RV Quotes

Earl Gornicke: So, do you have a boyfriend?

Cassie Munro: Yeah, actually, I'm engaged.

Earl Gornicke: Unlikely.

Cassie, age 5: Daddy?

Bob Munro: Yeah, baby?

Cassie, age 5: I'm never gonna get married.

Bob Munro: Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.

Cassie, age 5: Because I always want to live here with you.

Bob Munro: Well, you know, one day, you're gonna grow up, meet a wonderful guy, and you're gonna get married. But you and I will always be best friends.

[kisses forehead]

Cassie Munro: [Scene switch] Dad, could you be any more of a dork?

Bob Munro: Cassie, you know where this girl lives or you just think you know?

Cassie Munro: I know where, I just know one way to get there. And you refuse to go that way.

Bob Munro: Because it's a stupid way.

Jamie Munro: You're lost, aren't you?

Bob Munro: Yes I'm lost, because our daughter doesn't know where her friend's house it. She knows it's next to the house with the fountain.

Cassie Munro: Maybe we can feed Carl to the raccoon.

Carl Munro: Maybe we can feed him you, he might be on the south bitch diet.

Bob Munro: That's a good one son.

[repeated line]

Cassie Munro: Dad, the RV's rolling away.

[Bob is sitting on the toilet]

Billy Gornicke: You got a nice one.

Bob Munro: What?

Billy Gornicke: You got a nice laptop.

Carl Munro: Does anybody have a vomit bag?

Jamie Munro: You sick?

Carl Munro: Big time. Cassie and Earl are making out.

Bob Munro: [Really needs to use the toilet] I've got an ICBM coming!

[Mutters to himself]

Bob Munro: If there's a poop fairy, I can make a lot of money.

Cassie Munro: Mom, some idiot just parked this ugly RV outside our house.

Jamie Munro: What?

Cassie Munro: Oh, my God, it's your husband.

Bob Munro: Welcome aboard, everybody. Before we embark, I think we should give this beauty a name. Suggestions?

Cassie Munro: The Big Turd.

Carl Munro: The Big Rolling Turd?

Bob Munro: In that spirit, we set forth.

Cassie Munro: This is the worst I've ever been treated.

Jamie Munro: Wait till you get married.

Jamie Munro: I feel like that hitchhiker in The Twilight Zone.

Cassie Munro: What do they like about us? We're not even that appealing.

Cassie Munro: Dad.

Bob Munro: Yeah?

Cassie Munro: I get it.

Bob Munro: What?

Cassie Munro: Sometimes if you want to succceed, you have to do what they tell you.

Bob Munro: So where do you park your hat?

Travis Gornicke: Behind that wheel there, that's our bus.

Jamie Munro: Well then how do Moon, Earl and... not Earl go to school?

Marie Jo Gornicke: Home schooling.

Bob Munro: This next question may seem personal but how do you...

Travis Gornicke: Make a living? Well let's see, we got $25,000 when we turned in Mary Jo's stepfather.

Marie Jo Gornicke: In prison he's getting the help he needs.

Bob Munro: What are you doing up so late?

Billy Gornicke: I have a sleep disorder, I haven't slept since I was five.

Scruffy Teenager: [the Gornickes throw the teenager off their bus after finding out he has Bob's laptop] I didn't steal it, I found it!

Marie Jo Gornicke: Well now you just lost it!

Bob Munro: [after taking a sudden and far swerve to get away from the Gornickes] Where did you learn to drive like that?

Jamie Munro: How do you think I get the kids to school on time?

Carl Munro: I think I pulled a muscle.

[flexes]

Moon Gornicke: Where?

Carl Munro: In the woods.

Cassie Munro: What happened to Hawaii?

Bob Munro: Come on, Hawaii's a winter destination. It's summer. The place I'm taking you is special, and not Iike Uncle Mike. It's Lake Nirvana, where I went with my parents as a kid.

Cassie Munro: Is he being funny? Because I can never tell.

Carl Munro: [to wannabee gangsters] Why dont you trade that thing above your neck for a face.

Bob Munro: [to wannabee gangsters] Yo, my mobile home boys. What's craking in the wood... Don't make me call my lawyer cause I'll audit...

Bob Munro: Yo, my mobile-homeboys, what's trippin' in the wood?

Hip Hop Wannabe: This termite belong to you?

Bob Munro: Yo, my man said...

Carl Munro: [gets mad] Don't call him...

Bob Munro: [restraints Carl] Easy! This my man C, he small but ferocious, but you dogs, you hardcore, where you from?

Hip Hop Wannabe: Scottsdale!

Bob Munro: Scottsdale, in the 'Zona! That's a hardcore 'hood. But you want to take on my man C, here, go ahead, because, you know, he's fierce, he gonna come up in your face, he gonna major damage you. You gonna walk away, maybe limp. But I say talk to the hand, call waiting, because he's out. Boy is out. I can't restrains him. Because I'm conversating you right now to give him a chance to cool down, to get back to a realistic level, as it were. Because we could be chillin' in our crib. Not just on this mobile home thing, representing Mali-bu and Westwood, you know. Malling it, like we all can. Boys to mensch. Pimp my Mercedes, call me back, put you on hold. You know what I'm saying?

Hip Hop Wannabe: Er... we gotta go.

[leaves]

Bob Munro: Mm-hmm, you better, man, don't make me call my lawyer, 'cause I'll audit!

Joe Joe: [looks down the Munros' waste pipe] Fire in the hole!

[throws a bucket of water in the toilet, then ducks out of the way. Subsequently the Munros' waste shoots up like a geyser]

Travis Gornicke: Tuesday's meatloaf, after that we're goin' to sit around and watch "Ernest Goes To Jail".

