Quiz Show Quotes

Mark Van Doren: What these books have conclusively proven is that the diffence between men and women is exactly 38 pages.

Man 1: Can I quote you, Mark?

Mark Van Doren: Not before I quote me.

Dorothy Van Doren: His own quotes are his greatest pleasure.

Man 2: Did you hear the market dropped 30 points today. There's a rumor Eisenhower died.

Dorothy Van Doren: How could they tell?

Mark Van Doren: Oh, please. Don't get Dorothy started on politics. There'll be a raid.

Dan Enright: How much do they pay instructors up at Columbia?

Charles Van Doren: Eighty-six dollars a week.

Dan Enright: Do you have any idea how much Bozo the Clown makes?

Charles Van Doren: Well... we, we can't all be Bozo the Clown.

Herbie Stemple: Don't do this to me, it's humiliating.

Enright: For seventy grand, Herb, you can afford to be humiliated.

[At a poker game]

Dick Goodwin: I know you're lying.

Charles Van Doren: Bluffing. The word is bluffing.

Mark Van Doren: Why don't you just put it in the bank Charlie? That's what I've always done with my prize money.

Charles Van Doren: It's just, you don't understand dad, it's, there are all sorts of tax implications

Mark Van Doren: You Think I can't understand the concept of taxes.

Charles Van Doren: At this level it's a bit more complicated.

Mark Van Doren: And at my level? I never thought of myself as having a level. What level might that be?

Dick Goodwin: 21 is rigged and I can prove it... I have Enright cold and that means I have you.

Kitner: Really?

Dick Goodwin: Really.

Kitner: Then how come you're the one who's sweating?

Toby Stempel: I know what you're gonna accomplish, I just don't know what he's gonna accomplish.

Herbie Stemple: You want to know what? If I do nothing else I will convince them that Herbert Stemple knows what won the God-damned Academy Award for best God-damned picture of 1955; that's what I'm gonna accomplish.

Toby Stempel: My mother wants to know why you only went for eight on the movies.

Herbie Stemple: Because my real expertise is pain-in-the-ass in-laws, all right?

[to a reporter outside the committee hearing]

Herbie Stemple: You know what the problem with you bums is? You never leave a guy alone unless you're leaving him alone.

Jack Barry: [prepping for the show] My light okay? My nose doesn't look big?

Stage worker: You look great Jack.

Jack Barry: Last week I looked like a sun dial.

Account Guy: Stempel is an underdog. You know, people root for that. It's a New York thing.

Martin Rittenhome: Queens is not New York!

Student At Book Party: Professor Van Doren, I took your course at Columbia - "Hawthorne, Original Sin, and the American Experience". Well, as silly as it sounds, it changed my life.

Mark Van Doren: Was it the Hawthorne or the sin?

Dick Goodwin: Excuse me. Do you think he might see me before the peacock molts?

Kintner's Secretary: Who are you with again?

Dick Goodwin: I'm with the United States Congress. Perhaps you've heard of them.

Dick Goodwin: You're to receive the questions in advance, and I'm to thank you for the courtesy of attending this hearing.

Martin Rittenhome: Mercy. What a grueling line of inquiry.

Dick Goodwin: Must have a familiar ring - the questions in advance.

Albert Freedman: If you were a kid, would you wanna be an annoying Jewish guy with a side wall haircut?

Charles Van Doren: Well I wanted to be Joe Dimaggio.

Albert Freedman: Oh yeah, me too. Especially after he signed for that hundred grand.

Jack Barry: Eleven points will bring you to 21 and you will be our new champion! Because of a disagreement with his commanding general, Ulysses S. Grant was virtually placed under arrest for a brief time early in 1862. Who was the commanding general of the Union army at that time? Tough question.

Charles Van Doren: Just so oddly familiar.

Announcer: Geritol. America's #1 tonic. Geritol, the fast-acting, high-potentcy tonic, that helps you feel... stronger... fast... presents the exciting quiz program..."Twenty-One." Brought to you by NBC, The National Broadcasting Company, broadcasting nationally coast to coast, from New York to Los Angeles, from Seattle to St. Petersburg... via a vast network of affiliates crisscrossing the country. Coming up next, "Twenty-One," starring master of ceremonies Jack Barry!

[music cues build dramatically]

Announcer: Two players racing to score 21 points... each in a soundproof television studio, not knowing the other one's score... with $500 riding on each point... as they both play..."Twenty-One!"

[lively theme music plays]

Announcer: And here's your host... Jack Barry!

[the audience applauds as Jack runs on to the stage and stands behind his podium]

Jack Barry: [looking at us] Good evening. I'm Jack Barry. Due to a series of ties, Herbert Stempel, our 29-year-old ex-G.I. college student, must play at $3,000 a point, which means that in a few brief minutes, he can either win as much as $100,000 - the most money won on television to date - or lose everything he's won in the last eight weeks.

[as Jack continues to speak, Herbert and his opponent wait to be introduced]

Stempel's opponent: You nervous?

Herbie Stemple: [chuckles as he clean's his glasses] It's only money.

Jack Barry: Isolated in their soundproof studios, neither player is aware of the other's score. I've been assured by our friends at the encyclopedia... that they've concocted some real brain-breakers this week, so we'll find out in the next 30 minutes... if the unstumpable Herbert Stempel can be stumped. Could I have the questions, please?

[a drumroll plays as the questions are handed to Jack by a stagehand]

Jack Barry: Thank you, gentlemen. Remember the questions on "Twenty-One" are secured each week in a Manhattan bank vault 'til just before show time. So right now, let's meet Herbert Stempel and his challenger as Geritol, America's #1 tonic, presents "Twenty-One."

[a fanfare plays and the audience applauds as Herbert and his opponent make their entrances]

Dick Goodwin: You know, money isn't everything.

Sandra Goodwin: I'm not the one who came home with a Chrysler catalogue.

Herbie Stemple: [offering rugelach] Come on, they're a Jewish delicacy. Before Toby eats it.

Toby Stempel: I'm retaining water, for your information.

Herbie Stemple: You and the Grand Coulee Dam.

Dick Goodwin: Hey, you don't have to be a genius to connect the dots.

Charles Van Doren: Well, don't connect them through me.

Dick Goodwin: Hey, don't treat me like some member of your goddamn fan club. Are you telling me everybody got the answers but you?

Charles Van Doren: You're so persistent, Dick. You know, I really envy that.

Dick Goodwin: Was it just the money, Charlie?

Charles Van Doren: You'll forgive me, but anyone who thinks money is ever "just money" couldn't have much of it.

Dick Goodwin: Charlie, you wanna insult me, fine, but you can't envy me at the same time.

Dick Goodwin: [of Charles Van Doren] There's absolutely no need to drag the man into the spotlight.

Sandra Goodwin: You dragged Herb Stempel into the spotlight.

Dick Goodwin: Stempel? The man has to be dragged from the spotlight with his teeth marks still on it!

[while Dan Enright is testifying]

Dick Goodwin: I thought we were gonna get television. The truth is... television is gonna get us.

[coming upon a large gift box; it contains a TV]

Mark Van Doren: Well, what do we have here?

Party guest: Aftershave.

Mark Van Doren: Aww.

Martin Rittenhome: Television is gonna go on. The quiz shows are gonna go on. Makes me wonder what you hope to accomplish with all this.

Dick Goodwin: Don't worry, I'm just getting started.

Martin Rittenhome: You're a bright young kid with a bright future. Watch yourself out there.

Dick Goodwin: [Dick Goodwin questions Dan Enright about evidence of Twenty One being fixed] Dan, I have it on the kinescope, it's clear as day. The man literally did a double-take.

Enright: [laughing] He did a double-take? And who told you this? Is this Herb again? Or is this the Greenwich Village Beatnik?

Dick Goodwin: That's interesting, why is he a beatnik? Because he's not Charlie Van Doren?

Enright: Yeah, you're damn right he's not Charlie Van Doren. You know, you got these crackpots coming out of the woodwork, you're snooping around asking questions. You don't have a shred of concrete evidence.

Dick Goodwin: Dan, let me tell you something. In this envelope are all the questions that James Snodgrass was asked on Twenty One. The odd thing about this envelope is that he appeared on the show January 13th, if you recall. Yet, he somehow mailed this to himself on January 11th via registered mail. I'd say that's pretty goddamn concrete, wouldn't you?

Charles Van Doren: Last week alone, I had 11 proposals of marriage!

Mark Van Doren: Perhaps you should accept one of them.

Dorothy Van Doren: [to Mark] And to think, they unleash you on those impressionable young minds.

Mark Van Doren: Well, why not? He's 33 years old, Jesus Christ had a girlfriend at 33 years old.

Dorothy Van Doren: Look how that turned out.

Thomas Merton, The Monk: And, he shared an office with His Father!

Mark Van Doren: [reciting poetry at his birthday party] Now see summer bloom upon this lee, three score rings around this tree, once green, now bare, once lush, now sere, consoled only that I am planted here...

John Van Doren: You certainly are!

Mark Van Doren: Roots thick...

Thomas Merton, The Monk: And bold...

Mark Van Doren: And deep...

John Van Doren: And doddering...

Mark Van Doren: Assuage my woes...

Bunny Wilson: And termites nibbling at my toes!

Mark Van Doren: Et tu, Bunny!

Cornwall Cousins: Charles, is Jack Barry single?

Charles Van Doren: I think so.

Cornwall Cousins: My roommate has a huge crush on him, she wants you to introduce her.

Cornwall Cousins: What's Dave Garroway like?

Charles Van Doren: Cheap.

Cornwall Aunt: 'Cheat'?

Mark Van Doren: Wasn't I talking?

Bunny Wilson: You were, just talking, and talking, and talking...

Cornwall Cousins: Charlie's famous, like Elvis Presley!

Mark Van Doren: And like Leopold of Belgium, usurped by his son before his time!

Charles Van Doren: Oh, that makes me King Baudouin!

Mark Van Doren: Next birthday, you all get a dirty limerick.

Thomas Merton, The Monk: I certainly hope so!

Charles Van Doren: Dad, I can't simply just tell them the truth.

Mark Van Doren: Can't tell them the truth? Why on earth not?

Charles Van Doren: Because it's complicated.

Mark Van Doren: Complicated?

Mark Van Doren: Charlie, from what I understand, it's just a bunch of frauds showing off an erudition they really didn't have. All you have to do is...

Charles Van Doren: The problem is, Dad, is that it seems I was one of those frauds.

Charles Van Doren: They gave me the answers.

Mark Van Doren: They gave you the answers... they gave YOU the answers?

Charles Van Doren: Well, no... no, at first they'd ask me questions they already knew I knew the answers to. We ran through those, and I really didn't want them to give me the answers, so they gave me the questions and I'd look up the answers on my own, as if that were any different. Well, we ran through those in a couple of weeks and I just didn't have the time, finally, and it just seemed silly, so...

Mark Van Doren: They gave you all that money to answer questions they knew you knew... now, that's inflation!

Charles Van Doren: You're not being very helpful!

Mark Van Doren: I'm sorry, Charlie. I'm an old man, it's all a little difficult for me to comprehend!

Charles Van Doren: It's television, Dad. It's... it's just... just television...

Mark Van Doren: You make it sound like you didn't have a choice!

Charles Van Doren: What was I supposed to do at that point, disillusion the whole goddamn country?

Mark Van Doren: Charlie, you took the money!

Charles Van Doren: Yes, yes, I took the money!

Mark Van Doren: Is that what this was about?

Charles Van Doren: No... no, um, I don't know...

Mark Van Doren: It was a goddamn quiz show, Charlie.

Charles Van Doren: An ill-favored thing, sir...

Mark Van Doren: This is not the time to play games!

Charles Van Doren: At mine own, it was mine!

Mark Van Doren: Your name is mine!

Jack Barry: Herb Stemple, you lead at this point by 18 to 11. The category is movies, how many points do you wish to try for?

Herbie Stemple: I'll try 3, three points.

Jack Barry: Which would give you 21 points if you guess right and you will be the winner again.

Jack Barry: [reads question] Which motion picture won the Academy Award for 1955?

Herbie Stemple: [feigning nervousness and thinking] 1955... Academy Award... Best Picture. Hmmm, you know... I don't remember.

Dan Enright: Well, it's the damndest thing, but you've plateaued.

Herbie Stemple: Plateaued? What - wh-what kind of word is that?

Dan Enright: What, plateaued?

Herbie Stemple: Plateaued.

Dan Enright: Plateaued? Uh, it's well, it's like, uh, you...

Herbie Stemple: You mean, people don't like me anymore?

Dan Enright: No, no, no. It's not you, per se. It's just...

Herbie Stemple: Maybe I should get my teeth capped

Dan Enright: No, it's the nature of the show. They've already seen you win, and they want something new.

Herbie Stemple: So, what are you saying? Th - You think they want me to lose?

Dan Enright: Well, don't you think that's natural?

Herbie Stemple: Joe Louis was the champ for 12 years. Nobody ever wanted Joe Louis to lose.

Dan Enright: Charlie, Charlie, the only people who can implicate you directly are all in this room, just think about that, okay?

Albert Freedman: You think that noodge is going to get me to talk?

Charles Van Doren: He may be a noodge but he first in his class at Harvard Law School.

Albert Freedman: [Making a masturbation gesture with this hand] Oh, Harvard.

Dick Goodwin: Sandra, you have no idea what these people are like. It's all Thurber and Trilling and 'Bunny' Wilson.

Sandra Goodwin: 'Bunny'?

Dick Goodwin: Yeah, Edmund Wilson, that's what they call him.

Sandra Goodwin: Well that doesn't mean you have to.

Charles Van Doren: I'm just trying to imagine what Kant would make of this.

Albert Freedman: I don't think he'd have a problem with it.

Dan Enright: He blames Charles Van Doren for his downfall. And of course, the real downfall of Herbert Stempel has always been Herbert Stempel.

Albert Freedman: Herbert Stempel, absolutely. Well, you met him. Does he seem stable to you?

Dick Goodwin: Well, I definitely have an inkling of what you're talking about. He told me this whole story about how when a Jew is on the show, he always loses to a gentile, and then the gentile wins more money. Right? I mean, who could dream up a scheme like that?

Dan Enright: A symptom of his Van Doren fixation!

Dick Goodwin: The thing of it is... I looked it up. It's true.

[while watching a TV commercial concerning the upcoming episode of "Twenty One."]

Herbie Stemple: No, Herbert Stempel is not going to win $100,000! Herbert Stempel is going to take a dive!

[while leaving Dan Enright's office]

Herbie Stemple: I'll just tell everyone it's a fraud! That'll warm them up! The fix is in, this week on Twenty One!

[while seeing Herb Stempel on "Twenty One."]

Blonde: Well, there's a face for radio.

[In his office, Dan Enright has just told Herb Stempel that he submitted a list of 45 names for a panel show on NBC. The network had rejected three of those 45 names and Herb was one of those three names that they had rejected]

Herbie Stemple: That big, uncircumcised putz is on the cover of Time Magazine and I can't even make the top 42 for a panel show.