name is Chon Wang.
Roy O'Bannon: John Wayne?
Chon Wang: Chon Wang.
Roy O'Bannon: That's a terrible cowboy name!
Chon Wang: Why?
Roy O'Bannon: No, come on. That's not gonna work. That's horrible; that's so bad! And so's the ponytail!
-
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: How about that? It's a Mexican standoff. Only we ain't got no Mexicans.
-
Chon Wang: He took the gold.
Roy O'Bannon: Is that all you care about, the gold? Shame on you.
-
[Roy is watching Chon attempt to saddle his horse. The horse keeps pulling the saddle blanket off before Chon can get the saddle on]
Roy O'Bannon: Well, best of luck to you. Guess this is what your people call "sayanora." Looks like Fido's giving you some problems there. You want me to, uh, give you a hand?
Chon Wang: No, I can do it.
Roy O'Bannon: *Sure* you can. H-How is a greenhorn like you gonna make it to Carson City and rescue this princess?
["Fido" pulls the saddle blanket off again. Roy sighs]
Roy O'Bannon: Stop, stop, stop, stop. I can't take it any more. Watch me do it.
[He takes the saddle blanket]
Roy O'Bannon: You get it like this and you put it up high
[demonstrates]
Roy O'Bannon: . See, it'll drift back when you're riding.
[pause]
Roy O'Bannon: All right, I'll do it.
Chon Wang: Do what?
Roy O'Bannon: Take you to Carson City, help you rescue Princess Pee Pee.
Chon Wang: Pei Pei! You do not care about the princess.
Roy O'Bannon: You don't know me very well, do you? Tell you one thing: I hate to think of an innocent member of Chinese nobility suffering, I'll tell you that.
[pause]
Roy O'Bannon: You people believe in Karma over there, right? Well I've been thinking... there must be a reason why we keep running into each other. Now I've ridden with some terrible men, just people I couldn't trust, but when I look at you, there's something different about you. And I can see it, I can see it in your eyes. It's what the Indians call... chipichawa.
Chon Wang: What's that?
Roy O'Bannon: Chipichawa is nobility. And you have it, in spades. You got yourself a partner, and this has nothing to do with gold, okay?
[Spits in his hand and offers it to Chon]
Roy O'Bannon: Shake on it.
Chon Wang: Why are you spitting in your hand?
Roy O'Bannon: Well, it's, uh, customary to seal the deal. Come on, let's go
[Chon spits into Roy's hand]
Roy O'Bannon: . No, you -
[wipes of his hand on his shirt]
Roy O'Bannon: this is going to be a long journey.
-
[going to blow up the safe]
Roy O'Bannon: Here give me the dynamite.
[Big does and then starts to follow]
Roy O'Bannon: No. No. You stay here! You don't get to do it.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Now I'm gonna have to get rid of my outlaw name, it just won't work anymore. My real name's Wyatt Earp.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Come on. We're men, we're not pinatas!
-
Wallace: I was just winging it!
Roy O'Bannon: What? No! That's not how we wing it! You've lost your 'winging it' privileges!
-
Roy O'Bannon: I don't know karate, but I know kar-azy, and I will use it!
-
Chon Wang: What happened?
Roy O'Bannon: Oh nothing I just killed him, how'd you do?
-
[Reading a reward poster]
Roy O'Bannon: The Shanghai Kid. This is terrible!
Chon Wang: I know. I'm not from Shanghai.
-
Medicine Man: [on Peace Pipe] This is some pretty powerful shit.
-
Chon Wang: You gave me bad directions!
Roy O'Bannon: No, I gave you wrong directions.
[Holds up Chon's chopsticks]
Roy O'Bannon: Want your toothpicks back?
-
Chon Wang: Fight with honor. You will win.
-
Lo Fong: One thing about the Chinese, Mr. Andrews. We do not renegotiate.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Holy crap, the vultures are eating my head!
-
Roy O'Bannon: [Looking at the bullet holes in his robe] It's a miracle. I am invincible. Roy! Invincible!
