Risky Business Quotes

[Miles is taunting Joel with outrageous personal ads]

Miles: "When I was a little girl, my daddy used to spank my bare bottom. Now he's gone. Will you take his place?" Call Misty!

Joel Goodson: When it came right down to it, I just wasn't attracted to her.

Miles: That should never stop you.

Joel Goodson: Will you do me a favor?

Lana: Anything, cookie.

Joel Goodson: Don't steal anything. If I come back here and anything's missing, I'm going straight to the police. I mean it.

Lana: Joel, go to school. Go learn something.

Jackie: Joel, I'm going to give you a number. You ask for Lana. It's what you want.

Joel Goodson: Thank you.

Jackie: It's what every white boy off the lake wants.

[Joel Goodson's parents are away for the weekend]

Miles: Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.

[Lana is the prostitute Joel has hired using an alias]

Lana: Are you ready for me... Ralph?

Joel Goodson: So is this Guido guy... he's your "manager"?

Lana: That's right.

Joel Goodson: Or a pimp?

Lana: Now that's quick Joel. Have you always been this quick, or is this something new?

[after Joel's Princeton interview]

Lana: So, how're we doin'?

Joel Goodson: Looks like University of Illinois!

Joel Goodson: Porsche. There is no substitute.

Miles: Fuck you.

Joel's Father: Haven't I been telling you. Every once in awhile you just got to say, "what the heck" and take some chances.

Joel Goodson: You are so right.

Joel Goodson: You know, Bill, there's one thing I learned in all my years. Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the fuck, make your move."

Rutherford: I beg your pardon?

Joel Goodson: Uh, my name isn't really Ralph. It's Joel.

Lana: Mmmm. I'll be needing 300 bucks... *Joel*.

Joel Goodson: You're kidding.

Lana: No, I don't believe that I am.

Joel Goodson: Well, uh, it's just that I don't have that much here in the house.

Lana: How much do you have?

Joel Goodson: I have 50 dollars.

Lana: 50 dollars? What are we going to do about this, Joel?

Joel Goodson: I don't know.

[pauses]

Joel Goodson: Could I send it to you?

Lana: [incredulous] Could you *send* it to me?

Joel Goodson: [long pause] I, uh, have a bond at the bank. I could go cash that.

Lana: I'm not real good at waiting.

Joel Goodson: I'll be quick.

Miles: Sometimes you gotta say "What the Fuck", make your move. Joel, every now and then, saying "What the Fuck", brings freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future. So your parents are going out of town. You got the place all to yourself.

Joel Goodson: Yeah.

Miles: What the fuck.

[last lines]

Joel Goodson: My name is Joel Goodson. I deal in human fulfillment. I grossed over eight thousand dollars in one night. Time of your life, huh kid?

[first lines]

Joel Goodson: [voiceover] The dream is always the same. Instead of going home, I go to the neighbors'. I ring, but nobody answers. The door is open, so I go inside. I'm looking around for the people, but nobody seems to be there. And then I hear the shower running, so I go upstairs to see what's what. Then I see her; this... girl, this incredible girl. I mean, what she's doing there I don't know, because she doesn't live there... but it's a dream, so I go with it. "Who's there?" she says. "Joel," I say. "What are you doing here?" "I don't know what I'm doing here; what are *you* doing here?" "I'm taking a shower," she says. Then I give her: "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream. So I go to her, but she's hard to find through all the steam and stuff; I keep losing her. Finally I get to the door... and I... find myself in a room full of kids taking their college boards. I'm over three hours late; I've got two minutes to take the whole test. I've... just made a terrible mistake. I'll never get to college. My life is ruined.

Guido: Listen to me.

Joel Goodson: No, no. You listen to ME!

[Guido hangs up]

Joel Goodson: Shit!

Joel Goodson: You listen to me, buster. You, you a-hole.

Guido: A-hole?

Joel Goodson: I want my stuff back right now.

Guido: Now you listen to me, you little fuck. Not only you take my two best girls, you call me names. If I didn't have any self-respect, it wouldn't just be the furniture, it'd be your arms, your legs, your head.

Joel Goodson: Some of the girls are wearing my mother's clothing.

Lana: What's wrong with that?

Joel Goodson: I just don't want to spend the rest of my life in analysis.