Billy Gornicke: It is Fuuuu-nny!

Bob Munro: It's a classic!...

Bob Munro: [holds high the waste hoses with a Y-adapter as Howie instructed him to in order for the waste to not spill out the top]

Bob Munro: You sure this is going to work?

Howie: Yeah, man, it's basic hydraulics.

Bob Munro: Ok, Archimedes.

Cassie Munro: Why can't we just give it Carl and maybe he'll eat it and leave.

Carl Munro: Why don't we feed him you, maybe he's on a south bitch diet.

Bob Munro: [a raccoon has invaded their RV; Bob is trying to muster the family to help him get rid of it] See what the raccoon is doing? Playing head games. He wants to divide and conquer us. We have to hang together. Stay strong!

Jamie Munro: [Impassively] Just get rid of it.

Bob Munro: Just me?

Jamie Munro: Yeah.

Bob Munro: Okay...

[Meekly heads back into the RV, alone]

Bob Munro: [Disheveled and dirty from having ridden through the wilderness to the meeting on the mountain bike] Hi everybody... Sorry I'm late. I... I just came down that mountain... Next time I'll use a road. I guess you guys didn't get the memo about "extreme" casual.

Bob Munro: [Referring to the dirt smeared over his clothes] I love your wilderness so much, I decided to wear it.

Bob Munro: Hey, check this out. It's called the "pop-out."

Bob Munro: [starts to open the pop-out] Whoa, where are you?

[chuckles]

Bob Munro: How cool was that?

Cassie Munro: [sarcastically] Macarena cool.

Jamie Munro: Well, if I can get Carl to sleep in the next 10 minutes - you might still have a shot tonight.

Bob Munro: Use a mallet if you have to.

Todd Mallory: God, Jamie, if my ex-wife looked as good as you I'd still be in the middle of a horrible marriage.

Jamie Munro: Thank you, Todd. What a lovely - compliment.

Jamie Munro: Wine or martini?

Bob Munro: Both, with a Prozac back.

Bob Munro: Remember when it used to be "Daddy's home"? Now nothing. We watch TV in four separate rooms and we IM each other when dinner's ready.

Jamie Munro: Well, then let's change things. Let's start while we're in Hawaii. No laptop, no BlackBerry, no business calls. Let's really go.

Bob Munro: No what?

Jamie Munro: We're not campers! We don't camp!

Bob Munro: Why not?

Jamie Munro: Why? Why not? Well, for one thing, we like to shower.

Bob Munro: Well, it's got a shower. You and I will go out right now and take a shower together.

Jamie Munro: Bob, do you know where you stay when you take an RV trip?

Bob Munro: Where?

Jamie Munro: RV camps. Honey, try to remember, we're not friendly!

Jamie Munro: I want Hawaii!

Bob Munro: All right, we'll go to Hawaii. At Christmas. Then it will just be us and a lot of Jewish people. We'll have all the ham to ourselves.

Jamie Munro: We were gonna take naps! Hotel room, afternoon, lock the door - naps.

Bob Munro: Oh, the good naps.

Jamie Munro: Yeah! How are we gonna do that in an RV?

Bob Munro: I'll drive slowly.

Carl Munro: Now what do we do?

Cassie Munro: Hey, I know! Let's go to the beach and go surfing. Wait a minute, I forgot. We're not in Hawaii. We're where NASA faked the moon landing.

Carl Munro: I gotta take a crap. Time to break in the pooper.

Cassie Munro: You are so disgusting.

Carl Munro: Dad! The toilet's backed up!

Bob Munro: Maybe now is the time to confess to you that your dad's not the master of all things.

Carl Munro: I got that when you started taking advice from morons.

Bob Munro: Yeah. All we need is a banjo.

Travis Gornicke: Here's where you made your critical mistake. You listened to anything Howie and Joe Joe said. Nice boys, but they're a couple pliers short of a tool chest.

Bob Munro: They're not the ones covered in fecal matter.

Travis Gornicke: That's a good point.

Travis Gornicke: Let's see. Earl and Billy you met.

Earl Gornicke: Hi, I'm Earl.

Billy Gornicke: And I'm not.

Travis Gornicke: My wife, Mary Jo, and my daughter, Moon.

Moon Gornicke: Hey, y'all.

Bob Munro: Well, Moon, that's kind of a hippie name, like Moon, Rainbow, Bong.

Travis Gornicke: She was named after Warren Moon. He was quarterback of the Houston Oilers.

Bob Munro: Well, this is my wife, Jamie. Cassie, my daughter. My son, Carl. Named after Karl Marx, socialist, some would say the father of modern communism.

Travis Gornicke: Oh, and I almost forgot, Mary Jo makes a living. I mean, she earns $60,000 a year without ever leaving that bus.

Bob Munro: Really? Hooking?

[long awkward pause]

Travis Gornicke: Funny.

Travis Gornicke: How about breakfast tomorrow?

Cassie Munro: Bagels and deer testicles?

Bob Munro: I'm not so ill equipped to handle an emergency as some people may think.

Jamie Munro: No one said you were ill equipped.

Bob Munro: You know it, baby.

Bob Munro: [the family walks outside] Oh, hi.

Jamie Munro: What is that?

Bob Munro: [Turns around] It's an RV.

Jamie Munro: And why is it in front of our house?

Bob Munro: We're taking it on vacation.

Carl Munro: To Hawaii?

Bob Munro: Nope, that doesn't float, Colorado.

Bob Munro: You guys wanna see a movie?

[Tries turning the TV on but the remote doesn't work]