Paul Blart: Mall Cop Quotes

  • [from trailer]

    Paul Blart: [talking to himself] What are you trained to do? Nothing...

  • [from trailer]

    Paul Blart: Nobody knows this mall better than I do.

  • [from trailer]

    Paul Blart: Safety never takes a holiday.

  • Paul Blart: [after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk] Yeah... I don't drink.

  • Veck Sims: When are you gonna give up, Blart?

    Paul Blart: How about now? I'll meet you on the corner of "NE" and "VER"!

  • Veck Sims: It's like my mother always said, if you want something done right, waste them yourself. I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

  • Paul Blart: This lemonade is insane!

    Vijay: That's because it's a Margarita, Paul.

  • Pahud: Peanut Blart and jelly! What, what, what's up, man?

  • Paul Blart: [Headbutts criminal] No one wins with a headbutt.

  • Paul Blart: Scuba-dooby-doo!

    [sends a scuba tank into a villain knocking him out]

  • Maya Blart: [reading a dating website] Okay, next question. "Tell me about yourself."

    Paul Blart: Let's see. I know a lot about sharks.

    Mom: Let me stop you right there.

  • [sees Leon hanging by a rope, being pulled up into the air ducts]

    Veck Sims: I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.

  • [First Line]

    Drill Instructor: Alright you have all completed the written exam, however, you must now pass the obsticle coarse to be admitted into the training program. And remember: Survive this and you are on front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.

  • [Last Line]

    Paul Blart: Thank you sir, but I think I'm going to stick with what I do best. That's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.

  • Sergeant Howard: Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass.

    Commander Kent: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass.

  • Commander Kent: [talking on radio to Paul] Remember me? I set you on fire at the pancake festival.

  • Sergeant Howard: [Chief Brooks has just given Sgt Howard a book of insult comebacks] You and what army?

    Chief Brooks: What's wrong with that?

    Sergeant Howard: He

    [Commander Kent]

    Sergeant Howard: *has* an army.

  • Paul Blart: If you remember one thing from today, it's this: the mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster.