Rat Race Quotes

[a hotel employee hands Nick Schaffer his bill]

Nick Schaffer: What's this $110?

Hotel Clerk: Those are your in-room movies.

Nick Schaffer: No, I didn't watch any movies.

Hotel Clerk: Okay, let's see... Afro Whores.

Nick Schaffer: Afro Whores?

Hotel Clerk: You watched it... let's see... uh, 11 times.

Nick Schaffer: No, no, no...

Hotel Clerk: Afro Whores, 2:30. Afro Whores, 4 o'clock. Afro Whores, 5:30. It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes and then switched back over to Afro Whores.

Nick Schaffer: I swear I didn't watch it. Okay? I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to take that off my record.

Hotel Clerk: This is not a record, sir.

Nick Schaffer: It... It's a delete.

Hotel Clerk: Okay, fine. How many times *did* you watch it?

Nick Schaffer: None! I didn't watch it!

Hotel Clerk: Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters... "

Nick Schaffer: [screaming] I don't need to know what it's about! I did not watch it!

[hotel clerk raises her eyebrows]

Nick Schaffer: I didn't.

Lucy Impersonator: How about a pit-stop?

Owen Templeton: Sorry, this is a one way flight. There's a bathroom in the back.

Lucy: The latch is broken. Anyone could just walk right in.

Owen Templeton: So? Look, you ain't got nothin' these other Lucys haven't seen before.

Lucy: [man's voice] Not necessarily.

Vicki: So Harry, what can I do for you?

Harold Grisham: Okay... here's what I want. First we both get naked.

Vicki: So far so good.

Harold Grisham: Except... we're both wearing sailor hats. Then we get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, I clip your toenails, and you shave my buttocks.

Vicki: [shocked] Pardon me?

Harold Grisham: Naked, Jacuzzi, Pepto-Bismol, toenails, shave my buttocks. How much would that cost?

Vicki: Harry, you have quite an imagination.

[after Sinclair has told them repeatedly to "go", to no avail]

Merrill: So, when you say "go", you mean, just go?

Donald Sinclair: Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.

Enrico Pollini: Look at us go! We're zooming!

Zack Mallozzi: I told you! We're hauling ass!

Enrico Pollini: We're hauling ass! All righty!

Zack Mallozzi: Guess what I got back there.

Enrico Pollini: You just told me. Ass! We're hauling ass!

Bev Pear: Your daughter has to go to the bathroom!

Randy Pear: All right, all right, Jason, look in the back for an empty jar.

Bev Pear: A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.

Randy Pear: Oh, right. Sorry. Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel.

Enrico Pollini: I am Enrico Pollini. Now, I know what you are thinking... Enrico is a girl's name.

Owen Templeton: No I wasn't.

Enrico Pollini: No pun intended.

Owen Templeton: What pun was that?

Tracy Faucet: So what's wrong with her?

Nick Schaffer: Who?

Tracy Faucet: Your sister. You said it was serious.

Nick Schaffer: Oh yeah... shark bite.

Tracy Faucet: Shark bite?

Nick Schaffer: Yeah.

Tracy Faucet: And they took her to Silver City?

Nick Schaffer: Yeah, they have a really good shark attack unit there.

Blaine Cody: Why don't 'oo

[you]

Blaine Cody: do it?

Duane Cody: Because, Einstein, one of us has to be the victim, one of us has to be the witness. What kind of a witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying.

Merrill: We're not crazy, lady!

Vera Baker: We should've bought a squirrel, but we didn't buy a squirrel.

Merrill: Which is why we stole the rocket car.

Randy Pear: Jason, where did you get that?

Jason Pear: I found it under the seat.

Randy Pear: Give it to me. You can't play that.

Jason Pear: Why not?

Randy Pear: Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.

Jason Pear: You're driving his car!

Randy Pear: Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not getting his germs!

Enrico Pollini: It's a race!

Enrico Pollini: [sees the other contestants on the floor] I'm winning!

[repeated line]

Enrico Pollini: It's a race!

Enrico Pollini: Am I too late ? Look I won a coin, a gold coin! Oh, isn't this wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room?

Randy Pear: Yes! We're in it!

[Bikers are hitting the car that Randy stole from the Barbie museum]

Randy Pear: Are you insane? This is Hitler's car.

[after losing the heart]

Enrico Pollini: I have lost my heart many times before.

[laughs]

Enrico Pollini: I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are.

[Tracy catches her boyfriend in a swimming pool with another woman]

Tracy Faucet: Did I come at a bad time, asshole?

[an airplane flies past the Cody brothers as they check their map]

Duane Cody: Where the hell is the airport?

Kimberly Pear: [Kimberly needs to go to the bathroom] Dad, I'm prairie dogging it!

Randy Pear: What the hell does that mean?

