Jackie Moon: Everybody panic! It's just like the Titanic but it's full of bears!
Jackie Moon: Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!
Jackie Moon: It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes.
Jackie Moon: [to teammates] If you see a possum, try to kill it. It's not a pet.
Clarence 'Coffee' Black: Who the fuck is Bambi?
Dick Pepperfield: Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine off the court.
Dick Pepperfield: Lou, would you mind putting out that cigarette? It's very unprofessional.

Lou Redwood: No. I like to smoke when I drink.

[Lou sips his drink]
Jackie Moon: No refunds, consider your refund escaping this death trap with your lives!
Jackie Moon: It's like Titanic with bears.
Lynn: You think I've forgotten that you cheated on me twice?

Monix: I only cheated on you once. There just happened to be two women.
Cornelius Banks: [to Lou] You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey.

[long silence]

Lou Redwood: [coldly] Did you just call me a jive turkey?

[Cornelius shakes his head]

Jackie Moon: No. No, he did not, he uh... he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?

Cornelius Banks: Yeah, I just called you cocksucker.

Lou Redwood: Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.

Dick Pepperfield: No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.

Lou Redwood: Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!

Jackie Moon: Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?

Bobby Dee: He just said you suck cock!

Dick Pepperfield: That's all he said about you!

Jackie Moon: Come on. Dig into that fondue... little cocksucker.

[laughs]

Lou Redwood: We like playing games, don't we?

Jackie Moon: It's true, we're playing one right now.

Lou Redwood: I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in FUCKIN' NAM!

[Lou draws his gun and aims it at Cornelius]

Lou Redwood: Who's the jive turkey now?
Petrelli: How come it says "Monix" on your jersey when your name's "Pussy"?
Jackie Moon: There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.

Clarence 'Coffee' Black: So what's the plan?

Jackie Moon: Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on Tv.

Bee Bee Ellis: What the hell is that?

Jackie Moon: It's eyeliner dummy. Now who's first? Monix?

Monix: Oh yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.
Jackie Moon: Oh fuck that shit! Spumoni!
Jackie Moon: ELE! Everybody love everybody!
Jackie Moon: [to referee] Suck my cock! I'll murder your family!
Jackie Moon: Use small children as shields, bears like soft tender meat.
Jackie Moon: In the anals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.
Lou Redwood: Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!

Dick Pepperfield: With the possible exception of eh, Henry Ford... Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that.
Jackie Moon: Goddamn it, Vakidis! Learn fucking English!
Jackie Moon: [screaming angrily at Father Pat the Ref] I'll burn your house down!
Jackie Moon: [to Monix] I wish you were still a washing machine!
Dick Pepperfield: Here comes the Alley... and there goes the Oop!
Jackie Moon: I'm so excited I can't feel my arms!
Monix: Vakidis, open the window will ya?

Vakidis: Yes, right on!

[does nothing]

Monix: Did you give Bobby Dee a handjob?

Vakidis: Yes, right on!
Jackie Moon: Cock sandwich, that hurts!
Father Pat the Ref: Corn dogs, Jackie! Corn dogs, for all these people!
Jackie Moon: Nothing in the rulebook that says you can't play drunk.

Dick Pepperfield: Well actually there is.
Dick Pepperfield: Well, we've got an especially dirty hippy here down on the court trying to sink an impossible shot.
Jackie Moon: Fuck you Clarence! Spumoni!
Jackie Moon: Everyone can eat shit! A big bag of shit!
Jackie Moon: [jokingly aiming an unloaded gun at his head] I'll see you fuckers in hell.

[pulls trigger, all laugh]

Bobby Dee: [aiming the gun at Jackie] Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard.

[pulls trigger, all laugh]

Cornelius Banks: Watch this.

Cornelius Banks: [aiming the gun at Lou] I did call you jive turkey.

[pulls trigger, all laugh]

Dick Pepperfield: [aiming the gun at Lou] I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield!

[pulls trigger, all laugh]

Lou Redwood: [laughing] We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true... especially that, more than the rest.
Jackie Moon: [wrestling Dewie the bear] Crazy fists! I'm coming in with crazy fists!
[Jackie tosses a gun onto the table. The gun fires a bullet. Everyone ducks as the bullet ricochets across the room]

Jackie Moon: Everybody okay?

Bobby Dee: I think so.

Cornelius Banks: Yeah.

Jackie Moon: I'm fine.

Bobby Dee: Wow!

Dick Pepperfield: We just literally dodged a bullet.

[laughs]

Jackie Moon: [laughing] We sure did!

Jackie Moon: [looks at Cornelius] Except for Cornelius!

[blood starts coming out of Cornelius' arm cast]

Cornelius Banks: [smiling] Woah! I did get shot!
Jackie Moon: Just livin' in a world of urine and pancakes.
Jackie Moon: [Mispronouncing everything] It's called fondue. It's a mixture of three different cheeses. There's gorgonzola, muenster, and cottage.
Father Pat the Ref: [blows the whistle] Traveling!

Jackie Moon: No, no, no, no! One of the half steps!

Father Pat the Ref: Come on, Jackie. You walked.

Jackie Moon: Suck my cock, I'll murder your family!

Father Pat the Ref: [blowing the whistle at him] You're gone, Jackie Moon!

Jackie Moon: What?

Dick Pepperfield: Jackie Moon is ejected from the game.

Jackie Moon: What did I say?

Father Pat the Ref: You said "S my C!"

[Jackie grabs the ball and kicks the ball]

Dick Pepperfield: And one lucky fan will go home with a game ball.

Jackie Moon: That's your head next time!

Father Pat the Ref: You're a big baby, Jackie! You cannot tell me to S my C!

Dick Pepperfield: Jackie Moon and the referee are really going at it here.

Jackie Moon: I didn't say anything!

Father Pat the Ref: You said S my C!

Jackie Moon: I barely raised my voice!

Father Pat the Ref: I should call your mother!

Jackie Moon: You need a phone to heaven to do that!

Father Pat the Ref: Maybe, your ma didn't go to heaven!
Father Pat the Ref: You're a big baby, Jackie.