Jackie: Hello, Joel. I'm Jackie.

Joel Goodson: Hello, Jackie. I'm not Joel. Joel stepped out for a moment. Hold on... I'll go call him.

Joel Goodson: You didn't tell anyone did ya?

Miles: No... Glen knows.

Joel Goodson: What about Barry?

Miles: He knows too.

Joel Goodson: Okay. Just don't tell anyone.

Miles: [to Joel] What happened?

Joel Goodson: Last night?

Miles: That's right - with Kessler.

Joel Goodson: She was babysitting down the street...

Miles: We know that!

Joel Goodson: So I went over there. It turns out that, uh, she was giving the kid a bath and accidentally hit the shower thing...

[some guy off camera]

Joel Goodson: right.

Miles: That could happen.

Joel Goodson: ...and all her clothes were drying upstairs. So she plops down right on the kitchen floor and she looks up at me and says 'I think I'm in the mood.'

Barry: She said that? What did you say?

Joel Goodson: I didn't have to say anything.

Glenn: Whatcha do?

Joel Goodson: What do you think I did?

Glenn: I think you got the hell out of there, ran home, and wacked off.

Barry: [makes a wacking off noise with his cheek]

Miles: I disagree.

[to Joel]

Miles: Did you have your bike there?

Joel Goodson: Yeah.

Miles: I think you jumped on your bike, peddled home, and wacked off!

Joel Goodson: Are you going to help?

Miles: Sure. When?

Joel Goodson: Right now!

Miles: Well, I can't do it right now! I've got a Trig mid-term tomorrow.

Joel Goodson: Hey, "Mr. What-The-Fuck" - I mean, what about "exploring the dark side" and all that? Or was that just bull shit?

Miles: That was just bull shit, Joel. I'm surprised you listened to me.

Lana: Do you ever get high, Joel?

Joel Goodson: Yeah. All the time.

Lana: You see, me and Vickie were thinkin' about gettin' high. Maybe goin' out. Gettin' some ice cream. Something like that? You wanna come?

Joel Goodson: Yeah. I could go for some ice cream right now.

Barry: Are you stoned?

Joel Goodson: No. I do not believe so.

Barry: I think you're really wasted.

Joel Goodson: This is not wasted, Barry. This is definitely not wasted. - - Barr?

Barry: Yeah?

Joel Goodson: I'm a little wasted.

Joel Goodson: Don't let me do anything stupid.

Barry: Don't worry.

Lana: What do you think?

Joel Goodson: I don't know. You tell me. Yes? No? Maybe?

Lana: Yes. No. Maybe.

Joel Goodson: Where's Lana?

Guido: Maybe she's on the choo-choo. I hear she's got this thing about choo-choos.

Joel's Father: Joel, do you have something to tell me?

Joel Goodson: No. I don't think so.

Joel Goodson: I was just thinking, where we might be 10 years from now, you know.

Lana: You know what I think? I think we're both gonna make it - big. I am very optimistic. I mean it.

Joel Goodson: Joel, do you hear something odd? Something unpleasant?

Joel's Father: No.

Joel Goodson: A preponderance of bass, perhaps?

Joel's Father: No.

Joel Goodson: Is this the way I left the equalizer?

Joel's Father: No.

Joel Goodson: No. This is not some toy for you and your friends. If you can't use it properly, you're not to use it at all. My house, my rules.

Joel Goodson: Dad, do you want me to start your car?

Joel's Father: The car will be fine, Joel.

Joel Goodson: I mean, for the battery, I mean.

Joel's Father: Joel, please, you're not to use my car. You're not insured for it. Use the station wagon.

Joel's Mother: Use my car, honey.

Joel Goodson: Okay.

Joel's Father: Joel, do we understand each other?

Joel Goodson: Okay!

Glenn: Do you know what a Harvard MBA makes - first year? Forty grand.

Kessler: Well, I've got a cousin who went into dermatology. First year - over 60,000.

Barry: Just for squeezing zits?

Glenn: Why don't you try it, Barry? You got the experience.

Barry: He boffed Hendrix last week!

Joel Goodson: He did?

Barry: Yes. And then after the game Saturday, he fucked her.

Joel Goodson: Barry...

Barry: What?

Joel Goodson: Boffing and fucking are the same thing.

Barry: They are?