Jason Pear: You know, like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.

Randy Pear: Oh.

[Five seconds later]

Bev Pear: Ugh!

Randy Pear: Ohh, god, I do not wanna picture that!

Merrill: I think this is some kind of scam!

Vera Baker: Oh good, a scam! We'll do it!

[Tracy gives Nick a can of paint while she's throwing debris on her cheating boyfriend's car]

Tracy Faucet: C'mon, open it!

Nick Schaffer: You know, Tracy, I really don't feel comfortable...

Tracy Faucet: [yelling] OPEN IT!

Nick Schaffer: [nervously] Okay.

Enrico Pollini: Food. Look at all this food!

[gasps]

Enrico Pollini: Little Cock doggies!

Merrill: They're called cocktail weenies.

Enrico Pollini: Weenies! Ha! I'm so sorry. My English is not so good. But I'm learning!

[Talking about Sinclair and his idea for them competing in the "race"]

Merrill: It's some sort of joke. It has to be.

Duane Cody: What kind of jackass just gives away $2 million?

Owen Templeton: Maybe it's a publicity stunt.

Randy Pear: What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy.

Vera Baker: Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt.

Randy Pear: A *secret* publicity stunt?

[Donald Sinclair welcomes all the people who are invited to compete in the "race."]

Donald Sinclair: Excuse me. Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair, I own this hotel. We don't have much time. There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth. The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet. I built a bunker in the basement to this casino strong enough to withstand the blast. There's room enough for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me. When this is over, it'll be up to us to repopulate and re-civilize the planet.

[Everyone looks shocked for about 5 seconds, before Sinclair begins laughing hysterically]

Donald Sinclair: I couldn't resist! I'm sorry.

Nick Schaffer: I think we just killed him!

Tracy Faucet: You can't kill him, he's like a cockroach!

[to the woman on the motorcycle driving next to him]

Randy Pear: Hi, I really like your dike... Bike.

Gloria Allred: [after seeing Enrico getting hit by Zack's van] Stay right there! I saw the whole thing. I'll be right down.

Zack Mallozzi: Oh shit! Gloria Allred.

Mechanic: Darlin, we don't have any sand.

Tracy Faucet: Hello! WE'RE IN THE DESERT!

High Roller: [Watching Enrico Pollini sleeping in the main lobby] What is he doing?

Donald Sinclair: Well, I think he's sleeping.

High Roller: Sleeping?

Donald Sinclair: Well, he must be narcoleptic. It's a rare sleeping disorder.

High Roller: But I bet on him!

Enrico Pollini: [Gets trown out of the train] Ah! Yes!

Harold Grisham: Sir, it's Pollini, he's first at the station.

Enrico Pollini: Am i winning?

[Harold Grisham nods towarths the Locker]

Donald Sinclair: [the high-rollers are cheering] I knew it!

Harold Grisham: Sir, he is opening the locker right now.

Donald Sinclair: [Long pause] Harold, what's going on?

Harold Grisham: He's sleeping... Sir.

Rental Car Trainee: We have a midsized Caprice.

Vera Baker: What color is it?

Merrill: It doesn't matter! We'll take it.

Jason Pear: I can't believe it, Dad. You stole Adolf Hitler's Mercedes-Benz.

Randy Pear: Well, Hitler had it comin'. What goes around comes around.

Kimberly Pear: Dad, they're gonna be pissed.

Randy Pear: Eh, they're always pissed, Honey. They're Nazis. It's like it's their job.

[car crashes]

Nick Schaffer: I think we just killed him.

Tracy Faucet: You can't kill him, he's like a cockroach! Uh... uh oh...

Nick Schaffer: No, no, no! No uh-oh! Fix the uh-oh! Ah! Should we be this low?

[helicopter crashes]

Tracy Faucet: We just violated about 115 federal laws.

Nick Schaffer: WE?

Tracy Faucet: I'm getting out of here. Are you coming?

Nick Schaffer: No, no. I know things look bad but...

[Tracy kisses Nick]

Tracy Faucet: Nice meeting you!

[Walks over to truck]

Tracy Faucet: Get out of the truck, Shawn!

Shawn Kent: That's it, Tracy, you and I are through!

[Tracy punches Shawn]

Nick Schaffer: Tracy! Wait! Tracy!

[runs to truck and gets in]

Nick Schaffer: This is the first illegal thing I've done in my adult life.

Tracy Faucet: How does it feel?

Nick Schaffer: I'm shaking. But that could be from the helicopter crash.

Shawn Kent: Get out of my truck, Tracy!

Tracy Faucet: It's my truck, Shawn, I paid for it!

Shawn Kent: [looking at Nick] Who is this?

Nick Schaffer: Oh, I'm nobody.

Shawn Kent: Yeah, you are nobody.

Nick Schaffer: Yeah... nobody.