-
Chon Wang: This is the West, not the East. The sun may rise where we come from... but here is where it sets.
-
Roy O'Bannon: I feel like there's this gap between us. It's like I'm a cowboy, you're an Indian. You say wampum, I say money. It is so important, I just think that...
Falling Leaves: [kisses Roy] Shut up, Roy. You talk too much.
-
Imperial Guard: Chon Wang!
Roy O'Bannon: That's right, Johnny Wayne's here.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Yes, John, I've heard all about the Emperor. Must be one hell of a man.
Chon Wang: He's only twelve.
Roy O'Bannon: Are you kidding me? You're sitting here, waiting to die for someone whose balls haven't even dropped?
-
Roy O'Bannon: First time you ever see an outlaw?
[Pretty victim nods]
Roy O'Bannon: Scared? Kind of excited, too? All mixed up? Yeah. Last train we robbed we were naked it was so hot out.
-
[Chon gives Roy a pair of chopsticks to dig with]
Chon Wang: Dig.
Roy O'Bannon: Hey!
Chon Wang: Don't talk. Just dig.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Just relax.
[Chon glowers menacingly]
Roy O'Bannon: Is that relaxed? You look sort of rigid there.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Let me put it this way. My horse is definitely not my best friend.
-
[Watching the three Imperial Guards at sword practice]
Jedediah's wife: They're not like any Injuns I ever seen, Jedediah.
Jedediah: That's because they're not Injuns, woman. They're Jews!
-
[as Roy and Chon are about to be strung up]
Carson City Hangman: Nothing personal, boys.
-
Roy O'Bannon: You gotta be able to laugh at stuff like that. Like me in the desert. I don't hold any grudges; I laugh about it. I'm not angry at you. You just left me there with chopsticks to die. Roy, all by his lonesome, just me and the buzzards, pickin' at my head... You're a very silent man, aren't you?
-
Sioux Chief: Daughter, husbands like Man-Who-Fights-in-Dress don't come along every day.
-
Chon Wang: Never touch my queue.
-
Roy O'Bannon: You blew it, John! Never interrupt a man in the middle of a duel! I had 'im! That's what gets me: I had 'im! I had 'im!
-
Roy O'Bannon: I'm so lost, Chon. Ninety percent of the time I don't even know what I'm doing out here in the West.
Chon Wang: No, you're a good outlaw.
Roy O'Bannon: Stop, please. I'm a screw-up.
-
Roy O'Bannon: You blew it. Whoo, you blew it, man. You did not want to cut his hair off, trust me.
-
Chon Wang: What happened my horse? Is he dead?
Roy O'Bannon: No, but we are, Chon.
-
Chon Wang: Hi, horsey!
-
Roy O'Bannon: These guns are really weird.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Maybe we should let bygones be bygones. You got off some good shots, I got off some good ones. Let's call it a tie.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Reach for the sky, Baldy!
-
Wallace: Reach for the sky, O'Bannon, ha ha!
Roy O'Bannon: That's my line. He stole my gang, he's stealing my lines. It's unbelievable!
-
Roy O'Bannon: There's more to life than money. I hope you learn that one day.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Is that her? She's pretty! Grab her!
-
Chon Wang: We stick together. We are partners.
Roy O'Bannon: That's beautiful.
-
Imperial Guard: On the battlefield, a soldier can't always obey the General's orders.
-
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: Mighty impressive hardware you packin' there...
Roy O'Bannon: Why don't you get your eyes of my package, you twisted son of a bitch!
-
[Roy, an incredibly bad shot, has just hit Van Cleef square in the chest]
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: [bewildered] How the hell did that happen?
-
Roy O'Bannon: I *am* like a wild horse. You can't tame me. You put the oats in the pen, though, and I'll come in for a nibble every day. But the minute you shut that gate, I'll jump the fence and you'll never see me again.
-
Roy O'Bannon: The thing about your husband, and this is nothing against him, I mean I really like him, but...
