Samurai Cop Quotes

Nurse: Do you like what you see?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: I love what I see.

Nurse: Would you like to touch what you see?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Yes. Yes, I would.

Nurse: Would you like to go out with me?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Uh, yes I would.

Nurse: Would you like to fuck me?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Bingo.

Nurse: Well, then, let's see what you've got...

[investigates his bulge]

Nurse: Doesn't interest me. Nothing there.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Nothing there? Just exactly what would interest you, something the size of a jumbo jet?

Nurse: Have you been circumcised?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Yeah, I have, why?

Nurse: Your doctor must have cut a large portion off.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: No, uh, he was a, he was a good doctor.

Nurse: Good doctors make mistakes too, that's why they have insurance.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: [getting closer to her] Hey... don't worry. I got enough. It's big.

Nurse: I want bigger.

[walks away]

Fooj Fujiyama: Officers! If you have anything against me, then book me! Otherwise, as they say, "get the hell out of my face"! This is America. land of freedom and law!

[pause]

Fooj Fujiyama: A man is innocent until he is proven guilty! You have nothing on me!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Oh, I gotta lotta shit on you!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: [after seeing Frank Washington crawl under a fence that he himself had climbed over] Why did you come under?

Frank Washington: Because I'm an undercover cop.

Frank Washington: What does "katana" mean?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: It means "Japanese sword".

Jennifer: How did you know I'd come home with you?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Let's just say... I can read eyes.

Fooj Fujiyama: So they call him SAMURAI, HUH?

Yamashita: Yes. His real name is Joe Marshall. They call him 'Samurai'. He speaks fluent Japanese. He got his Martial Arts training from the masters in Japan. He was brought over here from the police force in San Diego to fight us.

Fooj Fujiyama: To fight us? To fight ME! To destroy my operation! To kill you and my other men! To put handcuffs on me... and put me in the gas chamber.

[looks at Yamashita]

Fooj Fujiyama: Samurai... if he's a samurai, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!

Yamashita: I'll get to know him... and then we'll see who the real samurai is.

Frank Washington: [after listening to Joe Marshall's conversation with the nurse] "Have you been circumcised"?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Shut up.

Peggy: What happened? Are you out or in?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Baby, I'm always in.

Frank Washington: Son of a bitch. Killed his own men!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: I know. It's called "code of silence". He doesn't want anybody talking.

Frank Washington: God... Man, look what they done to my car. Captain Roma's gonna burn my ass!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Yeah, he's gonna burn it... charcoal black.

Frank Washington: [Chuckles] It is black...!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Right on!

[Frank and Joe low-five each other]

Cuban Waiter: [Regarding Jennifer] Her mother owns the place.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Where's her father?

Cuban Waiter: [Points to his head, imitating a gun] Bang!

Frank Washington: Killed? Who shot him?

Cuban Waiter: He.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Who?

Cuban Waiter: Him.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Who's "him"?

Cuban Waiter: Himself.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Oh, he committed suicide.

Cuban Waiter: Yes!

[Disturbing chuckles]

Fooj Fujiyama: So you know where our man is?

Yamashita: Yes, boss. I know the hospital and the room... and he's burnt bad... real bad. He won't be able to talk.

Fooj Fujiyama: I want him dead! I want his head cut off and brought here! I want his head on this piano so that every man in my organization understands, what's more, that no Katana gets captured alive or talks! Got that?

Yamashita: [slowly walks towards Fujiyama] I will bring you his head and I will place it on your piano.

Fooj Fujiyama: I know the real Samurai is here.

Yamashita: [nods his head in obedience]

Frank Washington: [standing next to a screen door outside Okamura's house and watching him in bed with his girlfriend] Is that him?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: I guess so. Looks like this is his last fuck.

Frank Washington: Let him finish it then.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: [cocks his pistol] The hell I will.

Peggy: Hey, preacher?

Johnson: Yeah?

Peggy: You and I got nothin' to do, let's fuck.

Johnson: Shut up.

Frank Washington: [One of Yamashita's henchmen holds a gun to his head and the other grabs his penis and holds a switchblade to it] H-h-hey, t-take it easy, man. Hey, what the...? C-come on... eh. T-talk to me. What? What, what do you want? What do you...?

Penis Grabbing Henchman: I could kill you now or I can relieve you of this gift.

[Looks at other henchman, then motions towards Frank's penis]

Penis Grabbing Henchman: This black gift. In a split second you won't enjoy yourself for the rest of your life. All I want is Samurai's address. His address!

Counselor: Mr. Fujiyama is very upset.

Police Captain: Yes, Counselor... and he has every right to be... but frankly, I don't give a damn!

Counselor: But, Captain Roma, let me warn you...

Police Captain: FUCK you AND your client! Now, you get your ass out of my office or you'll have to go to surgery to get my foot out of it! GET OUT OF HERE, YOU ASSHOLE! LEAVE ME ALONE! I've got more important things than a scheisse like you! Get outta here!

Counselor: [leaving] I'll see you in court.

Police Captain: YOU MOTHERFUCKER, I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL! Leave me alone! Get a job!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Are you Fuj... Fujiyama?

Fooj Fujiyama: Yes, I am. Who are you?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: I'm a cop!

[Music stinger plays]

Frank Washington: [during the van chase] Hey, let's call for backup!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: We'll call them when we need 'em.

Police Captain: I should fire both of you. You never brought me one of those bastards in alive, so I could nail 'em with something! And because of you, I'm about to be fired. I'm gonna lose my pension; that means my future's gone.

[pause]

Police Captain: But you know something? I don't give a fuck! There's only one thing in this world I want. I want you to find that motherfucking Japanese gangster! I want you to kill him and I want you to kill every one of his men!

[Music stinger plays as he's speaking]

Police Captain: I want you to turn his house into a bloodbath! Don't leave anybody alive! And when they're all dead, you come back to me. And all three of us will turn our badges in... and say goodbye to it. We'll be off this police force for good.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: Now you're talking.

Frank Washington: All right. See you, Captain.

Police Captain: [calmly] See you in hell.

Frank Washington: [Before the police raid on Okamura's house] Who's going to answer to Captain Roma on this?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: You.

Frank Washington: Shit, man! He'll burn my ass!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop: You don't have to worry about that, it's already uh...

Frank Washington: Yeah, yeah, I know. It's already black, huh?

[chuckles]

Frank Washington: This time, he'll probably cut my dick, too, huh?

Peggy: You better come to my house before you report to the captain.

Frank Washington: For what?

Peggy: Let's use it before you lose it.

[Everyone but Johnson laughs]