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[repeated line]
Sid Waterman: I love you, really. With all due respect, you're a beautiful person. You're a credit to your race.
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Sid Waterman: Sixteen, 16 blue horses. Twenty-one jet planes. And - and 12 midgets - 12 spinning - spinning midgets. Spinning midgets.
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Joe Strombel: Peter Lyman is the Tarot Card Killer!
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Sid Waterman: I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older I converted to narcissism
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[first lines]
Funeral Speaker: Don't mourn for Joe Strombel. Joe Strombel had a full life. A newspaper man in the best tradition. A great credit to the Fourth Estate. It didn't matter if the bombs of the war zone were falling, it didn't matter how high up the political scandal went, or how many big corporations or small time racketeers leaned on him. Whatever the risk, if there was a story there, Joe went after it. And he usually got it.
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[last lines]
Sid Waterman: I'll show you a little trick now, and - and - and - I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I mean this sincerely, I say this with all due respect, you're a wonderful group, and a fantastic group of people, I love you, I - and I feel I'm coming back from you, you know, and - and you may be deceased but you should not be discouraged. Because, you know, uh, d-d-don't think of b-being dead as a handicap, you know what - when as I child I stuttered, but with stick-to-it-tiveness and perseverence, you know, you can never tell what can happen. Now I want you to take a card out, Alma, right, take any card you want, just pick...
Sid's Co-Passenger: Okay.
Sid Waterman: Pick it, fine, sweetheart, I love you sweetheart, it's fantastic.
-
Sondra Pransky: Look, I can't just go up to him and say, "Hi, how are you?" I mean, it would make him suspicious. So, you know - anything - he gets... put off or...
Sid Waterman: Drown!
Sondra Pransky: What?
Sid Waterman: Drown! Drown! I'll go get co-, I'll go get co...
Sondra Pransky: [shakes her head] Ach...
Sid Waterman: Listen to me! I'll go get coffee, you get a cramp. Go into the water, flounder around, you know...
Sondra Pransky: [sighs] Ahh...
Sid Waterman: Yes! Go ahead, sweetheart. That's, that's a great idea. He'll oblige to save you that way and if he doesn't, you know, then I'll notify your parents.
-
Sid Waterman: I don't need to work out. My anxiety acts as aerobics.
-
Sondra Pransky: You are a cynical crapehanger who always see the glass half-empty!
Sid Waterman: No, you're wrong. I see the glass half full, but of poison.
-
[From trailer]
Sid Waterman: The man is a liar and a murderer, and I say that with all due respect.
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[From trailer]
Sondra Pransky: This guy is a serial killer! He could just kill at any moment!
Sid Waterman: Yeah, I heard that part. That's when I knew I was gonna make other plans.
-
Joe Strombel: This'll be the biggest story to hit London since Jack the Ripper.
Sondra Pransky: Jack the Ripper. Is that capitalized?
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[From trailer]
Sondra Pransky: What are you going to tell the police? "The guy owns a deck of tarot cards... " that's not a crime!
-
Vivian: Who's Jade Spence?
Sondra Pransky: A would-be investigative reporter who has fallen in love with the object of her investigation.
-
Sid Waterman: We need to put our heads together.
Sondra Pransky: If you put OUR heads together, you'll hear a hollow noise.
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Sid Waterman: You're a pretty girl. You know, I think you could probably get this guy to get interested in you.
Sondra Pransky: Oh, you're silly...
Sid Waterman: Yeah, particularly if he's got a twisted mind.
-
Sondra Pransky: How can we meet him?
Sid Waterman: You know, I don't know... They have a class system. He's an aristocrat and, you know, we're... we're commoners. In fact according to his system, we're... I think we're probably classified as scum.
-
Sid Waterman: This guy is a serial-killer like I play for the New York Jets.
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Sid Waterman: I was in the lounge, I heard you drowning, I finished my tea and scones and came immediately!
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Sondra Pransky: What are you putting in your metamucil?
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Sid Waterman: You know not everything in the world is sinister... just practically everything.
-
Sid Waterman: Not everything in this world is sinister... just practically everything.
Sondra Pransky: Ugh... the Indian food made me sick.
Sid Waterman: What? You barely touched your cobra salad, how can you be sick?
-
Sid Waterman: Oh yes, she can't swim. She sinks like a stone! It's a family trait, actually, lack of buoyancy. Her siblings suffer from it too.
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Man: So what do you do, Mr. Spence?
Sid Waterman: Real estate.
[stutters, double take]
Sid Waterman: Uh, I mean, oil. I WAS in real estate, but now I'm in oil. I mean, now land is getting hard to come by... especially... outdoors.
-
Sondra Pransky: [to Sid] Stop telling people I sprang from your loins!
-
Sid Waterman: Actually, I bought my first Reubens with my poker winnings.
Garden Party Guest: [stunned] You bought a Rubens painting?
Sid Waterman: Oh, oh, no. Not a painting. A sandwich.
-
Peter Lyman: You take after your father.
Sondra Pransky: [sarcastically] Great.
-
Sid Waterman: This guy must be some lover if you're ready to drop the whole investigation! I must find out what breakfast cereal he eats...
-
Sid Waterman: Did you accomplish anything besides a possible pregnancy?
Sondra Pransky: I'll tell you what I did see: his mother, Lady Eleanor, has short-cut, brunette hair.
Sid Waterman: [stuttering] Yeah, but not a hooker?
Sondra Pransky: [shocked pause] No, Sidney, she's not a hooker! I hardly think so. She's practically royalty. Christ, you amaze me sometimes. Your brain!
-
Sondra Pransky: Dad, I need to talk to you. Right now.
[serious]
Sid Waterman: Right now, sweetie? I was just about to pull some quarters out of Mrs. Quincy's nose!
-
Peter Lyman: What's wrong? Are you crying?
Sondra Pransky: No, I'm too tough to cry. My nasal passages do get congested when I'm sad, though.
-
Sondra Pransky: [Peter told them he'd be out of town but then they spotted him across the street] I just can't believe he lied to me!
Sid Waterman: Maybe he's just doing something he's ashamed of, like maybe he belongs to these clubs where he dresses up as a crossdresser, or maybe he does folk dancing!
-
Sid Waterman: You're alone up there with a very, very dangerous man! That's two "very's"!
-
Sondra Pransky: I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to marry him someday.
Sid Waterman: You come from an orthodox family, would they accept a serial killer?
-
Sondra Pransky: Why would Peter kill a prostitute?
Sid Waterman: Because it looks bad on his resume!
-
Sid Waterman: I don't know what you've been smoking, but don't try to bring it through customs.
-
Sondra Pransky: Why don't you think about this as adding some excitement to your life?
Sid Waterman: Sweeheart, excitement in my life is dinner without heartburn after it.
-
Peter Lyman: I just can't get the vision of you in your swimsuit out of my head.
Sondra Pransky: Oh I'm glad you liked it! It was marked down!
-
Sid Waterman: They'll take us to the Tower of London and behead us!
-
Sid Waterman: What about Indian food, do you like spicy food?
Sondra Pransky: No, no, it's OK, I don't have that much of an appetite.
Sid Waterman: But you will, when they bring out the prawns in hydrochloric acid...
-
Sondra Pransky: Do you have a family?
Sid Waterman: I had a wife but sh... she dumped me if you can believe that.
Sondra Pransky: Somehow...
Sid Waterman: She thought I was immature and that I never grew up... I had a great rebuttal for her, I coulda nailed her, you know, but uh... I raised my hand, she would *not* call on me.
-
Sid Waterman: You're the daughter I never had.
Sondra Pransky: [touched] Oh, Sidney...
Sid Waterman: No, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Cause I never wanted to have kids. I didn't because you have kids... what is it? You know you're nice to them... you bring them up... you suffer... y-you take care of them... and then they grow up and... and... and they accuse... uh... you of having Alzheimer's.
-
Sondra Pransky: I think it's time that we show my story to a real journalist.
Sid Waterman: What do you mean, a real journalist?
Sondra Pransky: One that's living.
-
Sid Waterman: Geez, if I ever catch that Joe Strombel, I'll kill him.
-
Sondra Pransky: He asked me to go dancing with him.
Sid Waterman: That's perfect strategy. You worm your way in like a rodent or a roach, and as the crumbs fall off the table, you collect them and we analyze them.
-
Sondra Pransky: [Speaking of Strombel] Look, the spirit appeared next to me. at first I thought he was one of your stooges.
Sid Waterman: I don't work with stooges. You know, because you gotta pay them health benefits.
-
Sid Waterman: You may be deceased, but you should not be discouraged.
-
Joe Strombel: You have to get the story first, but first you have to get the story right!
-
Peter Lyman: [about Sondra] It's just so ironic. Because the way I first met her, I rescued her from drowning in our club pool, and she was a very, very weak swimmer.
Sondra Pransky: Hello?
[Peter turns and stares as Sondra comes into the room]
Sondra Pransky: I was faking at the pool to get your attention. Actually, I used to be captain of the Brooklyn Community swim team.
[she smiles]
-
Sid Waterman: Do we have time for a card trick?
Sid's Co-Passenger: Yes!
Sid's Co-Passenger: [stands] I believe we have eternity.
-
Sid Waterman: I'm gonna start agitating your molecules.
-
Sid Waterman: It's a red sweater. It's kind of a red, tomato red, like a fire engine. A red, a rouge...
Housekeeper: I understand, sir. Red.
-
Desk Clerk: Peter Lyman. Yes, came in a few minutes ago.
Sid Waterman: What color bathing suit does he have on?
Sondra Pransky: Hey, what...?
Sid Waterman: I - do you want me clash with him?
[scoffs]
-
Sid Waterman: [at Peter Lyman's garden party] Should we hit the buffet table first, though? Because the stuff looks great.
Sondra Pransky: No, Dad! Remember, we wanted to look around.
Sid Waterman: Yes, of course, of course, blessed offspring.
-
Sid Waterman: [Attempts to break the door cipher] It's eight blue horses. No, no, no. It's 10. Ten spinning midgets. No, it's 12.
[stammering]
Sid Waterman: Twelve jet planes and eight... No. Calm down, calm down. It was... It was...
[stuttering]
Sid Waterman: Eight maids a-milking and three French hens. No, no... Sixteen, wait, 20 jet planes, 12 spinning midgets.
[chuckling]
Sid Waterman: Eureka!
[Lock beeping]
-
Joe Strombel: My God, Peter Lyman. Hard to believe; but, if he did turn out to be the Tarot killer, what a story.
Jane Cook: I knew you'd appreciate it when you said you were a reporter.
Joe Strombel: This would be a *dynamite* scoop and I got it first.
-
Sondra Pransky: I slept with him and I didn't even get the interview. I mean what kind of reporter am I?
-
Sondra Pransky: The point is, I didn't get the story! If I'd used my feminine wiles, like Katherine Hepburn or Rosalind Russell.
-
Strombel's Co-Workers: I got trapped with Joe once in Afghanistan. And we were going to be shot at any moment by the Taliban; until, typically Joe found someone to bribe, so we could escape... He got it on expenses!
-
Sid Waterman: Where are you from, Sondra? No, no, no. Don't tell me; because, I got a great ear for that kind of thing. Eh, Alabama? Am I right.
Sondra Pransky: Close. I'm from Brooklyn.
-
Sid Waterman: Have you ever been dematerialized before?
-
Sondra Pransky: Don't tickle me.
-
Joe Strombel: You're a journalist, right?
Sondra Pransky: Oh, my God. What are you doing in here?
Joe Strombel: Aren't you a journalist? Yeah? I mean, those are the vibrations I've been concentrating on.
-
Sid Waterman: Get in the box. Get in the box. Go ahead. In the box. Go ahead. Get in the box. Get in the box. Hurry up.
-
Joe Strombel: I'm Joe Strombel, reporter and I have the scoop of the decade about the Tarot Card murder case. I mean if it pans out, it'll be fantastic. It's got everything: big names, murder, prostitution.
-
Sid Waterman: I just go exotic to give the square haircuts a little charisma now and then.
-
Joe Strombel: I've got some information for you. Big story. Big, big, big scoop!
-
Sondra Pransky: This is a big story. No kidding. That's what Joe Strombel said. That's why he's returned. You know, this is his last big scoop.
-
Sid Waterman: No, darling, I do not think it's a good idea.
Sondra Pransky: It's a very good idea!
-
Sid Waterman: I play the blues harp. It's a little metal thing you put in your mouth and makes a twanging sound. Very musical. It used to be called the Jew's harp, but you know how those people are. The slightest hint of anti-Semitism and they write letters.
-
Peter Lyman: You have a very sensual quality. It's - but I'm sure you've been told that.
Sondra Pransky: Wow. You work really fast.
Peter Lyman: Oh, God. Am I overbearingly aggressive? I'll stop.
Sondra Pransky: Oh, no, don't! You just were getting warmed up.
-
Sid Waterman: I must find out who does the hedges here. Back home, my topiary moose is starting to look a little shabby around the antlers.
-
Peter Lyman: That was as great as I imagined it would be. You look beautiful. And pensive.
Sondra Pransky: No, not pensive. Just confused.
Peter Lyman: Women after lovemaking, it's always so complicated.
-
Sondra Pransky: I can't wear contacts. I don't like to put my finger on my eyeball.
-
Sid Waterman: I'm on stage. I'm doing the dematerializer trick with this chick from Manchester. I don't know where they get these people, but she looked like Sitting Bull.
-
Sondra Pransky: Get out of my life! I'm not cut out for this. I should be flossing molars for a living.
-
Sid Waterman: Maybe he's got another woman on the side, and he likes you, but he's sexually attracted to her.
Sondra Pransky: Thanks, Sidney!
-
Mr. Malcolm: I knew Joe Strombel well. If he'd had a tip that he considered reliable, he would certainly have pursued it himself, from the grave, if necessary.
-
Mr. Malcolm: I know this puts a crimp in your scoop.
-
Jan: What paper? What paper are you from?
Sid Waterman: The Washington Post. I'm one of the top reporters on the - Did you see "All the President's Men"? I was the short guy.
-
Sondra Pransky: The truth is, I'm crazy about the guy. I can't keep obsessing over tantalizing conspiracy theories!
-
Sid Waterman: I was just checking out the Stradivarius. And I play a few pieces myself on the violin. Prokofiev and Bartok, "The Hot Canary".
-
Sid Waterman: He wanted to share it with me because, you know, in case something happened, you know, life is very capricious. A stroke, a sudden embolism, or lightning.
-
Sid Waterman: I notice you didn't get the red sweater. She probably left it in another bedroom. You know, she's got a little problem with promiscuity.
-
Housekeeper: A most unusual sequence of events.
Scoop Quotes
Extended Reading
