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Lilah Krytsick: Oh okay, so I'm not funny, SHOOT ME!
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Steven: What do you need it for?
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John: $500! What the hell did you buy for 500 dollars?
Lilah: Jokes.
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Steven: We are all Gods animated cartoons.
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Steven Gold: I've been coming down here for 18 months. 18 months! And I have not missed a night. I take the money that my father sends me and I pay for a shrink, and I buy groceries. Now I owe my shrink, and I'm behind in my rent. My roommate's a bastard - he's changed the locks in in my front door - I can't get in! He won't give me a key until I pay him. You wanna play games? I can play games! I can play games. I can play ventriloquist with my underwear. I can play darts while maintaining an erection. I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time! I can play piano without being popular. I once had this dream - I was dancing on the streetcorner with a jackhammer up my ass - now that was either a sex dream or I need more fiber in my diet. If any of this is turning you on, just let me know.
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Madeline Urie: Is - is this a joke?
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Steven Gold: If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast - 'cuz funny Steve's going under.
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Steven: Don't be scared, 'cuz I'm Funny Steve... with a lampshade on his head. Singing and dancing, for your entertainment, his own rendition of "Singin' in the Rain"!
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Stand-Up Comic: [doing an impression of Ghandi's mother] Please, sweetheart... just a sandwich?
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Albert Emperato: You don't want carpet! You want an area rug!
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Lilah Krytsick: Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name.
[audience bursts into laughter]
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Lilah Krytsick: I forgot my purse.
Punchline Quotes
Extended Reading
