Serial Mom Quotes

Beverly: Officer, I'm sorry, but we don't allow gum in this house.

Detective Gracey: Sorry, ma'am.

Chip Sutphin: Dad, you don't think she did it, do you?

Misty Sutphin: I do! Mom's gone crazy.

Eugene Sutphin: Your mother may have some problems. That's all.

Chip Sutphin: If mom's psycho, Scotty will still be okay, won't he?

Eugene Sutphin: We hope so, son. And no matter what your mother is, we'll love her anyway.

Misty Sutphin: I'm stood up! I'll kill that bastard! I mean it, he should be dead that lousy creep! He told me he'd be here! I'll kill him!

Beverly Sutphin: Umm, don't use words unless you mean them, Misty.

Beverly Sutphin: Do you think I need a lawyer?

Chip Sutphin: You need an agent.

Chip: I'm so happy I could shit.

Beverly: Chip, you know how I hate the brown word.

Misty Sutphin: He killed people, mom.

Beverly Sutphin: We all have our bad days.

Detective Gracey: I should warn you. This note contains, uh, language.

Beverly: Oh, my.

Dottie Hinkle: Hello?

Beverly Sutphin: Is this the Cocksucker residence?

Dottie Hinkle: God damn you! Stop calling here!

Beverly Sutphin: Is this Four Two One Five Pussy Way?

Dottie Hinkle: You bitch!

Beverly Sutphin: Now let me check the ZIP code. Two-one-two-fuck-you?

Dottie Hinkle: The police are tracing this call this very minute.

Beverly Sutphin: Well, Dottie Hinkle, then why aren't they here, huh, fuckface?

Dottie Hinkle: FUCK YOU!

[hangs up]

Beverly Sutphin: Hahahaha!

[immediately calls her back]

Dottie Hinkle: DIDN'T I JUST SAY FUCK YOU?

Beverly Sutphin: [in a different voice] I beg your pardon?

Dottie Hinkle: Who is this?

Beverly Sutphin: Mrs. Wilson from the telephone company. I understand you're having problems with an obscene phone caller?

Dottie Hinkle: Yes, I am. I'm sorry, Mrs. Wilson. But this is driving me crazy! I've had my number changed twice already. I'm a divorced woman, please help me.

Beverly Sutphin: Well what exactly does this sick individual say to you?

Dottie Hinkle: I can't say the words out loud, I don't use bad language.

Beverly Sutphin: Oh well, I know it's difficult but we need to know the exact words.

Dottie Hinkle: I'll try. Cocksucker, that's what she calls me.

Beverly Sutphin: [reverting to the original voice] LISTEN TO YOUR FILTHY MOUTH, YA FUCKIN' WHORE!

Dottie Hinkle: GODDAMN YOU!

Beverly Sutphin: MOTHERFUCKER!

Dottie Hinkle: COCKSUCKER!

Father Boyce: Jesus said nothing to condemn capital punishment as he hung on the cross, did he?

Congregation: No.

Father Boyce: If ever there was a time to go on record against the death penalty, wasn't it that night? Capital punishment is already the law in the state of Maryland. So what are we waiting for, fellow Christians? Let's just do it.

Congregation: Amen.

Chip: Mom, are you a serial killer?

Beverly: The only "serial" I know anything about is Rice Krispies.

Beverly Sutphin: So you admit you just lied?

Dottie Hinkle: No I don't, you bitch!

Judge: Watch your mouth Mrs. Hinkle.

[Beverly whispers "fuck you" to Dottie]

Dottie Hinkle: Did you see that? She just said "Fuck you" to me!

Beverly: Let the records show I'm merely standing here!

Dottie Hinkle: Fuck you too, you whore!

[Juror #8 is talking on a payphone when Beverly grabs the receiver from her]

Beverly Sutphin: You can't wear white after Labor Day!

Juror #8: That's not true anymore.

Beverly Sutphin: Yes it is! Didn't your mother tell you? Now you know.

[she whacks her in the face with the phone]

Juror #8: No! Please! Fashion has changed!

Beverly Sutphin: No... it hasn't.

[she hits her again]

Chip Sutphin: Did you bring back "Ghost Dad"?

Emma Lou Jenson: There ya go.

[handing over video]

Emma Lou Jenson: I just love Bill Cosby pictures!

Beverly: Wear your seatbelt!

[stabs at Scott's car]

Beverly: Buckle up, Scotty!

[uses aerosol can and lighter to create flamethrower]

Scotty Barnhill: [on fire] No, Mrs. Sutphin, please. I'll wear my seatbelt.

Beverly: Mrs. Hinkle, are you insane?

Dottie Hinkle: No I'm not, you motherfucker!

Beverly Sutphin: Are those pussywillows?

Rosemary Ackerman: Dried ones. Aren't they pretty?

Dottie Hinkle: What did you just say?

Beverly Sutphin: [in the stalker voice] Pussywillows, Dottie!

Betty Sterner: Are you okay, Ralph?

Eugene Sutphin: Mrs. Sterner, please stay in the waiting room.

Ralph Sterner: [about Eugene] Help me, Betty, he's worse than the dentist in "Marathon Man".

[first lines]

Eugene Sutphin: That's a nice dress you're wearing this morning, Misty.

Misty Sutphin: Thanks.

Eugene Sutphin: You think the kids are awake?

Beverly: We could be very quiet.

Eugene Sutphin: Oh, honey! You're hot tonight!

Beverly: Oh, yeah!

Eugene Sutphin: Honey, I'm ready!

Sloppy: Will you believe that god damn litter bugger?

Beverly: I have told her and told her. It takes ninety to a hundred years for a tin can to decompose, and she still won't recycle.

Gus: Cost the tax payers millions of dollars last year. But she don't care nothing about the national budget!

Beverly: I hate Mrs. Ackerman.

Gus: I hate her too.

Sloppy: I hate her guts. You know, somebody ought to kill her.

Gus: Yeah, give her a happy face, and then recycle her.

Beverly: For the sake of this planet, someone just might.

Eugene Sutphin: Beverly, I've read all about this. Is it menopausal?

Beverly: Oh, honey.

Mom: [Mom throws one of Rosemary's faberge eggs on the floor and and breaks it] Oh my goodness, what are you doing?

Dottie Hinkle: I didn't do it!

Rosemary Ackerman: [cries] My Franklin Mint faberge egg!

Mom: Dottie didn't mean to be such a clumsy ox. You're sorry, aren't you Dottie?

Dottie Hinkle: Rosemary, I did not break your egg. She did!

Rosemary Ackerman: Dottie, you could at least apologize. I collect Franklin Mint!

Rosemary Ackerman: Young man, this faberge egg Is chipped!

Vendor: Yes ma'am, it is.

Rosemary Ackerman: I'll give you fifty dollars.

Vendor: That's a Franklin Mint piece. One hundred dollars!

Rosemary Ackerman: One hundred dollars? Franklin Mint or not, that's damaged goods!