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[first lines]
Daniel Lugo: [groaning and grunting out his situps] I'm hot! I'm big!
Daniel Lugo: [sees a squad of police cars] Fuck!
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[from trailer]
Daniel Lugo: My name is Daniel Lugo, and I believe in fitness. All this began because it was time to push myself harder, otherwise I was looking at another forty years wearing sweatpants to work...
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[from trailer]
Victor Kershaw: I'm a self-made man. I've made a lot of money!
Daniel Lugo: Why don't you spend some of it on salads?
Victor Kershaw: You know who invented salads? Poor people!
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[from trailer]
Paul Doyle: You can't just kidnap a guy and take his things! That is so illegal!
Daniel Lugo: Victor Kershaw is a criminal prick, who deserves bad stuff to happen to him!
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[from trailer]
Paul Doyle: We go through with this, nobody gets hurt right?
Daniel Lugo: No, man! We snatch him, we grab him, signs a few signature, we give him a protein shake! He dunnit even know what happened! I watched a lot of movies Paul, I know what I'm doing!
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[from trailer]
Victor Kershaw: What happens now?
Ed Du Bois: Now, I go to work!
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[from trailer]
Paul Doyle: You said no violence!
Daniel Lugo: And I meant it when I said it, I swear to God...
Paul Doyle: I can NOT kill!
Daniel Lugo: Duly noted! Look, I promise when this is over, we'll all go camping, OK?
Paul Doyle: OK...
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[from trailer]
Victor Kershaw: Give me my money back!
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[from trailer]
Paul Doyle: They got my toe! You can see the bone!
[holds up his toe in plastic bag]
Paul Doyle: [sees his pet chihuahua] Hey, little buddy, you hungry?
[gives his toe to the chihuahua]
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[from trailer]
Daniel Lugo: [to a little boy] Don't eyeball me! I've seen your mother driving up and down these streets looking at me! I'll be your stepfather in about a week!
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Ed Du Bois: The event you are about to see took place in Miami Florida between October 1994 and June 95. Unfortunately, this is a true story.
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Paul Doyle: Why'd you make me do that to you, Victor? I have responsibilities! Jesus Christ himself has blessed me with many gifts! One of them is knocking someone the fuck out!
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Daniel Lugo: Life's gonna give me another set. I know it will.
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Daniel Lugo: [referring to electric chainsaws] Fucking Chinese crap!
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Paul Doyle: Jesus Christ himself has blessed me with many gifts, one of them is knocking someone the fuck out!
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Daniel Lugo: Sometimes God just fucks up your order and you gotta chow down on that shitty shame sandwich.
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Paul Doyle: You know why habit rhymes with rabbit? Because your life goes down a rabbit hole.
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Daniel Lugo: I put up with stuff that they don't have names for in civil society.
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Daniel Lugo: In the end after reviewing our past performance, we could come to only one conclusion. We're so much better when we wing it.
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Adrian Doorbal: I'm a man who just got married and his penis don't work.
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Adrian Doorbal: Hey, is that breast milk?
Paul Doyle: What?
Adrian Doorbal: Is that breast milk?
Paul Doyle: Why would that be breast milk?
Adrian Doorbal: 'Cause this is. Listen: You take this, you put it in there, and you got the real HGH. I'm talkin' about a steroid shake. I got this pregnant chick I buy it from - she real clean, too.
Paul Doyle: No...
Adrian Doorbal: No, no, no, for real, she just got her tests and everything. Oh, my - You ever suck a pregnant woman titty? Oh, my god, this so good. Come on, try some.
[off no answer]
Adrian Doorbal: It'll make you great, man. You already big, but you could be bigGER. You know? I'm big - I'mma be swole, though. Walk sideways through doors. You want some? We can be titty brothers.
[laughs]
Adrian Doorbal: Yeah!
Paul Doyle: I'm gonna go with "No." Excuse me.
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[Doyle is in a warehouse full of sex toys]
Paul Doyle: [to Lugo over a walkie-talkie] Didn't you say your friend kept athletic supplies in his warehouse?
Daniel Lugo: Do we have to have this conversation now? Over. What's the issue?
Paul Doyle: I'm looking at a lot of homo-stuff right now, Patriot One.
[looks at a male blow-up doll]
Paul Doyle: A *lot*.
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[about some vibrators]
Adrian Doorbal: There's some complex engineering in these things.
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Daniel Lugo: I have no sympathy for people who squander their gifts. It's sickening. It's worse than sickening. It's unpatriotic.
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Motel Clerk: Why would you want to have your honeymoon here?
Paul Doyle: [Gets out baseball bat] Oh, this place has a lot of fond memories for me. The very first time I bashed a man's skull in was here, and it was a mess! But that bat was aluminum. I've switched to wood. So you should get your ass out here right now or I'll bash your brains all over that wall with one fucking swing.
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Paul Doyle: There is life after death. Of that, I am sure. But I'm also pretty sure dead people no longer need their stuff.
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Daniel Lugo: If you're willing to do the work, you can have anything. That's what makes the U.S. of A great. When it started, America was just a handful of scrawny colonies. Now, it's the most buff, pumped-up country on the planet. That's pretty rad.
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Johnny Wu: Get a Goal. Get a plan. And get up off your ass!
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Paul Doyle: Jesus may exalt, but cocaine is KING!
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Sorina Luminita: You look so sad, what's the matter?
Adrian Doorbal: I just kidnapped a man.
Sorina Luminita: You did what?
Daniel Lugo: No, no, no, he's kidding. He's getting married tomorrow and he doesn't want a bachelor party.
Sorina Luminita: Hey! You know what? My shift is almost over. So... Why don't you meet me at the toilets in 5 minutes? And you can bring my baby Daniel, too.
Adrian Doorbal: For what?
Daniel Lugo: This is your party man, you should have some fun.
Sorina Luminita: [They have a threesome in the bathroom] Bang me harder! Come on! Fuck! Fuck!
Adrian Doorbal: I think she should kidnap a man too!
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Sorina Luminita: [Sorina having sex with Daniel behind a car] Yes! Bang me fucking harder! Shit, shit, the car!
Sorina Luminita: [Sorina narrating the scene] My American dream was finally coming true.
Sorina Luminita: I came baby! This was great!
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Daniel Lugo: I don't just want everything you have... I want you not to have it!
Pain & Gain Quotes
Extended Reading
