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[from trailer]
Randa: Then he said, "Now I'm going to touch you on your boobs".
Mr. Anderson: I would never say "boobs", I'm an English teacher! Breasts... I would say breasts.
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[from trailer]
Kimberly Joyce: It's like the world is this orchestra and I'm the conductor.
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Kimberly Joyce: I have respect for all races, but I'm very glad that I was born white. As a woman, it's the best race to be. Especially if you want to become an actress, like I do.
[pause]
Kimberly Joyce: If I wasn't white, then the next thing I would wanna be is Asian because a lot of men like Asian girls because they think they're docile and subservient and sweet which I don't really think is true because I once met this Asian girl at summer camp one time and she was a real bitch.
[pause]
Kimberly Joyce: If I couldn't be white and I also couldn't be Asian, then my third choice would be African-American because I've always wanted to be a gospel singer and also, black men are more forgiving if your butt gets big. Except I'd definitely want light skin and Caucasian features like... Vanessa Williams or Halle Berry. And finally, you know, no offense or anything Randa, but my very last choice would be Arab. I mean, truth be told you're not in a very enviable position. There's a lot of resentment in this country toward the Middle East and there's a lot of stereotypes floating around which I don't think are true because in the short amount of time I've known you, you haven't tried to bomb anybody and you currently smell okay to me.
-
Kimberly Joyce: Okay, it is time to open up my Big Bag of Fun. These are assorted items that I've stolen from Dad for our consumption this evening. Item number one, Dad's wine-flavored cigars.
Brittany Wells: Ech, don't those things make you cough?
Kimberly Joyce: No, they're cigars, you don't have to swallow - I mean, inhale.
[offers one to Randa]
Randa: No thanks.
Kimberly Joyce: Are you sure, Randa? To become succesful actresses, you have to learn how to smoke them. It's trendy.
Brittany Wells: That's true.
Randa: No thank you, I do not smoke.
Kimberly Joyce: Okay... Uh, item number two, one of my dad's many *many* pornos - Titty Lickers 2: The Search for Golden Curlies.
Brittany Wells: Ew! Why would we wanna watch a porno?
Kimberly Joyce: 'Cause they're funny. Besides, we have to teach Randa about sex and this is the best way to learn. And item number three - and I could get into real real trouble if I got caught with these - Dad's Twinkies.
Brittany Wells: Eh - too fattening.
Kimberly Joyce: Would you *please* stop criticizing everything in my Big Bag of Fun? I spent a lot of time putting this together!
-
Kimberly Joyce: Put it back on, I wanna watch the Real World.
Brittany Wells: I hate the Real World. those girls are bitches.
Kimberly Joyce: You're a bitch!
Brittany Wells: Yeah, well you're a trollop.
Kimberly Joyce: Fine!
[pause]
Kimberly Joyce: I'm sorry I called you a bitch.
Brittany Wells: It's okay. I'm sorry I called you a trollop. I don't really even know what one is.
Kimberly Joyce: It's a promiscuous woman, often a prostitute.
Brittany Wells: [thoughtfully] Hm...
-
Brittany Wells: I like this music. Can you buy the soundtrack to pornos?
Kimberly Joyce: Tiffany Minx, Stephanie Swift... You know, Brittany, a lot of these porn stars have names that sound like ours. So if we wanted to, when we grow up, we could be porn stars. You couldn't, Randa. I'm sorry.
Randa: That is quite all right.
-
Randa: [watching a porno] Why is that woman - why is she doing those things with another woman? Why must they show this?
Kimberly Joyce: Because men like to watch it.
Randa: But it is a sin!
Kimberly Joyce: [laughs] Randa! Randa, you're gonna find out that a lot of things men like are a sin.
-
Kimberly Joyce: [Showing Randa all the different wealthy kids at Roxberry] "That's Josh Horowitz. His Dad is Larry Horowitz, the famous lawyer. He represented that baseball player that murdered his wife, got him off too even though he was running around covered in blood with a baseball bat screaming 'I killed the bitch, I killed the bitch!'"
-
Brittany Wells: [after both being cast in the play, "The Diary of Anne Frank"] Down with Nazis!
Kimberly Joyce: Yeah, boo nazis!
-
Kimberly Joyce: [speaking about kid who shot classmates at school] In some ways, I know how he feels. I mean, there're just so many stupid, annoying, worthless people on this planet that just, like, get in the way of what you want
-
Kimberly Joyce: Daddy, I would never to do anything to hurt you or your reputation.
Mr. Joyce: [after popping several pils] Yay, Kimberly! Good! Good!
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Headmaster: We will not tolerate racial slurs at Roxberry. You can use them at any other time - at home, at the mall, at rock and roll concerts.
-
Kimberly Joyce: And Josh, at least my dad isn't a money-grubbing Jew shyster who lets criminals go free!
[turns around and everyone is staring at her in disbelief]
Kimberly Joyce: oops! haha... Rewind!
-
Mr. Joyce: I don't wanna ever catch you being a racist. This is not to say, you know, you have license to bring R. Kelly home for dinner.
-
Mr. Anderson: Kimberly Joyce, you have the face of an angel. Throw in a ripe, little pubescent body - the devil wears a gray skirt, my friend.
-
Gail: [in a schoolgirl outfit] It reminds me of the skirts that the girls wear at your school.
Mr. Anderson: Really? Huh...
Gail: [taking off the jacket] I'm a little schoolgirl. I don't want Mr. Anderson to spank me!
-
Kimberly Joyce: Randa, what's the greatest thing about this country?
Randa: Sylvester Stallone?
Kimberly Joyce: No. It's that anybody can sue anybody at anytime over anything.
Randa: You wanna sue Mr. Anderson?
Kimberly Joyce: I suppose that it might jump-start me and Brittany's acting careers.
-
Kimberly Joyce: My mother always taught me not to talk too much, and when I did, she used to spank me. She'd spank me so hard.
-
Kimberly Joyce: Look, I'm really trying okay, but I don't know how to be sexy! I mean, I'm only fifteen!
-
Randa: [while watching pornography in which a woman is moaning loudly] How... how is it, please, that two men... at one time... how can this be?
Kimberly Joyce: One of them is doing her up the butt.
Randa: Up the... such a thing is not possible... it is too small, the aperture.
-
Kimberly Joyce: Brittany and I are the best of friends; we confide in each other. Like the other day, Brittany confided that she feels dirty when she masturbates, but I told her that it was normal and healthy, even when you do it as much as she does.
-
Kimberly Joyce: [to Emily Klein, a lesbian reporter] I could never give up men, I like cock too much, but sometimes, I just need a woman's touch.
-
Kimberly Joyce: Kathy?
Kathy: Yes?
Kimberly Joyce: Kathy!
Kathy: Yes?
Kimberly Joyce: Do you fuck dogs? When you were fucking my dog, he was going like this -
[imitates a dog having an orgasm]
-
Kimberly Joyce: So, Brittany, this is Randa. Randa's from the middle east, but she's really sweet. She doesn't say much, though.
Brittany Wells: Hi! I know all about the immigrant experience, how hard it can be - I'm Canadian.
-
Brittany Wells: [mistaking the word 'pederast'] Mr. Anderson's kind of weird. Especially around girls. We think he's a podiatrist.
-
Brittany Wells: Mr. Anderson's kind of weird, especially around girls; we think he's a podiatrist.
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Kimberly Joyce: Dad got me a digital video camera so that he can tape my violin recitals and then watch them later instead of actually attending them like a good parent would.
-
Mr. Joyce: When people hear the name Walt Disney they think family friendly, even though Disney gives benefits to faggots.
Mr. Joyce: And when they hear the name Henry Joyce do you know what they think of?
Mr. Joyce: Quality electronics at the lowest prices.
Mr. Joyce: And I want it to stay that way Kimberly, I don't want them thinking... slutty daughter who takes it in the ass.
-
Phone Sex Operator: Now, I'm running my fingers along your chest and my red nails are ripping through your chest like fire through a forest.
Mr. Joyce: That's fucking hot. What am I doing with you? I've got my thumb so far up your ass, I'm bowling with your ass.
-
Roger Nicholl: You wanna know why she's going to ruin you? 'Cause she knows that you can't do anything about it, that's why. I mean, forget math, English, science. For them, high school is all about cockteasing 101, and I've got news for you - those two are on the honor roll.
-
[Emily finds Kimberly after the truth comes out]
Emily Klein: You lying backstabbing two-faced little cunt!
Kimberly Joyce: Hi, Emily.
-
Brittany Wells: Would you ever let a guy do that to you, Kimberly?
Kimberly Joyce: I have.
Brittany Wells: Oh, my God, who?
Kimberly Joyce: Warren.
Brittany Wells: Warren Prescott?
Kimberly Joyce: Yeah, a little while ago, when we were dating he said:
[flashback]
Warren Prescott: Kimberly, we've been going out for a long time, and I really love you, and I think it'd be cool if you'd let me pack your fudge chute.
Kimberly Joyce: At first I thought he was talking about making sundaes, but then he explained it to me and I was kind of into it.
Brittany Wells: Did it hurt?
Kimberly Joyce: Yeah, a little bit. But it didn't hurt as much with Warren as it would have with other boys, if you catch my drift.
Randa Azzouni: What is your drift?
Kimberly Joyce: Never mind. But a few days later, he broke up with me. He said he didn't want to date a girl who would let a guy do that to her. I mean, does that make any sense?
-
Brittany Wells: Kimberly, Randa died because of this!
Kimberly Joyce: Every war has its casualties, just ask my brother.
-
Kimberly Joyce: [auditioning to play a teenage French girl on a television series] Oh La La, I Dropped My Baguette
-
Kathy: Kimberly! Kimberly, would you PLEASE take your dog for a walk?
Kimberly Joyce: Oh, are you done fucking him?
Mr. Joyce: Oh, enough of that already, geez!
Kimberly Joyce: What? I saw her. her red nails were running through his chest hair like fire through a forest...
Kathy: That's actually kinda poetic...
-
Kimberly Joyce: How does an Arab get his wife pregnant?
Randa Azzouni: I do not know.
Kimberly Joyce: She gets naked and lies down on the bed, he jerks off on the wall, and they let the flies do the rest.
[Randa chuckles]
Kimberly Joyce: No. Don't laugh. It's insulting to your people.
-
Kimberly Joyce: Stay away from Kenny the arms dealer. It's kids like him that give this great nation of ours a bad name.
-
Brittany Wells: God Kimberly, he's a poet!
Brittany Wells: Everything that comes out of his mouth is like an iambic pentagram.
-
Emily Klein: Believe me Mr. Mayer.
Headmaster Charles Meyer: Meyer, think of the weiner.
-
Kimberly Joyce: Symbiotic, that's what our relationship is going to be like Randa.
Kimberly Joyce: Just like we learned in biology, the whale and the little fish that sticks on it.
Kimberly Joyce: See, if you hang with me you'll get a lot of attention from boys that you otherwise wouldn't.
Kimberly Joyce: And meanwhile when I'm standing next to your I'll look more attractive by comparison, isn't that great?
Randa: Very nice.
Pretty Persuasion Quotes
Extended Reading