Shawn Kent: You stay away from her, nobody, unless you're tired of living!

Tracy Faucet: [to Shawn] I'll ram this helicopter down your throat!

Nick Schaffer: No! Woah! What are you doing?

Tracy Faucet: Don't worry about me, my father's a Navy pilot! I've been flying since I was 15!

Nick Schaffer: No, I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about me!

Mechanic: [after making some repairs on Tracey's truck] There, it's done, but I still do't think she's gonna hold.

Nick Schaffer: About how much we owe you?

Mechanic: [shrugs] 500 bucks.

Tracy Faucet: For what? For 2 quarts and sealant? No, that's 20 bucks, tops. Here's 40 dollars, that's double what it's worth.

[hands the mechanic 40 dollars and turns to leave]

Mechanic: [pulls a gun from, his belt] Hold it! Another little tool no mechanic should be without!

Nick Schaffer: Fine, here's your money...

[gives him the money]

Nick Schaffer: . But let me tell you something, Billy Ray. What goes around comes around.

Tracy Faucet: This is so un-... Christian!

Mechanic: Un-Christian? HA! Well, if the good Lord doesn't like the way I conduct business, let him say something! Let him gimme a sign.

[looks up and puts a hand to his ear]

Mechanic: Oh Lord, I'm here, and I'm listening! Helloooooo!

[Veera and her daughter drive past in the rocket car, and the mechanic's gas station collapses]

Gus the Cabbie: [listening to football on cab's radio] Confederate... confederate... THROW THE BALL! That's why you're not going to get drafted! You'll be lucky to play arena football in Barcelona!

Gus the Cabbie: [to Owen] You like football?

Owen Templeton: [nervously] Sure.

Gus the Cabbie: Did you happen to catch that, uh, Dallas game last week? You can't really call it a game, it was more of an obscenity, a crime against football. I lost twenty grand on that game! And they would have won! Now I gotta work TWO shifts because of that idiot! I mean, Stevie Wonder coulda done a better job callin' that game.

[first lines]

Nick Schaffer: Hi. I'm checking out 14322.

[last lines]

Smash Mouth (Guitar: Let's hit the phones out there and crank it up, cause we are going to feed the whole world.

Harold Grisham: Vicki, you let go of this bag! Or I swear - I swear to God - I'll report you to the escort service!

Donald Sinclair: Uh, Mr. Grisham, what's going on?

Harold Grisham: The hooker! The hooker! The hooker is taking the money!

Donald Sinclair: What hooker?

Harold Grisham: Vicki! From the hotel!

High Roller: Pepto Bismol?

Harold Grisham: Vicki, I told you to wait in the car!

Donald Sinclair: What the hell is she doing there?

Harold Grisham: I brought her! I'm sorry, Mr. Sinclair. She said she liked me, but I'm beginning to think she was only interested in the money!

Lloyd: [inside a hardware store] You just want one copy? 'Cause you get an extra one for half price.

Duane Cody: Just one.

Blaine Cody: And hurry.

Duane Cody: [quietly to Blaine] This is the best idea you ever had: we split up, we take two keys, we double our chances of winning.

Blaine Cody: It can't fail.

Duane Cody: You remember where we're going?

Blaine Cody: [mumbles] Silver City, New Mexico.

Duane Cody: Right, train station, locker zero-zero-one.

[Lloyd quietly eavesdrops on the conversation while making the duplicate key]

Duane Cody: [mumbles] 'Ero ero one.

Duane Cody: Rule number one: discretion. Don't talk to anybody.

Blaine Cody: [mumbles] I won't, I promise.

Duane Cody: [Lloyd glances over his shoulder with a surprised look] I'm serious, we're talking about $2 million dollars, in cash. People would just kill us to get their hands on that key.

Blaine Cody: I love you.

[Duane and Blaine hug]

Skinhead Tour Guide: [talking about Klaus Barbie] Barbie joined the SS in 1935, where he soon became one of the Führer's favorite young officers.

Jason Pear: Uh, can we go?

Bev Pear: Shh-shh.

Skinhead Tour Guide: ...given a very big responsibility.

Skinhead Tour Guide: Here we see him standing beside Hitler's touring car, the very same car which can be seen on display outside in our courtyard.

[the Pears start to walk towards the exit]

Skinhead Tour Guide: You're leaving?

Randy Pear: What?

[laughs]

Randy Pear: [nervously] No - Yes, well, we have a 4:30 book burning... and then we have a...

Bev Pear: Another christening.

Randy Pear: Yes, a christening... for another one of our many, white, Christian, non-Jewish, uh... friends...

Bev Pear: Family.

Randy Pear: Family, relatives...

Bev Pear: Blood relatives.

Randy Pear: The Himmler... Himmler-Hesse... von... Sturichenbergs.