[lowering his voice]
Roy O'Bannon: he comes from a very male dominated society.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Come on out, Little Roy. Work your magic.
-
Roy O'Bannon: A 2000-year-old civilization and that's the best you can come up with? Shame on you. Shame on you!
-
Wallace: [When the safe blows out of the train, Wallace says to Roy] Roy, he just blew the shit out of our fruits.
-
Roy O'Bannon: [referring to the duel] This is serious. You don't come back from this.
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: That's the general idea.
-
Roy O'Bannon: [to Chon] If people start looking at you funny then just say, "Howdy, partner."
Chon Wang: ...Howdy... partner?
Roy O'Bannon: Say it a little faster than that or people'll think you're slow in the head.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Alright, pay attention because I don't want any mistakes.
[displays a childlike diagram]
Roy O'Bannon: I've calculated the speed of the train and the speed of our horses. We meet at this vector; the only variable is the wind. Technically, if you travel...
Blue: Is this the train?
Roy O'Bannon: [crumples up his drawing] Alright, we're just gonna wing it.
-
Roy O'Bannon: Reach for the sky ladies and gentle...
Wallace: Touch that gun and I'll blow your goddamn head off!
Roy O'Bannon: What are you doing? No, no, I sorta like to be the only guy that talks, alright?
Wallace: Okay, sorry.
Roy O'Bannon: [aside to Blue] Why's the new guy talking? Where did you get this guy? I'm the only one who talks!
-
[about Wallace]
Roy O'Bannon: Where did you get this guy?
Blue: Texas.
Roy O'Bannon: Texas?
[slaps him]
Roy O'Bannon: Are you insane?
-
Princess Pei Pei: Whatever you think I'm going to do for you, you're wrong.
-
Chon Wang: You killed my uncle!
Roy O'Bannon: Bull! That was Wallace! All the way!
Chon Wang: He was one of your bandits.
Roy O'Bannon: He wasn't part of my gang! He was a new guy! And he's crazy as a road lizard!
-
Chon Wang: Let me out! Give me the book back! I have to go to Carson City to rescue the Princess! You've got the wrong person, I don't belong here!
[yells in Chinese]
Roy O'Bannon: [sarcastically] Keep going with the Chinese, I think that's working. I think they're just about to let you out.
-
Roy O'Bannon: So who are you?
Chon Wang: I'm an Imperial Guard to the Emperor of China.
Roy O'Bannon: China... what's with the book?
Chon Wang: The book belongs to Princess Pei Pei. She was kidnapped from the Forbidden City.
Roy O'Bannon: I like that, Forbidden City, a princess, kidnapped! It's so mysterious.
-
[Chon Wang pees on a shirt, planning to use it to bend the jail bars]
Roy O'Bannon: Okay, I like your energy but I'm not with you...
Chon Wang: When the shirt gets wet, it doesn't break.
Roy O'Bannon: ...I don't know what that means.
-
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: Why don't you turn and face me like a man?
Roy O'Bannon: Why don't you do it your way and I'll do it my way?
-
[in his head, trying to psych himself up before a duel]
Roy O'Bannon: C'mon Roy, you can do it! Ah, no you can't, he's gonna kill ya.
-
[they both hide behind pillars, Roy shoots blindly]
Roy O'Bannon: Did I hit you?
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: [sarcastically] No, but you're getting really close.
Roy O'Bannon: You've almost killed me like seventeen times already!
[Marshall Van Cleef fires three more shots]
Roy O'Bannon: Eighteen, nineteen, twenty! You're on fire today!
[Roy fires another round of shots, way off]
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: How do you survive out here?
Roy O'Bannon: What's that supposed to mean?
-
Roy O'Bannon: I am invincible...
-
[after dropping off the Imperial guardsmen]
Jedediah: Shalom!
[confused, the Imperial Guard return the gesture]
Imperial Guard: Shalom.
Shanghai Noon Quotes
Extended Reading
